Clearly, you’re allergic to lunch so shut up and go home

So Ciggy Breath hasn’t gotten the boot yet.  I don’t know what’s going on, like if you’re going to fire him, do it! I need some peace and quiet more than ever up in this bitch. 

I was chatting with Lucky on facebook one day last week while listening to Ciggy Breath have a conversation with someone (I assume his wife) about his daughter’s dating life.

I mean, whatever, we’re all entitled to a break and if he chooses to use his gossiping about his daughter’s sexcapades for all to hear then what do I care? What bothers me, is that he was on the phone for an hour.  AN HOUR! They covered everything just shy of the amount of semen that was in the condom after she was finished with the poor bloke.  Seriously.

As if it’s not bad enough to listen to him jabbering about his daughter whoring herself out in NYC, then he gets on the phone with our “customers” and starts asking about every detail of their life which then turns into a 20 minute phone call, “Well… now that the work is out of the way, how’s your family? How are your parents? Did you have a nice Valentine’s Day? What are you doing for Christmas? What about next Christmas?” Seriously dude? Do you ever do work? P.s. I hate you and fuck off.

Then comes lunch, every day at lunch Ciggy Breath proclaims when he is starting to eat so that everyone knows, “Oh here I go, I’m getting started.” Then he tips his bag of chips back and pours them into his mouth because he’s too fucking lazy to stick his grubby little mitts into the bag and pull them out individually, or heaven forbid dump them onto a napkin like civilized person would do, but neither of those options would give him a mouth full of chips to spit out as he talked, so I don’t know where I get off thinking he could ever not dump the bag of chips into his mouth/all over his face.

Then, everyday about halfway through his lunch he starts to sneeze, but not without letting everyone before the sneezing attack starts.  He’ll feel the first one coming, fully knowing he’s going to sneeze for the next ten minutes, and instead of getting up and going to the restroom he holds the sneeze in and says outloud, “Here come the sneezes.” Knowing he is going to sneeze a good 10 times he still tries to eat his lunch between sneezes blowing chunks of food and boogers all over his computer screen I’m sure.

It just really grosses me out.  Yes, there is a half wall that separates us but I can just see his boogers and sneeze chunks flying over the wall into my food, like so…

my interpretation

Totally what happens.

Then, after lunch starts in the burping.  Yep.  Just when you thought it couldn’t get any grosser, it does.  They are like hiccup burps too.  Like he’ll hiccup and burp at the same time, he always says excuse me, but I’m just like dude if you’re going to do that for the next hour just go to the bathroom and barf up your lunch.  Obviously that is what your stomach wants to do. Your body is literally rejecting lunch, and you need to take the sneezing and the hiccups as a sign.  Clearly, you’re allergic to lunch so shut up and go home.

It should stop there, but it doesn’t.  As each afternoon continues Ciggy Breath gets more and more annoying, for the 35 seconds between phone calls he talks to himself about the phone call he just got off of.  Like shit he really wants to say to the person. “Well why didn’t you tell me about the goddamned amendment…”

Typically I can do some breathing exercises to help de-stress and take me to a quiet place, but when he had the call with his wife about the sex I was physically having to stop myself from banging my head into my desk. Then, the perfect opportunity arose when Ciggy Breath was making his rounds to tell everyone goodbye for the day.

He says to me, “So we didn’t win our bet.” I was already annoyed because we didn’t make a bet, so I knew he was going to say something stupid following it,

Me: We didn’t make a bet.

Ciggy Breath: Sure we did, we bet that Anna wouldn’t call me back. I called her asking if the system was ever going to send me a notification about something she did, instead of the system notifying me she emailed me to tell me about it, it’s ridiculous they can’t get it together.

Me: You got notified didn’t you?

Ciggy Breath: Yeah, but not by the system like I should.

Me: As long as you get notified that’s all that matters.  No one has all day to sit around gabbing on the phone like you do, I wouldn’t call you back either if you were asking stupid questions like that.

Then he shut up and left.  It won’t change anything, but I feel better.

4 thoughts on “Clearly, you’re allergic to lunch so shut up and go home

  1. How has NO ONE commented on this?@?! there are so many wonderful things about this post…especially the drawing.

    LOL.

    -L

  2. Talking about his daughter’s sex life? That’s sexual harrassment since it made you uncomfortable to hear it. Now they have a reason to fire him.

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