Remember that time I messed around with my friend, J without really meaning to? Well last Friday night was a repeat, only worse.

Because that is just how it goes in my world.

We went out to eat, I had a few (or 4) margaritas, and went back to my apartment to drink some more and Google Michael Chricton. Around 1:30 or so he decided to stay over and we got into bed.

We made out. No big deal.

We fell asleep. Next thing I know, we were back awake and kissing and moving faster, and before I realized it we were having sex.

After a few minutes I removed myself from this situation knowing full well that there wasn’t a condom involved, and I wasn’t on birth control.

Consider this: I haven’t had sex in 15 months. So I got off birth control 2 weeks ago. And I wind up having sex. OF COURSE.

So we go back to sleep and I wake up the next morning and make my first ever walk of shame to CVS to get Plan B.

They are out.

I go to the next CVS. They are out.

Finally, Walgreens comes to my rescue and $50 later, I’ve got what I need, although I feel dumb as hell for doing that.

Now, I feel weird.

What happened, happened and I’m not worried about that. What I am worried about is that I’m not worried, or really having any feelings.

Before I had this 15 month dry spell, I really felt like I was doing myself a favor. In the past, sleeping with a guy really amped up my feelings for him and neediness.

Now that I have slept with someone, and I don’t feel anything or give a shit about it, I’m wondering what’s wrong with me? Is it just that I don’t like this guy?Is it because I was drunk? Or am I turning into someone who doesn’t have feelings?

In relationships of the past, I mistook sex for intimacy. Now, I just dont know what to think…


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2 thoughts on “Oops.

  1. Matthew says:

    Lucky, you are not becoming someone without feeling and there definitely isn’t anything wrong with you.

    Until recently I had only had sex with women I was in serious relationships with (and/or had said “I love you” to). Sex was very much an action of intimacy for me. Because of this perception I had dry spells that lasted close to 5 years.

    Now, above I said “until recently”. That is because since my most recent break up things/life/whatever has been significantly different.

    There was a girl I was digging (even before my break up). She and I had expressed mutual interest and had gone out on some ‘dates’. After I finally moved into my new apartment, one night while watching a movie we began fooling around and it eventually lead to the bedroom.

    Before this I had never had a casual sexual encounter. No one-night-stands. This time around, yes there was interest but coming fresh out of a relationship I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I was attracted to her. I knew I liked her. I knew that everything inside me wanted to have sex.

    After that happened I still didn’t know what I wanted. We continued hanging out.

    Fast forwarding to present time, I don’t even know if we’re friends anymore. While on vacation I sent her a text saying we needed to get together when I got back. She agreed. Since returning she has not returned a text or communication. She has even dropped me on FB (yay for the social media age yet again).

    Does this bother me? A bit. I do miss her…as a friend. Was there anything else there for us? I wasn’t feeling it so much. Am I distraught over this “disappearance” since we have had sex? Not really. Does that make me cold and callous? I certainly hope not.

    Sometimes sex is just sex, and it’s taken me virtually 31 years to learn that. Do I endorse using people purely for sex? No. But if both parties want it to happen there there really can’t be any fault.

    Let me say it again. There is nothing wrong with you. Either you just aren’t that into him…or that dry spell was finally catching up to you.

  2. Thanks, Matthew! I think it’s a little bit of both…. -L

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