Category Archives: Uncategorized

I hate the way you work it.

Work has just been as crazy as ever lately. Here we are, 6 months out from when Fatso got fired, and there’s still no one to fill his position, leaving the 3 of us in my department to cover the extra work.

The thing is, one of the women in in my department, we’ll call her Outback, she doesn’t help us at all. She is eligible for retirement, and she pretty much just sits in her office all day, filing her nails and reading mystery novels.

Sounds pretty nice!

When we (me and my boss) have asked her for help, she says she’s “Not 20 years old,” and that she just doesn’t know how to do it, despite us showing her how several times.

Last week, I finally mentioned something about it to our boss’ boss, and said that this extra work has actually become my work, leaving me no time to do my actual work (work, work, work).

This concerned the big boss, and she turned to Outback and asked, “What are you doing to help?” It was obvious that she’s doing nothing, and so she sat there, and shrugged her shoulders.

This resulted in a talking-to, and a quick change of our job descriptions, and then later, a complete yelling fest between my boss and Outback — no seriously, Outback was in the hallway yelling at my boss: “I DONT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO ANYMORE!”

…And I felt like I was on an episode of Real Housewives, New Jersey.

I left during the yelling match (not because I wanted to, because I had to teach), and so I’m not really sure how it was resolved — or if it was. But ever since then, Outback has been in my office doorway, acting like she gives a damn, and it’s really annoying, because she’s still not doing actual work.

Instead, she’s just replying to emails with, “Okay,” so she can show that she’s “on top of emails.”

I know that it’s not my job to point out the obvious, and so for as long as I can stand it, I’m just going to let my work speak for itself — my boss did tell me last week that she knows I’ve been kicking ass, and doing a great job, so we’ll see if she can put her money where her mouth is.


Well, that was a #Fail.

At the advice of my friends, I called Matt back two days later.

And got his voicemail. So I left a message.

And you can imagine how pissed I was when I didn’t hear back from him two days after that. So, being the mature, classy mother fuck that I am, I sent him a text message saying that I would just rather assume he was abducted by aliens than continue bothering him for the closure that I deserved.

He replied my text a day later saying this:

I’m back from a camping trip with some coworkers… Sorry, no phones allowed there, but not a good excuse for not texting earlier. I was a little intimidated when you told me not to call with the usual it’s not you it’s me stuff too I suppose. Anyway, I’m basically a huge mess of life and my head is all wrong right now. Never been so out of sorts. Sorry you’re the one to get all the fallout from that. It’s not very fair.


Excuse me while I get my magnifying glass to search for his balls.

An update on the update…

Ugh, this week has been CRAZY at work — I cannot tell you just how happy I am that tomorrow is FRIDAY, and I’m really looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday.

Anyway, to give you an update on my date situation… After I was pissed off Tuesday night (last week), he called me Wednesday night. I missed the call due to showering (for once), and called him back.

He told me that what he said was true, work had been crazy ever since he’d returned from vacation, and he hadn’t been feeling well. He also told me that he was a little bummed out after visiting with his friend…

You see, she is a childhood friend — his best friend — and he met her girlfriend, who lives with her, and he said it just felt different, like he knows they’re going to get married, and he felt like his friendship would be different because of it.

To me, that was understandable, but wasn’t really making up for the weird way he’d been acting.

And then he really said it…

He told me that while he was out of town, he had a visit with his ex girlfriend.


Oddly, I knew she lived in the city he was visiting, because on our first date, I asked him about his last serious relationship. He told me that he dated this girl for a year, and he got a job offer 15,000 miles away. She looked for jobs in the same city, got one, and moved there. When he started packing his boxes, his job fell through…

So now she lives there (has lived there for a year) and he lives here.

I don’t know if that was the first time they saw each other since all of that happened, and I don’t know if they tried the whole long-distance thing.

What he told me was that they met up, and she told him that she hated her boyfriend (umm, ok) and she decided that since she was never going to find love, she was just going to focus on her career.

Dear God.

He said he felt guilty. Really guilty.

He also said he wasn’t even going to tell me about it because, “it isn’t a big deal, she lives 15,000 miles away…” but obviously it was a big enough deal for him to act weird toward me.

Really, that was a week ago and it was the last time we talked. He ignored my text in the following days afterward, and told our mutual friend who set up up that he “needed to call Lucky.”

He called me last night, and I didn’t answer it, because I’m trying to avoid that whole “It’s not you, it’s me” conversation… he left a voicemail, which said:

“Hey Lucky, it’s Matt. I wanted to touch base with you a little bit because I haven’t really been in contact. So, give me a call, or I’ll shoot you a text, and we’ll touch base then. Have a good night. Bye.”


Hey yooooo

Hey guys!

Sorry we haven’t written in awhile! That blogging challenge did us IN.

Me and G are both alive, I think we are both just swamped at work (can you believe it)!!

I just wanted to stop by and say that our tweets for bashing The Bachelor are still alive and real, so join us tonight @Cocktailsattiff and/or under #TheBachelor

See y’all there! xoxo.

20. If you were on death row, what would your last meal be?


There is a restaurant that USED to be near my mom’s house….15 hours away.

They had delicious food. I’ve always known my last meal would be a meal from there…which makes me sound like a sick criminal. Here’s what I would have:

–Bread with olive tapinade

–Angel hair pasta with garlic, tomatoes, and shrimp


–And a bottle or two of Two Hands Zinfandel


If I’m on death row I’m not making it to the chair to get electrocuted. I’m going to kill myself by eating too much food before that can ever even happen.

My death row meal would be:

  • the petite filet and mashed potatoes from Flemmings
  • the buffalo chicken ranch wrap with buffalo chips and cheese (ranch on the side) and bud light lime from buffalo wild wings
  • a plain hamburger, fries, a chocolate milkshake, 3 chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of ketchup from mcdonalds
  • a spicy chicken sandwich, fries, a diet coke, and a bottle of ketchup from wendys
  • sushi and edamame, lots of it and a bottle of good red wine
  • 3 crunchy tacos, 2 orders of nachos, and a diet pepsi from taco bell

I think that about covers it. #fatass 

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19. What is a typical day in the life of you like?


Oh, like this is going to be interesting…

If it’s a Monday, then I usually wakeup around 5 am, brush my teeth, put on workout clothes, pack a bag of makeup, work clothes, and lunch, and I drive across town to do the 6:15 kickboxing class.

At around 7:15, I take a quick shower, and text my trainer to join me. Around 7:20, he joins me in the shower and we fuck until about 7:45.

Then he leaves and I get ready for work. At 8:30 I get to work, get a cup of coffee, and print off reports for the morning full of meetings ahead.

From 9-11, I’m sitting in meetings. Then I send a few emails, spin around in my chair, and eat my lunch.

In the afternoon, I usually work on freelance or look for freelance jobs or watch old episodes of Jimmy Fallon while I chat with Gizzy on Facebook.

After work, I usually get a spray tan or run errands or something equally lame … and chances are, when I get home, I do freelance or watch tv and dread going to work the next day.


My alarm usually starts going off at 7:15. Every day I reset it to 7:30, when that goes off I hit snooze until 7:40. Then I lay in bed looking at facebook, instagram, and twitter until 7:50 or thereabouts. Then I get up and cuss myself for not getting up at 7:15 when my “wakey wakey so you can get up and werk” alarm went off, because now I have to be at work in 10 minutes and still need to wash my face, walk the dog, put on my eye wrinkle creams, brush my teeth, and find something to wear. Fuck makeup and doing my hair, I work with all women.

About 8:30 I usually roll into work, 30 minutes late. I check emails, do financial reports, attend the occasional meeting, check facebook twitter instagram and hayday about 50 times each, and read some news articles until lunchtime.

At 12:15 every day I have an argument with myself inside my head about whether I should go home for lunch and let the dog out or if I should just order something in and sit at my desk.  Because if I leave then I have to worry about finding a parking spot when I get back and it’s cold out and qdoba and jimmy johns always sounds good and both deliver.

By 1:30 I’m usually back to work chatting on facebook with Lucky.  Which I do all afternoon while watching the clock tick.  At 4:59 I pack up my shit and wait at the door like a kid in school waiting for the bell to ring.

I’m usually home by 5:10, take the dog for a walk, lay around and watch tv until I get hungry and make dinner, then I watch some more tv.  Sometimes I work out or run. I take a shower and dry my hair, then I go to bed.


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18. A motto/quote/lyric that you live by and what it means to you.



I have so many quotes and lyrics that mean so much to me, but of course, some that stand out more than others.

“The rock candy’s melted, only diamonds now remain,”—John Mayer, Clarity

This is a line from one of my favorite John Mayer songs, and I love this line, particularly the second part of it (which I’m considering getting tattooed on me). To me, it just means you’re done with the candy-coated stuff and the only thing that’s left is the real thing. I always want my life to be real, I want the people in it to be real and true.


I have a lot tooooooo.  But the one that I think I go by the most is:

“When you know, you know.”

A lot of people think this is about finding a spouse, but it’s not at all.  At least for me. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I get pretty strong premonitions about certain things.  A lot of them are about relationships, but I even had one once as I was leaving my parent’s house for a quick errand about my cat dying.  The cat was an outdoor cat and would come inside only at night to sleep.  When I pulled out of the driveway I saw the cat in the middle of the field accross the street and said to myself that I should chase him down and put him inside, which was something I had never done before, but I didn’t do it. When I got home 15 minutes later my neighbor was shoveling my cat into a box off of the street because it had been run over by a car and killed.  So, I’ve been reminding myself of this quote for a while now that when I get these feelings I need to go with them.  Because when you know, you know!

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