Tag Archives: africa

Shark Week… can attack everyone!

First, I must say that I am considering offering an etiquette/how to not be a lazy slob class to my co-workers.  Riddle me this friends, if I can HEAR you coming toward my desk from the copy room because you don’t pick your feet up when you walk, does that make you feel good about yourself? Do you think you’re a good person because you drag your feet?  I don’t.  I know, dragging your feet has nothing to do with being a good person, but it really pisses me off.

We’ll call this individual K-Money… because… I want to.   Not only does K-Money drag her feet everywhere she walks, she’s a mumbler and TALKS in short hand.   Maybe she really doesn’t talk in short hand, I just can’t understand her so I have to ask her what every word means so that I understand what she is trying to say.   She’s not the only one that drags her feet though.  I also work with an old asian man who tries to convince me on the daily to come live in his house, but he does it too.  Like is that what happens when you get old? You drag your feet and try to adopt out of towners as your children?

Anyway, just needed to get that off my chest because it’s been driving me nuts for about the past 7 months.

So, on to shark week.  Yesterday Lucky informed us all that she doesn’t get the big hooplah over Shark Week and thinks we’re lame for loving it.

Personally, I love Shark Week because any other time of the year when you watch the discovery channel you’re watching really boring shit.  Like how grasshoppers mate (actually, I’d like to see that…but you get it sharks > grasshoppers). 

I didn’t really become obsessed with sharks or Shark Week until last summer when I had my run in with a barracuda (a type of shark).  ALSO, while on that trip I rode a scooter around the bottom of the ocean, saw a few sharks, and pissed my pants. 

I’m going to Hawaii over Christmas with my family and have already begun to look in to where I want to take surf lessons.  So I watched the Shark Week specials Monday night where Sharks were attacking surfers, divers, and beach goers in Austrailia a few summers ago.  I learned some valuable tips – Go for the eyes and that was really it. 

I think everyone else loves Shark Week because Sharks eat people.  So I took the liberty of googling other animals that eat people.  There are a few that I would also like to see discovery channel dedicate an entire week to such as:

-Komodo Dragons

-Hyenas

-Driver Ants

I know what komodo dragons and hyenas are… but seriously, wtf is a driver ant.  You are not seriously telling me there are ants out there eating people.

Cocktails at Tiffany’s investigates…

-So they are found mostly in Africa (standard) and some Asian tropics

-They are also known as army ants, dorylus, or safari ants

-When they attack people it’s because they are short on food and form marching lines of up to 50,000,000 ants.  50 million!!!!!!!!!!

-They have stingers, but their bite is what kills

-They’re blind

-When they kill people they usually kill babies or the immobile (old people) and consume them.  ANTS… consuming people.  It’s true.

-The males are known as sausage flies.  HAHA

-Africans use them as emergency sutures.  When they receive a gash they make the ant clamp down on the wound with their jaws and then rip the body off. 

That’s about it.  I hope everyone keeps this in mind when traveling to Africa.

So, in other news… I had to go to the dentist yesterday and almost died.  Like for real, there was blood, I was unconcious, it was not fun, and I’ll never go back.

I went in a few weeks ago for a routine cleaning, told my dentist that I regularly had steak getting caught in between two of my molars (food trapping as they in the biz like to call it) and that I thought that one of them might be chipped.  So she takes a looksie and tells me that I have a filling in that tooth and part of it had come out so there was food stuck in the hole where the filling used to be.  Awesome.

So I schedule my appointment to get the filling redone for yesterday.  I show up they start numbing my mouth and in comes the dentist to tell me that the two teeth that I experience the food trapping between both have old fillings in them and it would be best for her to redo them both, because one of them is flat and ones round and it won’t cure the problem blah blah blah.  So I say ok, fork out another $200 for the second filling and think thats it. 

She gets in there with her drill and finds all kinds of problems, says that because there was food stuck INSIDE the tooth there are additional cavities within the same tooth and she’s going to have to do some “reconstructive” work on the tooth.

What it all boils down to is they had to put me out because I couldn’t handle it.  There was blood and I was swallowing blood and kept thinking I was going to barf so out I went. 

I woke up to find one large supertooth that now consumes what used to be 2 of my molars.  It still looks like 2 teeth, but they basically bonded them together and I can’t floss between them, nor will I ever experience “food trapping” in that area again.  So I guess problem solved.  But now I’m a freak with a giant tooth.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I couldn’t eat for the rest of the day and hadn’t eaten since about 10 am so I was starving, drunk on laughing gas, felt sick to my stomach, and couldn’t feel my face all at the same time.  Not to mention I bit my tongue so hard that it started gushing blood and didn’t realize it, because I couldn’t feel it.  None the less, I’m at work today and I’m alive.  Mission complete.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

HODGE PODGE!

I don’t really have any juicy stories to share but I have had a hodge podge of weird encounters today that need to be passed along.

First, I’ll just say I just went on a little drivey-poo to rock out to some B-O-B and as I was leaving I saw the guy pull up in the green silver racing stripe cavalier that I used to think was demon jack off poonanis.  When I wrote the first blog about poonanis I thought his roommate had moved out for the summer.  Well the squeaking and jacking off got to be too much so I moved my bed and tv into my roommates old room.  Turns out the roommate didn’t move out.  He is way quieter than poonanis so it’s an ideal situation.  But, when I saw the guy walking up the stairs I thought maybe it’s the roommate of poonanis?  YEP! And I heard him have sex last night.  I’ll just say this ladies, I don’t think we’re missing much.  It sounded like a jack rabbit bouncing around, if you get my drift.  Plus he’s short, the car, AND he’s from New York.  He just screams douchebag and looks like he could have some guido tendencies. We can watch Jersey Shore to get our fill on that bidness.

Next on the list is the conversation I heard happening when I left class this morning and I think it had a lot to do with how I spent my evening, looking for safari animals on google earth (just an fyi – google earth is not as clear in africa as it is in the US it was all pixely.  Such a disappointment!)  I’m not racist by any means but the color of their skin plays a huge role so I’m going to refer to them as black girl #1 and #2. Shit, I may be black for all you know.

Black girl #1: I can relate to care-e-beeeeyan (Caribbean) people because my mamaw is from the care-e-beeeeyan.  So I am a black care-e-beeeeyan African American woman and when people look at me they just think I am African American.  And I be like why don’t you just ax me where I be from? It really pissin’ me off cause I aint just African!

Black girl #2: Girl, I know how you be feelin’.  All dees white peoples think we all be comin’ from Africa.

THEN I see that Black girl #1 has a tattoo on her back, of Africa.  I wonder why people always think you’re from Africa tard banger.

Right before I witnessed this epic epiphany I was sitting in class texting co-blogger lucky about the ensemble my professor was wearing.  Let me set this up for you.  She is probably 27-29, I think she might be from somewhere in South America or she has a lisp.  She has massive curly hair with gnarly looking roots, we’re talking that her hair is naturally dark brown and at one time a long long time ago she had gotten a lot of blonde highlights.  But now they’re bronze and it looks BAAD.  She has shank like teeth and I counted yesterday in 1 class period she said, RIGHT, 385 times – in 1 hour.  So as you can imagine she’s a little out there, right? BAHA I kill myself.  Anyway, she has come in with some bad outfits but nothing like today I sat there the whole entire class period not listening and just repeatedly saying to myself, “she cannot think that looks good.”  She waltzes in and she’s got her big puffy hair pulled back in pigtails (not braided pigtails, don’t give her the benefit of the doubt, these were your standard pigtails) with two lavender scrunchies that were different shades of lavender.  We all remember in Sex and the City when Carrie and Berger almost broke up over a scrunchie comment don’t we?

A scrunchie is bad enough, but 2?! And different colors?!!!! So heading down she had on with her different colored scrunchies rose lipstick.  No other make up, just the scrunchies and the lipstick.  She had on a white button down with some lei jeans, remember from 7th grade?   And tennis shoes.  I desperately want to submit her to What Not to Wear, I think she would be a prime candidate.

In other news, things are on the ups with HOTTIE we were supposed to have a drink on his balcony tonight but poor me has too much work to do.   I mainly said no because it’s taking everything I have not to rip his clothes off when I see him every morning.  I think I’m going to have to hang out with him soon and make an attempt at self control or he’s going to think I’m not interested.  I need to get this while the gettin’ is good and before he finds out I’m 4 years older than him.

I decided that since I probably won’t talk about douchearoo that often I’ll make thirsty Thursday’s the day that I post the next email in the packet of douche I have collected.  We’ll call it Douchey Day for the time being.  TOMORROW IS DOUCHEY DAY!! Look forward to hearing about fellacio on the kitchen counter.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,