Sent: Fri, Nov 18, 2011 at 12:04 PM
Subject: Chapter 1
I finally got a chance to read the first chapter of your book, and I have some feedback for you.
- The opening (the text message). I wasn’t sure how this is to fit with the remainder of your story. Is this an introduction to the entire book? Either way, it could use more description instead of phrases like “beautifully spirited” and “face radiates love.”
- The portion titled “The Beginning” seems like a second introduction, since it’s summed up at the end what the reader is to expect. I’m not sure if this is what you were going for.
- Perhaps you were intending to further explain your mother’s illnesses, but it just grazes over them, so I was confused as to what was wrong with her.
In general, I was taken aback by just how selfish you said you were. While that may be the case, it’s always a good idea to reel the reader in and make them like you as a character before you point out flaws—at this point you sound like a pretty big jerk, and it doesn’t address why. Why did you want a life all about you? Why didn’t you want to care for your family from day one? etc…
Honestly, the first chapter has so much information crammed in, it could be three chapters. It needs much more description—this is the most difficult part in writing about your own story. You lived it, so to you, it may seem clear and vivid, but it needs more show, not tell.
Good luck in your writing,
Fri, Nov 18, 2011 TEXT
Writer Guy: Hey thanx for the info! I’ll respond when I get a few free minutes.
Sun, Nov 20, 2011 at 10:11 AM
subject Re: Chapter 1
the idea with starting out showing how selfish i was, is to transition later in the book to show how much i changed and helped my family. so although some of us may be not be making the right decisions, there’s always an opp to change. but i do see what you’re saying with trying to get the reader to like me. do you think it would make more sense to start out with a nice moment between my mother and i, that will explain our relationship and the diseases she had? maybe something like the time i danced in the rain for her, after she was already bed bound, and said she missed the rain?