Hey hey peeps! I’m still alive, and although I was alive all week, somehow I feel like I’m back from the dead.
My week in a nutshell: Friday night, my mom arrived after a 14 hour drive across the country. Saturday we went to a football game, complete with beer and grilled food. Sunday we cleaned what was to be my old apartment. Monday was moving day. Tuesday we unpacked boxes and boxes. Wednesday we were tourists. Thursday we went to the mall. And Friday my mom left.
It was a busy, busy week. Every night I was so exhausted I kept falling asleep sitting up on my couch. And now, that I have to be back at the office…it seems just ridiculous.
But, it was bound to happen sometime, right?
I promise I will post pics of the new place as soon as I take enough to give you the grand tour—even Gizzy hasn’t seen the place yet!
I will say that I am loving it. I’m living on top of a J-Crew right now, and my window looks out onto a few clothing stores. I can literally see people shopping.
In a week, I’ve driven my car twice. Yet, I’ve been to the movies (you MUST see “What’s Your Number?”), out to eat, been to Starbucks, the grocery…walking places is totally underrated.
I feel like my mood has lifted. And it feels great.
Last week, I finally told my ex boyfriend to leave me alone. I know, I know, you all probably think I’m crazy and maybe just a little pathetic. For some reason, he has been so hard to let go. However, I noticed that if we did go a week without communicating, I felt better. He was really bringing me down.
I’ve been controlled and manipulated in the past by boyfriends, however this was the worst it’s ever been. So bad, in fact, that I could barely see it was happening. But, I finally told him that I wasn’t cut out for it anymore and that he needed to let me go for good.
He asked me if it was because he couldn’t see himself getting married.
Truthfully, it wasn’t that, because I can’t see myself getting married either. And it had been months since I thought about him and I getting married. It was because he treated me like shit—even as a friend. He constantly stood me up, ignored me, etc. And I just don’t need people like that in my life. I told him I wished him the best, and that I hoped one day, he would open up to someone that would make him happy. And I really do mean that, even though I don’t think it will ever happen.
In my dating life of ten years, it’s been really hard for me to admit to myself that I can’t save people. I can’t fix anyone’s problems. I have enough problems of my own to deal with. And often, the broken people I’m attracted to have brought me down. And that has made me someone that I’m not—someone unhappy. I am a child at heart, cynical yes, but mostly upbeat and happy. I just need to keep chugging along, and understand that it’s okay to admit when someone just isn’t right for me.
And sure, sometimes I find myself sad that I can’t just text him or whatever. But, I know that time will heal my little bit of hurt. And that little bit of hurt, I think, is just what’s left of the control he had on me. I was not so far gone to think that the hurt derived from love.
I debated telling you all that. I always want people to think I am strong and that I can shut out my exes easily. But I had to remind myself that this blog was made for me to talk about the real stuff in my life, and that’s as real as it gets. Sometimes, I am weak.
When my mom was visiting, she asked me if I ever thought about what kind of marriage I wanted to have. Did I want to be a part of a power couple? A stay-at-home mom?
I broke the news to her, and told her that I was honestly trying not to fantasize about marriage because I don’t think it’s in the cards for me. And I’m not sad about it. I told her I would rather fantasize about creating a great life for myself as a single woman instead. I told her I wanted to make big career moves and that I have been thinking about adopting a child at 38.
Instead of dreaming about a wedding, more than anything, I just want to wake up everyday and be happy in my own skin, whether there is a man next to me or not. It will take time, but slowly, I am getting there.