I don’t know if there’s one thing that stands out above the rest. When I was in second grade I pissed my pants at school, which was really embarrassing, but who cares now? I also barfed at school when I was young, but once again, who cares?
I feel like I’ve done some embarrassing stuff during sex (attempting to show a guy the finished product in my mouth only to have it fall out all over myself)<—too much?? (Editors Note: OMG!)
I farted once in front of D, it was silent, but DEADLY and he was pretty grossed out, but he was a bastard so now I don’t care…
Psh. I have done A LOT of embarrassing stuff. I could write a 50,000 word book on all the embarrassing stuff I’ve done. But I’ll just tell you one story that I haven’t ever confessed to anyone, enough time has passed now that I can be like eh whatever. COLLEGE.
My first college boyfriend and I had just broken up but decided to “stay friends” and his frat was having an 80s themed party the following weekend. My roommates and I got all decked out in our 80s garb, I was looking good which put me in the mood to drink. I don’t know how many beer bongs I took, probably a hundred. But it ended up being one of the drunkest nights of my life. I caused a fist fight because I was so drunk that when I saw one of my good guy friends my legs went running to hug him but the top half of me stayed in place, causing me to fall backwards flat on my back and sling my full beer all over the crowd behind me. I of course was oblivious to the fight that had started because everyone in the crowd were all blaming each other saying the others had thrown a beer on them.
There were these stupid slutty freshman there that I hated (I was a sophomore), that would always come to the frat and flirt with my boyfriend (while we were still dating). Of course that night they hung out in his room all night and he didn’t care about me and practically ignored me the whole night. Which caused me to do even more beer bongs. At some point in the night (early) I either laid down or was placed on the BRAND NEW couch (the pledges worked hard to buy the couch) that was still in a party area but not the most crowded party area. I laid there while various people came to keep me company and talk to me throughout the night because I was too drunk to walk. At some point I barfed down the side of the couch. A guy that I was good friends with had come to clean it off the couch, because it was new and people were freaking out about it. Throughout the course of the night my skirt worked its way up around my stomach, so I was just laying on the couch in fishnets with my underoos hanging out for all to see. As the guy was cleaning the couch he tried pulling the skirt down so no one could see my goods, which made me think he was trying to rape me or some shit and got him slapped in the face. A few minutes later the rest of my body let loose and I shit my fishnets. Uh yes, this is why you should not let your daughters go away to college. Thankfully everyone thought that was also puke and they cleaned it up while I laid in it.
Eventually my stupid exboyfriend came down to walk me home (it was around 4am). During our walk he put his face right next to the literal shit all over my skirt to smell it and said, “It looks like you sat in something, I can’t tell what it is.” I was all, “Hmm yeah I don’t know.” Then proceeded to make out with him with puke breath and invite him to my room to watch a movie, to which he declined. Being upset about my rejection, I went into my apartment where my roommates were all asleep, emptied out my shit filled underwear onto our bathroom rug (and left only the shit there), and took a shower.
When my roommates and I all woke up in the morning we found the shit on the bathroom rug which got blamed on my roommate’s boyfriend’s dog who was staying with us for the weekend. Another roommate also woke up to discover that her tv had been knocked off of her dresser and her room TPed. I don’t remember doing either of those things, but I can only assume that I was the guilty party. Shame.