Tag Archives: advice

3rd times a charm?

I should warn you that if you’re looking for some LOLZ today, this is not the place for you.  I’m about to get into some tres heavy shit.  However, I would appreciate all of your advice 🙂 love yas!

Remember my friend Betty, the one who tried to eff things up with HSC while inadvertainly making me feel good about my own life because hers is so messed up? The saga continues…

Wednesday after work I came home to find a text from Betty, “I started drinking at 4 with browniesp.”  I wrote back saying, “Huh? Why are you drinking with brownies.” And she called.

Before I even had time to say hello she said, “Do you have a beer in your hand? Cause you might want to get one. I’m about to drop a bomb on you.” A phrase that is all too familiar coming from Betty.  Knowing I would need it, I grabbed a beer from the fridge and told her to drop away.

She started by saying her and her boyfriend’s credit wasn’t approved for the house they are trying to buy.  But they only needed to improve it by 40 points and then they could get it with no problem, her plan was to have her ex husband take her off accounts she didn’t sign off on that he had delinquent payments for.  “Then my credit will go up, and we can get it.”  Being the financial connoisseur that I am, I know that it will take years to get those things off her credit report.  But I had a feeling that wasn’t the giant bomb so I agreed and let her lie to herself that they’d be able to buy it before the summer.

Then she proceeds to tell me that her boyfriend told her he had been looking at rings, planned to buy one, and was going to propose this spring when they took a trip to the West Coast.  So my response? “Wow, why would he tell you that, it should be a surprise!” Her response? “Well, mother fucker got me knocked up.” Then the conversation continued as follows:

Gizzy: What, what, what? Oh my god.  Oh my god. Oh my god.

Betty: Yeah, we were going to get married in a few weeks.  But, I’m drunk right now, so obviously I’m not keeping it.  Oh and it’s twins. So now we’re thinking this summer.

Gizzy: Oh my god.  Twins? Oh my god.  Oh my god.  Oh my god.  Oh my god.

Betty: Yeah, we decided that we want to buy a house and travel.  I want to do things right this time, you know get married THEN have a baby.  Traveling and getting a house just seems like more fun.

Then, you know the conversation when on a little more and I just kept saying oh my god. 

While I was talking to her I couldn’t really process what was going on and it took talking to Lucky about it to calm me down and really get a grasp on what was happening.

A little backstory that I’ve never mentioned during any of Betty’s drama.  This will be Betty’s 3rd abortion, and she has 1 child.  Back in college she had her first, then she had her second when her and her now ex-husband were on the rocks and her daughter was a little over a year old, and then now she’s going to have another one because she wants to have fun.  When she had the first two she didn’t tell me about it until after the procedure was over.  The first time I was the only person that knew, other than her parents and the baby’s father.  With the second, she told me, her husband, and one other friend.  But this time she said other than her boyfriend I am the only one she’s telling.

I told Lucky all about it, how it didn’t seem to really have an impact on Betty at all.  She didn’t seem upset or worried, she was just kind of whatever about it.  It also didn’t seem as though Betty had thought it all the way through.  Having an abortion is just always the solution to her and she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. 

Don’t get me wrong, both Lucky and I are pro-choice.  It’s her body, her family, she can do what she wants and I will support her.  But it becomes a problem when she is doing it excessively.  And she is. 

Instead of using birth control, she just gets an abortion.  She’s told me numerous times that she doesn’t want to be on birth control because it makes her crazy and fat.  Which to me, is no excuse, especially since there are many alternative birth control methods to the pill that don’t make you crazy and fat, like OH condoms.  But you know what, I’m not here to lecture, she is a grown ass woman and obviously knows that sex makes babies.

Anyway, I was telling Lucky that since I am the only person she is telling about this and I assume that I am the only person that knows about all 3 abortions, I feel like it’s my responsibility to say something and ask her, how are you going to make sure this doesn’t happen again?  Since obviously having to go through this awful procedure isn’t enough to knock some sense into her, I’ll have to do it.

Lucky brought up a good point, that clearly Betty doesn’t realize the risks associated with having an abortion, let alone 3, and childbirth.  Sure, right now she is fertle mertle, but what about after she has this procedure done?  Her and her boyfriend DO want to have children someday.  But what if this is it?  Things go wrong, and abortion procedures are shady, she may not be able to have children after this.  It doesn’t seem like the thought of not being able to get pregnant has occurred to her, simply because she has been pregnant 4 times and is only 26.

I also find it hard to believe she doesn’t really want the babies. She was just telling me not 2 months ago that her and her boyfriend were talking about having kids.  She wanted want now (back then) and he wanted to wait, so they were waiting.  I can see that she is probably afraid he will up and leave her in the middle of the night (which is what I told Lucky not a week ago before I knew about any of this would probably happen) and then she’ll be left with a 4 year old and twin babies.  So maybe she is letting him make the call because she doesn’t want to lose him.  I honestly don’t know. 

What I do know is that I can’t sit here and let her do this for a 3rd time without making sure she has really thought it through. 

Let me be straight here, I am not trying to change her mind or talk her out of anything, I’m not here to judge her or be anything but supportive – but for the sake of my friend, her family, her unborn children, and my own mental health I want to make sure she really knows what she’s doing.  I know that if I say the wrong thing to her or come at her with the wrong attitude this could be the end of our friendship, so I am really thinking about this before I say anything.

Any advice, concerns, personal stories anyone has that will help please feel free to share.  I know it’s a touchy subject, so if you’d like to share something privately feel free to send us an email cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com.  I appreciate all the advice I can get!


Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Amazon is trying to kill me.

Hello all! I promise Gizzy & I are getting back to our regular postings, it has taken me awhile to get back into the swing of things after that delicious Turkey Day break. I promise we won’t be getting off-track for anymore holidays, because my family hates me and is ditching me for Christmas and Gizzy cancelled our New Year’s Eve trip to Party City. So I will be at home for the rest of my life, putting bricks of cocaine on a golden scale labeled: reasons my life sucks hard, reasons I shouldn’t kill myself. But anyway…

I stayed home sick yesterday, so today is my first day back in Loserville. And it sucks, bad. But that’s not what I’m here to discuss today. It’s time I talk about Amazon.

Really, I’m not that much into Amazon. I think, in my entire life, I’ve only ordered five things from Amazon. One of them being one of those straight blade razors (the old fashioned kind) for my then-boyfriend last Christmas. I changed my mind and sent it back, even though it was pretty cool.

Other than that, I’ve bought a few books. But despite my scarcity among the pages of Amazon, they still think they know me. I was surfing around on the site Sunday night, hoping for some good deals on Cyber Monday. So, I clicked on Amazon’s “recommendations” for me. They are as follows:

1. Apathy and Other Small Victories by Paul Neilan

Shane has a monotonous temp job at an insurance agency, where he is supposed to alphabetize paperwork but instead spends his time sleeping on the toilet. After work, he is besieged by a gallery of grotesques: a vapid girlfriend who sexually brutalizes him; an absurdly macho neighbor with a leather-clad guinea pig for a sex slave; and his dentist’s deaf assistant, who sings atonal karaoke, teaches him to sign obscenities and furnishes a wispy narrative thread by getting murdered.

Out of all the recommendations for me, this one sounds so fucked up I might just have to order it.

2. Men Are Better Than Women by Dick Masterson

Through a process of exhaustive man research he calls “keeping his eyes open,” Dick Masterson has compiled a Magnum-size list of the ways men are better than women. It is an infallible compendium of man’s greatness, filled with the most egregiously fallacious arguments ever put to words, but with some kind of miraculous, rock-solid man logic dripping like motor oil from every sentence.

“By Dick Masterson”? Really?

3. The Modern Drunkard by Frank Kelly Rich

Attempting to deconstruct America’s joyless obsession with sobriety, The Modern Drunkard offers today’s befuddled drinkers a comprehensive and instructive manual on how to drink-and how to do it well.

Excuse me, Amazon, but I think I have this covered.

4. Faking It: How to Seem Like a Better Person Without Actually Improving Yourself by the writers of College Humor

The prevaricating pros who helped students glide through seven years of college in The CollegeHumor Guide to College are back to show post-grads how to turn life into an “Easy A” by, well, faking it. From sounding like an MBA to bribing the ma”tre d’ to acting sensitive post-sex, here is everything aspiring equivocators need to know to B.S. their way to success in the real world. As the authors remind readers: “The important thing isn’t who you are; it’s who other people think you are.”

At first, I thought this sounded like a book I needed, but really, I think I’m too lazy to fake anything.

5. The Complete Asshole’s Guide to Handling Chicks by Karl Marks

Ever wonder why the a**hole always gets the girl? The answers are all here in this cradle-to-grave primer outlining how women can be manipulated, frustrated, and ultimately dominated through-out the course of a man’s life.

Apparently Amazon thinks I have a dick, and that I have no success with dating and sex of any sort. They’ve got half of it correct!

6. Death and Dying: Life and Living by Charles A. Corr, Clyde M. Nabe, and Donna M. Corr

Practical and inspiring, this best-selling book helps you learn to cope with encounters with death, dying, and bereavement. The authors integrate classical and contemporary material, present task-based approaches for individual and family coping, and include four substantial chapters devoted to death-related issues faced by children, adolescents, adults, and the elderly.

What. The. Fuck?

7. A Practical Guide to Racism by C.H.Dalton

A Practical Guide to Racism contains sparkling bits of wisdom on such subjects as:
• The good life enjoyed by blacks, who shuffle through life unhindered by the white man’s burdens, such as reverse racism and white slavery, to become accomplished athletes, rhymesmiths, and dominoes champions.
• The sad story of the industrious, intelligent Jews, whose entire reputation is sullied by their unfortunate taste for the blood of Christian babies.
• A close look at the bizarre, sweet-smelling race known as “women,” who are not good at anything— especially ruling the free world.

I bet DDM is just eating this up with a spoon like Christmas puddin at Bob Cratchet’s home. I’m not a fucking racist, okay?!?!?!

In conclusion, Amazon thinks I am a male, fresh out of college who has no knowledge of interacting with other humans, no idea on how to drink or get laid by the proper slut. I’m clearly a racist and terrified of death and would enjoy reading novels about men sleeping on toilets.


As promised, here are the pictures from the football game in our Fruit of the Loom costumes:

That would be Buttons, as the grapes, Gizzy as an Apple with her worm puppet, and yours truly as the naner.

Me and Buttons, sloppy drunk. That whole costume-around-the-face thing really sucked, I will say. It made me laugh that everyone understood our theme, even though there is no naner in the Fruit of the Loom bunch—it’s an apple, two bunches of grapes, and a set of leaves. So, all day I kept feeling like this character from the 90’s Nickelodeon cartoon:

I totally wished I had a pair of those banana shoes!

If you haven’t read our first L, G, & SG advice column below, please do! Give our girl some advice…and if you got a problem (Yo! I’ll solve it!) shoot us an e-mail at: cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,