Aren’t you lovelies just LURVING ShyGuy’s story time? I know I am! Today’s story is so ridiculous (not like Phaedra’s RiDICKulous) that it’s a 2-parter, and you really don’t want to miss it!
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IN my first post, I referenced ending my relationship with my on-again-off-again jealous ex girlfriend, ChaCha. I call her that because of her love of tequila, taquitos, and annoyingly asking questions like the day laborers at the Home Depot. “You need help carry? You need install? You need good work?”
ChaCha has a friend who’s boyfriend I have a mancrush on. He’s the alpha male of drinking buddies. AMDB’s birthday is in late July and he had planned a beach weekend on the eastern shore of Maryland. I know, I hesitated too. But ChaCha and I agreed to go months prior, and despite what ChaCha would tell you, I was really excited to go with them. So excited, in fact, that I was actually delayed breaking up with her because I really wanted to go to this weekend extravaganza. But my conscious got the best of me and I couldn’t make it to that weekend before breaking up with her. I broke up with her around her birthday- an unfortunate coincidence- but one that needed to happen.
Side story- I bought my condo two years ago when we had just started dating seriously. As a housewarming present ChaCha got me a skimpy housewarming present. I know she got me this because we got in a fight not long after I moved in, so she took- whatever housewarming lingerie she’d bought- back to the lingerie shop and got a refund- which she then spent on a vibrator. So before breaking up with her, I had actually bought her a really nice gift, but instead of stooping to her level and returning it for something only I’d want to use, I simply returned it and got her something smaller- a Starbucks gift card for an enabling amount of espresso and ice coffees.
Anyway, the way ChaCha and I broke up wasn’t particularly hostile (at that point). In fact for the few weeks after the actual break up, we were fairly civil as we both stupidly and naively thought we- of all couples of all time- could make it work as friends immediately post break-up. Stupid. So we agreed to use AMDB’s birthday as a ‘last hurrah’. Which I basically assumed meant I’d have all the ‘benefits’ of having a girlfriend on a vacation, without necessarily any of the responsibilities.
So I did, what many confrontation avoiding-fun loving guys would do in this situation. I drank a lot and acted inappropriately. Friday night we started drinking at 5pm. AMDB taught me this game similar to beer pong, except there’s only one cup per person. Then I taught AMDB a game called Shut Up and Drink Your Beer. Which was basically just an excuse for us to yell at each other in a bromantic way and get each other hammered. There was a lot of hugs.
Around 11pm, six hours of drinking later, we decide to go to this bar/club called Sea-crets. Yes that’s how its spelled. It was the first time I’d ever been to a bar with metal detectors. I was initially sketched out until I was told this place had a dance floor- IN THE OCEAN!! Sober, that sounds like a fun idea that I’d need to check for hepititus first, but drunk I picture MTV Spring break- uncensored. SOLD, here’s my cover. We walk in and ChaCha, AMDB, AMDB’s girlfriend and I find ourselves alone at the bar, and a shot of tequila happened. A few more shots are had- all tequila for me- before the group decides to leave and we get back on the bus to take us back to the place we’re staying. It’s full of idiot drunks just like us. The girls sit and the guys stand facing them. Then it hits me. Déjà vu up the yin-yang.
I’d had a dream a few weeks prior of this very situation. Everything that I noticed was exactly the same as what was happening in real life. But in my dream, I thought it would be hilarious to look at AMDB’s GF, wip out my scrotum from my pants and say with a straight face, ‘AMDB’s GF, I’m NUTS about you,’ while I get her to gander at my exposed testicles…
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Will he do it?? Read part II tomorrow loves!