Desperation is the sincerest form of flattery

Remember a few months ago how I was complaining that the big city sucked so much ass and I wanted to move home?  Well it still does, but not for the same reasons.  I’m slowly but surely making more friends and meeting new people that help occupy my weekends so I don’t feel like a loser – so now I just hate the big city because it’s expensive and there is a lot of traffic.  And still no man for me to make out with.

Which brings me to my next subject.

Friday was Anth’s birthday.  He had decided to have all of his closest friends come to a little restaurant/bar for dinner and drinks to help him celebrate.  Not only did I not want to eat greasy restaurant food, I didn’t want to pay the greasy restaurant price.  So I stopped at the grocery on the way home to get myself some single serving bottles of wine (I know, and I think I’m looking less like a loser) and some sushi. 

As I walked into the grocery store a guy in a big puffy blue coat caught my attention.  I looked over and saw a glimpse of his face as he turned away from me.  My heart jumped up into my throat and I stopped in my tracks while I contorted my body to try and get a better look at his face.  – I was almost certain it was Lucky’s ex.

As I rounded the corner I rubbernecked waiting for him to turn so that I could get a better look.  When I finally saw his face I texted Lucky, “OMG OMG OMG… I think I just saw your ex at the grocery.”

Lucky told me to go back and kill him.  Which I should have.  This is a day I have been waiting like 6 years for.  Remember in the Sex and The City movie when Charlotte is all like, “If I ever see Big I’m going to say ‘I curse the day you were born!’” And then she sees him and says it?  That’s kind of how this was – except my plan was to punch him in the face.  Since I wasn’t 100% sure it was him I carried on with my shopping thinking it couldn’t have been, because what would he have been doing at the grocery wifeless at 5pm on a Friday night?  That is, until Lucky confirmed it was him Sunday night after one of his friends told her that he said he saw me.  Now I’m on the prowl, brass knuckles in tow. 

Anyway, I got my sushi and my wine, went home and hoovered it, then met the rest of the crew out for Anth’s birthday.  To my surprise there were some people there I didn’t know – and some other’s I would’ve never expected to see.  Like, HOTTIE’s best friend and roommate.  Fortunately we stayed on neutral subjects and avoided any talk about HOTTIE, so who knows what he is up to, he could be married and Jewish now for all I know.

After a while I noticed a hot quiet guy in the corner being mauled by our friend that talks non-stop.  I was just drunk enough, so when I saw her leave for the bathroom I made my move.  I had to be quick, since I knew the non-stop talker would be back in less than 5 minutes.  It was like speed dating for drunks and every half hour or so when she would go to the bathroom or the bar I got to run back over there for a quick chatty.  We were about to exchange numbers when Anth threw up and everyone put me in charge of taking him home.  Awesome. 

As I’m gathering my things and closing out the tab, the hot guy comes up to me and says infront of everyone, “Aww no more battle for Brian?  I was just about to make my decision who the winner is that gets to take me home!” Ummm… shame.   I didn’t say anything, but everyone burst out laughing, moments before this guy arrived I had told everyone that tonight was going to be the night – I was going to find someone to make out with if it killed me!  So yeah, that’s pretty humiliating – I just left and bought myself a cheeseburger on the way home. 

Saturday I went to visit a friend in a city close by hometown where a lot of people from mine and Lucky’s high school now live.  I was excited to go out and be able to drink for the entire night for under $30 and catch up with my friend.  As soon as we walked in the first bar I saw 2 guys from high school that Lucky and I had just been talking about earlier that day.  One of them had just gotten engaged and the other was recently married, so we had been voicing our opinions on that.  I avoided them until the end of the night when they finally found me and were all….”Gizzy! How are you? What are you doing here? Are you married?”

Literally, first 10 seconds of seeing me, are you married, really?  Before I elaborate on this crap, let me back track a few days to a phone call I got from my ex-roommate (Mom) where she told me that she had dinner at one of my high school guy friends parent’s house and the guy was there and asked about me.  She said he asked about my job and how I liked living in the big city, then he asked if I was married and my mom told him no.  My mom proceeded to tell me that the guy was just in complete and utter shock that I wasn’t married.  To which I said to my mom, ok… why is it so shocking? I’m 26, not 45.  And my mom was like, “Well you’re just so pretty and such a good catch.” And I said “Exactly, so I’m holding out for a guy who is really hot and also a good catch.” – So everyone needs to LAY OFF!

Of course, last week after my co-worker made me feel like my existence is meaningless because I’m single, this conversation with my mom, and now these two guys from high school questioning my singleness, I was a tad bit annoyed with how my being single is some kind of world shattering news. 

Anyway, I told the guys no I’m not married, I’m single, no boyfriend, no prospects, no sex, no making out, I’m basically a nun.  They then started to exchange stories of how one of them tried to date me once, but I wasn’t having it and how I’m too good for everyone and how they both would’ve married me.  I let it go on for a few minutes until I finally said – ok guys, you’re both married, and I’m right here… so let’s stop this.

Then they asked about Lucky and her job and were commenting on how she’s a big deal.  I told them that she’s famous and better than everyone, one of them used to have a thing with Lucky and I told him he missed out (right in front of his wife, zing!).  Then they asked if she was married.  NO, NO she’s not.  She’s just a big single wench like me.  God.

When the night finally came to a close I got in line at a sub-shop for some drunk food.  As I was walking out the door shoving sandwich in my face I saw two more guys from high school, High School Crush’s best friends to be exact.  I wasn’t all that surprised because they both live in the area.  We started chatting and then they informed me that HSC was in town and was right next door at a different restaurant and that I should go over there.  I thought about it, I really did, but then I thought do I want to be the girl that shows up at 3:30 in the morning “To say hi”?  Not that anything would’ve happened, but I was drunk and wasn’t mentally prepared for it, I also didn’t have on my perfect outfit and my make up was pretty much melted off my face.  You know what they say, nothing good ever happens after 2am, or is it 11?  Either way, the time had passed and I opted out and just told the friends to tell him hi for me. 

 And, end weekend.

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