The other day, someone to not be named told me that maybe if I was a little HAPPIER I wouldn’t still be single. Instead of snapping their neck, I decided to think about what it would take to make me one of those, don’t make me say it, Happy People. I had one of those moments like you get when you’re driving and your mind goes blank then all of a sudden you’re at home and you’re like OMG what just happened how did I get home? I don’t even remember driving here. Well right, that happened when I started thinking about being a happy person, and when I came to, I found the following:
Dear Personality Traits and Readers:
It is with great regret that I inform you my Cynicism and his assistant Negativity have announced their first retirement of January 31, 2012. With nearly 27 years of loyal service, these two will be undoubtedly missed by all. C & N have high hopes for their future outside of My Brain. They plan to travel and are optimistic that they will find their true loves: Pessimism and Despair in that of someone else.
A feeble attempt to fill the gaping holes they will leave in my heart will be made by two new traits, Bubbly and Optimism. We, here in My Brain, don’t have high hopes for these 2 new hires, as we suspect they will get walked all over by assholes and cuntwads, but upper management can be a real bitch.
With that being said, we hope that you will welcome these new un-funny personality traits with open arms. An incentive program will be offered to any other traits that can help B & O become accustomed to our late nights, love for tall dark and handsome men, and desire to become an Australian citizen by that of marriage. (Or don’t welcome them, tell me you hate them, and it will be an AWESOME excuse for me to fall back into being unlovable. I’m cool with it. My family, friends (except Lucky), and co-workers however, are not so kosher with my hatred for humanity, and insist I am still single because no one can love a sour puss.)
In order to have a smooth transition and on-board our new hires, I have brought in a few professionals to help with training: Mr. Captain Morgan and his associate Ms. Cherry Pie (because who can hate a fat drunk girl?). Mr. Morgan has been a colleague of mine since the early 2000’s and is proud to introduce his newest fad in training techniques, one he calls Lime Bite.
We, here in My Brain, are excited to work with Mr. Morgan and Ms. Pie and hope that you, out there, won’t judge us for being drunk and fat. Not only has Cynicism taken our best hidden asset Negativity with him on his travels, our Gym and Tanning memberships got word of the restructure we are undertaking and decided to jump ship as well. Gym and Tanning fees are rising in 2012, and with the outsourcing our new trainers Mr. Morgan and Ms. Pie, we can no longer afford to provide this benefit to our Body Department. Chances are, things are going to get pretty bad around here. We will be looking ugly and pale, not to mention fat and drunk, but by god people will like us because we’ll be happy. If upper management wants us to be peppy and upbeat, we will show them the repercussions of the kind of sacrifices we have to undertake in order to put up with our new posers, Bubbly and Optimistic.
I hope that you can bear with us in the coming weeks as C & N clean up their desks and tie up any lose ends of things that may be bothering us. 2012 is going to be bitchin!
That part of Gizzy’s brain that blacks out and writes weird letters