It’s nothing new that I cannot stand the janitor lady that works in our office. I’ll call her Jennifer Lopez because it starts with the same letters as “Janitor Lady,” and because she has a big ass. No seriously, it is the biggest ass I’ve ever seen.
Everyone in the office is always SO excited to see her and they are all, “HEY JENNIFER, GOOD MORNING JENNIFER,” blah blah blah.
But I’d noticed that whenever I do say hello, or good morning, she comes back with something snippy. One day, when she was emptying my trash, I asked her how she was.
“I’m tired,” she said.
“Me too,” I replied.
“Well at least you get to sit down all day,” she said.
Umm ok, thanks, bitch.
That was two years ago and to this day, I don’t say anything when she comes into my office.
Yeah, I get it, her job sucks. But you don’t have to take it out on me.
Last year, I wore a dress and some boots to work one day. Jennifer Lopez was quick to tell me my legs looked “thick.”
About two Fridays ago, someone in our office brought a box of donuts for breakfast. I am still sticking to my plan of eating clean, but I’d been to the gym 3 times that week and figured a little sugar and bread would be an okay treat.
I was standing in the break room, pouring some coffee and nibbling on a donut, when in walks J-Lo.
“Look at you, eating that big ole donut. You going to eat that?” she asked me.
My blood started to boil.
“Yes I am,” I said.
“I guess you can,” she said.
“Excuse me? You guess?” I said. “I can eat whatever I please.”
“I guess so, you’re small enough,” she said. “But you know your weight fluctuates.”
I didn’t say a fucking word and I breezed by her with my donut in tow. Bitch.
She’s trying to call me out for eating one lowsy donut when A. I can and will do whatever I want, B. I am skinny, and C. Shut the fuck up.
This is the same woman that is so big, she is facing diabetes medication if she doesn’t slim down, and yet I still she her eating McDonald’s all the damn time. So fuck off.
I am over any attempt at being nice, I don’t care if I am huge, you do not speak to me like that.
The following week, I walked into the kitchen to grab my afternoon snack (an apple and a slice of low-fat cheese), when what do I see? Oh, Jennifer Lopez getting a bag of Fritos and a Sprite from the vending machine.
It took everything I had not to say, “Look at you eating that entire bag of greasy chips and that sugary Sprite! It oughta send you right into a diabetic coma, you fat bitch! Have a fantastic day!!”