Happy Jerseday Everyone!! Let’s start off this fist pumping with a DOUCHE DAY story!
A few weeks ago my friend Dina came up to visit, I haven’t seen her in a year so a reunion was so very necessary. She came to my apartment one night; we started off with cocktails at my apartment and stories of how we hate men. We ended the night at an afterhour’s club with my old sorority friend Vickie and that’s all I remember.
I woke up the next morning to Anth pounding on my bedroom door saying Dina was texting him because she needed to get her stuff. It was literally one of those out of body experiences where I was like, “Really? What happened last night? Am I alive right now?” I was still in my clothes from the night before, my tv was blaring, the lights were all on, there were ralphing remnants crusted to my face, oh and I was still super wasted.
Dina showed up an hour later, not pissed off that I had obviously left her at the club to fend for her own. Apparently we were with a guy she had been dating so she stayed at his house. Shew! And I was dancing with his ugly sidekick. Yuck. We tried to recrap the rest of the night but failed and failed again.
After a while of diligently searching I found my phone and started to look through the texts and calls to see if I could figure out what had happened. That’s when I saw it. A text from: DOUCHEAROO.
The Time: 3:49AM
The Message From DOUCHEAROO: Was I ever mean to you when we dated? As in really mean like made you feel awful about yourself?
The Time: 4:02AM
My Reply: REALLY?!!
—14 hours lapsed time of me coming out of my drunken stupor, being hungover, and wanting to die—
9:59 PM – DOUCHEAROO: Yes, really.
Me: You told me I was crazy, a bitch, and dumb while you saved messages from your ex telling you that “you’re wonderful” and you acted like I was disposable, so yeah I’d say I felt prettttty bad about myself when I dated you.
DOUCHEAROO: I’m sorry about that.
Me: Uh, thanks.
DOUCHEAROO: I guess I have been through some shit lately. So I just wanted to know. Made me appreciate your level of sanity.
Me: Oh yeah, dealing with some crazy?
DOUCHEAROO: You have no idea. (Editor’s note: HAHA, he deserves it. Dick.)
Me: Good luck with that.
DOUCHEAROO: Noted. Can I tell you one thing?
DOUCHEAROO: I’m sorry I took you for granted. I was stupid and didn’t care. Just know that any guy is lucky to have you. Anyone who disagrees is a moron.
Me: Um, thanks?
DOUCHEAROO: Welcome, we did have some good times I thought.
DOUCHEAROO: I guess my point is that I’m sorry when I hurt you. You deserved better.
Me: Yep, 4 years too late with that apology.
DOUCHEAROO: Just wanted you to know. Your name is still Gizzysaurus in my phone by the way.
DOUCHEAROO: I miss you. That’s all I will say.
Annnnnd that’s where I quit replying. Like you have got to be freaking kidding me!!
TO: Snoop Linus
I HAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU.
Right, a little immature and unnecessary but I don’t regret it and I was out of my element so whatever.
Reply from Snoop-Linus 5 days later: I fucked everything up, all of it. I just need you back in my life, the past year hasn’t been the same without you. I love you Gizzy.
Really? I say I hate you after not speaking to the kid for months I send I hate you and get an I love you I need you back in my life?
So the lessoned to be learned here is that even at 26 years old I still cannot be trusted with my own cell phone while intoxicated.
I think getting that “I hate you” out of my system will end the whole Snoop-Linus debacle and I don’t think DOUCHEAROO will be texting me for sometime after getting shot down…. Again. DENIED!