Well it’s Thursday morning at 10am, and I called in sick to work so I could lay in bed and wallow in a sea of kleenex for the day. Why? Because Nutter Butter dumped me last night. Out of the blue.
I’ll start from the beginning, since aside from how things started with us, I haven’t really elaborated on our relationship. Mostly because if he ever found out about the blog, I didn’t want our whole relationship on blast. But I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore.
Things in the beginning were good, I mean really good. The only effort I had to put into the relationship was picking up the phone, because he was that on it with calling me and texting me and giving me the attention no other guy ever had. Not to mention I could trust him. I never felt like when he went out to a bar without me he was going to cheat on me, or get a girls number, or even flirt with a girl, because he was that into me. I just knew he wouldn’t do it. One night only a few weeks after we had been dating when him, Betty, Gigi and their boyfriends were visiting, NB and Betty were outside of a bar and NB told Betty he loved me and was going to “marry that girl”. Of course, this made me happy, but since he didn’t say it to me and he was drunk I didn’t start planning the wedding just yet.
Things progressed and back in October I told Betty that I loved him, but I didn’t want to say it yet because we had only been dating a little over a month and I didn’t want to freak him out and I wouldn’t have known what to do with myself if he didn’t say it back. At that point, I thought he might have loved me but I wasn’t sure.
November came and things slowed down, the relationship wasn’t new anymore so we didn’t talk as much since we knew each other pretty well and had spent a decent amount of time together, but things were still good. We didn’t fight, we always had fun when we were together, and I genuinely missed him when he wasn’t around.
December was the same, but at that point it was in the back of my mind that we had been dating over 3 months and the l-bomb hadn’t been dropped. I was upset, but brushed it off to the fact that we were taking things slow and that was something I wasn’t used to.
Around Christmas when I drove 8 hours through the night alone to go to his family’s cabin, I thought that would be it, how could he not say it after I gave up half of my Christmas to come see him, if he wasn’t sure if I felt that way about him me driving all that way should have been a sign. Then he gave me a beautiful pair of ruby studded earrings for Christmas, but still nothing in the form of how he felt. The week at the cabin with his family passed, and I came home on January 1st. Sad that I had to sleep alone, and sad that weekend when he told me he had to stay in his city to help his sister cope with her breakup.
That Friday night when I was out with my friends I tried calling him, because I missed him and just wanted to talk to my boyfriend. He was on his way to work, but said he’d call me when he got off. He texted to see if I was still out, but I was headed home and asked if he wanted to skype. He said he had to deal with his sister, because she was really upset that her boyfriend was getting back together with his ex. I said okay, and went to bed. When Saturday at 3pm rolled around and I hadn’t heard from him, I got upset. Something didn’t feel right. I sent him a cold text asking a question and when I received his response I just said “K”. 4 hours later when I hadn’t heard anything else from him, I texted him asking if everything was okay. He said yes and asked what was wrong, I said nothing I just hadn’t heard much from him and wanted to check. He sent a few texts about how his sister was upset and we texted about some normal things. I told him I was frustrated that we hadn’t talked in a few days and he said he was sorry we would talk soon. I asked if he could call me before he went to bed, he said yes. At 2am when I still hadn’t heard from him I got really upset and called him, nearly in tears, I said “What’s going on? I feel like you’re avoiding talking to me.” He was apologetic and surprised that I thought that, he was finishing up a movie with his sister and cousins and said he’d call me back in 10. When he called back I apologized for freaking out, but told him something felt weird. He assured me that nothing was going on and his sister was just having a really hard time and he was trying to be there for her. We talked about normal things for a few minutes and before we hung up he told me he missed me.
Sunday he texted me all day and things seemed normal, he never called me that night, but I felt better about the situation after our talk the night before so I didn’t think much of it. Monday night my texts to him were kind of short, because I wanted him to call. Eventually he did, he didn’t seem to be in a great mood when we talked but we talked about normal things. Since I had been such a brat all week, I just called him Tuesday, anxious for things to get back to normal. We talked for 20 minutes or so and he just seemed down, but he had been complaining about work a lot so I just figured that was why.
When 8:30 Wednesday night rolled around and I hadn’t received so much as a text from him (he works from 11pm-7am so typically he texts me when he wakes up in the afternoon/evening) I started to get worried. I called him and got no answer, so I shot him a random text and he called me back a few minutes later. He seemed really down again, but we talked about normal stuff for a while. I told him he seemed like he was down and asked if everything was okay. He said he was down and a lot of stuff was bothering him. I said like what, and that’s when it came..
I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately. We don’t ever really talk about our relationship or how we feel, and I don’t know how you feel about it.
At this point my heart was already in my throat because I knew what was coming, “Well I really like you a lot and I have been really happy being with you the past 5 months.”
Then he said he didn’t feel a spark between us, he said that he really cared about me and loved hanging out with me and doesn’t regret any of the time we spent together, but he doesn’t love me like he thinks he should at this point in the relationship.
… Like a bullet through the heart.
I tried my hardest to understand. How could I be on one page and in love with him while he was somewhere completely different? He didn’t have many answers for me either aside from he couldn’t change how he felt. He told me that at this point in his life he was looking to settle down and just didn’t see himself with me 15, 20 years down the road, so he didn’t want to lead me on or waste anymore of my time.
I asked him if he met someone else, he said no and that he wasn’t looking to either. I asked him if I had told him how I felt about him earlier in the relationship if that would have changed anything, he said maybe, but he didn’t know. I told him I felt like I had held back, and I was sorry for that, I didn’t want to freak him out, get hurt, or mess things up – but I did anyway. He said it wasn’t my fault, I said it’s no one’s fault, it’s just me.
We went round and round for a while, me saying the same things over and over trying to make sense of it all and him not saying much, aside from that he’s sorry he can’t change how he feels. I told him I guessed he had said everything he needed to say then, he said yes and we said our goodbyes.