I got the right to put up a fight.

I met BEX’s new girlfriend.

Actually, I met both of them. Yeah, he’s fucking two chicks, because one isn’t enough. These are the kind of girls who are best friends; they even fuck guys together.

I went on a short road trip the other night, and stopped for gas about half way. In the bathroom, there they were. They were both petite, one with over-processed black hair, cut short and really straight. She wore thick eyeliner, daisy dukes, and a red hockey shirt. Her friend was quiet, with stringy blond hair.

The girl with the black hair was vocal, started telling me how much she loved her boyfriend who told her she was “just lovely.”

I knew. I just knew it in my gut she was talking about BEX.

Standing in the grungy bathroom, listening to black hair go on about her lover, I logged onto Facebook from my phone, and unblocked BEX to see the evidence.

And there it was. They were even linked up in a relationship—but it was his name plus two names….the blonde, too.

His wall was covered in raunchy photos of black hair, her tattoos for everyone to see. His profile picture was what disturbed me the most: a picture of him leaning across the bar, gripping his knuckles at the neck of some guy’s shirt. BEX’s teeth were gritted tight, he was wearing rings around his fingers, and the man across from him looked terrified.

I left the truck stop and went on my way.

A few days later, I walked by BEX’s old house; a home I’ve always loved. Inside, I could see BEX’s mom and dad, sitting in rocking chairs by the fireplace. BEX was there, too, dressed in his usual oxford shirt and khakis.

I let myself in and silently walked to the room they were all sitting in.

“Hi….I…uh…hope I’m not interrupting, I was just at work and…” I said.

“Oh, Lucky you didn’t interrupt a thing!” his mom said, getting up to hug me.

“Did you guys have a good Christmas? I see the tree is already gone,” I asked.

“Oh yeah, we took it down right away,” she said.

“You know Christmas,” BEX said. “It can be cold and dark.” I looked his way, and there were tears in his eyes.

And then I woke up. That’s right, even my nightmares won’t let go. I felt sick. Because I don’t need to see it with my own eyes to know that it’s true. I just know he’s fucking all the girls that are everything I’m not.

But the thing that bothers me more than that, is him. You know when you have a dream and maybe the person in it doesn’t look the same as they do in real life, but you know it’s supposed to be them?

With BEX, I just don’t know anymore. In the last six months, either I’ve changed or he has, because he’s a person I no longer know. To be honest, I don’t think there’s much I ever knew. The things I do know, I’m not sure how much of them were ever true.

As much as I hate saying this, I’m afraid that the longest relationship I’ve had, the one I thought was the one, was the most manipulative and damaging I’ve endured.

Since the last exchange I’ve had with BEX, two weeks ago, I’ve felt pretty disgusting. To think that he’s been having sex with other girls and then trying to with me. I feel really abused. And I’ve noticed that it’s difficult for me to see any type of sex-scene in a movie or on TV, or even talk about sex.

On Christmas, I heard nothing from BEX. And this just drove the dagger in further—really? You wanted so badly to have sex with me but you can’t even wish me a merry Christmas?

I know this is all so fucked up beyond interpretation. Don’t worry, I haven’t reached out to him, and I won’t. As much as that nightmare sucked, I’m thankful that my brain is doing me some favors.

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4 thoughts on “I got the right to put up a fight.

  1. Gina says:

    Oh, Lucky. It will get better; it will! I have been there, and I have felt very close to the way you’re feeling. I could never have pictured myself years later married to someone else (or anyone), looking back on my exes with nothing more than nostalgia. They feel like long lost family to me now, even the ones I hate-hated.

    I know I probably can’t make you feel better, but I do believe you should allow yourself to go through all these stages, the highs and the lows. As long as you keep moving forward, you are on your way.

    I’m rooting for you, lady!

    xx Happy New Year!

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