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Making the move

Since last week when I decided to give High School Crush the hypothetical ball and let him make the moves, I’ve felt uneasy about it.  Yeah, talking to him the past month has been awesome and was totally unexpected, but I know that if I don’t do something drastic to keep it going – it will really be over.  Sure, I could stick it out until next Christmas when I’ll probably run into him again. Then hope that next winter we follow the same pattern and actually take the next step of going on an actual date.  Or… I can do something about it now, risk him rejecting me, not following through with the plans, or flat out telling me that I’m a big fat loser that is still stuck in high school.  Or he could say yes and we could get married.  The possibilities are endless really.

But, before I could really put myself out there, I needed a little reassurance.  You know, I had to make sure I had all my chickens(?) ducks(?) poultry in a row.  I needed to get into a man’s state of mind to see if it was worth it.  I needed to ask Anth for advice.  So I did.  I was pleasantly surprised that his advice actually made me feel better about the situation, like HSC actually does like me and it’s not all just a ruse because he’s a nice guy.

So, I filled Anth in on all the gritty details. He came back at me saying that it seemed like if HSC and I didn’t live so far apart things would be progressing more than they are.  He reassured me by saying that because we live so far apart HSC definitely would not be wasting his time talking to me if he wasn’t interested, because there would be no point.  So I wanted to know why he wouldn’t ask me to hang out in the tri-state area and included that I didn’t think him suggesting we plan a trip to Vegas could be counted because it would never happen.   Anth shushed me and said that a guy suggesting taking a trip together is and I quote, “A big fucking deal” – well whatever, not if it never happens. 

Anyway, to make a long conversation that went round and round short, Anth suggested that I be straightforward and flat out tell him I want to hang out, because “Guys are stupid and don’t think about that stuff.”  He said him coming here or me going there for a weekend would be weird and add a lot of pressure as a second hangout (I agree), but that I needed to tell him I was serious in wanting to meet up in the city between both of us where all of our friends live and pick a weekend and do it.  So then I filled Lucky in on Anth’s advice, and she concurs. 

Last night I was trying to think of ways I could ease into saying all this to him without sounding like a desperate freak.  I’m not usually one to make the first move, but at least if I make an attempt to make plans with him I can say I tried.  THEN to make the situation better, I went to The Frisky website (a site Lucky has turned me onto… amazeballs) and found THIS.  If I didn’t know better, I would say I wrote that myself and all the signs are there.  My situation isn’t exactly like Ami’s, but it’s pretty effing close and by god, if she can do it, SO CAN I! (I guess I’m going to try and make being empowered by perfect strangers cool in 2012 too.)

I was a little put off by the comments readers left her saying she was making a mistake by making the first move, but what do they know? I can’t help but be excited for her because the guy said yes.  I mean, whatever, maybe it won’t work out in the end, but these people were acting like she proposed to a perfect stranger.  She asked him on 1 date and in no way said that she was going to wear the pants and ask him on a second date – I assume that if they go out and have a good time the guy will take the reins from there.  So errybody needs to chillax! 

Tonight I plan to start up the conversation with HSC again (we haven’t talked since last weekend) and (hopefully) get some plans underway.  Any suggestions for the type of liquid courage I should use to help push me along are appreciated and welcomed. 

In other news, our blogger friend Catherine over at SimplySolo has a contest underway to win A PAIR OF MANOLO BLAHNIKS, AN IPAD 2, or A WINE PARTY FOR 20 FROM RIOJA WINES.  Don’t ask me how she does it, because I don’t know.  But it’s freaking awesome and I am tres jealous that she gets to have cool contests like that.  Anyway, go HERE, check out her bloggy and enter her freaking awesome contest the deadline is January 14th – so hurry it up already!  That is all.

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Who’s The Boss?

BBM Conversation between Lucky and Gizzy on 12/20/2011 11:17 PM

Lucky: There’s a time for love and a time for livin so take a chance and face the wind
Gizzy: An open road and a roaaaaad that’s hidden
Lucky: there were times I lost a dream or two, found a trail, and at the end was you
Lucky: There’s a path you take and the path not taken…
Lucky: A brand new life around the bend
Gizzy: The choice is up to you my friiiiennnd!
Gizzy: We really just did that


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The night I FINALLY hung out with HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH…Part 3

I promise this is the last part to the high school crush saga… for now.  Last week I told you about how HSC asked me to get together with him  on a dateish thing.  

Pretty much he didn’t text me until around dinner time Saturday night, which ended up being ok because I was busy most of the day anyway.  I definitely would’ve had to cancel plans with my dad in order to hang out with him, and I was ok with that because dad would totes understand.  I mean, it’s HSC, how could he not?! HSC asked if I’d be coming back that way and I told him I couldn’t decide because I was tired, hungover, unsure if he really wanted me to, feeling like I might get my period, etc, etc, etc…  

I ended up not going, because like I told Lucky, it was getting late and we would probably just end up going out to a bar.  I didn’t have anywhere to stay and I didn’t #1 want to be forced to stay with him and #2 didn’t want him to feel like he had to invite me to stay with him.  Plus, all of my relationships start out with drinking and going out together and they were all bad and awful and  I hate those guys.  So it was completely necessary to break the cycle, especially since it would be with HSC.  And I feel like getting to know the next guy I have a one night stand with because that’s what respectful girls do.

So we texted the rest of Saturday night and then Monday I heard from him again, picking up Saturday night’s conversation where it left off.  Just about random stuff, our lives, what we’re up to and we got reacquainted via text for about 13 hours straight on Monday.  It’s been a minute since I’ve had a hearty texting convo with someone other than Lucky and I have to say I didn’t hate it.  Tuesday we continued to text and I finally saw a little wall come down, he got really dramatic about picking out Christmas presents for his nephews annnnd it was pretty awesome and cute hearing the drama that goes into deciding between Batman and Superman action figures. It was nice to see someone show their colors because out of the two of us, if you didn’t know, he is way more proper and well rounded. If that’s what you want to call it.  And I’m like the Phoebe.  

So, as of last Wednesday (when the post was written) the last time we talked was Tuesday night.  And we had said that when I came back from my trip we would try to get together.  I told Lucky it’s now or never.  If he doesn’t like me now, he’s never going to.  So when I get back, I’m going to text him and say this, verbatim:  “So hey what are you doing? Lets hang out.  I’ll come there, we can get some dinner, make some sex, and see what happens.”  Obvi kidding about the sex, kind of, I’m going to text that part in white so really it’s there but secretly.  And if he says no, well, then I’m never talking to him again.  And if he says yes, I’m going to put in my order.

I totally realize this talking and what not means way more to me than it does him, and 99.99% of this drama is in my head, but these are great strides compared to the past when we didn’t talk at all and I just day dreamed about our wedding while looking at his facebook.  God, I swear if he ever reads this, I will kill myself.  High School Crush is like a fine wine, these things take time, and it can’t be rushed and I can’t come on too strong because that would be like popping the bottle before it’s properly aged, it would just be bad and cheap.  And he would probably think I was crazy if I came at him with my boobs out or something, because he is the shyest, nicest guy, ever.

So there you have it.  I don’t know what’s going on and it’s kind of nice and exciting.  Last week when we were texting I was at work and my stomach was all crazy and then it dawned on me, I had butterflies.  Which has not happened in like 3 years, so I’ll take it even if it is just from a text.

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Our grown up Christmas list.

It’s Christmas Eve Eve! One of my favorite holidays of the year…

I know most of you probably have the day off, or perhaps you’re already traveling to your holiday destination…But I just couldn’t bear the thought of leaving you without a Christmas post of some sort.

Since writing a Christmas list is one of my favorite pastimes, here it is—Lucky & Gizzy’s Holiday Wish List 2011:

This year, I wish:

  • John Mayer would finally text me, confess his undying love for me, then bake me a cake asking me to marry him on it. In the icing.
  • I would win the lottery. And that it would be tax-free.
  • I could meet Gavin DeGraw.
  • That a new job opportunity would arise. To be Justin Bieber’s manager.
  • I could learn how to play the guitar. Overnight.
  • BEX’s apartment would collapse. With him inside.
  • I could be a co-host for Live With Kelly.
  • I could be a cover model. That’s it.
  • I would wake up in Europe. With this guy:
  • That I could get an invite. Tonight. To this party:

If you really want to know, I asked for a pair of sweat pants of Victoria’s Secret this year. That’s how fucking lazy and pathetic I am. I also thought long and hard about what I REALLY REALLY wanted under my tree this year. My answer? A gift from John Mayer was the one thing I wanted. So, I bought myself a gift, wrapped it, and put on the tag “To Lucky, From John Mayer.”

This year I wasn’t sad about being single, so you know that’s all I can ask for.  I’m happy being a lonely old spinster and next year I’m going to get a few dozen cats and well, then I’ll be ready to die.

But if you’re going to twist my arm, I also wish:

  • For world peace and to end hunger  (There I said it, now I totes deserve the rest of the things on my list because I am a good person.)
  • To come home from vacation and have my car be stolen, same goes for that frat house I live in.
  • That my family didn’t think it was necessary to put everything we own in the attic while we are away on vacation.  They are just sure someone is going to break in to steal Ella’s American Girl Dolls.
  • For High School Crush to make a move so we can get married already, if I can’t have this I’d like for Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes to breakup so that I can have him to make me feel better.
  • To wake up Christmas morning and be famous.  And rich.
  • That we get a babillion hits this month.  Or that we get freshly pressed, we stopped cussing so much for that shit!
  • That people don’t notice when I start to slowly incorporate an Australian accent into my speech.
  • That I don’t kill my family on this vacation we’re on.
  • That the Chipmunks from Alvin and the Chipmunks would come to life and be my friends/slaves.
  • My friend who has a record deal would write a theme song to my life, record it, and help me make the video for it.  Just so that when I’m feeling down about myself I can watch it and be like OHH HAHA that’s right, that is my life.
I really did ask for all those things this year.  But not from my parents, from Jesus.  I typically don’t make a Christmas list for my parents because they always hand me wads of cash on Christmas and call it day. And you know what, money can buy happiness, so keep it comin rentals.  So when I do ask for something I always ask Jesus to hook a sistah up because he’s The Man, and I only ask for things that will legitimately make me cooler a better person for mankind.

Done and Done.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukuh, and a Joyous Kwanzaa to all (you little jerks)!

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Call me once, shame on you, call me twice, still shame on you

I don’t even know what to do right now.  I can’t even think to write a proper introduction into today’s topic: still that my family is incestuous and I want to divorce them.

When I wrote Tuesday’s post, the last I had heard from my step-aunt and uncle’s nephew was that he was moving to California and would be busy for the next 3 years – so my family’s plans for me to have a bunch of incest babies wasn’t going to work.  Ugh, I want to barf.

Anyway, I wrote him back on Monday saying, “Oh wow… I can’t say I blame you, I would choose to move to California too.  Good luck with everything.”  I assumed that would be the end of it, because what’s the point in continuing to talk if he has no plans of moving here until I’m 30?

So I thought it was done, I could relax and tell the family that the incest just wasn’t meant to be.  Then, Monday night while I was out running some errands, I got a call from a number I didn’t recognize, so I hit the ignore button.  When I listened to the voicemail it was him! “Hey Gizzy, this is Totes-Ok-With-Incest-Guy, Step-Aunt and Uncles FRIEND.  Please give me a call back if you have a chance, my number is 123-456-7890.” You read correctly, Step-Aunt and Uncles FRIEND… nice cover up, guy.

I immediately consulted with Lucky.  Should I call him back? Should I change my number? Should I text him and tell him I died? In case you didn’t know, Lucky always gives the best advice.  She told me not to call him for the exact reasons I mentioned above, he is busy for 3 years and I’m not interested, so no point in wasting everyone’s time, right? Right!

Well, then I started to think of all the shit I was going to get from my family if I didn’t call him back, just like the last time they set me up.  Last time I was in high school, and I blew the guy off because he wanted me to come watch him play basketball on Valentine’s day.  Scusie? No.  Instead I took a date with a guy who took me to Fazolis for dinner.  Clearly I made the right decision.  Anyway, if I know my Step-Dad’s family like I think I know them, they are asking this guy for the play by play of what we’re talking about, when we’re hanging out, and what we have to do to get The Law to approve our future incestuous marriage.  So if he called me and I didn’t return the call then I would be hearing about it this weekend at our family Christmas get together.

When I got home from running errands I told Anth all about my pickle and gave him 5 scenarios of what I thought the guy could be calling for:

  1. He’s rearranged his plans to come into town before I leave on vacation so that we can meet and thought it necessary to make use of my phone number that I gave him to be polite.
  2. He wants to get to know me and thus the phone call is just to chit chat.
  3. He saw Lucky’s post on my facebook wall about how we wish guys would CALL and ask for a date properly, so he was calling to do just that.
  4. My family invited him to our family Christmas this weekend and he wants to either A.) Let me know he’s coming or B.) Get to know me before we meet face to face in front of my entire family.
  5. He decided not to move to California because I’m so HAWT.

After cackling, calling me crazy, and telling me that only scenarios 1 and 2 were realistic, he said if I felt like I needed to call the guy back I should do it while I’m at work so that if it gets weird I can say I have to get back to business.  The first useful thing Anth has ever said.  Thank you!!  So that was my plan, until I got to work the next day and decided that I really just didn’t want to call.  And I’m an A-DULT so if I don’t want to call I don’t have to.  So I didn’t.

After that, I thought I was in the clear – he’d get the picture and if my family questioned me on not calling him back I would tell them that somehow all of the Doctors I work for leave me a bunch of messages on my voicemail so I never check it.  Lying is always the answer.  Especially when it comes to extended family.  They have no business mulling around in my dating life.

So it was settled, I’d lie, and if the lies didn’t work, I would lie some more.  That is, until the guy called me again last night, and I didn’t answer again.   I feel like I could easily get away with not calling him once, but twice is a little questionable.   I didn’t call him back last night, but now I’m wondering if I should.  And now if I do, what do I say about ignoring not one, but two of his calls? I know I’m not interested, but I do feel bad.  What do you guys think?  Should I call back and tell him I’m busy for the foreseeable future or just let it go and hope he doesn’t call again?

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New year, new number

I personally love the holidays.  I love everything about them, the lights, the music, the brisk air, the food, the togetherness, but the one thing that I HATE about the holidays is the mass texting/warm wishes from people you’d rather not hear from and only hear from around the holidays.  Lucky and I rant about this every year when we get a bunch of “Happy Thanksgiving!!” “Merry Christmas!!” texts from people we haven’t talked to in months. 


My theory on the whole mass text thing is that there is one person the sender wants to get a reply from, just to have a way to spark up the conversation.  I’ve also noticed that when people are in a googley eyed can’t get enough of each other relationships they don’t send them.  For example, I can think of 2 guys that would send out mass Thanksgiving texts to all their friends each year.  And this year, they’re both in serious relationships and didn’t send out jack.  Which is fine by me, 1 less text for my quota.  When I hit 2000 texts in 1 month I start to feel like a loser.  Thank god it doesn’t count BBM messages or Lucky and I would be in trouble. 

Normally, most of the mass texts come in between 9am and 1pm on the holiday.  This Thanksgiving just when I thought I was in the clear because it was 1:30 and I hadn’t received anything, I got a text from Snoop-Linus, “Happy Thanksgiving!!! Hope all is well!!” Ugh!


Now, I don’t know if this was a mass text or not, but either way it pissed me off.  Was this or was this not the guy who 2 weeks prior I had told to leave me alone forever? Oh wait, I forgot to tell you guys about that… 

So early/mid November, as per usual Snoop-Linus sent me a bunch of sob-story depressing long texts about how his life will never be the same without me in it, and how he knows how bad he messed up (mind you, we have been broken up for a solid 18 months), and if I could only just hear him out and give him a chance he’d show me how much he had changed, and that he is a better person, yada, yada, yada.  My only reply, “It is good that you are trying to change your life for the better, you need to.  But as I have said before, I will not ever marry someone who has cheated on me, so there is no point in us ever talking again.  I appreciate your understanding.”  Of course he came back with all this hoohah about how people change and he is a different person blah blah blah.  Which, nearly 3 years after meeting the guy I have heard that line about 50 million times and know it’s a pile of bullshit.  Plus, I don’t want to be with someone who had to change who they were to be with me, I want to be with someone that is a good person from the start.  How hard is that to understand?


Anyway, he finally said that he understood and wouldn’t bother me anymore, but if I ever wanted to talk he was just a phone call away.  The next day I saw something on his friends facebook about how they’d all be doing lots of drugs in the coming weekend, then they posted pictures of him with a bunch of whorey girls that can’t spell.  Has not changed.  People don’t change.  End. Of. Story. 

So now you can see why the Thanksgiving text pissed me off.  2 weeks before the guy was ready to kill himself because I wouldn’t hear any more excuses for his pathetic life, now he’s got a slore on each arm and wishes me well.  How hard is it to just leave me alone, seriously?  I know I’m way cool, but really, I’m a completely different person from when we dated – I’m an adult! With responsibilities, and a job, and goddamnit I deserve A MAN – not a drug induced comatose loser.


So I didn’t reply to the text and later that night, he sent another one, “How was your day?” As much as I don’t want to do it, I think it’s time to change my number.  I’ve already blocked the kid from facebook and gotten a new email address, so this is the last step to free myself of Snoop-Linus.  It will be hard to do, I’ve had my number since I was 16 and I’m about as attached to a phone number as you can be without it being weird.  2012 is a new year and a fresh start and by god it’s mine and Lucky’s year to make things happen, so if a new phone number is what it will take for my life to be awesome, then a new phone number I will get!!

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Extra Extra Read All About It: Single loser is FINE with being single, the world is ending.

Did everyone have a fantabulous Turkey Day?!  Mine was awesome! Mostly because I had 5 days off work, which by the way, all apologies for being a slackass on the blogging last week.

Anyway, on to the good stuff… does anyone remember my top 5 worst dates?  Remember #1 aka the worst date I’ve ever been on? The one where Stepdad’s sister and her husband took it upon themselves to set me up with a guy from their church?  Well, they’re at it again.

I hate going to Stepdad’s family events to begin with, it’s uncomfortable and I’m the only non-blood relative.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re all extremely nice welcoming people, but they’re not the family I grew up with, so I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% myself around them.  But, I hate going to his family events even more because at every gathering his sister is sitting next to me trying to think of all of the eligible bachelors she knows that she could set me up with, insert alcohol and lots of it.

Normally, her efforts fizzle out because her husband finds something wrong with the guy and stops it before it can ever start.  Usually, she’ll name someone off, look at her husband for approval, and he’ll go, “No no… he’s got AIDS.”  “No, no… he has a kid.”  “No, no… he does drugs (just my type)” etc, etc… and after they’ve successfully embarrassed me in front of the whole family (that isn’t mine) I never have to hear another word about it and I can stuff my face in peace.

This Thanksgiving started off seemingly normal.  We all sit down to dinner and as I’m shoveling turkey into my mouth with no intention of ever looking up I hear her start in, “What about Jared for Gizzy?” I look up out of the corner of my eye through my turkey haze waiting for the disapproval from her husband when he said the words I never wanted to hear, “Yeah! Now there’s an idea!! That would be… yeah! Good thinking!!”  FUCK. 

So my #1 pet peeve is when everyone in a room is looking at me.  I get all hot and start to blush and it’s just not good.  Then it makes it even worse because someone always calls me out on blushing.  In this case it was Stepdad going, “Oooo look at Gizzy, you’re embarrassing her!”

So Stepaunt is like telling me all about this guy, how he’s sooooo attractive, he’s 30 (run!), has a good job, he’s their nephew, lives in the south (mind you, I do not live in the south), he just bought a house, he likes to go fishing, he’s so nice that he flew his brother to the south just to go fishing with him, and when he came to visit them he folded up his blankets, and even made a bed he didn’t sleep in.  Wait a tick, did I hear your nephew in there?  I know it’s not incest, but I am only 26, should I be so desperate that I’ll start dating within the family? Now, I appreciate a guy with good manners, who is nice to others, and who has a job, but I just figure they don’t really know my taste in guys seeing as they’re 0 in 1 with the setups thus far.  And he lives like 1000 miles away, and he’s your nephew, so like WTF.

Then, while we’re sitting there at the Thanksgiving dinner table she gets out her iphone and starts plugging away trying to find a picture of him.  I thought I was in the clear and it was over with when she couldn’t figure out how to search for someone on facebook.  Then, one of my bratass stepcousins had to go and show her how to find him.  So they pull up a picture, the guy wasn’t unattractive; he just wasn’t the type I’m typically attracted to.  In all honesty, Lucky might like him; his looks are a cross between bastard cheating ex and her ex that lives in Japan, a frat boy/outdoorsman if you will.  Now me?  I’m on the opposite end; I typically go for the little scrawny guys that you wonder if they might actually be gay.  For some reason, I have it in my head that guys that look like that will be nice, they never are, and they’re usually the biggest assholes ever.

Anyway, what was I supposed to say?  Sorry he’s not my type?  Typically I go for a cross between douchebag and gay?  I said, “Ohhh yeah he’s cute!” Then it was time to pass the phone around the table for everyone to see.  Stepdad made a comment that he looked like one of my other cousins, which is disgusting.  And my mom was all, “Ohhh yeah, he’s reaaaallly cute! Maybe he’ll fly you down to see him.  And you can be like, let’s go see my aunt in Florida, but she can’t meet him before I do so I’d have to fly down and meet him too.”  THANK GOD, someone chimed in and was like, “Now let’s not marry her off just yet.”  But Stepuncle all night was saying he was going to make it happen, he was going to give this guy a call and tell him to send me a message on facebook. 

AS SOON AS we got home my mom was like, “Well Stepuncle and Stepaunt’s nephew sounds really nice and like he has a good job, I hope he messages you!”  This also seemed like the perfect time to shatter my mom’s dreams of me being a normal suburban girl with a husband, a family, a dog, and a minivan, “Yeah, so I think I’m going to move to Los Angeles.”

That was pretty much the end of that, I got to work Monday and had a facebook message from the guy, “Do you happen to know Stepuncle and Stepaunt? They said I should message you.” 

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Attack of DishZilla

Happy Monday Everyone! Mark this day, that’s the only time you’ll ever hear me say those awful words. I cannot express how happy I am that last week is over, not only was work stressful (and it will be for about the next 3 weeks, I’ll be forcing myself not to suddenly come down with mono), but I also had to prepare for my parent’s visit over the weekend.  Which only entailed cleaning the house and buying my dad a birthday present, easier said than done when you live with 2 frat guys.  No big deal, right?

I waited to clean until it was around bedtime on Thursday night.  I figured that way, everyone would get up in the morning, run off to work, and not leave much of a mess for me to clean up.  When I came downstairs Friday morning everyone was already gone, but I could smell that someone had cooked a sausage and egg biscuit  (Anth, so predictable) and sure enough there were dishes in the sink with egg remnants all over them.

Like watching me run around the night before stressed out making sure the dishes that had been sitting in the sink for a week that were actually Doogie’s responsibility:

were all in the dishwasher so the house looked like a semi-clean frat house wasn’t enough of an incentive to be like, “Oh hmm… MAYBE Gizzy did all those dishes, cleaned our disgusting pube-infested bathroom, swept and mopped all the floors, washed the sticky beer residue off all of the surfaces in the place, AND made sure the couch pillows hid the spots on the couch where the leather came off because she wants it to appear to be clean and not look like we’re poor hobos, and maybe I could take 5 minutes out of my morning facebook whore creeping session to unload the dishwasher and put these dishes in there so she doesn’t have to worry about it since it’s my mess. But no, I won’t because I’m an inconsiderate ass.” So, he put it in the sink and didn’t even rinse it.  

I swear to you, a switch is going to flip and they are going to come home one day to broken dishes all over the floor because I can’t take it anymore, and they can all eat off toilet paper  and magazine scraps for all I care.  Housewives are so underpaid.  

But anyway, you can see in the right hand corner of the photo a list hanging on the dishwasher.  That’s a list of whose turn it is to unload it, when it’s unloaded we cross our name off and write weather the dishes are dirty or clean.  My name is crossed off about 6 times, Anth’s once, and Doogie’s bringing up the tail with a whopping ZERO.  I was skeptical of the list to begin with because of course no one would enforce it, it’s just there to blatantly point out who does the dishes and who doesn’t, which we all knew anyway.

But, Anth made the list because Doogie is notorious for inviting his girlfriend over to make these huge feasts for the two of them and the dishwasher is conveniently almost always full, and she can usually fit about 1 fork in there, then runs it. And, like a whore, leaves the rest of the dishes in the sink, and her and Doogie disappear for the next 5 days so that Anth or myself (ME, it’s always me) has to clean their mess up after it has sat there so long that it starts to come to life.  But, I believe now Anth is seeing how little he does the dishes and how I pretty much do everything that keeps our apartment from being roach and rat infested.   That’s a lie, he hasn’t noticed at all.  If anyone has noticed it’s me, realizing how much I actually clean up after these stupid slobs.

So anyway, back to the story… I came downstairs found dishes in the sink, cussed him under my breath, decided I wasn’t fucking unloading the dishwasher again, and I wasn’t about to leave dishes in the sink after I busted my ass the night before to get them all done.  After frantically looking around for a place to hide the dirty dishes I decided on the oven.  I threw the dishes in there and ran off to work.  When I got home from work, a mere 3 minutes before my parent’s showed up, Anth was already home and had locked himself in his room to “work”.  On my way home I had sent him a text telling him that he better not have trashed the place after all my hard work cleaning it, of course he didn’t reply, which told me there were more dishes in the sink.

And when I got home?  

MORE FUCKING DISHES! I wanted to run upstairs, karate kick his door open and ask where he thought his dishes from this morning magically disappeared to, since the dishwasher was still full and why did that provoke him to leave more in the sink!? BASTARD!!  But I refrained, and shoved the rest of the dishes in the oven, did a walk through to make sure there wasn’t anything else I had missed, and relaxed for 5 seconds before the doorbell rang.

Although they noted that the place needed a paint job, a carpet cleaning, and the hard wood floors needed to be treated, the apartment got my parent’s seal of approval and we left.  SHEW!

About 9:30 Friday night I got the following series of texts from Anth:

“Gizzy, WTF!!!!!!”

“Dishes in the oven, really?”

“I just cooked the shit out of them.”

At 3:15 am I decided to reply…

“Yeah, and you can take those dishes and SHOVE THEM UP YOUR BUTT!!!”

Thank you Stanley from the office for that magnificent one liner, you are a good man.

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The Lesbian

I think I mentioned Tuesday that I am stressed out at work, right? It’s because it’s the fiscal year end and they (The Company/boss whores) try and cram more work than we do 11 months out of the year into 1 month and expect people not to lose their shit. I knew September was going to be crazy when I was trotting around in May being all “Fralalaaaaa… I have nothing to do! I’m better than you!” And everyone was laughing behind my back being all “Heh heh.. she’ll see!”  I see, ok douchers, I see.

I broke it down to see how much time I need to spend in each “area” I am responsible for to get all the work on my desk done: 

Emails: 1200 minutes

Transfers: 750 minutes

New Accounts: 30 minutes

Budgets: 60 minutes

Financial Reports: 1650

Total: 3690 minutes OR about 62 hours.

So if I worked for the next 2 ½ days taking no breaks and not sleeping I could get all of my work done, that is assuming that I don’t get any additional transfers, emails, financial reports, etc… which is about as unlikely as me finding a husband tomorrow. Especially considering the due date is September 28th for all this crap, and I will get about 10 X this much coming in on September 27th alone. I hate everyone!

If I hadn’t been such a slack ass facebooking/blogging/googling the missing instead of working for the past 2 months, this predicament probably wouldn’t be so bad.  But! Since everyone I work with is old and slow I still have less work than them, yesterday my bosses were all, “Praiiiise Gizzy, since you’re ahead of everyone else we need you to train the new girl, The Lesbian.”

Ok, ok.. I’ll train your lesbian, but you just tell her to keep her eyes to herself, mmkay? Before we get a bunch of hate mail, I am totally down with the gays, Lucky and I were Kevin Yang’s #1 fan before he deleted his blog/wordpress kicked him off.  I’m not entirely sure what happened there, I just know that my sweet rambling gayness is gone forever, Ellen is my homegirl, you get it.

So, despite what the bloggy may lead you to believe, I don’t really like to talk to people who aren’t my friends.  I’ll do a little hey how ya doin, or a short 1 or 2 line convo.  But after that I can all I can hear is myself talking (and yes, I’ve suddenly taken an interest in acting? I know, I think I’m bi-polar too) and I just think I sound weird, and quiet, and raspy, and a lot of people have told me that I have the voice of a porn/phone sex/900 number lady, and that really creeps me out, but I guess if I really want to work from home that’s an option?  So I’m just not big on talking, and having to train someone means I have to talk, like a lot.  So I was not looking forward to this.  I made notes so that I could run through the training 1 time, give her the notes and be done with it.  But she had all kinds of questions and wanted examples and just really ruined my plan.

Just when I’d start to feel a little bit comfortable with my training rambling and could hear myself talking in the 900 lady voice I noticed she was looking at my boobs, and then I remembered that she’s a lesbian.  Yep! Awkwaaaard.  

I shifted around in my chair and pulled my cardigan closed holding back my tears.  Don’t get me wrong here, I had on a full coverage dress, but I have big boobs so they stick out and are pretty noticeable no matter how much I try and cover them up.   As I was sitting there fidgeting wishing she would just go away so I could crawl under my desk and cry, I looked down and noticed that the dress I was wearing that has a weird angle slit up the front (it might actually be a bathing suit cover up, or pajamas? Thanks Target, for not making that clear) was positioned so that the world could see my underwear.  I mean there is a good chance she didn’t notice because my exposed underpants were under my desk and she was too busy checking out my boobs, but just the thought of it gives me the willies, as it would if this happened with anyone.

When the training was finally over I texted Anth, “There’s a good chance I showed The Lesbian my underwear today.” he replied, “HAAA! I knew it!” So he thinks I’m a lesbian?  I replied, “Not on purpose, jerkoff.” Then I explained the situation, and he proceeded to tell me not to jump to conclusions because she hadn’t asked me to be on her softball team yet, and I’m not really the type that lesbian’s are attracted to anyway so I needed to get my panties out of a twist, literally.

At this point in my life, Anth has now told me that I’m not the girlfriend/wife type and now I’m also not the type lesbian’s are attracted to either.   So what’s left… being a cat lady or a nun?

So I don’t know, things might be weird at work today.  I’m either going to have to call in sick or wear a mumu.

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