Category Archives: Dating blows donkey

The Welcome Back Party

Herrooo old friends!!! I’m going to be totally honest and tell you that I have no good excuse for going AWOL for a hot minute. Lucky and I have been talking for a few months about resurrecting the blog because we’re both kind of in the same place in our lives and we’ve got some things planned in the next few months that will probably be semi-entertaining to read about, so we thought better now than never! I just know I really haven’t been up to much the last couple of years and my life would have been SO boring to read about, unless you’d love to read about me trotting around the country drinking with my friends or recaps of Teen Mom and The Bachelor, in which case – I’m your girl!

After the whole Nutter Butter breakup and my failed attempt at dating a super-hot guy fresh out of college 2 years ago, I decided that I was tired of guys treating me like I was disposable and dating needed to be my last priority, so I stopped dating. It wasn’t long before it became really apparent to me that when you’re in your late 20s and you stop dating, that also means you stop having sex (side note: that doesn’t mean I didn’t TRY to have sex. I did try, with a really hot guy in the Navy that I met while I was out celebrating my 29th birthday. It is surprisingly hard to get a guy to just hook up with you and promise to never call you again.) When I came up with this plan I was about to turn 28 and hadn’t been without a guy since I was 14. I was serial dating all the wrong guys, knowing they were the wrong guys, but continuing to date them because I didn’t know how to be alone. And, what girl in her 20s doesn’t think she can rid a guy of all his bad habits? The stuff that I let those douchers get away with doing to me is so shameful, and I finally realized that if I didn’t take the time I needed to figure out who I was without a boyfriend, I would continue to date these awful guys and would probably end up married to and then divorced from one of them. If this is the part where you expect me to tell you that I finally met Prince Charming (See: Neal Bledsoe), then look away now, because that didn’t happen. I’m still single, but more stable and [I would hope] able to make better decisions. And when I say “better decisions,” I mean in the long run, I’m totally not opposed to bad decisions that are short term/one night stands with hot guys because… 2 years.

Also, this isn’t a post about self-discovery. I mean, come on, look who you’re talking to here: I’m still totally inappropriate and get way too drunk with my friends, albeit a lot less frequently now that we’re maturing. I’m still not really sure what I want to do with my life, but I finally realized that I’m not going to figure it out by dating assholes that cheat on me and have the audacity to manipulate me into thinking I deserved it. LOLZ – the fact that those things ever happened is so stupid, but it makes me pretty happy to know it’s all documented on this blog.

The whole “I’m not dating at all” concept is perplexing to basically everyone I tell. All my friends and family have tried to set me up so many times, like SO many times, these last 2 years and would then get super offended when I turned down the offer because they don’t understand why I would choose to be alone while I’m in my prime baby making years. Uh, maybe because guys are man whores and I don’t feel like being emotionally drained and worrying about STDs all the time? I don’t know! I’ve ruined a few friendships with guy friends who thought this stint of singledom would be the best time to finally ask me out. I know telling someone not to take it personal is almost always bullshit, and it is still total bullshit in my case because of course if the perfect guy came along (See: Neal Bledsoe above) I wouldn’t have turned him down, but I wasn’t about to waste my time or theirs when I already knew I wouldn’t be that into it. I’m pretty sure my family thinks I’m a lesbian (as long as Neal is still out there that’ll never happen) since I’m not married and don’t have a bunch of babies, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re from a small town. My Grandma sat me down for a serious conversation a few months ago about getting artificially inseminated so I could have a family, there’s a cute guy at her church she thinks would do it – and by do it she meant jizz in a cup, not actually fuck me. My guy friends that are married have been pushing me to stay single for as long as possible and live the good life, because once you get married it’s a long road of misery, or at least that’s what they tell me. I overheard my Stepdad telling some other family members that it (my love life) will all be okay because I’ll be able to start catching guys on the next round. What’s the next round? Oh it’s just all the guys that got married and popped out a bunch of babies when they were 22 who are now 30 and getting divorced. Exactly what I want, a divorcee with a bunch of babies. Real talk, it’s kind of fun watching everyone squirm because they can’t figure me out. But, I’m almost ready to start dating again, like seeing one more Nicholas Sparks movie alone and then I’ll date anyone with a pulse almost ready.

P.s. As of today, Neal Bledsoe still has not approved my facebook friend request, but I’m okay with it. A few months ago, after 4 ½ years of persistence, he finally acknowledged my existence on twitter. Small victories.

P.p.s. We just got Instagram: Instagram.com/cocktailsattiffanys

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OK Cupid update.

So, I’ve met up with two people from OK Cupid so far. Which I feel like is a pretty good record.

The first person I met up with was “Beard Guy,” and we went to a karaoke competition, which was really fun. I met him around 9:30 on a Wednesday night, and stayed drinking/talking/watching until 1:30 am. Yeah, I was really exhausted the next day, but it was a lot of fun.

That same Thursday, I met up for coffee with “Outdoorsy Guy.” I wasn’t sure what to expect, because he asked me for coffee right away, so I didn’t know much about him, and he had a whopping ONE picture online that was kind of far away.

Turns out he’s from Iran, and he was in the states on a visa, because he was getting his PHD in petroleum engineering. He had recently learned English, so I had a little trouble understanding him, but at first our conversation was fairly decent. Then, he started asking me about the things I like to write on… I told him love, dating, relationships… and he looked up my blog (not this one) and column… and said…

“Don’t you want to write about something more serious?”

Like, what, petroleum engineering?

I was pretty much done with the conversation at that point, but I finished my coffee and politely said I had to get back to work.

He asked for my number, and this is where things get awkward. I didn’t have any interest in seeing him again, but what was I supposed to say? No, I don’t want you to have my number?

So I gave it to him, and of course he called me right then, so I would have his.

He texted me the following day, and when I didn’t reply, he sent me a shitty text about how rude I was. Then, a few days later, he was reading my blog, and sent me a text regarding it — umm okay, so you thought my blog was silly, yet you’re reading it, and you BLOCKED me on Ok Cupid, yet still texting me.

#ByeFelicia

I met up with the beard guy for a second date — dinner and a movie.

It was fun, but I just wasn’t feeling a spark. I decided that ultimately, I just cannot seriously date someone who works in the service industry. And I don’t say that to be judgy — I’ve worked nearly 10 years in the service industry. But the schedule, and the lifestyle, just doesn’t mesh with mine.

I think he was feeling the same vibe, and we talked about it and decided to remain friends.

Since then, I’ve started talking to a few other guys, that I’m hoping to meet. So far, I still think this is a good experience — I’m learning a ton about what I want in a relationship!

I haven’t forgotten about The Bachelorette!

I know I pretty much dropped the ball when it comes to Tweeting or even commenting on The Bachelorette… but I’ve still been watching it. Seriously, no matter how much that show pisses me off, I still get sucked in to watching it every single season!

Tonight is the hometown visits, and I feel like THIS is when things really start getting good — we really get to see who these guys are. I don’t know about you, but I’m rooting for Josh; he’s fine as hell, and he seems genuine. Nick on the other hand, not so genuine.

Anyway, how was everyone’s 4th?

Per usual, all of my “coupled” friends went out of town for a couples trip (I didn’t know people really did that, but they do), and I was left to my own devices. I ended up going to the gym in the morning, going to the grocery (to purchase a gallon of wine), and setting up shop outside on the roof of my building.

I had a lawn chair, beach towel, wine, chips & dip, and a good romance novel. It was actually quite nice. I felt like a little bit of a loser, then I really was just enjoying my time relaxing and getting to read a good book.

I started to get a sunburn after just a few hours, so I came inside and caught a good nap before grilling some kebabs and corn on the cob. It was a good day.

Meanwhile, I cannot remember how much I’ve said on this blog about me creating a profile on OK Cupid? If I haven’t mentioned it, then now you know and I’ll have some explaining to do for next time.

Anyway, amidst all of the people I’m meeting and talking to online, I kind of started talking to someone from my past — don’t worry it’s not an ex! Instead, it is a guy I had a crush on in high school. We’ll call him Pickles, because that is what I call him, anyway.

Pickles and I had our first real run in in high school at winter formal my freshman year. Gizzy was my date, and during every slow song we would run into the bathroom and hide because it seemed like we were the only ones without a person to dance with.

But when one slow song started, Pickles asked me to dance. And I’m pretty sure I’ve been hooked ever since. He is unconventionally cute, with blonde hair, and a coy smile.

In college, I saw him a few times during visits with other friends. But it wasn’t until a few years ago that I started thinking of him, and started wondering what he was up to.

So I sent him a message on Facebook… but it went with no response, and so I figured he wasn’t interested. No big deal. About a year later, I started to wonder again. But since my first message went ignored, I didn’t write another.

Until last week. I figured what the hell, and reached out to him via Twitter. And within two hours, he called me.

We’ve been texting and talking every day since then, and when I go see Gizzy at the end of the month, I’m going to stop for a drink with him, too.

I don’t want to pitch it as more than it is… I know he lives far away, and I think the visit will be telling — there’s got to be a spark, you know! But, either way, I’m really excited to see an old friend.

An up-DATE.

I know you were all waiting on pins and needles for me to talk about my second date! I’m sorry I’ve waited so long to update you all, but to make it up to you, I’ll give you the dirt on BOTH of the dates we’ve had since our 1st one. Yes, we’ve gone on three dates! How?!

I’ll call him ENFJ, because those are his Meyer’s Brigg’s letters and that’s how we were setup in the first place — we are compatible in personality test results.

Anyway, for our second date, he picked me up and he had a bouquet of flowers! I’ve gotten flowers before, but usually they’ve been sent to my office or house (nothing wrong with either of those), never in-person. It was very sweet.

We went to the sushi place on the roof, where he made a reservation, so we were seated right away. We decided to order several rolls and share them, and the food was delicious. Since the place has a great view, we got drinks and went outside to enjoy it. Then, we took another stroll downtown, and headed back to the bar we went to after our first date.

There, we were talking to some people near us who offered to take our picture. It was a little too soon for that, but we took the picture and it turned out very cute.

When he drove me home, things were flirty, so I wasn’t surprised when we had a tiny make out session on my front stoop. He is a great kisser (major score).

He had plans to head out of town that week, so we went awhile without really talking or making plans to see each other. When he got back in town, I was getting ready to leave for vacation, so I asked him if he’d be down for meeting up mid-week so we could see each other.

He was down, so I drove the hour to see him after work last Wednesday for date #3.

We went to an upscale burger joint for food and a drink, then drove to a close cocktail bar where I had a champagne beverage and he had bourbon.

We got in some nice conversation before heading back to his house, where he asked me if I wanted to stay the night. I said I would, and we had a nice (innocent) cuddle and kissing session within the confines of his comfy bed.

In the morning, he was very sweet (shoulder kisses) and I left when he left for work.

I was honestly blown away. He’s so sweet, and sexy, and things are smooth.

But nothing stays that way, right?

When we were snuggling in his bed, I told him that sometimes I get the vibe that he doesn’t like me. He seemed confused as to why, because he does like me. I told him I just felt like he never really talked to me outside of our dates.

Since I said something, it hasn’t changed, and it gives me this uneasy feeling like he really is just not interested. And hey, I get it, not everyone is going to be into me. I can be a handful, I know.

But at this point, we’re adults, and we’ve spent some significant amount of time together, so he needs to let me know. So instead of sitting there, worrying about it, I chose to text him last night and ask him what was up. This was his reply:

“No, that’s not it. Work has been off the wall since I got back and I’ve been feeling a little sick too. It’s definitely not you at all!”

I said, “Okay.”

Around 8:40 pm, he texted me that he was still at work and could I talk tomorrow. I was pretty pissed off, so I told him I’d see how I felt.

My friend told me this was bitchy, but hear me out.

It’s this whole “busy” thing — that shit gets on my nerves. It is the number one thing that pisses me off, actually. I’ve heard it from every single guy I’ve dated, and you know what? They are busy. Busy fucking other women.

Can someone be busy not fucking someone? Yes, of course. But you’re never too busy for someone, unless you’re not interested. So to me, he ain’t interested, OR he’s too busy for me.

Me? I’m dating to get into a relationship. So if he’s the kind of guy that I can’t talk to because his work is busy, then I’m not sure he’s the guy for me. What do you all think?

I HAD A DATE!

Yes, you read that correctly! I went on a date—a BLIND date—Friday.

Since dating D, I’ve only been on one date…and it wasn’t so great (not horrible, but we didn’t go on a second date).

While I’m not in a mind-space of thinking that I necessarily need a boyfriend, I am starting to get bored with myself. Like GOD, can I just leave the apartment once in awhile? Or go and get dressed up for drinks, or something?

So, I jumped at the chance when one of my girlfriends from college sent me a text saying she had a friend she thought I’d be compatible with. I trust her, and she’s got great taste…besides, I had nothing to lose, so I told her, yes I was down for it.

I didn’t really think it was going to happen—not saying she’s a flake by any means, I just didn’t know how serious she, or this guy, was. But about a week later, he sent me his name and asked me out for dinner and drinks via text.

It took everything I had not to Google him; I wanted to go in totally blind. However, I gave Gizzy his name and had HER Google him and just tell me if she saw any red flags right off the bat. She didn’t, so I was glad.

So, Friday, he offered to pick me up and take us downtown to a nice wine bar. When I saw him, in the street, I was pleasantly surprised. He was fit, clean cut, dressed in a button-down shirt, with a small tattoo near his wrist.

We walked a ways and started talking, as we headed toward his car. He opened my car door.

At the wine bar, we both got wine flights, tasted each other’s wine picks, ate some food, and talked. A lot. And I shit you not, he told me I was gorgeous, and that he was surprised our mutual friend didn’t mention how “lovely” I was.

I was nearly blushing—no one has ever said those things to me.

Around midnight, we went for a walk downtown, and found a small, quiet bar to keep talking and get a few more beers. Turns out, we have quite a bit of things in common.

When the bar closed, he took me home, walked me to my door, and gave me a kiss. It was very sweet.

When I got into bed, he’d sent me a text: “Thank you so much for the company tonight. You were more incredible than I imagined. Goodnight and sweet dreams!”

He called me last night, and asked me for a second date this Friday—we are going to a rooftop sushi place. I’m pretty excited, and of course, I’ll keep you posted!

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And Then High School Crush Got Engaged

That’s right, you heard correctly.  High School Crush is engaged. If you’re a new reader, just go back in our blog posts about 2 years (or from the beginning, cause he was around then too) and it will all make sense.

Last night when I got home from work I decided to look up Peanut Butta Jelly Time (as I like to call her, aka HSC’s girlfriend/now fiance) on Facebook because I had a hankering he would propose around Christmas. Because he’s one of THOSE guys.  And by one of THOSE guys I mean one of those cheap bastards that pops the question around Christmas so he doesn’t have to get you a Christmas gift on top of the engagement ring.  So a couple posts in I see where she has done a reCRAP of all the cool shit she did in 2013.  The last thing was getting engaged to her best friend, soul mate, better half, love of her life. Gag me. So I scroll down to the next post and see the typical newly engaged couple pic of them: standing up doing a half hug with shit eating grins (her gummy grin still looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite) on their faces while her hand rests ever so subtly on his chest displaying her new bling (princess cut with the small diamonds surrounding it. Typical of what you see all the 20 somethings wearing.)

In all honesty I am indifferent about it and really don’t give a shit. I’m over him and have been for a long time.  But what I’m not over is that he (along with many other scum buckets) got away with basically two timing his now fiance at the beginning of their relationship.  And she probably has no idea that I was in the picture DAYS before they moved in together. 

This also got me thinking about something I’m sure have mentioned before: I am ALWAYS the girl that guys date/hook-up with/have one last fling with before they find “the one” and get married. I mean, do I have some kind of power that makes these assholes decide they’re ready to settle down, just not with me? 

Here’s the running list of guys this has happened with:

  1. My 2nd long term boyfriend in high school
  2. My first college boyfriend
  3. Snatch (if you remember, he’s how I met Anth and all those characters)
  4. My “football buddy” from college
  5. Bi-polar Ex
  6. High School Crush
  7. HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON
  8. Nutter Butter (not engaged YET, but says he’s currently with “the one”
  9. Snoop-Linus (also not engaged YET,  but has been with the same girl since we broke up like 4 years ago.)

Now here’s the list of exes that aren’t engaged/still in a relationship with the person they dated after me:

  1. My first long term high school boyfriend
  2. Douchearoo

It would seem that the way this weighs out is a little more than a coincidence, right?

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Mercedes the Mega-bitch

Do ya’ll remember that mega-bitch ex-friend of mine named MERCEDES? Yes, everyone take a moment to shudder in your chair.

Occasionally that stupid bitch rears her ugly head into my life and when that happens I get the fun reminder that there are still some things out there that do piss me the fuck off. And she is one of them.

Almost every time I hang out with Gigi or Chuck they talk about the last time they talked to her and how she says she misses me and would like us to be friends again, but not before I apologize. Which is never going to fucking happen, for the following reasons:

1. She’s a mega-bitch.
2. I did nothing wrong, she was the one who stabbed me in the back.
3. She’s a drama filled mega-bitch.

Every now and then someone (Anth or the likings there of) will tell me they ran into her and she asked how I was doing, where I’ve been, and what I’ve been doing. Which sends me instantly into a stink-eyed frenzy of questioning my friendship with said person for speaking my name to that mega-bitch.

But the most recent happenings are just… I can’t.

A little more than a month ago I got a random friend request from Snatch’s best friend from High School, Krusty Krabs.  I knew the guy in college. In fact, him and Snatch were roommates when he and I dated so we remained friends throughout college. 

After facebook stalking one afternoon I had come to the conclusion that the guy, Krusty Krabs, was no longer married (or maybe never got married, he was engaged at one point, but whatevs minor details) and that he was lookin’ mighty fine.  I explained to Lucky that very day that I was going to do some research and find out about whole ex-wife/fiance situation and see why they broke up/got a divorce, if it wasn’t too horrible of a reason (cause I’m not dealing with anymore lying cheating bastard asses), I was going to make my approach and start liking all of his stuff on facebook, because I’m 13, and then eventually he’d either talk to me or block me.  About 5 minutes later Snatch texted me about some random picture I had made a comment on.  Which was weird, he’s basically forbidden to talk to me unless his wife is present, but I didn’t think much of it.

I couldn’t find any solid evidence on the breakup/divorce so a few weeks ago I was prepared to start my liking approach, but he beat me to it and had already started liking all my stuff  so I started liking his back (side note: I am aware of how juvenile this all sounds, but do you want blog posts or no? Hokay then, lets continue.) Then a few nights ago I was texting with Betty and she’s all, “Oh by the way, how weird is it that Krusty Krabs and Mercedes are dating?”

Hold the mother fucking bus.  WHAT?! What. The. Fuck. We have totally been cyber flirting via facebook liking and this is not okay.

She said Mercedes had been posting a gaggle of pictures of the two of them, but since I have her blocked, I couldn’t see any of them. Betty thought I should intercept because Mercedes will muff it up anyway, but no. He’s ruined now. 

Betty gave me her login information so I could check out all the pictures for myself, and sure enough around the time he added me on facebook was when their whole shebang started. This got me thinking, Mercedes probably asked him to add me so she could stalk my shit. And then probably got a giant kick out of liking everything and then me reciprocating and liking back. 

Then, feeling like the whole world was conspiring against me, I wondered if Snatch was in on it too and texted me that one day to see if I would say anything about the two of them.

Mercedes and I haven’t spoken in nearly 3 years and this bitch will not get out of my life. The end.
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