Profiles.

ShyGuy is back! And we just love it! Start sprucing up your online profiles, ladies…

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As I admitted in my last post, I recently joined match.com. I still think it’s a weird thing to say, as I’m not quite sure the ‘desperate’ stigma has been totally shaken from online dating. I will be the first to tell you, I’m not desperate. I just needed a change of pace. I wasn’t meeting women who were interesting, interested in a relationship, or interested in a relationship with me and this seemed like a tool that could help. Emphasis on could.

I’ve grown increasingly tired, prior to joining, of meeting women in bars. There’s no way to really know if the conversation or connection you feel is a result of the actual connection you share, the alcohol in your system, or elation that after four previous attempts to talk to the attractive women at the bar you finally found one that hasn’t thrown a drink in your face.

I’ve also grown tired of being my friends’ pity fucking set-ups. It was as if my friends either set me up with a friend to say they’ve done their due diligence , or their friend had just gotten out of something and my friends are trying to get her- or me for that matter-  ‘back out there’. In both cases the broad has been unattractive, totally nuts, or just unavailable. While I appreciate their intention and have seen their approach work with other friends, I was ready to take matters into my own hands. James Bond style.

So far, I’ve been on nine first dates. Most of these have been nothing more than drinks at a local watering hole. I cannot say I’ve been terribly lucky or productive thus far. Mostly because deciphering these women’s profiles is just about as impossible as deciphering what a woman really want in person.

According to match.com profiles, every single woman meets the following criteria: They like to travel, they’re laid back and low maintenance, can hang out with the guys, watch sports, throw on a dress or a pair of jeans, never thought they’d be online dating, they like to go out but they also like to stay in and they all have a picture with at least one other girl. Yea, fucking right. If every woman really were like this, there would be no need for online dating.

You like to travel? Wow, pretty sure that every young person ever has wanted to explore the world. Even the fucking Amish people get to go explore the world for a year before going back to build excellent rocking chairs.

You’re laid back and low maintenance? How is it possible that every woman on Match describes themselves as low maintenance. I will not go so far as to say that all women are high maintenance, but I will say that all women are varying degrees of high maintenance. You want to know what makes you low maintenance? Being a lazy dude.

And I’m glad to hear you can hang out with guys! That means we can, in fact, hang out. You know, me being a guy and all.

Sports are great, but do you really like them, or do you like them because we like them?

You like to wear dresses and jeans? Who’d have thought its no longer acceptable to leave the house without wearing clothing. This explains why I get a lot of police attention. Here I always thought it was because I’m a middle class white guy.

Never thought you’d be online dating? You didn’t actually think you’d meet someone in person did you? That’s so two thousand and late.

You like to go out but also like to stay in? Well me too. I like to leave my house from time to time, but I’m not particularly fond of sleeping in the gutter, so I usually do go home.  We have so much in common!

Which one of these five broads in this picture are you? You do remember that we’ve never met before right?

I mean come on ladies. I know the point of these profiles is to make yourselves both attractive to as many men as possible and display some sense of individuality, but come on. It’s as if women got together and thought to themselves, ‘who should we ask for advice about men? I know. Let’s ask other single, desperate, marginally crazy women what is attractive to guys! I’m sure they’ll have some great insight.’ Really? You pick the one friend who all of you women have who are crazy enough to pull a Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes. To jog your memory- she set fire to football star Andre Rison’s sneakers and it somehow (who’d have thought) burned his whole house down. I think literally any man, of any age, preference, or location would give better advice about men than these kinds of women. But for whatever reason, you women just keep going back to that well and pulling up garbage. Literally any living man would have been a better option. Your asexual brother? yup.  Your crazy gay uncle? definitely. The homeless man at Dunkin Doughnuts? Hell yes- but buy the man a coffee first.

So you want some real advice about how to put your profile together. Be Real. Tell us exactly who you are. If you love to dance in your underwear to 80’s hair bands when it rains- that’s an interest. If you love to cook fabulous meals for your friends in 4 inch heels- that’s a hobby. If you love wearing white to play touch football in the rain- that’s an activity. But we can’t know these things unless you tell us.

The same goes for what you’re looking for. If you want a guy who’s tall, dark, and handsome- move to a city where the average height of men is over 5’6”. If you want a guy who knows how to treat a woman, say you want a guy who’s close to his mother. If you want a guy who’s an alpha male, search for men near prisons. If you want a nice boy, be a fucking nice girl.

And for God’s sake. Post recent and accurate pictures. I’ve actually met with two women who looked nothing like their pictures. In both cases, it was because they’d both put on weight. Hey, I get it. You’re self-conscious, but ultimately you’re just wasting your time. There are good guys who love larger women. You’re wasting your time pursuing guys who like fruits and veggies when you need guys who like steak and potatoes. That’s a metaphor.

I walked into a local dive bar to meet a woman. I was early so I wasn’t expecting to see her right away. I literally walked past her three times before she stopped me and said, “Are you Shyguy? I’m Nicole.” She had different color hair, a huge nose ring, a tattooed sleeve, and a few extra around the midsection. Totally different look than her profile portrayed. I stuck it out for a drink, because I felt that was the polite thing to do, thanked her for meeting me, paid for my beer, and walked home. And all I kept thinking was did she think I wouldn’t find out?

I know it’s online dating, but isn’t the point still to meet in person? A novel idea, right? I can see how someone could argue common interests and some degree of chemistry through interactions via a computer screen, but, I’m just curious here, after the third online date, how do you make your move without violating your monitor?

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