Getting back to business.

The last time I met with Lopez, it was important to me that I talked to him about me.

Sure, technically everything we talk about is related to me, since he is my counselor. But really, I’m scared of losing myself in my relationship with D. It’s really important to me to remain true to my friends, my job, and mostly, my hobbies and things I like to do without D around.

A few weekends ago, I realized that I wasn’t making the most of my Saturdays and Sundays, which would send me to work Monday in a bad mood. I couldn’t pinpoint what the problem was until I really thought it through.

On Saturdays and Sundays, D works all day, so it’s the perfect opportunity for me to have “me” time or meet up with my girlfriends, hit the gym, or whatever I please. But for some reason, I hadn’t been acting on that and instead was just sitting around being a sloth and watching tv.

So these last few weekends, I’ve made a little to-do list for myself, even if it’s just “go to Sephora” or something fun and easy like that. When I actually do the things on my list, I feel productive and it feels like I made good use of my time.

Does it sound ridiculous? It’s a little weird to me that I have to make a list or whatever, but after talking to my counselor, I’m starting to see the reasons why.

For starters, most of my relationships have been abusive and particularly manipulative, so I have a habit of losing myself in relationships. When things ended with BEX, it was also the end of a bad string of guys, leaving me with no idea who I was, at all. If I felt sad about something, I would question that—should I feel sad?

Many hours of conversations have been spent with me asking Lopez, should I feel like this when this happens??? It’s been a tough ride.

Second of all, because my previous relationships have been so dysfunctional, I’ve never been in a relationship where things were just “okay” or just coasting or whatever. It’s always been some extreme high or an extreme low.

I cannot tell you the number of Saturdays I must have spent in bed crying, thinking BEX was mad at me, texting him apologizing for nothing, or seeing what he was doing and if we could meet up later.

Now, it’s not like that because there aren’t any questions. D is never mad at me, and he always comes over after his shift ends. So I’m left with hours to myself and not a clue with what to do! What do you all do on the weekends to unwind?

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