Saturday night was a typical Saturday “Date Night” evening for me. I cuddled up on my parent’s couch with a good flick (Gnomeo and Juliet) and some brewskis and tucked myself in bed by midnight with my first non-alcoholic beverage of the day.
Just before I went to bed I hopped on the comp to see if “Find Lauren Day” was a success (it was not, 😦 sad), and when my comcast browser opened there was a story that caught my eye under the “Finance” category, the title? “Attention Singles: The True Price of Love” The subtitle? “7 SHOCKING Expenses of Romance.” So I read, and I will paraphrase for the sake of space and voice my opinions of how much bullshit this article is the whole way through it. If anyone doesn’t like my paraphrasing or comments and wants to read the article for them-Stupid-self, there you go. But honestly, my version is way better.
1. Dinner Out On the Town – Dinner at Delmonicos New York’s first fine dining restaurant. Starters, you: $10 market salad – date: $26 shelfish chateau Main Course: you: some chicken dish for $28 date: $90 double porterhouse add in wine, desert, and all that other shit and you’ll be racking up a bill of at least $300.
Ummmm… I’m sorry, but who the fuck are these people dating that they have dinner dates on the reg costing $300? I know top medical professionals who would not drop $300 on a dinner date. #2 Assuming this article is aimed toward men, because AHA! Why would a woman ever give 2 shits about how much a relationship is, we don’t have to pay for anything. But, what woman is going to order a $90 double porterhouse after you just ordered a measly $28 piece of chicken? A BITCH! That’s who, that’s when you excuse yourself and get the fuck out of there and leave her with the bill. Bitch.
2. Special Occasion Cards – Valentines Day, Birthday Cards, Cards to Say “I’m Sorry”, cards for your significant other’s family members on their birthday’s and anniversaries. Estimated cost: $20 – $35 per year.
If the guy I’m dating can’t shell out 25 bucks a year to buy me a damn card on my birthday we’ve got bigger problems than birthday cards.
3. Gifts Just Because – Basically they tell a story about how people buy each other gifts for no reason and say liberated women don’t believe in Valentine’s Day.
Every girl believes in Valentine’s Day if they have someone. Give me a fucking break. That’s like saying women hate diamonds and flowers. And again, I go back to my who the fuck are these people dating where they get gifts for no reason? Clearly Lucky and I aren’t picking the winners. No really, we already knew this, but are there really guys out there that will buy you lavish presents for no reason? Not like Donald Trump, normal guys that we actually have a chance with. Think a Banker’s salary here. It’s doubtful.
4. Wrapping Her In Furs – $200+ but they like the $10,000+ coats from FurOutlets.com
Ummmm… does anyone outside of 1920 know anyone who wears a Fur coat for real? I actually do, but we won’t go there. Ok we will, it’s Snoop-Linus’ mom. And also Lucky and Buttons, but their Furs are fake and hilarious. I thought everyone had kind of decided Fur coats were on the outs? I’m going to take a leap of faith and say when I get to the end of this article I’m going to see that it was written by a man because he clearly doesn’t know SHIT. A fur coat would go nice with my quellazaire though.
5. Flowers Say it for You – They say to avoid spending too much buy flowers for “no reason” during non-holiday times.
No comment here. Cheapskate.
6. Pricing In The Hardware – $220 gets you 1/6 of a carat diamond ring. 3 figure minimum to make the right impression.
Now we’re talking. Hey everyone, come check out my sixth of a carat!! Any guy reading this should take this as a piece of advice: Skip the $300 Delmonico dinners, birthday cards, and Fur coats and splurge for the $200 engagement ring. 3 figures, really? I would like to assume anyone who can afford to spend $300 on dinner should be able to afford to spend more than a dinner would cost on jewelry.
7. What Happens Once You Commit – $1500 extra a year in high income marriage penalties.
Don’t worry, he saved that money when he bought the $220 1/6th of a carat engagement ring.
Annnnd drumroll please…. written by a woman. I’m wrong, BUT she’s probably never been on a date or had a boyfriend. Clearly. I mean I am fully aware that being single is way cheaper than being in a relationship, but being in a relationship is not as expensive as this slorebag makes it out to be. I guess I need to cut her a break, there isn’t much going on in finance right now with interest rates sitting pretty at 0%.
But, if these are the things women are demanding out of relationships these days I need to up my anti and put a fox fur coat with matching fox on my wish list. Then again, I don’t plan on being that girl standing on the corner wearing my fur coat and cracker jack box ring, so maybe I’m good. Yeah, I’m good.