Category Archives: 100 Guys

#8

#8

Description: 6’0″ medium build, dark hair, green eyes, olive skin, HOT!

Occupation: Inactive National Guard, Elementary School Art Teacher

Fun Fact: He does such dumb things that he makes fun of himself for. (I think he’s my soul mate.)

Did I give him my number?: Not yet, but it’s in the works, I tried to play it cool and not come off like a desperate baboon.

Full story to come later this week, because this guy, is actually a good one 🙂 WAHOOO!!! I hope everyone else is jumping for joy and doing their happy dance.  Because I am, really.  Like a tool.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Love is really nothing.

It seems like ole Giz and I are slacking in the 100 guys department, right? Well, I refuse to admit that we maaaayyy have bit off a little more than we can chew. I mean the 100 guys thing WILL happen, but we’ve got to get out of this little funk we’re in. So, for the record, I met two guys this weekend—meet #5 and #6:

#5

Age: 32

Description: tall, dark hair, very outgoing.

Fun fact: loves to drink dark liquors and kept pouring me Jager shots. A total “W” in my book—he passed out pretty early in the night. We’re talking before 9 p.m. early.

#6

Age: 21

Description: average height, light brown hair, very thin, has a girlfriend. Ugh.

Fun fact: he was drunk for our entire conversation and kept thanking me for not being rude. Awesome, dude!

Since Gizzy mentioned her horrible blind dates yesterday, it got me thinking about blind dates I’ve been on. Truth be told, I’ve only been on one blind date in my life and it was bad enough to turn me away from them FOREVER.

My roommate in college set me up with this guy…I honestly can’t remember his real name, so we’ll call him Letter-Jacket. My roommate, who was a total whorehouse, went to high school with Letter-Jacket and gave me his screen name so we could “chat”—I swear AOL messenger was cool my freshman year of college. His screenname was something to do with soccer and she gave me his senior picture which he was wearing, you guessed it, his letter jacket, kneeling over a soccer ball.

We did the usual and talked about stupid shit online and he said he wanted to take me to dinner. I said it would be okay, and he drove into town that weekend—he lived nearly two hours away from my school. On the day of the date, my roommate was out of town and I was completely dreading dinner. Since he had no clue what I looked like, I secretly wished I could just stand him up, go about with my normal evening activities, and be on my way.

But this was before I became a total bitch and figured my roommate would find out and be pissed at me (something I definitely shouldn’t have given a shit about). So I met him outside my dorm room and we got in his truck.

Red flag number 1. I hate it when a guy drives a truck. Call me stuck up, but I think it’s completely hilljack. Then, he turns on his car, to reveal that he’s listening to some Johnny Lang—a singer I told him I loved.

Red flad number 2. Be your own person. He didn’t like Johnny Lang, he was just being a faggot.

So we drive to this Mexican restaurant and he asks if I’m hungry. I tell him a little…and we sit down. As usual, I indulge in the free chips and salsa on the table. To which he says, “I thought you said you weren’t hungry?”

Excuse me? I absolutely hate it when a guy says something about a girl’s eating habits—whether big or small, keep your fucking mouth shut. I said nothing, and proceeded to order the biggest, cheesiest, fucking platter on the menu.

After that, he wanted to see a movie. Not just any movie, Love Actually. Where he tried to hold my hand. Hell to the No.

After the movie, he was obviously having an awesome time, so he wanted to go to the bars. I told him no, that I was done, and he took me home. I never talked to him, or saw him, again.

Sigh.

On the note of my dating failures, I wanted to share with you the abundance of online dating e-mails I’ve been getting. I know everyone gets them, but I feel like I get an overwhelming number. Let’s take a look:

Jazzed Online Singles: A dating site for real people and real connections.

The site wouldn’t let me go anywhere without signing up, and hell no am I doing that. Anyone a member here?? Admit it. I pray to sweet God that it’s a place for people who like jazz music.

Sexy Single Asians: Meet single Asians in your area.

Umm I don’t know much about Asians, as I’m not one (Dennis this is totally your area, right), but I know they aren’t considered furniture. Yep, this website directed me to a “furniture” listing of MORE dating sites—100% free dating site, Asian dating, Dating Asian women, Free dating site, Asian women look for men, Marry cute Asian women, Millionaire dating site, Asian dating site.

Match.com: Get the 6 month guarantee!

Hmmm yeah, from what I could see, it was a bunch of uglies. And anyone I’ve known who has signed up on Match hasn’t found love in 6 months.

Love Dating: Love plus affection just a click away

Okay, so we all want love and affection, right? Well what this sight fails to acknowledge (in the beginning) is that it’s a “Big and Beautiful” dating site. Another list of dating sites including Black women peronals, Speed dating, Singles photos and profiles, Sugar daddy online dating, Covergirl black beauty, and Big and beautiful singles.

Meet Fun Latino Singles: Meet Latino singles for friendship, dating, romance and more

And more? Ew.

50 Plus Online Dating: Date singles over 50 in your area

Well, I’m not fucking 50. But for this blog, of course, I browsed the old farts. And it made me feel disgusting. I took a long shower afterward, using bleach instead of soap.

Christian Singles Online: Single Christians, find your true love

For some reason, I don’t think this site is going to do me any good.

Russian Dating Site: Date a Russian beauty

I’m pretty sure this site, Anatasiadate.com, is a fucking mail-order-bride site. This seemed waaaay too much like something Fatso would be into, so I deleted all of my e-mails, threw up and slammed my computer shut.

I mean come on, I know I can get a little despie at times (ahem, The Has Been Matt McFaggot, my Disgusting trashy cheating bastard ex), but DAMN!

I’ve got the gasoline, now who’s bringing the karosine to this partay?

…Oh yeah, just to add a little fuel to this fire, me, ShyGuy, and Giz are patiently waiting on you to e-mail us your life questions! So do it!!!! cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Taylor Swift can go to hell.

I’m so sick of Taylor Swift pissing me off. I swear she does it like every day (yes, I party everyday….OoOo crank dat soldier boy!).

You see, I used to like Taylor Swift a little bit. I don’t listen to much country music, but she had a few songs I liked. Then, I was dating my disgusting trashy cheating bastard ex, who liked Taylor Swift. I remember this conversation going down one night after the bars:

“Is it gay that I like Taylor Swift?” he asked. “She sings my soul.”

“You’re a faggot,” I said.

Ever since we broke up, I can’t stand to hear Taylor Swift. It also gets on my nerves when she acts like every time she performs, she just CANNOT believe how many fans she has. Like, you’re not an idiot, you make a sweet living off millions of fans, so quit acting like you don’t know it. And also, get over the Kanye thing. It happened a year ago. So stop writing songs about it and walking around barefoot when you sing them, K?

So I’m in the grocery yesterday, trying to be sally homemaker, when I see this:

That’s right, Taylor Swift makes greeting cards, using her lyrics to wish you sympathy over your cat’s death, job loss, or hell, a happy fucking birthday.

So yeah, Taylor Swift can go to hell.

As for the 100 guys project, I was more concentrated on getting sloppy drunk this weekend, so I only have one to report.

#4

Age: 29

Description: Average height, short dark hair sort of like the guy from King of Queens, a little chubby, dressed as Top Gun, wearing aviators.

Fun fact: sang a really good karaoke version of Regulators. It was kinda hot.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Guys #1, #2, #3 – Day 1

Well I had to work last night, so I’m guessing Lucky had better luck than I did on the whole meet 100 guys challenge.  I knocked 3 out today with The Captain present.  Honestly though, I should probably just use these 3 as practice because they really pooped on the party, what I’m trying to say is they were no Kelsey Grammer.

——————

#1

Age: 26

Description: Slightly overweight, balding, pale, and weird (basically everything I hate in life, See: Devil) but, liked me enough to ask me awkward questions for 2 hours and keep me company while The Captain and Captain’s Crystal were at each other’s throats whilst we promoted The Product. Literally, this convo happened:

Captains Crystal: CAPTAIN, I FUCKING HATE YOU WHEN YOU’RE IN CHARACTER.

I snicker to myself: In character! heheheheeee

The Captain: Ok! Ok! It’s cool, I’m cool you’re cool, Gizzy’s cool, we’re all good here.

Me: In character! AHHHHHHHHHHAAHAHAHAHA

Captain’s Crystal: YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING PISSING. ME. OFF. GO SELL SOME BOTTLES!!!!!!!!

So I moved over to the wine isle and snapped all the little Torres Wine action figures off the bottles and made them have a rodeo around the Four Loko.


Anyway, back to #1…

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Liquor Store Clerk (He only gets a 10% discount, not enough for me to go on a pity date to get some discounted booze)

Fun Fact: Secretly gets drunk in the bathroom while he’s at work. (Maybe we are soul mates?)

Did I give him my number: No … Was this a mistake? Maybe, I mean, the booze.. NO NO IT WAS NOT, DEVIL.

——————-

#2

Age: 22

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

Description: Medium height, medium build, dark hair, cute

Occupation: Student, The Captain’s Assistant (We work together as of tonight)

Fun Fact: He thinks everything is lame and doesn’t get excited easily

Did I give him my number? Yes, for work.  Obvi

——————-

#3

Age: 34

Description: Short, cute, tan, dark hair, aggressive, drunk

Relationship Status: Married Separated (Still means married to me)

Occupation: Works for Budweiser

Fun Fact: Thinks I look “Absolutely Fabulous.” (<— might be gay? Reason for the separation?)

Did I give him my number?: FUUUUCK NO but maybe I should have because, the booze. This is going to be my weak point in this project, if a guy offers me anything for free I’m going to snap off my tear-away underwear and lay down like a real jew in the starfish position.

—–

Sorry I don’t have better stories to report. But, the good ones will come when I am drunk, trust me.  And when I say “good” I mean good for you because anything for me when I am drunk is an absolute train wreck waiting to happen.  It usually occurs when I pronounce I am drunk and push myself  to take that 1 last shot.  At that point it’s like I’m running around with my eyes closed licking whatever I run into.

Anyway, we had 3 hours between events this evening and when The Captain asked me to hang out for that little Captain Break, if you will, I told him I had plans.  He was pretty taken aback, I mean I know it’s no surprise that Lucky is my only friend but I had a hot date planned, with myself.

First, I drove to the nearest blockbuster I could find, rented myself the girliest movie I could find (When In Rome ahh Josh Duhamel, my love) no big deal, then I went to a steakhouse ordered myself a steak, salad, baked potato, and rolls, to go, got in my car went to the grocery bought plastic forks and knives, A1 for the steak, and a bottle of water, still no big deal.  I parked in a parking lot and watched my movie on the portable dvd player I had packed ahead of time and ate myself a steak dinner. No big deal!  If I would have thought to bring a candle and some wine I would’ve had sex with myself in the backseat. I am so good at dates.  Not to mention I was still dressed in full Morganette attire-red lace up corset, fishnets, short black skirt, knee high boots, the usual. Yep, role play. No big deal. With a show of hands how many people feel sorry for me because I’m a loser?

Anybody? It’s cool, it was nbd.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,