Tag Archives: 100 guys

You are cordially invited to me and myself’s wedding, at taco bell.

What if I told you I might have a teeny tiny crush on the guy that works at the taco bell drive thru? I’m still trying to figure out if he is 18 (and because of this he is not on the 100 list.)  So if this is the last post you ever get from me you can count on it being because Chris Hansen came to my house and I got arrested for statutory rape or some shit.

So it’s not that the taco bell drive thru guy is so hot that I feel the need to go there every day and get grade e beef tacos, because honestly he’s kind of greasy, he is just really, really nice. I’m sure the feeling will pass but for the time being I have never met a guy so nice.  I pull up to the 2nd drive thru window and he’s all, “Hey I’m really sorry about your wait, how about some free cinnamon twists for your trouble?” I’m not going to pass up free cinnamon twists, you’ve gotta be crazy to do such a thing.  So I take the twists, then he offers me a free soda, ok I’ll take the soda.  I am eating taco bell after all, what’s the extra 400 calories and 55 grams of sugar going to do to me? Actually, it’ll probably give me diabetes, but oh well.

So while I’m sitting there waiting on my fiesta taco salad with no beans (remember kids, beans beans the magical fruit the more you eat the more you TOOOOOT, don’t want none that!) he asks if I’m cold because I had just gotten off work and was dressed like a hooker.  I tell him no I just got off work, like he is expected to know what I do for a semi-living.  Bless his little heart, he asks if I’m a nurse or something.  I tell him that I do liquor promotions and he’s all, ohh so you’re a saleswoman and I giggle and say “tehehe yaa,” THEN, he hands me my bag and says, “Here you go, you have a great night and please drive safely.”  Are those not the nicest things you’ve ever heard?! He was so genuine about it too!! Drive safely! I think most drive thru people would wish me to NOT drive safely after I give them the stink eye for not saying a damned word to me.  Except the guy who runs the McDonalds drive thru cash register, he always tells me to have a “McFabulous day”  I also think he’s gay.  But anyway, this guy was honest to god really sorry that I had to wait on those goons in the kitchen to make my food, even though it was literally like 3 minutes and I’ve waited longer for a glass of ice water before.

Clearly it’s very difficult to impress me, which is why I’m so confused on why more guys don’t give it a shot.  Really, I would be happy if a guy I was dating asked how my day was.  I honestly don’t think it’s ever happened.  Assholes.  ***I’m just going to interrupt myself right here and change the subject because I can already feel that this is starting to get a little too “poor single me.” And I really don’t think anyone wants to see that come out.

Instead I’ll tell everyone about how I took myself on a second date in my car last night.  Second dates are a little more comfortable where we let down our hair and show a couple of our true colors. We relax, you know eat somewhere that might make us look unattractive (see: Cheeburger Cheeburger, big IS better) and watch a movie we’ve already seen.  Last night I took myself to KFC, I splurged, and got the 2 piece chicken meal with 2 sides (mac n cheese and mashed potato, extra starch please!) a biscuit and a large pepsi because it was a second date celebration. I also finished watching When In Rome, and may have pretended Josh Duhamel was on the date with me instead of myself. Instead of sitting up straight in the front seat in that awkward first date fashion I laid down in the backseat, time to get a little more cozy and cuddle up, with myself. I think it’s getting serious, I really like spending time with myself.  We get along so well, there’s no fighting, no debate over what restaurant to go to, what movie to watch, who gets what side of the bed, and most important of all – I would NEVER cheat on myself.  I think I may finally be in the perfect relationship, we’re really happy.  So, hey everyone, save the date!

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Taylor Swift can go to hell.

I’m so sick of Taylor Swift pissing me off. I swear she does it like every day (yes, I party everyday….OoOo crank dat soldier boy!).

You see, I used to like Taylor Swift a little bit. I don’t listen to much country music, but she had a few songs I liked. Then, I was dating my disgusting trashy cheating bastard ex, who liked Taylor Swift. I remember this conversation going down one night after the bars:

“Is it gay that I like Taylor Swift?” he asked. “She sings my soul.”

“You’re a faggot,” I said.

Ever since we broke up, I can’t stand to hear Taylor Swift. It also gets on my nerves when she acts like every time she performs, she just CANNOT believe how many fans she has. Like, you’re not an idiot, you make a sweet living off millions of fans, so quit acting like you don’t know it. And also, get over the Kanye thing. It happened a year ago. So stop writing songs about it and walking around barefoot when you sing them, K?

So I’m in the grocery yesterday, trying to be sally homemaker, when I see this:

That’s right, Taylor Swift makes greeting cards, using her lyrics to wish you sympathy over your cat’s death, job loss, or hell, a happy fucking birthday.

So yeah, Taylor Swift can go to hell.

As for the 100 guys project, I was more concentrated on getting sloppy drunk this weekend, so I only have one to report.

#4

Age: 29

Description: Average height, short dark hair sort of like the guy from King of Queens, a little chubby, dressed as Top Gun, wearing aviators.

Fun fact: sang a really good karaoke version of Regulators. It was kinda hot.

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Guys #1, #2, #3 – Day 1

Well I had to work last night, so I’m guessing Lucky had better luck than I did on the whole meet 100 guys challenge.  I knocked 3 out today with The Captain present.  Honestly though, I should probably just use these 3 as practice because they really pooped on the party, what I’m trying to say is they were no Kelsey Grammer.

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#1

Age: 26

Description: Slightly overweight, balding, pale, and weird (basically everything I hate in life, See: Devil) but, liked me enough to ask me awkward questions for 2 hours and keep me company while The Captain and Captain’s Crystal were at each other’s throats whilst we promoted The Product. Literally, this convo happened:

Captains Crystal: CAPTAIN, I FUCKING HATE YOU WHEN YOU’RE IN CHARACTER.

I snicker to myself: In character! heheheheeee

The Captain: Ok! Ok! It’s cool, I’m cool you’re cool, Gizzy’s cool, we’re all good here.

Me: In character! AHHHHHHHHHHAAHAHAHAHA

Captain’s Crystal: YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING PISSING. ME. OFF. GO SELL SOME BOTTLES!!!!!!!!

So I moved over to the wine isle and snapped all the little Torres Wine action figures off the bottles and made them have a rodeo around the Four Loko.


Anyway, back to #1…

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Liquor Store Clerk (He only gets a 10% discount, not enough for me to go on a pity date to get some discounted booze)

Fun Fact: Secretly gets drunk in the bathroom while he’s at work. (Maybe we are soul mates?)

Did I give him my number: No … Was this a mistake? Maybe, I mean, the booze.. NO NO IT WAS NOT, DEVIL.

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#2

Age: 22

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

Description: Medium height, medium build, dark hair, cute

Occupation: Student, The Captain’s Assistant (We work together as of tonight)

Fun Fact: He thinks everything is lame and doesn’t get excited easily

Did I give him my number? Yes, for work.  Obvi

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#3

Age: 34

Description: Short, cute, tan, dark hair, aggressive, drunk

Relationship Status: Married Separated (Still means married to me)

Occupation: Works for Budweiser

Fun Fact: Thinks I look “Absolutely Fabulous.” (<— might be gay? Reason for the separation?)

Did I give him my number?: FUUUUCK NO but maybe I should have because, the booze. This is going to be my weak point in this project, if a guy offers me anything for free I’m going to snap off my tear-away underwear and lay down like a real jew in the starfish position.

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Sorry I don’t have better stories to report. But, the good ones will come when I am drunk, trust me.  And when I say “good” I mean good for you because anything for me when I am drunk is an absolute train wreck waiting to happen.  It usually occurs when I pronounce I am drunk and push myself  to take that 1 last shot.  At that point it’s like I’m running around with my eyes closed licking whatever I run into.

Anyway, we had 3 hours between events this evening and when The Captain asked me to hang out for that little Captain Break, if you will, I told him I had plans.  He was pretty taken aback, I mean I know it’s no surprise that Lucky is my only friend but I had a hot date planned, with myself.

First, I drove to the nearest blockbuster I could find, rented myself the girliest movie I could find (When In Rome ahh Josh Duhamel, my love) no big deal, then I went to a steakhouse ordered myself a steak, salad, baked potato, and rolls, to go, got in my car went to the grocery bought plastic forks and knives, A1 for the steak, and a bottle of water, still no big deal.  I parked in a parking lot and watched my movie on the portable dvd player I had packed ahead of time and ate myself a steak dinner. No big deal!  If I would have thought to bring a candle and some wine I would’ve had sex with myself in the backseat. I am so good at dates.  Not to mention I was still dressed in full Morganette attire-red lace up corset, fishnets, short black skirt, knee high boots, the usual. Yep, role play. No big deal. With a show of hands how many people feel sorry for me because I’m a loser?

Anybody? It’s cool, it was nbd.

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