Category Archives: Douche Day

Why am I being punished?

Hey guys!!

I’m sorry it’s been forever—I have SO much to tell you & I promise, there is REASON for me not being around to tell y’all about my exciting life. However, we’ll get to that on a rainy day. Today, I’ve got a little story for you and I hope you’ll weigh in.

Exactly one week ago, I was a guest on my friend’s video podcast. It was a short 40-minute live comedy act and it was pretty funny. The audience was mostly men, and as soon as the show went off-air, some of these guys were texting my friend wanting to know who I was and if I was single.

Oooohhhh heeeeeyyy!!

So one of these guys, we’ll call him MAP, sends me a message on Facebook and after a few exchanges, he asks me for my number. We text a little more and then he asks me if I want to get a simple drink on Friday (yes, Valentine’s Day).

I say yes, and I was pretty excited about it.

At first, I got the vibe that this guy was genuine, nice, he has a good job, owns a condo, has a car, has a degree, is involved in a softball team, has a podcast…

Overall, I was thinking, “Hey, this guy has a life,” which is pretty attractive to me, because I’ve got a lot going on, too.

So, we meet up for drinks, and he orders a nice scotch, I got a vodka. We talked about work, our friends, things like that, but I noticed that he kept talking about his “Budget.”

Now, let’s get this straight. I, too, am on a budget. I get it. And I am NOT looking for someone who is going to swoop in and solve my money problems. However, my money issues are not something I talk about with people I’ve just met.

He was mentioning it so much, that I felt like I should pick up the tab.

So we have two drinks and leave the bar. He walks me to my door, and he goes in for the kiss, and he was holding me so tight I almost fell over. And the kiss… was very forced. Like there were (was?) teeth and tongue and I opened my eyes once because I was trying to pull away.

I went to my apartment with mixed feelings. He seemed nice, like a guy who’s got it all together, but that kiss was horrible…

However, he asked me if i wanted to hang out again and I said sure.

But since then, he’s been texting NON STOP.

Like, we’re talking, he texts me so often, I don’t even have time to answer the questions he is asking me. Sometimes, in a text, he will even ask me what time he should text me.

I don’t know what to do… I feel bad, but we’ve only been on one date and I am already feeling so smothered.

It’s one thing if we have lots to talk about, but it’s another thing, if it’s forced, and I feel like asking me questions like, “What are you having for lunch?” “What’s your political stance?” “Can you do any impressions?” is forced conversations.

Am I horrible? HELP.

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Wait for a Minute.

Anyone heard Justin Bieber’s new song, feat. Tyga, “Wait for a Minute”? …Because it is AWESOME.

Between hearing that on Friday and seeing The Biebs walk with Maywether to the ring, my love for Bieber has been rekindled. Not that it was on the rocks or anything.

BULGeRzIgAAvreF.jpg-large

Alright, enough of the bullshit, it’s time I come clean about me and this trainer. Here is what you need to know. His name is CR and he is a professional fighter and he’s really, really hot.

I want to post a picture of his naked body for you; but he has many distinctive tattoos that would give him away. After all, he was on a reality TV show last year.

When he started training at my gym, I was still dating D. I took a few of his classes, but honestly didn’t think much of it.

And then when D and I broke up, I thought he was cute. Then I thought he was kinda hot. Then I thought he was sexy as hell.

You know how it is.

At the gym, he would always talk to Marcy, but not me, so I thought maybe he was into her. Then one day he asked me why I never took his class.

“I do,” I said.

And that was that.

Then around mid-August, we added each other on Facebook.

That’s also the same time I discovered he was engaged.

A few days later, at the gym, I told him he was a pussy—really just kidding around. He told me I would pay for it during my next workout.

And he kicked. My. Ass.

“This is all your fault,” he said.

The next day, he sent me a message on Facebook saying he hoped I wasn’t sore…

Two days later, we had phone sex.

We started sending nasty sexts to each other—(in no order):

CR: That ass will be in my hands pulling down

ME: I want to get on top so you can touch

CR: I have my hands on that ass while you wrap ya legs around me against the wall

…Since then, we’ve sent nearly 8,000 messages to each other, including pictures, and we’ve had sex a handful (pun intended) of times.

I know, you’re probably ready to throw your computer or mobile device out the window right now, saying: LUCKY!!!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! HAVEN’T YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE?? YOU’RE INVITING BAD KARMA YOUR WAY…

Yes, yes I know.

I don’t have answers for you.

The only thing I can say is that I’m blaming it on D. I just couldn’t have him be the last person I slept with.

And although CR is engaged AND living with his fiancee, I can say without a doubt, he is THE hottest guy I’ve ever fucked, and it’s some of the best sex I’ve ever had.

That’s nothing to feel bad over, right?

I don’t feel an emotional attachment like I did when I was sleeping with the married guy…which is good.

I hate to say it, but I feel pretty bitter about men these days, so it doesn’t surprise me that CR is willing to cheat on his gorgeous-pharmacist of a fiancee. Because he’s a guy and that’s what guys do, right?

So, if he’s going to cheat, it may as well be with me.

Let the haters, hate.

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‘I think I made a huge mistake’

That’s what D’s text said Wednesday morning at 12:46 am.

HA. HA. HA.

I just had to laugh when I saw it…

Let’s dissect.

First of all, YOU THINK??!!!

No, asshole, you DID make a huge mistake.

Second of all, AN huge mistake, as in one?

No, you made many, several, a lot of huge mistakes.

After I got over my initial laugh, I thought, “WOW, good tactic.”

The message is so vague it almost demands a response—is he referring to letting me go? The drinking? The arrest? Something that happened 5 minutes prior?—I will never know because I didn’t reply.

I really wasn’t tempted to. He obviously wants to continue these games, but I refuse to lock myself in that emotional hell.

Today, I feel free.

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Population 5,000 II

So the 2 country guys followed us to this bar… i swear, there was a guy singing country on the front porch, but when we walked inside there were strobe lights and a guy rapping in the middle of the floor.

We danced, we drank, and shit got really silly. Eventually, Marcy and I ditched the guys and rolled home around 4 am. The next morning, we got donuts before laying out at her parents’ pool, which honestly felt like the wild west.

There were all kinds of crazy bugs and squirrels, I couldn’t relax. It was still a fun day, but… the guys from the previous night were texting me and, although they were nice, I just didn’t feel like DEALING with it.

It’s honestly the first time I’ve ever felt like that. Before, I probably would’ve jumped at the chance for some guys to join me at the pool. But not now… it’s pretty much the last thing on my mind…and it seems like a lot of fucking work that I’m just not down for.

Eventually, Marcy and I got out of the pool, got a power nap in, and headed to this nice little seafood restaurant. We ate, drank bottles of wine, and then went to pick up this guy (Chris) that Marcy dated a whole 8 years ago.

Apparently, Chris moved away a few years ago, got married and had a kid, and he was oddly back in town visiting his parents and wanted to meet up with Marcy.

When we picked him up, he was dressed casual…wearing steal toed boots. He said he was a miner for a really big company and he was just loving life in the mountains.

When we got to the bar, not only did we run into the guys from the night before, but we saw ed, too! I was pretty stoked.

However, when we all sat down for a fun chat, Chris desperately tried to steer the conversation his way, talking (again) about how awesome life is in the mountains and that he is just so healthy now and he works with so many diverse people that will go biking with him or even jump off cliffs with him…

Hey buddy, I don’t really give a shit, thanks.

After a few drinks, we decide to head to this massive club—it was so big I couldn’t believe we were still in this small town.

Marcy and Chris were dancing and I was acting a fool, doing the Roger Rabbit by myself. Chris apparently thinks he is god’s gift to women, as he came up to me and was riding my ass and pulling my hair like we were having sex.

Then he gets super close and asks if Marcy thinks I’ll get mad…

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Go away, already.

I’m recovering from an emotionally awful weekend.

I don’t know how it started, but for whatever reason, I thought of my ex all weekend. And I teared up. And I was mad at myself. And I lost sleep, because, for what feels like the millionth time, he was in my nightmares.

And you know what? I know everyone is sick of it. My parents are. Gizzy is. You are. And frankly, so am I. After 7 months of not seeing the bastard, and 2 months of no communication, I’m still clearly struggling. And I don’t know why.

Going to therapy has helped me, tremendously. In fact, I can’t tell you how pumped I am to cry to Lopez tonight over it. Because I still need help. Clearly.

However, I still struggle with lots of things. I still think that he’s off having this amazing life, while I’m still hating mine. He’s smiling, while I’m crying. He’s drinking while I’m in therapy.

I hate that I still have baggage. I hate that I’ve only been on one date in the last year and he turned out to be an ass. I hate that the last person I slept with couldn’t get it up. I hate that my ex was trying to fuck me while he had a girlfriend.

All I am banking on is time. I hope, and am close to actually praying to God, that in time, this will get better. Because we’re approaching year five, folks. And I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.

After all, I’ve thrown out everything that reminds me of him. Sold his gifts on ebay. I’ve moved apartments because my old one reminded me of him. I’ve changed my route to work as to not drive by his street. I’ve deleted his number and blocked him from my chat list. I quit watching Sex and the City because the thought of sleeping with someone makes me sick.

But my mind, my memory, my nightmares…all things that I just can’t wipe clean, are torturing me.

To top it off, I drug myself out of bed Sunday afternoon to go to the writer’s meeting. I showed up obviously pissed at the new editor. Upon arrival I found out she gave the cover to another story, after she said she would consider mine. The story that won? Oh, one that hadn’t even be turned in yet. Typical.

I wanted to clear the air, so I asked her when deadline was. At first, she said Monday, then Sunday, then she said Saturday, then Friday…and then said turn it in whenever. Of course, I snapped and said “Look, I need a day and a time so I can get my shit in.”

Saturday at 5 pm is deadline.

If I don’t post on Wednesday, it’s because I’ve checked myself into a padded room, complete with straight jacket and bars over the windows.

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Free at last

Guess what day it is.  It’s the return of Douche Day!!! You know what that means, something happened with the man himself, Douchearoo.  Seriously, after all of the awful things that the ex Snoop-Linus did to me, I think I still hate Douchearoo more.  Because he just tries to be an asshole.

I was driving to work this morning, minding my own business, when I noticed a child’s toy chillin’ on the back of a semi.  I thought it was funny, because it was one of those alphabet caterpillars.  So I got as close as I could, took a picture, and posted it on facebook saying, “Aw some little kid lost its toy!” Not 2 minutes after, Douchearoo comments “The kid is an it?” Yeah asshole, IT is.  I didn’t see if it was a little boy or a little girl who left his or her toy on the back of this semi, and you know what else? With all the recent baby drama I like to call kid’s it.  So step off, you don’t know me! 

If anyone else would have made that comment I would’ve laughed and been like, “HA HA, yep, it is an IT!” But I think any other person that would have been jackass enough to think about leaving a comment like that would have concluded beforehand why I called the kid it.  Just for funsies let’s run through the scenarios of other words I could’ve used and why I didn’t:

1. Aw some little kid lost his or her toy

-No. This is facebook, not effing English class, I’m not going to sound like a tool.

Aw some little kid lost their toy

-Then his comment would’ve been, “Since when do kids multiply” or something just as pretentious.

It’s like I told Lucky, if he wants to be silent facebook friends, I am totally fine with that, but don’t comment on my shit! He would do things like this when we were together and it really got under my skin.  He didn’t do it to me so much as he would to others. But, it honestly made me mad that I was dating someone who preyed on the weaknesses of others so he could feel better about himself and try and make himself look cool.

But really, correcting people’s spelling and grammar is all he’s ever had.  He’s ugly, balding, and fat, so his feeble mind is all that he has going for him.  That’s not even saying much, because I think he has trouble holding entry level jobs.  As for me, well I’m just coming into my prime and I work at one of the best companies in the world in my industry.  So you know all of that has to make him feel really good about dumping me a few years ago, I sure am glad he did.

As much as I wanted to reply to the comment and tell him that he sucks and I hate him, I didn’t.  I deleted the picture, and deleted him as a friend.  I’m almost 27 years old and can’t be getting into facebook battles anymore. I also have to think about what I’ve got going on this weekend, the hangout with High School Crush, a public fight with my ex over facebook for all to see could easily ruin that.  How unattractive and trashy is it when people get in public fights over facebook and twitter? Ugh! I’m taking a classy approach in 2012.

I am happy to report that I am now no longer facebook friends with any of my ex-boyfriends.  I’m free!!!!

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Douche Day Returns

Happy Jerseday Everyone!!   Let’s start off this fist pumping with a DOUCHE DAY story!

A few weeks ago my friend Dina came up to visit, I haven’t seen her in a year so a reunion was so very necessary.  She came to my apartment one night; we started off with cocktails at my apartment and stories of how we hate men.  We ended the night at an afterhour’s club with my old sorority friend Vickie and that’s all I remember.

I woke up the next morning to Anth pounding on my bedroom door saying Dina was texting him because she needed to get her stuff.  It was literally one of those out of body experiences where I was like, “Really? What happened last night? Am I alive right now?”  I was still in my clothes from the night before, my tv was blaring, the lights were all on, there were ralphing remnants crusted to my face, oh and I was still super wasted. 

Dina showed up an hour later, not pissed off that I had obviously left her at the club to fend for her own.  Apparently we were with a guy she had been dating so she stayed at his house.  Shew!  And I was dancing with his ugly sidekick.  Yuck.  We tried to recrap the rest of the night but failed and failed again.

After a while of diligently searching I found my phone and started to look through the texts and calls to see if I could figure out what had happened.  That’s when I saw it.  A text from: DOUCHEAROO.

The Time:  3:49AM

The Message From DOUCHEAROO:  Was I ever mean to you when we dated?  As in really mean like made you feel awful about yourself?

The Time:  4:02AM

My Reply:  REALLY?!!

—14 hours lapsed time of me coming out of my drunken stupor, being hungover, and wanting to die—

9:59 PM – DOUCHEAROO:  Yes, really.

Me:  You told me I was crazy, a bitch, and dumb while you saved messages from your ex telling you that “you’re wonderful”  and you acted like I was disposable, so yeah I’d say I felt prettttty bad about myself when I dated you.

DOUCHEAROO:  I’m sorry about that.

Me: Uh, thanks.

DOUCHEAROO:  I guess I have been through some shit lately.  So I just wanted to know.  Made me appreciate your level of sanity.

Me: Oh yeah, dealing with some crazy?

DOUCHEAROO:  You have no idea.  (Editor’s note:  HAHA, he deserves it.  Dick.)

Me:  Good luck with that.

DOUCHEAROO:  Noted.  Can I tell you one thing?

Me: What?

DOUCHEAROO:  I’m sorry I took you for granted.  I was stupid and didn’t care.  Just know that any guy is lucky to have you.  Anyone who disagrees is a moron.

Me: Um, thanks?

DOUCHEAROO: Welcome, we did have some good times I thought.

Me: Sure.

DOUCHEAROO: I guess my point is that I’m sorry when I hurt you.  You deserved better.

Me: Yep, 4 years too late with that apology.

DOUCHEAROO:  Just wanted you to know.  Your name is still Gizzysaurus in my phone by the way.

Me: Cool.

DOUCHEAROO:  I miss you.  That’s all I will say.

Annnnnd that’s where I quit replying.  Like you have got to be freaking kidding me!! 

Next message—-

TO: Snoop Linus

From: Gizzy

I HAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU.

Right, a little immature and unnecessary but I don’t regret it and I was out of my element so whatever.

Reply from Snoop-Linus 5 days later:  I fucked everything up, all of it.  I just need you back in my life, the past year hasn’t been the same without you.  I love you Gizzy.

Really?  I say I hate you after not speaking to the kid for months I send I hate you and get an I love you I need you back in my life? 

So the lessoned to be learned here is that even at 26 years old I still cannot be trusted with my own cell phone while intoxicated.   

I think getting that “I hate you” out of my system will end the whole Snoop-Linus debacle and I don’t think DOUCHEAROO will be texting me for sometime after getting shot down…. Again.   DENIED!

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