Tag Archives: 2010

Pish posh

It’s Monday at 11:30pm and I just invented beer bongs for Barbie’s, then bonged a beer out of it myself.

Has anyone been keeping up on that MTV show, I Used to be Fat? No? Well, I have! And it’s amazing.  I don’t have anything against fat people, I’ll probably be one someday.  But the people on it make me want to punch them sometimes.  I’m not going to go all, ohhh what the fuck do they expect when they sit around eating cheeseburgers and tootsie rolls all day? Because I sit around and eat cheeseburgers and tootsie rolls all day.  They piss me off because when they sign up for the show they know some ex-army lieutenant is going to be training them and he is going to kick their ass and when he does they whine about it.

This past week Marci used to be fat.  In the beginning we hear Marci’s sob story about how she gets made fun of and can’t shop at regular stores because she’s fat.  Then we meet her trainer Justin, an ex-military hoorah guy.

Day 1 Justin makes Marci want to kill herself.  She threatens to puke on the treadmill if he doesn’t give her a break, so he does and she goes and lies down on the nasty gym bathroom floor.  Justin goes all daddy on her and says, “Don’t make me tell you to get up off of that floor again.  If I have to, I’m leaving and you can stay FAT!” Way to put it plain and simple J-Bone.  Knock her self esteem down 1 last time before she shreds all those pounds.

The next day Justin set up a boot camp outside for Marci, and for about 5 seconds, she sounded like my 6 year old sister, “I don’t want to be outside! I promise if we go inside I won’t complain.  Wahhhhh!!” And Justin had to go into daddy mode on her again, “Well sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to in life.” So Marci whined a while longer but made it through day 2 of boot camp.

Marci had 89 days to lose 90 pounds and she did it, so great for her.  She got some dresses, one that was pretty skank-a-lish and almost showed her coooookaaa (Jersey Shore term for you.) After her final weigh in, Justin tells her how proud he is and how he never thought she could do it because the first day he walked in and she was “sitting in her bed with food all around her looking fat and disgusting.”  This guy really knows how to sugar coat it.  And all is right with the world because Marci is skinny and Justin got a 3 month long power trip.

Anyway, it’s 2 days until the big move and I’m no closer to having a home and no closer to being packed.  At all.  Does anyone want to come be my roommate? I’ve tried convincing Lucky but I don’t think she is taking me seriously.   I’m starting to get a little more nervous about it all.  Pretty much none of my friends are that excited that I’m moving to the city.  They’re all, “Ohh yeah lets get some dinner and drinks next week.”  So chances are I’m going to be sitting in my bed alone every weekend (just like I do now) writing blogs about guys I wish I was getting (Neal Bledsoe.)  WHICH BY THE WAY, I have a way better chance of getting now that I am moving to the city.  Not that he’ll ever be in my city, but it’s a big one and the chances are better.  I’ll have to keep up on my Neal Bledsoe creepy so I know if he’s ever in town.  God, I’m such a stalker.  It would be totally acceptable if he were a real celebrity.  But he’s not, so I fully expect a restraining order.

Anyway, my work friends threw me a going away party on Friday and I nearly cried, no one has ever thrown me a party.  I haven’t had a birthday party since I was 10 years old.  They had a cake, a picture of the cake I was supposed to get with penguins on it but I didn’t get it because the guy that was supposed to pick it up called in sick, a t-shirt, and people I didn’t even think cared about my well being (the salesmen) were coming in from their sales calls early to wish me good luck in the big city and give me their emails so that I could keep in touch.  Here I found all of these people that give a shit about me and now I’m leaving.  I’m pretty sad about it.  I cried, twice.

I was talking to Anth yesterday about who he hangs out with on the weekends because my ideal goal is to move to the city and have a How I Met Your Mother group of friends to hang with.  Anth could be Barney, I could be Lily (because she gets married), and then there’s still 3 openings.  But he told me he hangs out with people we went to college with.  Gross.

That was one of my main reasons for not moving to the city earlier.  It’s like SHIT U all over again.  SHIT U is about 100 miles south of the city so with each graduating class they ship bus loads of them up there.  And the last thing I want to do is relive college.

I liked college, but the few close friends I have in the city hang out with a bunch of douchers.  Douchers=frat boys and sorority whores.  I have nothing against them, but every time I go to visit and have to be in the same room as them I want to kill myself and it is NOT a good time.  They’re just pretty lame.  Doing exactly what you would expect, shooters and picking up anything with a vagina or penis.  It’s really annoying.

At this point in my life I’m really looking for some quality friends.  I need friends who want to eat food before we go out drinking.  Not purge before we go out drinking.  Spanks but no spanks.

Can we start placing bets on how long it will be before I’m back at home hanging out with my sister getting sugar drunk on chocolate milk on the weekends?  I give myself 2 months.

 

P.S. Black Swan looks scary as eff.

P.P.S.  Did everyone see Ron Ron on the Xenadrine commercial? AHHHHAHAHA AND he’s on the website:

Ron Ron also has his own website, complete with fan club.  Which we are members of.  There’s a section where you can “book” Ron Ron for an event.  I’m half tempted to see how much it is to book him to write a blog for us.  I wonder if they charge extra for making him think.  Hmm…

“My GTL routine just got even better.  XGTL baby – Xenadrine.  Gym.  Tan.  Laundry.” – Ron Ron

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It’s Amateur Night!

Wednesday, after a day of eating fast food and napping, I got really productive when I watched season 1 of The Hills on dvd. As stupid as I’m going to sound, I really miss watching it on TV. No matter how many times I’ve seen them, the episodes never get old.

If you recall, season one is pre-everything. Lauren is dating Jason, Heidi is dating Jordon and hasn’t even met Spencer yet, and Audrina is not with Justin-Bobby. When season one was on TV, I thought LC was so stupid for letting Jason treat her the way he did. But now, I realize she was only 20, and when I was 20, I dated a douche, too.

Once that was over, I was attempting to finish a freelance deadline, but I kept getting distracted by TLC and their damn awesome shows—Extreme Couponing, My Strange Addiction, and of course, Toddlers and Tiaras.

Pretty sure Buttons was disgusted with me when I told her I was way too excited for the season premiere that night. I’m sorry, but that shit is funny. So, at the Gizzy’s request, a recap of the Toddlers and Tiara’s season premiere.

Ah, beautiful Arizona. This is where we meet twin contestants Scarlet and Bella, 1 year olds. Already, my mind is boggled. A one-year-old doesn’t know shit, doesn’t do anything BUT shit, so why are we putting them in pageants? Well, we meet the mom. A tatooed, botoxed, lip-injected wannabe, who really just has nowhere else to put her money. She said she’s already put more than a quarter of a million dollars into her girls’ pageant career.

Umm, ok.

Next, we meet 8-year-old Danielle, which I’ve pretty sure has been featured on a previous season. She’s got a fat mom, who just lives vicariously through her competitive, bratty daughter. I mean, this girl is kind of scary just because of how big a bitch she is at such a young age.

She says she doesn’t believe in beauty sleep, because she’s always beautiful, and if she doesn’t win the competition, she will trash the hotel room.

Next is Mackenzie, from Louisiana, a 4-year-old who was featured on last season. This girl is a huge brat, but honestly, that southern accent just melts my heart.

Check it out:

The twins and mommy prep for the pageant by going into the “princess closet,” a room in the house dedicated to 70 tutu dresses, each costing $1500-$2000. Yep. The dad is an optomologist. Call me crazy, but I had no idea they made that kind of money. I mean, these people have a private jet for Christ’s sake!

Meanwhile, Danielle’s mom spends forever waxing Danielle’s eyebrows and Mackenzie meets up with her pageant coach for a glitz photo shoot, where she naturally throws a temper tantrum.

Danielle and her mom practice walking in the living room, and danielle practices her dance wearing the same outfit as the Chiquita naner lady. All is going great. until the pile of faux fruit falls off her head.

Dun, dun, dun!!!

Danielle runs of and cries, telling the camera that she hates when the fruit falls off, because then she isn’t perfect. Moving along, she gets her nails done and a spray tan, and even though she hates wearing makeup (because she doesn’t need it) she does it anyway.

What a little angel.

From there, all of the girls head to the pageant, which has a 50’s theme. After they all do their thing, it’s time for crowning—the most intense part of the show. In the baby category, Bella is the first runner up, while Scarlett is the high-point winner. In the 4-5 year olds, Mackenzie got second runner up, and in the junior category, Danielle got the Jr. Miss Queen title and the Sweetheart title (HOW?!).

But the overall winner, the Grand Supreme, was Scarlett. The baby. What the fuck? The twins’ mom was saying they put so much time and money into the pageants because of the money you win, but they only won $1000…I mean that doesn’t cover anything.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to be somewhat productive on my week off, which has included putting a slew of old books on Amazon. During my search for books, I came across my copy of The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex.

I think it’s time for a random tip, you know, for the New Year.

HOW TO DETERMINE IF YOUR DATE IS AN AXE MURDERER

1. Watch for the following:

  • A Caucasian male in his twenties or thirties
  • Obsession with fire or matches
  • Cruelty to animals
  • History of bed-wetting
  • Sexually abused as a child
  • Middle-class background combined with loner behavior
  • Difficulty maintaining relationships

An individual who exhibits more than three of these traits may be dangerous.

2. Trust your intuition

Your instinct is a powerful weapon. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

3. Check him out officially

Obtain his social security number and investigate him. Call the Federal Prison Locator Service (202.307.3126) to determine if he was ever incarcerated. Many online companies can aid in financial reports or tracking down previous addresses. You may also want to enlist the services of a private detective.

4. If you discover grounds for suspicion, break off the relationship immediately

Be clear and definite about your decision. Return all of his belongings and gifts. Do not make promises to keep in touch. Be straightforward and kind, and talk only about yourself and why the relationship no longer works for you. Do not blame him. Try not to make him angry.

5. Take steps to maintain your safety:

  • Carry a cell phone
  • Install a home security system
  • Change your phone numbers
  • Stay near populated, well-lit areas
  • Apprise a friend or relatie of your concern
  • Document any strange of unusual happenings
  • Take a personal safety/self-defense class

There, now you know.

So I suppose you’re all dying to know what is Lucky doing tonight, on the Night of Amateurs? I am proudly staying in tonight. I’ve stayed in the last two years on this night, because I fucking hate it with a passion. But, for the first time ever, I’m actually excited to order some takeout and watch some TV (Andy Cooper and Kathy Griffin? Yes. Watch What Happens Live? Yes.) and get drunk without the fear of a DUI. A thank you very much!

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