Hello dear readers. Let me set the mood for this next story… it is approximately 3:45 AM on Friday morning August 12th, my heart is racing and I will not be going back to sleep, ever. I was just ripped from my sleep by the most unsettling noise I will ever hear, so I have nothing left to do but blog.
Here I am, sleeping my little heart away and it’s 3.5 hours before I have to be up for work when I hear it. Plastic bags rustling. It instantly woke me. I laid here in my bed for a few moments as I listened for it again, and it happened. I shot up and flipped on my lamp – looked at the plastic bags…nothing. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw movement in the corner. And there it went across my floor:
A white mouse. This isn’t your ordinary mouse. This is a pet store mouse. Yep…like one for the snake. This means 1 of 2 things:
#1. Doogie left the lid off his snake cage and any moment I am going to see the snake catapult from under my bed to capture his dinner.
#2. This fucking piece of shit got loose as Doogie was feeding it to the snake and he didn’t tell us.
These weren’t the first thoughts that raced through my head… the first were, what do I do and how do I capture it – preceded by a set of blood curdling screams (to which no one answered). The following is the only indication that I can semi-handle a situation when under pressure.
I grabbed one of the plastic bags, wrapped it up tight and marched up to Doogie’s room ready to turn the heat on.
That’s right. The heat is ON mother fucker. When Doogie wasn’t in his room I didn’t know what to do, should I throw it in the snakes cage, should I take it outside and let it go? Neither of these scenarios seemed like a good idea to my brain that was momentarily made of mush.
This is your brian when you get woken up at 3:30 in the morning by a mouse:
So what do I do? The next best thing, wake up Anth. He’ll know what to do. So I walk down the hall to Anth’s room with the plastic bag extended as far away from my body as possible, knock on his door and say… “Anthony, I need you to help me.” He replied with an annoyed, “Ughh…wha-uuuut?!” and I could hear him in there mulling around (probably looking for boxers) for what seemed like 2 minutes, glad we weren’t getting robbed and I didn’t have a gun to my head.
He finally opens the door and I cry, “I don’t know what to do. There’s a mouse in this bag. It was in my room. Take it. Get it away from me. Take it away. Kill it. I don’t care. I’m gonna throw up. I’m dying.”
Anth takes the bag and the next thing I see is the mouse climbing out of the top of the bag. I start with the blood curdling screams again… “WHA WHA WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?? AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHH STOP IT!!! GET IT!!! GET IT!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m having a heart attack. Really, this is what death feels like.”
Anth stood there giggling at me as he threw the bag and the mouse into his and Doogie’s bathroom and started questioning me.
“Did you find this on your pillow?” He asked.
“This is not a time for jokes, Anth. I really think I might be hyperventilating.” I said. You see, before I moved in this happened once before. Doogie went to feed his pointless and meaningless snake some mice for dinner and one got loose. Instead of telling everyone, Doogie didn’t say anything and Anth went to go to bed and found a little friend crawling across his pillow. I don’t know if Anth went off on Doogie like I am going to, but I’m going to make him wish he was dead.
Anth went into the bathroom to capture the beast and this was when I started feeling my face for new wrinkles that had formed that very second and I realized that I had put a face mask on before I went to bed. Not your normal all over face mask, this was a spot treatment. No wonder Anth found the situation so comical. Here I was a face masked freak, wearing no bra, freaking out over a mouse.
Anth’s in the bathroom talking to himself, thinking he lost the fucker when he found it behind the toilet. This is when the light bulb in my head went off. “YES!!! PUT IT IN THE TOILET!!! IT WILL DROWN!!!!” I had already told Anth I didn’t want him feeding it to the snake because I didn’t trust him to put the lid to the cage on properly and the next thing you know the snake would be in my room choking me out for killing its dinner.
I’m standing in the hallway taking my pulse as Anth makes sure the mouse doesn’t get out of the toilet and he feels bad for it. “Aw, poor little guy is hanging on for dear life.” He says. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? FLUSH IT!!!!” I replied. So he does, then he starts in with these crazy accusations that he hopes the snake isn’t loose too. So he goes up, I hear him messing with the snake cage as I stood on the stairs…. “Is it in there? Is everything ok? I can’t look at it. I’m going to throw up, this is crazy, I’m going to die, I’m going to get eaten by tiny mice and snakes. I might faint.” Anth wasn’t replying which worried me. He finally came down and assured me that the snake was in the cage and everything was intact.
Anth said he was going to sleep and I walked to my room and began plotting the demise of Doogie.
Now here it is almost 5am and Anth just left for boot camp. He’s annoyed with me asking questions about the scene he found in Doogie’s room since I’m trying to be a detective and figure out if Doogie knew the mouse was loose. Either way, he needs to get that shit in check. I sent him the following email since he cowered away to his girlfriends for the night:
To: Doogie, Anth
Doogie. What the fuck. Guess what woke me up at 3:30 this morning? A fucking mouse. That’s right, I am not happy. You owe us SO big!! Me for getting woken up by it and capturing it (I may never sleep again) and Anth because I had to wake him up to dispose of it. Shit listed, Doogie. Shit listed.
Anth thinks we should tell him he can’t have his girlfriend over for 3 weeks in order to make it up to us. I’m thinking something more along the lines of he needs to get rid of the snake since he obviously can’t keep it’s live food under control and his roommates are the ones that have to suffer when the fuckers get loose. Seems fair right? It’s happened before, it will surely happen again. When there is a problem find a solution. Problem: How to not have your roommates get woken up by mice running around Solution: Get rid of the thing that eats the mice so you don’t have to buy them. DING DING DING!! I’m pissed. I fucking hate men. The only reason to have a snake is to make up for a small penis to make yourself feel more adequate. End of story.