Population 5,000

Over the weekend, I joined my girlfriend Marcy in her hometown, population 5,000.

She warned me that there’s only a few bars, lots of fast food places, and that her parents’ home was also home to 7 cats. I was up for the challenge, I told her.

We drove the 2 hours there Friday after work, and it was about what I expected. I had met her mom and stepdad before, so we didn’t have to get to know each other really. Marcy’s mom is the tiniest thing you’ve ever seen, and her stepdad, well he’s husband no. 3 and Marcy is convinced he’s in the mob.

Friday night, we ordered pizza from a pretty yummy local place, ate it, watched some TV, played with the cats, and then got dressed to “hit the town.” We kicked things off at this super small pool hall that was pretty ghetto, but whatevs. After one drink there, we skipped off to yet another pool hall, but it was bigger and pretty crowded.

I found us an open spot at the bar and this guy next to me, had to be at least 75, offered to buy our first round. I commented on his baseball hat, which was that of my hometown’s nearest college. Turns out Ed, the gentleman, had 2 degrees from that college. He gave me a fist bump, to reveal a pretty stunning pinky ring with a crest on it.

“Is that your fraternity?” i asked.

He said it was his family crest, and that he sealed letters with wax and then stamped the ring into the wax. And then I’m assuming he carefully placed the latter in his horses mouth, promptly smacked it on its ass and told it to deliver the fucking thing before sunset.

Ed, I’ve decided, is straight ILLIN’.

And so, Ed became a major focus of the weekend. Anything we did, we wondered…is this what Ed would do?

Not 10 minutes after meeting Ed, these two guys approached us, offering to buy us a drink… mine was still full. One of them was from Montana. The other, Texas. They were in town for some type of cell phone sales training.

They were fun, nice, and wanted to follow us to our final destination, a bar down the road…

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