Hey fabu-readers! Remember Shy Guy? Well, thank God, he’s still in our lives because despite the lackluster lives Gizzy and I have been leading lately, he’s been having a little more fun. So we’re bringing him back, and it’s double amaze-balls!
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It’s been awhile since I’ve guest posted for the Tiffanies ladies, and to much my dismay, it’s been some time since I’ve blogged at all since my boss has forbidden me from blogging on my own. As one might find incredibly ironic, working for the federal government, apparently results in the forfeiture of my rights. And here I naively thought my job was intended to protect the laws. That’s for another post.
So you’ll have to forgive me while I shake off some rust.
A lot has changed since my last post. I ended things with my on-again-off-again girlfriend after she accused me of cheating (I wasn’t), went through my phone (twice) for evidence (didn’t find), and falsely accused me of assault (haven’t touched her). Things needed to end. I’ve started looking for new employment- did I mention that I’m basically without liberty? And, I decided to join match.com (this is the second time-the first time was short-lived as I started dating my, now ex, girlfriend shortly after signing up.
While I didn’t particularly take it very seriously the first time I tried it, I did have success getting dates-imagine that. So when I found myself excited to go home and walk around naked after ordering pho and watching old Clint Eastwood flicks for the third straight Friday night, I thought maybe I should do something a little more social.
While I have plenty of stories and lots to discuss about the world of online dating, Lucky has assured me that I can have more than one post- if ya’ll like them. So, I’m going to slow release some of the more hilarious ones, and instead tell you what I’ve found to be the biggest benefit to online dating: Eliminating things I think I might like in a woman, but ultimately find what is completely wrong for me.
The first example. The high five.
This seemingly mundane and friendly bonding gesture is a Pandora’s box of cerebral espionage. Ok, I’ll tell you.
Like most guys, part of what I’m looking for is a balance between a best friend and a sex vixen who also loves sandwiches. I don’t think I’m setting my standards too high, but apparently in a city where the average height of men is 5’6” and women outnumber men almost 3-2, finding a woman who wears heels and enjoys football (notice I didn’t even say watching- there’s all sorts of things for women around football- like drinking to oblivion) somehow makes me the picky one. All the men are shorter than you and there’s more of you than there are of me? Riddle me that.
So the first time I joined the online dating community I decided I wasn’t going to have any rules. I’ve since learned this was a terrible idea. But only after this little gem.
Lindsey, name changed to allow some other poor sap to encounter her and have what will most certainly be hilarity, and I went out for drinks and had a great time. We were flirting and laughing and getting drunk. For a 25 year old guy who hadn’t gotten laid in 5 months, this was about as awesome as an open bar at a wet t-shirt contest. I was enjoying it. So I asked Lindsey out again. We went out again and had another solid date. I remember she wore these blue suede stilettos and a low v-neck top. If you have to ask why I remember that, go fuck yourself.
Then had another and I really thought things were going well. She was cool and easy to talk to. She liked football, big dogs, and fast cars. She sent me emails of Rick Reilly articles (he’s a brilliant sports columnist who’s worked for Sports Illustrated and ESPN). She even suggested we go out and get tickets to a monster truck rally. I was into it.
Unbeknownst to both of us, we joined the same kickball league the next week and ran into each other- drunk- at the bar after the games. Even fucking better. Now I had someone to look forward to getting drunk with on Wednesdays. That night we got really drunk, ended up dancing until after midnight and she came back to my place for relations.
Mid relation- she says she’s nearing the crescendo of the opera- if you catch my drift. Then does something I’ve never experienced before. She throws her hair back- I know I was drunk but I’ll never forget this- and says “Great job, High five”. And puts her hand up and hits mine.
What the fuck.
If any of you have ever seen the first season of Californication, this was my Fucking and Punching moment. The lead character, Hank- played by David Duchovny, unbeknownst to him beds the 17 year old daughter of his soul mates new boyfriend. Hank gets picked up at a book store by Mia, (Madeline Zima) admiring the release of his new book and the camera cuts to their relations. Just before climax, with Mia on top, she hauls off and punches Hank in the face.
Who wants to be punched while enjoying a nice relation? Who wants to high five after doing what men and women have been doing for literally centuries as if it were some sort of reward or motivation? Not this guy. If we’re going to be throwing around high fives everywhere for everything, I’d like to throw out a high five after a good face to crotch relation. How would that make you feel ladies? You just finish oral relations and he goes to give you the exact same gesture he gave his fraternity brother for peeing the bed five nights in a row, or for not puking on his date after an open bar NYE party.
SO where do you draw the line? I’ll tell you where I’ve drawn it. No high fives for girls I’m interested in. Better just to alleviate the situation all together.
Of course, this did lead to a slightly awkward interaction with Lindsey.
Lindsey: That was great. Want to go shotgun a beer?
Shyguy: I don’t think we’re looking for the same things. I think you’re a lot of fun and great to be around, but I don’t really see this progressing past being friends with benefits, and that’s not really what I’m looking for. I’m sorry.
Lindsey: Yea, I think you’re right.
Lindsey: So you want to go shotgun a beer?