Category Archives: Inner Child

Happy Halloween, You Blockheads!

In the spirit of Halloween (my favorite Holiday after the 4th of July) I’m going to keep this post light, because no one wants to read about how I’m pissed off at the World on such a joyful day.  So with that said, I’m just going to share a picture of my Halloween costume.

Pig Pen

And the rest of my department at work.

Peanuts Gang

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Meet my new kitty!!

943720_10151398530986434_1159808051_nI got a new cat!

If you’re a longtime reader, you know that last summer, I suffered a major loss when my beloved orange cat of 10 years suddenly passed away due to cancer.

I never thought I would get another cat, or any pet for that matter.

I donated all of my previous cat’s items (except for sentimental stuff) to a local shelter a little more than a month ago, and started looking at the cats they had posted pictures of on their Facebook page.

I saw several cats that were cute, but my mom told me to be on the lookout for The One. She said I would know.

She was right.

One Sunday I was looking at an album of new kitty pictures, when I saw a litter they named the Golden Girls litter. Each kitten was named after a character from The Golden Girls (there’s even Stanley).

Have I mentioned that I watch the Golden Girls everyday?

944729_10102300771402695_415425103_nBlanche is my favorite character, so I checked out the cat they named Blanche…and she looked like the cat I had when I was 2—a tortoise shell calico. So. Freaking. Cute.

I immediately jumped on what I needed to do to adopt her. I visited the shelter. I met up with her foster mom. I waited. And waited. Filled out papers. Did the interview. Completed the home visit. Paid the money. And finally, finally, she arrived at my apartment last night.

She immediately got right at home enjoying the new things I bought for her, leopard print food and water bowls, cat bed, and even took a polite piss in the hot green litter box.

Blanche Hollingsworth-Devereaux is quite a rowdy Southern Belle, but I am happy to have some company in the apartment again.

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Back from the dead… maybe.

HEY HO.

I am at work right now for the first time in a week… I took vacation days because my mom flew into town. We had a lovely visit, but on the last night of her trip, I started to feel a little tickle in my throat.

Yeah, and now I feel like absolute donkey-do.

Fever, runny nose, coughing, the whole 9 yards, but I’m at my desk all bundled up in my snuggie. I figured I should just come to work and see how long I’m able to last…

Anyway, because I’ve been off in la-la land, I didn’t do a good job of keeping up with the blog. Didn’t even arrange the “Dear Mr. Nice Guy” post for Friday.

My apologies.

I promise… things will get back to normal around here sometime.

PS. Today is our 3rd year anniversary!!!! GO US.

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My dad’s kinda guy.

My dad’s the kinda guy
Who you’ll get along with
You’ll sail the open seas
Laugh when the sun goes down
And share the catch of the day

But when the boat docks
He’ll deconstruct the ship you built
Replacing the polished wood
With bricks of dirt
Turned from the bowels of the ocean

My dad’s the kinda guy who starts shit
He remembers the things
You’ve blocked from your memory
For good reason
“Hey, hey remember that time you were super embarrassed? Yeah that was hilarious”

My dad’s the kinda guy
Who took his daughter to lunch
And said he was leaving
Packed his shit and left
Right after dessert
He’s the kinda guy
Who dates before the divorce is final
Who still shit talks the mother of his daughter
Even 10 years after the split

My dads the kinda guy
Who’s got 2 ex wives
Who is happy with the common law
Because he won’t actually marry his girlfriend
But he’ll live in her house
Sleep in her bed
And judge his neighbor for doing the same

My dad’s the kinda guy
Who didn’t pay child support
Who left his wife and child to fend for themselves
Until he was served in court and threatened with jail

My dad’s the kinda guy who
Hates valentines day because of jewelry commercials
Because women shouldn’t expect a damn thing
He’s the kinda guy who doesn’t drive on holidays
Because that would mean seeing family
He doesn’t mow the grass on Sundays
But he doesn’t go to church
He doesn’t put up a Christmas tree
Because he’s just too good for things like that

He’s the kinda guy who makes everything a contest
But there is no prize

My dad’s the kinda guy who had
A full scholarship
And dropped out of college after one semester
Because it was too hard
He’s the kinda guy who doesn’t say congratulations
For things like graduating college
Getting a job

He’s the kinda guy who wants to know why you called
“Did you have something to say?”

He lives in fantasy land but
Still believes life should be hard

He’s the kinda guy who doesn’t give out his address
Not even to his family
Because everyone is out to get him
He’s the kinda guy who hates suburbia
But refuses to live in the country
He’s the Mr Wilson to my Dennis the Menace
He’s the kinda guy
Who will fire his entire staff
Just because he can
Who still expects a game of thrones on Father’s Day
Like he deserves to be king

He is a catch 22

So if you meet him
And the ship doesn’t sail so smooth
Consider that
A success story

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Hi, Betsy!

Over the weekend, D informed me of some pretty cool news: Not only was E’s graduation coming up, but D said her mom wanted me to be there.

WOW! I am so in, right?

The kindergarten graduation ceremony begins at 9:30 Friday morning, so I took the day off work. After the ceremony me, E, D, and E’s mom (D’s ex wife, just to be clear) are going out to lunch to celebrate.

D said he was going to buy E a bouquet of flowers for the occasion. Flowers? Psshh.

I ventured to Target in search of the perfect gift; nothing too flashy, but something to show that I care, and that I’m cool, and that she should like me, dammit.

I really wanted to get a “Graduation Barbie”…which, turns out that even though Barbie is a mom and a doctor and a veterinarian and President, she didn’t graduate. So I was left wandering down the Barbie aisle.

Eventually, I came across the Barbie Pocket Learner:

333-9081264SPA78UC1215930M

Yeah, looks awesome, right?

According to the packaging, this little gadget has 24 interactive activities including logic, vocabulary, numbers, and more! You can even send Barbie “emails.”

I was pretty stoked that I found a cool-looking toy that was somewhat educational for a low price. So, I grabbed some wrapping paper and headed home.

Sunday morning, while making the obligatory call to mom, I was messing around with the pocket learner, planning on getting my number-game on, you know?

So I turn it on, and it’s Barbie’s pretty face, paired with some danceable tunes, and Barbie says to me, “HI BETSY!!!!”

Ohhhhh fuck.

My mom hears this and says, “But her name isn’t Betsy!”

I know this fact, and also know that if E turns on this toy and it says Betsy and not “E” I am doomed FOREVER.

So I search through the toy, looking to where I can customize it and make it say E and not Betsy. Who is this Betsy? Some lil whore whose mom was off looking at frozen pizzas while Betsy was left in the Barbie aisle customizing all of the pocket learners.

I had no luck, so I went to Google and looked up the instructions (the learner was still in its package, mind you) and still had no luck.

But the pieces started coming together—it was a toy for 3+, didn’t have any complex instructions, and chances are, it had no real customizable capabilities.

Then, it finally clicked. Barbie was saying, “HI BESTIE.”

Not Betsy. Le sigh.

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Santa, Bieber.

That’s right, it’s Santa and his reindeer, Justin Bieber.

santabiebs

Har, har, har!

Just wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, get drunk, eat a ton, and we’ll blog about it soon enough!

Love,

Gizzy & Lucky

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Getting closer…

I know just the other day I was saying the holidays have got me a little down, but I’m starting to get excited. YAY!

I did put up a tree—a nice and tall, 8 footer—bought some stockings and holiday plates. My mom is traveling the 15 hours to visit me. It will be the first Christmas morning we’ve spent together in 10 years, and I’m really just a kid looking forward to seeing her mom. Truthfully, if she wasn’t coming, I totally was planning on not putting up a tree, pulling a John Grisham and just skipping the holiday altogether.

But there is one thing about Christmas that bothers me. It’s this:

Is it just me or is that commercial so fucking awkward??? I seriously have to change the channel when I see the opening scene. Like… they aren’t acting like they’re brother and sister. They act like they want to do each other and it freaks me out.

I thought I was the only one who felt this way, and then I saw this RECUT.

And just to kick it up a notch, there was this:

My thoughts exactly. Anyone got any funny or super depressing holiday commercials to share?

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