Category Archives: Dear Mr. Nice Guy

Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for the past three months. He recently expressed to me that he feels like I don’t show affection toward him when we are in front of our families. Looking back on it, I can see his point. However, I have never been big on PDA and I certainly don’t want to disrespect his parents by being too physical in front of them. Is there a happy medium here?

Best, 

Shy Gurl

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HeadshotDear Shy Gurl,

Your boyfriend does have a point, yet at the same time he doesn’t. This all really depends on how the two of you define PDA.
A question for you would be what sort of affection would you feel comfortable expressing towards him in front of your families? A question for him would be to what level of PDA does he expect? Obviously he’s not going to honk your boob, followed by you kung-fu gripping his crotch, while playing a friendly game of Trivial Pursuit with his family. (At least I hope not.)
These people probably know the two of you are in a committed relationship. The expectation that two individuals are going to treat their significant other just like any average friend, regardless of company, is ridiculous. Ignorance my be bliss when it comes to the more affectionate activities of couples, but most people possess this thing called tact. You’ve already shown you have this particular trait, so I’m not worried about your clothes coming off at Thanksgiving dinner resulting in little Suzy having to avert her eyes while you pounce on her uncle.
To be honest, the level of PDA you express depends on your personal comfort level. This could even evolve as time passes. The two of you have been together for 3 months. Odds are you are still just getting to know his family. It goes without saying you want to make a good impression on them, thus respect ranks high on your list of qualities to want to fire in their direction.
Though it’s difficult to say precisely what is acceptable, and what is not, (as this can vary family to family) here is a small list of things I would assume would not be an issue:
– loving kiss
– hand holding
– a casual form of snuggling (example: if everyone is gathered in a TV room just relaxing)
I would even go as far to say that even a shoulder/back/scalp rub would be appropriate in some settings.
If these are all things you already do, then I would say your boyfriend may have some unrealistic expectations based on his definition of PDA. Should that be the case, I’m lead to believe he thinks the two of you need to be joined-by-the-hip in these family settings. This is not the case. You do not always need to sit by each other. You don’t always need to be touching. A lack in proximity does not directly reflect on the seriousness of your relationship; nor indicate that there’s trouble in Lovesville.
If there were to be a conclusion to this little ramble it would be, “The little things are what should be focused on to express your affection.”
I hope that helped. If you later find yourself torn on what would be crossing the PDA line just ask, “What would little Suzy approve of?”
Best,
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Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Dear Mr. Nice Guy,

A few months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. While we don’t talk anymore, we are still “friends” on Facebook and both of us have several photos of the two of us in our Facebook photo albums. While I’m not dating anyone new yet, I don’t want it to appear that I’m still attached or interested in my ex. If I delete him, and the photos, will it appear bitter? I want to move forward in the classiest way possible.

Thanks for your advice,

Facebook Confused 
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HeadshotDear Facebook Confused,

There are two ways to answer this for you; 1.)bluntly or 2.)a long-winded rant about Facebook and how annoying it is that it has made an alarming impact on how we handle our relationships (platonic and romantic) with others.

For the sake of actually answering your question, and not stepping onto a 2000-word soapbox, I’m going to give you my blunt response.

You’ve given me a couple of pretty strong clues in your original e-mail; “…we don’t talk anymore, we are still “friends” on Facebook…”

The two of you don’t talk, and obviously you’re not really friends if you have to use quotations around the word. From those two bits of information alone I say do whatever you want. Un-friend him. Delete the pictures. Remove tags. Do whatever you want, it’s your account.

Why worry about coming across as bitter? Maybe this is part of your process to move on, or it could just be the realization of why keep this connection with someone you’re obvious not really friends (or possibly even acquainted with) anymore. As for the concern over those who may view these actions as bitter, I say screw ’em. You know why you’re doing what you’re doing and that’s all that matters. If they wish to label it as a bitter lashing out, let them.

It’s respectable that you want to appear as classy as possible, but removing him as a “friend” and removing his pictures isn’t going to tarnish your image. If you had been writing passive-aggressive status updates, or writing mean-spirited comments on his wall; that would have been undignified.

What matters at the end of the day is that you are doing what is best for you.

I hope that helps, and good luck.

Got a question for Mr. Nice Guy? Email it to cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com
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Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

Since I graduated from college about 5 years ago, I’ve found it’s difficult to meet a good guy to date. I would like to try online dating, but am clueless on where/how to begin. I’ve heard putting things on your online profile can be taken the wrong way, or posting certain pictures of yourself can send the guy the wrong message. What are some tips for creating an online profile that represents me and how do I avoid getting pranked, Manti Te’o-style?
 
Sincerely, 
 
Miss Online Hopeful  
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HeadshotDear Online Hopeful,

You. Are. In. Luck!
In some circles one could consider me an expert on most things related to the topic of Online Dating. Much to my dismay this could largely be due to the fact that I am one year shy of reaching the decade mark for being an on-again/off-again part of that world.
But my pain is your gain, and the reason I’m here is to help you, which is what’s really important.
You are asking the question I wish more people would ask. You don’t really need to know what you should put in your profile, but what you should not put in it.
We’ll begin with your pictures because, let’s be honest, this is going to be the very first thing anyone is going to see and the ultimate deciding factor as to whether they will continue on to read your profile or not. Taking into consideration that you’re looking for a guy to date, and not just for a good roll-in-the-sack, here are my thoughts on the type of profile pictures you should avoid.
Avoid the dreaded “selfie” or mirror picture. What’s a selfie you ask? A selfie is a picture you took yourself by turnings your phone/camera towards yourself and stretching out your arm. I imagine you have at least one friend. Have them take the picture. This way you’ll also be able to better avoid getting a downward angle and therefore placing more focus on your possible cleavage.
Speaking of cleavage, be aware of what you’re wearing in your pictures. There is a difference between looking hot and looking down-right slutty. You may look extremely cute in your short shorts and tank top but giving us an idea this early on about what you may sleep in can put across the wrong message. In short, if your grandma wouldn’t frame the picture to show off to her bridge club you probably shouldn’t up. (all grandmas reserve the right to change their opinion at any time)
 
When it comes to the actual text of your profile I really only have one rule. Your profile is not a place to vent any of the following emotions: anger, rage, jealousy, insecurity, or bitterness. This is a place to sell you. We all have pasts and that’s where they should remain. Tell us [men] about the present day you and (indirectly) why we want date you.
There have been times I would come across a profile that seemed to have it all. Cute pictures. Personality. Common Interests. Then my scrolling would lead me to a list of “conditions”, or deal breakers, explaining that if any of the following were to apply to me then I shouldn’t bother. My urge to send a pleasant introduction message completely dissolved almost immediately. There is not problem in having standards, but you don’t know who is out there, and all you’re doing here is driving away someone who could actually be “perfect” for you. Remember, there’s a difference between having reasonable needs and being petty. Rejecting a guy with anger issues = reasonable; rejecting a guy because of thinning hair = petty.
Overall, have fun with your profile. Don’t take yourself too seriously. But most of all be honest.
Embrace who you are and others will too.
Good luck, and be patient. Online Dating is still a relatively new ballgame in realm of dating so having hot, and cold, streaks is expected. Don’t get frustrated and hopefully your right guy will send a virtual wink to you across the world wide web.
Best,
-Matthew; aka Mr. Nice Guy

Got a question for Mr. Nice Guy? Email it to cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com 

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Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

About 2 years ago, I got out of a string of abusive relationships. I’m now 28, and I feel like I’m ready to get back out there. However, guys I meet seem to just want to hook up—I want something serious. Recently, my hair stylist started asking me what kind of guy I was looking for. Once we got to talking, she said she knew of a few guys that might be a good match and wanted to set us up. I’ve always been afraid of setups because I don’t want the setter-upper to be upset if it goes sour. However, I feel like I shouldn’t rule it out. What do you think? Do you have any advice for a first-setup-date? 
 
Thank you, 
 
Ms. Single Setup 
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HeadshotDear Ms. Single Setup,

You most certainly are right, don’t rule out the idea of a Setup Date.

The people we keep in our lives; friends, family, and in your case your hair stylist, can often think “outside of the box” and see things in us that we would typically overlook, or even disregard because we’d think it a flaw rather than a selling point. This makes them an excellent source when it comes to finding potential dates and/or significant others.

There is one very important question I recommend everyone ask when they are approached with a potential setup.

Why do you think we’re compatible?”

You need to make sure there is more of a reason to set you up other than:

“Well…you’re both single.”

“Well…you both are sick of being single.”

“Well…you both have trouble going out and meeting people.”

“Well…you both have abysmal luck when it comes to finding someone on your own.”

“Well…you only find assholes/bitches.”

“Well…because.”

Fortunately, it seems like your stylist may be on the right track since she asked what kind of guy you’re looking for; just make sure they are valid reasons.

Do you have share interests? Similar backgrounds? Have you both expressed an interest in doing something new?

I must say I’m extremely impressed that your concern isn’t so much being set up on a date, but that if things don’t work out the relationship with your stylist may be altered. To be frankly honest, I had never thought of things turning out that way. My personal thoughts are, I doubt she’ll give it a second thought if things don’t work out with you and Guy A, B, or C. (unless one of them is a son/nephew/cousin/grandson/etc., that she’s absolutely crazy about)

When it comes to the date itself I highly recommend trying to make it happen during a group outing. Having been the subject of two Setup Dates in the past this helped avoid any potential awkward situations. The first one consisted of her meeting me at a bowling alley where I was with a good buddy of mine and his girlfriend. For the other setup a mutual friend brought her to an annual fondue event a group of my friends have every January.

The bowling date went well and we continued to go out on a few more dates after that. In the end things didn’t work out, but even now we are still friends. The fondue setup didn’t even really have a chance to gain momentum; which I will admit was largely to me being somewhat picky at that time.

Coincidentally, just two weeks ago my sister told me that a friend of hers wants to set me up with her daughter. Now, I don’t know much about the daughter other than the fact that she’s cute; and that she has apparently already Facebook stalked me and said I was cute. Not following my own advice, placing blame on the 25 ounces of beer I had already consumed on a virtually empty stomach, I slammed my hand on the table and said with a smile, “Set it up!” To the best of knowledge the tentative game plan is a double date night, consisting of dinner and games, which will include myself, the daughter, my sister, and my brother-in-law.

See? Safety in numbers.

Any of those situations not only helps take some pressure off the two of you, but it makes conversation and getting to know someone a LOT easier. Having trouble coming up with a question to ask? Perhaps someone else in the group will have something to say.

Better still, you will get to see how this person interacts with other people. You can learn a lot about a person even when not directly involved in the conversation taking place.

Here’s my final little conclusion of advice for you.

Take up your stylists offer to set you up, but do your homework first. Start off small and find out which one guy may be the best fit for the setup. Find an activity to do with a group of people; they could be your friends, they could be his friends, they could be a mix of the two. The focus here is a fun activity where interaction is a must.

Last, don’t try to think of it too much as ‘a date’. Think of it as a group of people going out to have fun. If, at the end of the day/night, you’re vibin’ this guy let him know. There’s no problem in saying, “It was great getting to meet you and I had a lot of fun. Do you want to, maybe, get drinks or dinner sometime.”

Good Luck, and let us know if anything develops!

Best,

-Mr. Nice Guy-

Got a question for Mr. Nice Guy? Email it to cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com 

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Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Today, I am so excited to announce a special treat we’ve got for you: a new monthly series, “Dear Mr. Nice Guy…” from Inside The Nice Guy himself. In a way, it’s like Dear Abby (RIP), only better, because we talk real, and the questions are legit. Besides, we really wanted to see if Nice Guy knew his shit. You be the judge, and if you’ve got a question for him, email it: cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com …ENJOY!

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

My boyfriend and I broke up (he dumped me) two years ago. While he said we were breaking up because he was too busy, I think he was seeing someone else. Anyway, today, years after, he still sends me text messages. Immediately after we broke up, he said he wanted to remain friends, and I said no. Although I don’t reply to his messages, he sends me texts on my birthday, holidays, or when he’s “thinking of me.” Why is he doing this? 

Sincerely, 

Miss Bothered Baggage

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HeadshotDear Miss Bothered Baggage,

Wanting to add some validity to the response that follows I find it important to say I’ve gone through a very similar situation. This particular Ex initiated the break up and it was very civil; where the possibility of friendship was discussed. This was very short lived as she began showing me very little respect and essentially treated me like dirt for most of the time we had to remain in contact (story not important). Four months later she sent a text saying she had been thinking about me, etc. I too had to ask, Why?

Three words come to mind based on the actions of your ex boyfriend.

Attention, control, and regret; though attention and control can often be paired together as they have similar motivators. Which is it? Pin-pointing precisely the case for your Ex would require a better understanding of his personality and the type of guy he was/is. Ultimately you’ll have to fill in that blank, but obviously I’ll help where I can.

Let’s address the easier one first, regret. As you stated, he’s the one who dumped you. He let you get away. He may be sending you these messages because he now feels like you’re the one that got away. Ah, nostalgia can be a fickle little temptress. This is his easy way to get his foot back in the door. Say you were to eventually respond to a text. This would open up the dialogue and send the impression to him that you’re game for a conversation. At this point, his chances of getting you back increase. That may not be fact, but that’s how it’s going to look to him, which means the number of texts will not only increase but the means the communication may begin to change; phone calls, e-mails, Facebook, you name it.

Attention is fairly straight-forward. When together you gave him attention others would not. You probably tolerated things others wouldn’t put up with. He’s not getting that now. Even if he is, then it’s a matter that he’s not getting it from you. Think of it as a not-so-wholesome way of missing you.

Control as his motive? Well, this is where things become a little more bothersome.

He ended things. He called things off for whatever reason. By him ending the relationship he maintained control.

Or so he thought.

But the power immediately began to shift when he said he wanted to remain friends, and you said, “No.” To that, you should be applauded. It’s difficult to say “No” to someone whom you may still have feelings for. But you saw beyond the cloudy veil of heart-broken, love-struck, eyes and made a decision many others have trouble doing.

In his mind, when he broke things off you would end up being devastated and continue carrying a torch for him. In his mind you’ve been spending countless hours crying to your girlfriends while drowning your sorrows with a giant bowl of Cocoa Puffs, mixed with peanut butter, chocolate milk, and M&M’s. This attempt to regain control requires some bait, sending you a text saying “Thinking of you,” or sending well wishes on a holiday. This ideally would prompt a similar response from you. Again, responding is the enemy as it puts the ball back in his court. Now, he can decide when/if to even text you back.

Miss B.B., stop asking yourself why he’s doing this. Sure, it is probably getting frustrating when his name appears on your ID with a new message but use that as a reminder each time he contacts you. It’s your reminder that you have been able to move on with your life, while he is still apparently trying to hold on to some thread of the past.

Best,

Mr. Nice Guy- 

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