I know no one is reading this, but I’ll go ahead and explain my post last week, a little, and perhaps then you won’t think I left my brain on the corner of Crazy and Suicidal.
It’s been rough lately. And I know that’s nothing new. I’m working through it, but as I continue to work through it, life happens. Working through feelings and memories is difficult. Sometimes, I feel good after a therapy session, sometimes I cry on the drive home.
Like i’m sure most people do, I’ve forgotten about a lot of things that have happened to me. Some of the memories were lost over time, others gone due to drinking, but many of them, my brain hid in its corners to save me from hurt. But when I talk to Lopez, they come out. Literally, the memories fly out of my mouth and then I just relive them and cry because I forgot it even happened.
Many of my problems stem from my family. Not only did my father leave my mom and I when I was 16, he made things as difficult as he could for me, to see how I’d survive. He promised me a car, and money for things like college and sorority dues. So I signed up for all of those things. Once I got them, he stopped paying for them, and would call me, “how are you going to get through it?” he would ask me.
Now that I’m older, and completely aware from my parents’ care, it’s easier, but the memories are still there. Recently, my dad called me to gossip about my cousin and my uncle. Like all of my uncles, this one abandoned his only child and didn’t pay child support (just like my dad) and now my family is mad that my cousin has basically told them all to fuck off.
The phone call alone hurt me. I hate being reminded of the family I belong to.
Last week, I went out for drinks with Josh and Eddy and really had a decent time. Afterward, Eddy told me that Josh had made a comment, “Lucky probably had a good time because I didn’t make fun of her this time.”
Um, yeah, imagine that. At first, I didn’t think much of it. But then, it really got me upset. I can’t think of anything I’ve done to hurt Josh, so why is he always on a mission to hurt my feelings? I know that now I just can’t talk or hang out with him, which is fine. But it’s got me wondering, how many people do I have to cut out before things get better? And, won’t there be more assholes to replace the ones I’ve gotten rid of?
I’m really trying to get a positive mentality going here. After all, I’ve got a lot of good things happening around me right now. But sometimes, I make myself so busy, to the point that I can’t even think about what’s bothering me. Then, I have a breakdown, and that’s what happened last week. I’ve been telling myself that I am just meant to work on my career and that marriage, or even dating, isn’t for me. When really, I’m just scared shitless that what I really want will never happen for me.