This isn’t the first time I’ve had to come clean with you guys. I’ve never understood it before—why can’t I just share the dumb shit that I do with a bunch of people I don’t know? But yesterday, I learned that it’s more about coming clean with myself. And in the last 6 weeks, I’ve been ashamed of a lie that I was living.
On September 12, around 10 pm, I sent a text message to a man I had cut out of my life months prior. David, as I’ll call him for the purpose of this post, is married with a 9 year old daughter. In our previous friendship, you may recall, I cut things off when he suggested cheating on his wife with me.
I cut him off because I’ve been cheated on, and it feels like shit. I cut him off because I know I deserve better than half a relationship. And for some reason, in a haze of Benedryl and tequila, I texted him.
“You awake?” I asked.
“Yea who is this?” he replied.
The ultimate slap in the face. I’d been digitally deleted. From there, the texts were few and far between. Sometimes 5 days would pass before we’d talk to each other. All of our texts were friendly, not romantic.
Until September 26.
I asked him if things at home were better, and then apologized for being nosy. He responded:
“No you’re no nosy at all! I have written this text 5 times and erased it 5 times. It’s difficult to express over text. But I guess the short answer is yes. Not much has changed but I have just kinda accepted that there are certain things that I just cannot change.”
When I saw him at the gym later that night, he expanded on it, saying once we quit talking they worked to make things a little better, but he just used other things in his life to make up for his lacking marriage.
By September 28, some unexpected feelings were brewing for me. I explained to him that what happened between us prior wasn’t because I didn’t like him—it was because I didn’t want him to cheat.
On October 1, we texted constantly. All day. Until I was browsing on Facebook and saw a post from his wife:
“Here’s to 7 great years with my husband, David, and many more to come! I love you!”
I went to the gym and told Marcy that I didn’t think things at home were as bad for him as he made them out to be. I left without saying a word to him, or texting him for a few days. But of course, days later, we talked again and my feelings for him were stronger than ever. A few days later, he flew across the country for a fighting tournament.
I called him for the first time and we talked for hours. That weekend, we talked on the phone constantly.
In the days after his return, our tone changed. He opened up more about his problems at home and wanted to spend time with me. I hadn’t text him to get involved in it all—but it just happened, and I wasn’t on track for it to end.
On October 11, we had a talk.
ME: Do you ever think about how poorly this situation is going to end.
DAVID: Yes. A lot.
ME: Me too.
DAVID: There’s something you told me awhile back that haunts me.
DAVID: How dare I feel that you only deserve part of a relationship. The truth is that you do deserve more than a part. And I know that is it not fair to you. My mind tells me this can’t happen, but when I talk to you or see you you, all of that gets tossed to the side.
ME: Just don’t kiss me. Then I’ll be hooked and it’ll be downhill from there and then I’ll have someone waiting at my door at midnight wanting to kill me.
Two days later, we shared our first kiss. Aside from my very first kiss, and the kiss with my hot neighbor, it was the best kiss of my life. It was like our mouths were meant to fit together and there was passion…
**To be continued…**