Extra Extra Read All About It: Single loser is FINE with being single, the world is ending.

Did everyone have a fantabulous Turkey Day?!  Mine was awesome! Mostly because I had 5 days off work, which by the way, all apologies for being a slackass on the blogging last week.

Anyway, on to the good stuff… does anyone remember my top 5 worst dates?  Remember #1 aka the worst date I’ve ever been on? The one where Stepdad’s sister and her husband took it upon themselves to set me up with a guy from their church?  Well, they’re at it again.

I hate going to Stepdad’s family events to begin with, it’s uncomfortable and I’m the only non-blood relative.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re all extremely nice welcoming people, but they’re not the family I grew up with, so I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% myself around them.  But, I hate going to his family events even more because at every gathering his sister is sitting next to me trying to think of all of the eligible bachelors she knows that she could set me up with, insert alcohol and lots of it.

Normally, her efforts fizzle out because her husband finds something wrong with the guy and stops it before it can ever start.  Usually, she’ll name someone off, look at her husband for approval, and he’ll go, “No no… he’s got AIDS.”  “No, no… he has a kid.”  “No, no… he does drugs (just my type)” etc, etc… and after they’ve successfully embarrassed me in front of the whole family (that isn’t mine) I never have to hear another word about it and I can stuff my face in peace.

This Thanksgiving started off seemingly normal.  We all sit down to dinner and as I’m shoveling turkey into my mouth with no intention of ever looking up I hear her start in, “What about Jared for Gizzy?” I look up out of the corner of my eye through my turkey haze waiting for the disapproval from her husband when he said the words I never wanted to hear, “Yeah! Now there’s an idea!! That would be… yeah! Good thinking!!”  FUCK. 

So my #1 pet peeve is when everyone in a room is looking at me.  I get all hot and start to blush and it’s just not good.  Then it makes it even worse because someone always calls me out on blushing.  In this case it was Stepdad going, “Oooo look at Gizzy, you’re embarrassing her!”

So Stepaunt is like telling me all about this guy, how he’s sooooo attractive, he’s 30 (run!), has a good job, he’s their nephew, lives in the south (mind you, I do not live in the south), he just bought a house, he likes to go fishing, he’s so nice that he flew his brother to the south just to go fishing with him, and when he came to visit them he folded up his blankets, and even made a bed he didn’t sleep in.  Wait a tick, did I hear your nephew in there?  I know it’s not incest, but I am only 26, should I be so desperate that I’ll start dating within the family? Now, I appreciate a guy with good manners, who is nice to others, and who has a job, but I just figure they don’t really know my taste in guys seeing as they’re 0 in 1 with the setups thus far.  And he lives like 1000 miles away, and he’s your nephew, so like WTF.

Then, while we’re sitting there at the Thanksgiving dinner table she gets out her iphone and starts plugging away trying to find a picture of him.  I thought I was in the clear and it was over with when she couldn’t figure out how to search for someone on facebook.  Then, one of my bratass stepcousins had to go and show her how to find him.  So they pull up a picture, the guy wasn’t unattractive; he just wasn’t the type I’m typically attracted to.  In all honesty, Lucky might like him; his looks are a cross between bastard cheating ex and her ex that lives in Japan, a frat boy/outdoorsman if you will.  Now me?  I’m on the opposite end; I typically go for the little scrawny guys that you wonder if they might actually be gay.  For some reason, I have it in my head that guys that look like that will be nice, they never are, and they’re usually the biggest assholes ever.

Anyway, what was I supposed to say?  Sorry he’s not my type?  Typically I go for a cross between douchebag and gay?  I said, “Ohhh yeah he’s cute!” Then it was time to pass the phone around the table for everyone to see.  Stepdad made a comment that he looked like one of my other cousins, which is disgusting.  And my mom was all, “Ohhh yeah, he’s reaaaallly cute! Maybe he’ll fly you down to see him.  And you can be like, let’s go see my aunt in Florida, but she can’t meet him before I do so I’d have to fly down and meet him too.”  THANK GOD, someone chimed in and was like, “Now let’s not marry her off just yet.”  But Stepuncle all night was saying he was going to make it happen, he was going to give this guy a call and tell him to send me a message on facebook. 

AS SOON AS we got home my mom was like, “Well Stepuncle and Stepaunt’s nephew sounds really nice and like he has a good job, I hope he messages you!”  This also seemed like the perfect time to shatter my mom’s dreams of me being a normal suburban girl with a husband, a family, a dog, and a minivan, “Yeah, so I think I’m going to move to Los Angeles.”

That was pretty much the end of that, I got to work Monday and had a facebook message from the guy, “Do you happen to know Stepuncle and Stepaunt? They said I should message you.” 

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One thought on “Extra Extra Read All About It: Single loser is FINE with being single, the world is ending.

  1. […] well now we can invite Jared to come meet you!!!” Um, please take a few moments to remember Jared. Seriously? Fuck me. Over a year later I am still dealing with this crap, but can you at least give […]

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