Lately I’ve been thinking WWPSD like A LOT. I know I know, she’s not married so what does she know about relationships? Mostly I’ve been thinking about why she would tell me I am still single. Because lets be honest… I’m semi-successful, not retarded, not completely hideous, and not that big of a bitch so the reasons must be hidden within.
I think Patti would tell me that I need to move out of the frat house, get highlights, and face my fears and have sex with a black guy. And then wa-lah! Mr. Perfect would appear at my front door down on one knee with a dozen long stemmed roses and a gift certificate for lypo (a girl can dream arrite!)
She would also probably tell me that I should stop bringing a bowl of cereal to work for lunch because no guy is going to think slurping milk and coco crispies is attractive. (Or will they?! He..he.) But that’s beside the point.
Last night I envisioned myself on Millionaire Matchmaker and thought what am I looking for in a guy/relationship….
#1: Sense of humor – nobody wants someone with a stick up their ass, no matter how hot they are. Example: Neal Bledsoe… He used to be my dream man, but then he rejected my friend request on facebook. Like you are not that famous Neal. Get the stick out of your ass!
#2: I have to think they’re attractive.
#3: They have to be able to engage my mom, stepdad, and sister in a conversation. So far I’ve only brought home 2 guys that my mom and stepdad swooned over. 1 of them wasn’t even a boyfriend and they willingly took me to visit him at college like 5 states away because they missed him so much, and the other was a guy I dated casually in high school. Him and his soccer buddies would drop by my house, not to hang out with me, but to hang out with my mom… I’d come home from Lucky’s house or from work and my semi-boyfriend would be there with the soccer team munching on freshed baked cookies. So in Patti words: a family man.
#4 Religion is not a deal breaker. However, a family history of male pattern baldness is.
Then, Patti would ask me who my celebrity crush is and I would get all hot and bothered talking about Alexander Skarsgard:
And she’d make fun of me being like.. “Oh come on.. guys in the real world aren’t that perfect.” And I’d be all “Ok, well set me up with him then because we are soulmates. Kthanks! “(I am getting hot and bothered looking at the picture. Seriously, I’m sweating. It’s gross.)
I don’t know if I can go on with this. Now I’ve got Alexander Skarsgard on the brain and I kind of just want to go home and lay in my bed. I’ll try…
So I don’t know, maybe Patti would do some exercises with me to get me to small talk with people. Maybe I’d have to ride an elevator for an hour and find out a fun fact about every person that got on the elevator, because that would make me personable and warm… which I’m not? Maybe she would make me do stand up to face my fears of public embarassment? I think I might cry. This is turning into a therapy session.
Anyway, my thoughts are how can I make myself approachable to be asked on dates? I’m not looking for a relationship, but I wouldn’t mind getting to know some people before I move out of this god forsaken city I also wouldn’t mind some sex, but… lets try for a dinner first. Do I need to wear a sign or a button that says, “Ask ME out!” Is there an international color for single that I should be wearing? Should I just shut my mouth and become a lesbian? I don’t know this is stressing me out.
I also feel like I need to comment on the egg donor thing Lucky mentioned yesterday. Yes, it WAS my idea to be an egg donor to earn fast cash and if Lucky wants to do it by god I’ll be there to hold her hand because she is more selfless than I am. I was all, “Yeah I just don’t know if I could be walking around all day knowing I had a kid out there somewhere.” And she was all, “Well I’d be thinking of it like, these people can’t have kids.” Which is a valid point, but I think I’m still too selfish. I’d get in there and see them take my egg out and be like, um that’s my egg bitch give it back!
Clearly I’ve got some things to work on during this long weekend. Happy holidays everyone.