The High School Crush Practice Date

As you’re all aware, I had a date on Wednesday night.  Normally I don’t do dates unless I really like the guy, why waste our time and his money if I know I’m not interested?  At this point, I’d like to ask all of you nay sayers to save it with the optimistic “How do you know you don’t like him until you go on a date and see?!” bullshit. I just know, okay? If I don’t get a tingle in my vajayjay upon our first meeting, then he’s in the friend zone….forever! But, since I have the almighty High School Crush date on Saturday, I figured I could use the practice making adult conversation, so I gladly accepted even though I already knew I wasn’t interested romantically.

All day Wednesday I bitched and moaned to Lucky about how I didn’t want to go.  I really wanted to sit in my jammies in bed that night and shop online for the perfect outfit to wear on the date with HSC Saturday.  Lucky kept telling me to suck it up and stop being a wiener, I had to go on this one to take the pressure off of Saturday, and it wouldn’t be that bad.  I wasn’t worried about the dinner itself, I was more worried about the goodbye at the end of the night.  Do I shake his hand? Give him a hug? A kiss on the cheek? If he buys me a bottle of Dom does that mean I’m obligated to give him a bj? This is more thinking than I like to do after I leave the office, clearly.  So I tried to get myself out of the end of the night awkwardness all together.

The guy was supposed to pick me up at 7pm and around 4 he texted me asking for my address.  So I did what I do best, I made up an excuse so we could just meet at the restaurant.  “Er, well, I’m going to have to stay late at work.  So, is it cool if I just meet you at the restaurant? I don’t think I’ll have time to make it home beforehand.”  Usually when I do this the guy will comply, but this time I was not so lucky.  He said we could just go later so that I could go home first and decompress from work.  Ugh! Fail.  I told him we could still go at 7 because I am so prepared that I brought of change of clothes to work, and he said I could just drive to his place and we could walk to the restaurant.  It wasn’t ideal, but it was better than him walking me to my door at the end of the night and coming in for the goodnight kiss and me barfing on his face.

When I started getting ready for the date I wanted to look good, but not too good, because I didn’t want to give him the wrong signals.  So, I wore the diamond ring that HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON got me last year for Christmas.  Yep, you read right.  I did that.  I also ate a clove of garlic.  I know, I’m horrible.  With any date, you hope there won’t be a lull in the conversation, because how awkward is that when it’s apparent that you’re both sitting there racking your brain trying to think of things to talk about?  I can say, that did not happen on this date.  This guy was FULL of conversation topics, such as but not limited to:

If I looked on your DVR right now what would I find?

What would you do if you won the lottery tomorrow?

What is the last meal you cooked?

If you were stranded on a desert island or mountain what do you think your high heels could double as?

Yeah, so asking these questions out of thin air was super lame, but they served their purpose and got the conversation going.  Even though each time he asked one of these questions it wasn’t because there was a gap in the conversation, it was because my mouth was full of food and I didn’t want to spit vodka cream sauce and noodles on his face, and he apparently took that as I was done talking about the previous topic.  Whatevs.  What I can tell you, is that this weekend I will NOT be asking HSC what’s on his DVR or what he thinks he could do with my high heels on a mountain.  Hrmph.

So, the guy paid for dinner, which was nice, but he kind of bashed me for not wanting to order a desert.  He said I was the only girl he had ever met that didn’t have a sweet tooth and he didn’t know how he felt about it.  “Well,” I told him, “The thing is, I DO have a sweet tooth, but I just had 3 glasses of sangria, a huge dish of pasta, half a loaf of bread, and half an appetizer.  So like, I’m probably going to go home and ralph all this up because I can’t breathe right now.”  He walked me to my car and said we would have to do this again sometime.  He didn’t even try to hug me or anything, so I took that as either A.) He was thinking about me ralphing B.) My subtle “I have a fake boyfriend” clues with the ring and the garlic clove worked or C.) He really did just want to catch up as friends and I’m a narcissistic freak.  Either way, it’s over and now I can focus on tomorrow.  Game on!

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4 thoughts on “The High School Crush Practice Date

  1. It cracks me up that you ate a garlic clove!

  2. -I don’t have DVR.

    -Quit my job, and book flights to every city I’ve never been to.

    -Baked chicken, with okra and roasted beets that made my piss pink.

    -Weapons for defense or hunting purposes.

    -Lucky

    • Bahaha I thought of you when he asked the DVR question… this is what went on in my mind:

      “Hrmm… Lucky doesn’t have DVR, maybe I should say I don’t too because this question is LAME!”

      Should’ve done it!
      -G

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