Life Decisions

Wednesday night Lucky and I had a VERY long talk (4 hours to be exact, on the phone) about how far we’ve come with not only ourselves, but our outlook on dating and our lives.  We rehashed our good times from high school, like driving by our crush’s houses on a Friday night listening to Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me a River. We even tossed around the idea of attending our 10 year high school reunion coming up in a few years (pending if we feel good about where we’re at and if we can get a solid guest list beforehand).  

This may not be the case for everyone, but especially around the Holidays I find myself looking back at situations I’ve faced (especially those from high school when I had a clear head) where if I had made 1 different decision my life would be completely different.

For example:

My last high school boyfriend – we’ll call him Daniel.  Daniel was/is the type of guy that I would probably like to date now (minus the crazy).  But, when I was 17 and just starting to figure out who I was (still not totally there yet!) I didn’t want some hopeless romantic guy who was obsessed with me and treated me like a queen to hold me back from life experiences.  Looking back I don’t know if he was as obsessed with me as he was possessive, but I’ll roll with it.  

He was a year older and had 1 serious girlfriend all through high school,  and all the girls thought he was cute and so nice and blah blah blah. So, when him and the serious gf broke up I snatched him up, and 6 months later he left for college  and we stayed together while I was left to face my senior year with the temptation of a newly single High School Crush.

 Anyway, Daniel was a planner.  He had this big plan that he was going to go to this all boys college that was half an hour from SHIT U, and we could drive back and forth to see each other, and then my sophomore year of college/his junior year, we would get married.   Now the thought of this makes me want to vomit.  He actually set up appointments to go look at rings while we were still in high school.  I always found a reason to cancel (because I didn’t want the ring, because I was embarrassed, with good reason) and it makes me ill thinking that I was like pretty much engaged to this guy.

I was kind of all for it at first.  I watched a lot of Rom Com’s and wanted the happily ever after that he wanted to give me.  But then, I got in a bad car accident in the fall of my senior year and it made me sane again.  Thank god.  I may have totaled my first car in the accident, but I feel like that accident saved me from a miserable life with him.  After the accident I couldn’t stand to have the guy touch me.  I hated the sound of his voice and it made me feel physically ill to be around him.  We stayed together for about 2 months after that and then I pulled the classic, “We need a break.”  To which he pretty much went psycho, and threatened to kill himself.  

I remember him showing up at my house one night while I was getting into my car when no one was home, and he wouldn’t let me pull out of my driveway, so I drove through the grass called a guy friend on my cell phone to tell him what was going on and that I was coming over, and basically had crazy psycho Daniel following me the whole way there.  

He even followed Lucky and I to Florida on the infamous senior spring break trip.  We’re talking like an 18 hour drive, that he did alone, not on his spring break, and didn’t pack anything.  Creepy.

At some point after the breakup I finally hashed it out with Daniel over the phone while he was back at college and I was safe at home.  I don’t remember exactly what was said, but I just know it was really bad because TO THIS DAY his friends STILL apologize to me for what he said.  We’re talking 10 years later.

Anyway, the point to all of this is, about a month after Daniel followed me to Florida he started dating this girl, Emily, that we also went to high school with.  You know how everyone kind of has 2 best friends?  Like Lucky has me and Buttons, I have Lucky and now Betty I guess, there used to be another best friend of mine.  I still consider her one of my best friends but we hardly ever talk. She’s married and has 2 kids and pretty much thinks I’m a hot mess whore.  Anyway, her two best friends are me and Emily, and Emily and Daniel began dating right after we broke up.  And now they are married, with 2 kids.  

So after knowing all of that, imagine how much fun best friend #2’s wedding was that Emily and I were both Bridesmaids in?  And Best Friend #2’s kids birthday parties and pretty much any other important events that go down. It’s like 100% the elephant in the room.  The funny part is, Emily and I have no problem with each other, we’re friends and we get along.  But Daniel and I have not said a word to each other since the breakup 10 years ago.  

ANYWAY, my point is… if I had stuck it out and stayed with Daniel, I could be Emily.  I could be married, living in hometown, as a housewife, with 2 kids.  And the thought of that PAINS me.  I know having a husband is all Lucky and I talk about, but I think if I was married to him the one thing I would wish for was #1 to have my life back and #2 to be single on a deserted island.  This poor girl, if she ever leaves him she’s pretty much as good as dead.  Cray cray.  

The thought of all of this just scares me.  I realize that everything happens for a reason and I made the decision to break up with him because we weren’t meant to be with each other.  But I often think about other decisions I’ve made, like what college to go to, and what city to accept a job in, and other decisions that may have paved a path for me that is steering me away from the person I’m supposed to be with.   But in light of the fact that I am perfect and ALWAYS make the right decisions, we’ll say whoever this dream guy of mine is that I’m supposed to be with, is clearly the one making the wrong decisions that are leading him away from me.  I don’t need THAT weighing on me every time I’m deciding to go right or left.

 

 

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