I’m pretty sure I’ve been stuck in a quarter-life-crisis for about 7 years now. And I’d like to thank my future husband, John Mayer, for coining the phrase thus giving nearly all of my problems an official name.
In college, I had the usual drama with guys, sorority bitches, letters to the editor, parents, grades, etc…and once I graduated I figured I was on the good road. However, it seems the drama I had from those days merely morphed itself into something new—I still don’t fit in like I wish I did.
Sometimes it rears its disgusting face in the form of being single or not engaged or not married. Today, it’s the fact that I’m still living in the same city I went to college in—while most everyone has moved somewhere else.
But last week, it came in a form that I have yet to label.
It was late last week when my friend Leslie told me she was pregnant. Leslie is the one who started dating that roller derby ref a little more than six months ago…remember? I didn’t think they would last. But, they moved out of state together, are getting engaged, and are now having a baby.
She texted me right when I got out of the gym: “So, I have some big news that I haven’t been able to share with anyone yet.”
I knew what it was.
The thing about Leslie is, she never thought she would be able to get pregnant, because she has some sort of condition and/or a tilted uterus that makes the whole thing very difficult. She loves children, so that plus her medical condition I think made her covet having children much more than the average person. Completely understandable.
So, of course, I was (and still am) really happy for her.
But I started feeling sorry for myself. I tried to explain to Gizzy how I was feeling, but it wasn’t coming across right. Gizzy said, “I’d rather be doing what we do than chasing around a kid.”
Yes, I do not want a kid right now. I’m not jealous that Leslie is pregnant.
I think it’s more of the fact that her life changed so much in a matter of six months. She went from dating this scary, abusive guy, to meeting this referee, dating him, moving across the country, talking about getting engaged, and now they’re having kids?
I don’t know if I’m happy or sad about it. I’m really confused.
I’m coping with the fact that I’m stuck in this city for at least another year because of my job/financial situation. And I’m honestly not sad that I’m single/have zero prospects.
But I don’t think I’m okay with thinking about my life being the same in five years. Will I still be here? In the same office? Same boring job? Same salary?
I have spent days of my life dreaming about new workplaces or where I could live, what I could write…
But, how do I get from here to there? I need some major motivation.
Even small things, like…one week I will go to the 6 am workout class. Can I even bring myself to do that? Or, one of these days I’m going to actually edit my manuscript. But when? What is it going to take for me to find some damn drive around here?
I know I can’t be alone here. Where do you guys get your daily motivation from? I’m willing to try just about anything (lipstick on the mirror, daily affirmations, etc). Or, do you find yourself stuck in the mundane day-to-day blah?
I’m willing to make a resolution, even 3-quarters into the year.