Oh, hey it’s a Bachelorette recap!

Yeah, we made it back from Vegas. That’s about it. Sorry I didn’t write Wednesday, buuuut I was too busy sitting on my couch watching daytime television.

I had every intention of live Tweeting and bashing The Bachelorette, buuuut we were in Vegas and I wasn’t going to waste precious drinking and partying time to laugh at the oh-so-perfectly-annoying Bachelorette Emily Maynard!!

However, I’ve watched the episode now, I’m ready to burst with shit-talk, and I PROMISE, I will be live tweeting the 2nd episode this Monday night, so join the party @cocktailsattiff

So, recap time!!

First of all, it makes me so sick at just how rich Emily is. Like… not only is her house huge, but all the furniture inside is perfect. Her daughter has a nicer bedroom than me for God’s sake! At first, I assumed she got money from the dead race car driver, but then I realized they were never married, sooo it can’t be that, can it? Whatever it is, I need to figure it out and get it.

First guy, Kaylan? Kaleb? He openly says he’s got money, so although he looks like a total dweeb, I bet she’ll love him.

Next up, Ryan. Southern guy, football guy, works with kids, and pretty damn fine.

Then there’s Tony. Pretty ugly and pretty boring. Don’t see him lasting.

Next is Lorone. He’s black. Need I say more?

And David. He’s a singer and songwriter. Nope.

Then there’s Charlie. He says he’s normal. Read: CRAZY.

Jef. Has a 50’s cut. Don’t see it happening.

Arie is next. He’s a race car driver. You know why he got picked, obvi. He’s super hot, but you know this will just be tears.

Then, Emily shows up to meet the guys and of course, she looks perfect but pulls the Taylor Swift signature reaction: “OMG I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE I’M HERE!!”

Jesus.

But then, she drops a bomb I never expected when she says she doesn’t want to talk about the loss of her first fiance anymore. In a single instant, the ratings went down the shitter. Oops.

She meets Shaun first. He seems ok, but these introductions are always so short.

Doug is up next, and he is pretty cute, but he’s cross-eyed. Just sayin’.

Then there’s Joe. And he is literally jumping around screaming crazy. Until the guy that showed up with the glass slipper that is…well, until Randy shows up dressed as a grandma! What the hell? Then Travis shows up with a giant egg that he vows to take care of.

So she talks more to each guy, and then it’s time for the First Impression Rose…drumroll…the corsseyed guy.

And finally, the first rose ceremony. Roses went to Chris, Ryan, Kaylen, Arie, Charlie, Jef, Shaun, Joe, John/Joe?, Aaron, Alejandro, John, Candro, Michael, Stevie, Tony, and Travis.

Meh.

Of course, the little preview for this season looked cray cray with a sailing trip, a kid’s day, some backstabbing, crying, DOLLY PARTON, and Emily telling someone to get the FUCK out! Yowza!

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2 thoughts on “Oh, hey it’s a Bachelorette recap!

  1. Shyguy says:

    I will fully admit (and take my lumps) for watching the Bachelor. Watching women self destruct, create drama, and caddishly fawn over one- pretty lame guy is.hilarious. I cannot however get fully invested in the Bachelorette. Sure, these guys want to win and there will be drama no doubt, but really guys just aren’t as entertaining to watch compete.
    So who is this broad? Her late fiance was the son of NASCAR mogul Rick Hendricks (that explains the money, the house, and the blindingly white teeth that I think make her look like a horse). I’m not attracted to her, and I think all of these guys is being set up to inevitably fail to match the memory of a dead racecar driver.
    I will say I was entertained by the dude who brought the egg (I’ll love it like I’ll love you) and the drag queen on the set.
    Ok, so I guess you caught that I watched it anyway…

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