Tag Archives: america

Happy Birthday America

My favorite holiday is upon us. So many birthdays this week, Lucky’s, America’s, oh and this is our 500th post. Go us! We did it!

I’ll keep this short, because I’m off doing cool things to help America ring in her birthday.. catch ya Friday on the flip side.

MERICA!

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4 strangers, picked to live in a house, and hate each other

Did anyone watch the season premiere of The Real World St. Thomas last night? When I finished watching last season I decided that I was too old to watch anymore and wouldn’t be partaking in the next season, but when I started to see the previews I couldn’t resist, and so far it hasn’t disappointed. 

I won’t ruin it for anyone who is hoping to catch a repeat, but I’ll just say I am rooting for Trey and Laura to get together and make babies.  That’s the same thing I said about Dustin and Heather last season, and he ended up being a gay porn star..so it should be interesting.

Anyway, my apartment has started to turn into a Real World house of it’s own.  I’ll spare you on all the gritty details, but a few weeks back I caught the hot roommate red-handed cheating on his girlfriend.  I didn’t say anything, but the story has started to unfold.  Saturday night all the roommates played beer pong and went to dinner and hot roommate was visibly upset because his girlfriend didn’t invite him to dinner with her family.  And rumors are flying that he’s ’bout to get dumped. If you ask me he totes deserves it.

The real drama lies within the weird barbarian roommate though.  Anth and I have daily bitch sessions about him and finally last night the hot roommate joined in. 

The things we are complaining about aren’t your typical roommate annoying habits.  Well, some of them are.

First off, this guy refuses to use the dishwasher at the off chance that he may put someone else’s plate in there/he doesn’t ever want to unload it.  The thing of it is, unless you are hoarding your dirty dishes in your room – how do you know which ones are yours when you’re only hand washing them once a month? Here’s a clue bro: I’ve been doing them for you because the dishwasher gets ran every other day.  Eat a dick. Anyway, I came home from work one day a few weeks ago and Anth was standing in the kitchen staring at a pile of dishes lying on a bath towel.  I started cracking up because I knew exactly what he was thinking.

He went off about how he couldn’t belive someone would be so inconsiderate as to handwash the dishes and then lay them out to dry on a towel that he had just dried his junk with that morning.  LOLZ. Oh Anth.

Then he was pissed because they were still sitting out the next day and moved them to the kitchen table where they remained for another week.  At this point all I can do is laugh about it, getting pissed off at roommates takes way too much of my energy.

The other big complaint about this guy is how loud he has sex and the fact that it sounds like he’s beating the shit out of his girlfriend.  None of us have gotten the guts yet to bring this up, because how do you say that? Do you ask the girlfriend? I mean honestly, it sounds like he beats her head against the wall. Last Sunday morning I was hungover laying on the couch watching a movie when they started at it.  And it made me so uncomfortable that I went back down to my room and went back to sleep.  Not only is it incredibly loud, they do it like 5 times a day.  Here’s the schedule: wake up, have sex, make breakfast, have sex, watch tv, have sex, eat dinner, have sex, get ready for bed, have sex.

So last night, Anth was in my room doing his laundry and the hot roommate busts in with steam coming out of his nose.  “Barbarian took my bike, WITHOUT ASKING, and I need to go to a volleyball game.  Now I have to drive and pay to park.” So, Anth and I looked at each other and let loose with all our complaints. It ended up being quite the bonding session.

During all of this, me, Anth, and the Hot Roommate were all invited to a Yacht party for the 4th of July.  The Barbarian, however, wasn’t invited and asked us all what we were doing.  Considering the fact that Saturday when we all played beer pong he made the comment about how he loves looking into a dogs eyes when it takes a shit, he won’t be getting an invite any time soon.

I think we’re all in agreement that he gets voted off the island.  Freaking weirdo.

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The Art of Being Single

Step 1:   Have a fuck you attitude toward the world.  

Step 2:   Don’t hide your flaws.

Step 3:  Date every asshole imaginable.

Step 4:  When you’re nearing a scary milestone in your life (30) plan a Euro-Trip with your co-blogger/best friend.

And if not….

Sunday night Lucky and I got to talking.  Yes our lives are boring, we hate men, our jobs are going no where, we have nothing to look forward to yada yada yada… then we came up with the most brilliant plan ever – Europe.  

3 weeks in summer 2015 Italy, Greece, France, Spain, England… we’ll be there celebrating our 30th birthdays.

 

So we are pretty excited about it.  We’re going to eat good food, drink good booze and get ourselves cultured.  We’re planning it four years in advance because we’re not going to backpack through Europe – we’re going to live in the lap of luxury.  And by that I mean we plan on staying in hotels and not hostels where we will get murdered and raped.   So we will be saving up our monies for the next 4 years so our fun Euro Trip doesn’t send us into debt.  All while all of our married, kid frenzied friends are spending their hard earned bucks on formula and diaper genies. 

 

We realize that four years is a long time.  But let’s be honest – 4 years ago Lucky and I were no closer to marriage and families then we are today, so we are pretty confident we won’t have to cash in our Euro fund for a down payment on a new mini-van. 

 

Traveling through Europe is something I have wanted to do for years.  I never studied abroad because I didn’t think I could last 4 months away from home, but I was always so jealous of those who did.  They came back knowing new languages, they had new life-long friends from across the country, they had stories of the sights they saw in different countries, and pictures of themselves with famous landmarks.   Finally – Lucky and I can live it up!

 

Anyway, I got yelled at and called a bitch this morning by a homeless man because I wouldn’t give him a new shirt in the backseat of my car and my lunch.  I see the guy at the same place every day, he’s always standing at the stoplight when I get off the expressway with a sign saying “Homeless: Need work or food.”

 

Living in the big city I see multiple homeless people daily – they all want money, free food, or a job.  Well don’t we all.  I mean yeah, I feel sorry for them because I know it’s rough out there, but 99% of the homeless people begging for money on the streets are just lazy.    So I pull up and every morning when I see this guy standing at the stop light with his sign I groan, because he’ll stand at the front of your car with his sign and stare at you expecting a hand out, but he’s never said anything to me until today.

 

He walks up to my car with his sign, I shake my head and don’t make eye contact.  Then he starts beating on my window saying, “Hey can I have that shirt back there?” I shook my head and continued looking forward, then he beats again, “Hey can I have the food in that bag (my lunch)”  I shook my head again and continued looking forward.  Then he beats so hard to the point where I was afraid the window would break and he says, “Hey give me one of those waters back there!!” I had the remainder of a package of water bottles in my backseat and there were like 3 bottles left.  I finally looked over, screamed “NO! GO AWAY!” and he walked away but not before saying, “Bitch.”

 

I’m all about helping people who are less fortunate then myself, but I’m not going to give handouts to people who just expect me to give them whatever I have, who are rude, and lazy.   I mean, I do NOT drive a nice car so it really pissed me off that this hobo thought he could walk up to my car and start calling out demands of things he wanted me to give him.  #2, my window doesn’t roll down – so I’ll be damned if I open up my door to give someone a damn bottle of water.  Every morning I get irritated with this guy because he stands there for hours upon hours asking people in the street for money instead of walking across the street to the 4 or 5 gas stations, Mcdonalds, Wendys, and Burger King and filling out applications. 

 

I get pretty annoyed at this group of girls that I see on my way home from work too, almost to the point where I have opened my door to say something to them because I want to tell them off.  But, I don’t want to get shot so I keep my mouth shut and my door closed.  These girls, usually 5-10 of them stand in the intersection before you get to the expressway in the street with Tupperware containers collecting money.  Yes, nice, EXPENSIVE Tupperware containers.  They are well dressed, carry coach wristlets, and are wearing new Nike’s and people are still giving them money. 

 

For a while when it was just 2 or 3 of them I thought maybe they were raising money for something, but as I’ve watched their group grow I have realized that they’re just standing there asking for people to give them cash.  And they usually do have their Tupperware containers full of dollar bills.  If my window worked I would 100% roll it down one day and ask what they are raising money for just to make them feel stupid.  But then again, they never come up to my car – because I’m a white woman and they can’t sweet talk me like they can the brothas.

 

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To Gizzy’s house: part IV.

Ah, when we awoke the next morning it was the glorious 4th of July. AMERICA! ‘MERICA! As we proudly proclaimed all day long.

But my mood quickly changed from happy and celebratory to confused, and, well…more confused.

After we passed out the night before, Clay had sent me a text around 3 am wanting to know what I was doing. Since I was sleeping, I didn’t respond. Then at 9 am, he sent me a good morning text.

While I was reading the “good morning” text and sifting through some others, he sent me ANOTHER text saying this:

“U don’t have to ignore me you know. Asshole. Thats hypocritical of me sorry I was a dick but ur gender has yet to prove other than a vagina ur existence is not necessary. OK that was mean I’m sorry u r extremely attractive and I really have not stopped thinking about u can we try this again”

If you’re wondering, yes, that was all crammed into one text message and yet another example of Clay having a legit conversation by himself. Nothing like calling me an asshole and a member of a worthless gender and then wanting to meet up.  Picture me, cackling through this all. 

I replied back with a solid “well, good morning.” We had a weird conversation about how I wasn’t ignoring him per se I was just wary of getting involved with him because he had a girlfriend. To which he said…

UMM YOU NEED TO CHECK MY FACEBOOK.

Okay, douche, I don’t check Facebook every fucking day to see if you and your woman are together or not. Frankly, I don’t give a flying fuck.

Anyway, the dude was drunk, so Gizzy and I check Facebook to see what exactly happened. And this is the slew of Facebook statuses we see:

Ok I refuse to be with a whore, I am single, so ladies lets have fun.  I have only 3 weeks left lets do the damn thing and stop thinking about tomorrow.

I hate my life, and the stupid bitch that told me I was everything to her, that’s bullshit, where is she tonight? Not with me.  I hope your aborted children provide you with a supportive landing in hell.

Happy 4th LOL

Clay is going to establish alcoholism today being as my first beer was pounded at 8:39 you’re welcome now who will join me in celebrating our country’s birthday?

If whites only come out at night why do I drink during the day?

If whores only come out at night why do I drink during the day?

  • Comment: Jackie – are you drunk?
  • Comment: Clay – if you’re wondering if I’m drinking, yes, and if I’m drunk, yes, but if you say it like that it sounds uneducated.  All I’m doing is flushing my kidneys and destroying my liver if I could put this shit in an IV I would, because it would save me the time of putting my beer to my mouth and allow me to come up with awesome status updates even faster.
  • Comment: Jackie – I would’ve asked how you’ve been but it’s pretty clear.
  • Comment: Clay – it’s clear that your gender has castrated me for the last time, and I am no longer obligated to believe you thundercunts are nice people.  So why would I? Assholes finish first right? Fuck the world, I’m about to kick it down the escalator.

Whores are like fireworks, you only shoot them at night and yet at first they look innocent but after a few shots they explode on you causing pain if not careful.

  • Comment: Clay – happy 4th retards
  • Comment: friend – you’re on a roll today
  • Comment: Clay – give me some butter
  • Comment: Barb – clay be good
  • Comment: Clay- if by good you mean break the female gender down by targeting her weakest attribute and convincing her to sleep with me because she is emotionally unstable then yes I will be good and good at it.  Sorry miss lady you are excluded from this list because you have always been awesome to me and to everyone else love you so much.

 I was once told to be good or good at it.  Happy 4th retards.

When I asked Clay what happened with his ex to make him so upset he said, “She’s a cock juggling thundercunt.” Another AWESOME line that worked itself into our vocabulary the rest of the day.

Fair enough.

To celebrate such a glorious holiday, Gizzy and I put on our swimsuits and headed out looking for beer and anything festive. ‘MERICA! Well, we didn’t find anything festive, but we got the beer and some ice and packed them both into what Gizzy thought was a cooler, when it was really a large thermal container made for a damn crock pot.  Don’t knock it till you try it, that shit worked!

Whatever. We head to the beach and get in line for some junk food. After we scarf that down, we find a nice spot in the sand near plenty of hotties playing beach volleyball.  Hotties/douchers that I already knew from college.

We had already packed some vodka, so Gizzy got us some mixers and we had our way with them. And this is when I start trying to figure out just how many different places I can piss in public (twice in the water, once in the sand, and a few times in actual public view). “Public view” means hanging her ass off a dock to pee, and hanging it off of some steps/seats.  Someone had to know what was going on since I was doubled over laughing and every time she got up there were wet spots that magically appeared on the cement.  I’m not innocent though, the day of the block party we traveled through a maze so that I could take a pee in a parking garage, where our car was not parked.

When I was finished with my vodka, I started drinking the beer like it was my job. Didn’t want to have any leftovers! When the beer was gone, we made the weird decision to walk to where the fireworks were…which was a bit of a hike. I would venture to say at least 1.5-2 miles.  It took us a good hour and a half to get there, longer than it normally would have because we had to simultaneously stop to pee/take shots.  We completely got ready in a public bathroom and then start ripping shots straight from a bottle of vodka.  In public.  Infront of cops, and children.

We see the fireworks and keep walking to try and snag some dinner. However, there was a fuckload of people. Like literally people were shoving us trying to not let us in because they were all coming out. And then we ran into a saucy hostess who told us the restaurant closed at 10 pm and I accused her of calling us retards.  My absolute favorite convo of the weekend:

Us: Table for 2

Hostess:  Um we’re pretty full, we’re not seating anyone but you can stand here and wait, I’m not sure if we’re letting people in, we might stay open later.

Lucky: So ARE you staying open later?

Hostess: We’re not seating anyone right now

Lucky: Yeah, I heard you, we’re not retards

Hostess: I didn’t say you were

Lucky: Uh! Yeah, ya did!

Bitch.  So we head to a nice little italian place, and order our food and some vino.

Once we do sit down, we have some depressing conversation about missing people, (and I loudly shit talked the aliens next to us for staring at our drunk asses)  and we manage to catch a cab ride back home. However, the cab ride was nice and bumpy, and me being quite wasted, I knew I needed to barf. But it wasn’t anything emergency-related…I figured I had plenty of time. However, when I hand the cabbie my credit card, he says he has to turn the car off completely and restart everything.  Honest to god, it took half an hour.

I told him I needed to step outside and puke. And I did. On a tree. While people and dogs watched me.

But I felt worlds better.

Then Gizzy and I ran inside and busted into Anth’s room, only to find him sexting while in his bed. Typical.  Lucky asks if he’s naked and runs over and rips off the blankets.  I immediately scream, “DID YOU SEE HIS WEINER!?” she says no and we run squeeling out of his room.  He sent me a text the following morning thanking us for the wake up call and thanking himself that he wasn’t actually naked under his covers.  I told him that leaving the door unlocked is like inviting us into his room so idk what he expected.

The next morning was my last in town, and given all the airport drama the first go ’round, I wasn’t looking forward to heading back. However, Gizzy and I hit a few hot spots I had been wanting to see, we had a few beers and more junk food and we were on our way. We even ate lunch at our favorite place—Taco Bell. Holla!

Overall, an AWESOME visit!

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The Rhyming Big City Adventures of Gizzy and Lucky

A poem to re-hash our weekend in the big city, full stories to come later:


Twas the night before Lucky’s birthday when she was set to arrive

Airline complications occurred and she wished she could drive

For she was stuck, overnight, in a land called Texas

Lucky for her she met a chap at a bar who drove a pretty sweet Lexus

With only the clothes on her back, the day of her birth she arrived

For she had made it, thank god she survived

It was time to drink, beer one, beer two, not yet

For Lucky’s bag was still on the jet

A second trip to the airport started the day off right

We found Lucky’s bag, it had made the flight

Back to the apartment we went

Where we found an underage gent

“Take a shot, take a shot” he spattered

With all these young boys, we were sure to get flattered

We drank the day old, then washed our hair up right

For it was time to hit the town for the night

We had an occasion to celebrate, our dear friend Lucky

There was no way this night could be sucky

Off to dinner we went, a sushi place, our fave

Get Lucky a birthday cake, that there, the chocolate wave

Dinner was good, now to concoct phase II in our head

I know! Let’s paint the town red

To bar 1 we went, the drinks were ordered, the atmosphere was set

Too bad there were no boys around to make us wet (ehhh…sorry, there was 1 but he didn’t rhyme)

Bar 2, on Gizzy, on Lucky, on Cabby, and fro

Keep these drinks flowing so we can act like a ho

Danced the night away we sure did

At Bar 3 we met a man dressed as a kid

His name was Danny, and a billionaire he claimed to be

Then he fell, taking the table down, and banging his knee

We felt good, just enough beers to blur the lights

Lets head back to my place and start some fights

To my apartment we went, not sure what we’d find

We walked in and saw a guy’s behind

Someone’s in my bed, who could it be?

An old friend, wake up, come play mouse trap with me

Continue drinking we did as we set up the game

And heard stories that would surely ashame

One last surprise before we call it a night

A birthday cake, 26 candles gleaming with light

There were just enough people to sing her a song

Blew out the candles Lucky did and wished for a dong

Off to bed we go, an early day it will be

We have lots of new attractions and boys to see!

Day 2 began with a flutter

Thank god the smell of alcohol didn’t make us shutter

We left for a ball game, who would win, we don’t know!

As it was just our luck, today the cab business was slow

We walked, and walked, and finally got a ride

We arrived at the game gleaming with pride

Looked around we did, for a scalper with tickets

It was not our day, all we heard were crickets

Back in the cab we went, onward to a festival we go!

We were ready to see the beer flow

The beers were all drank, the food was all eaten

Next up, to the sub-way, lets hope we don’t get beaten

Onward we marched on the way to the train, where we found a small pub

We walked in and what did we see? Girls, with boobies and flub

A beer and a shot we had

Until we decided it was time to return to my pad

To my abode we arrived

To find nothing, but a bunch of guys who were deprived

They begged us to drink, so drink we did

Until we got drunk

And along came a punk

Bill was his name

Football was his fame

But, he was a douche and lame

Next it was time for a roast

The groom to be, step up, he thought it was a toast

We all said our piece, and the boom boom started

It’s not what you think, no one farted

For they were fireworks, right there

We got lucky none landed in our hair

We all watched in amazement, for they were the best fireworks ever!

Well, that’s done, on to the next endeavor

On to the bars we go

We still haven’t acted like a ho

All dolled up we got

We looked damn hot

Down the stairs we went

To find nothing, but a guy with a weird accent

We had been left, oh well, these fools won’t ruin our fun

We were still going out, in our mind we won

At the bar we sat with our drinks in hand

When along came a girl, she wanted to be our frand (Um, I know… I’m lame)

Her name was Miranda and we loved all the shots she bought us

If we had only knew, her boyfriend would make a fuss

We closed down the bar and trotted home

Passed out in bed and silenced the phone

In the morning we awoke ready to start the day

We gathered our things and were off to play

We arrived at the beach to celebrate the USA

We drank some more, fought with some kids, and peed on the beach, hey hey!

The day was over and it was time for the fireworks

We walked and walked until we arrived, we sat down with our drinks and put on a smirk

We watched the fireworks in awe

Then trampled inside hoping not to fall

We got some dinner, some wine, and we on our way

We arrived back home, for Lucky was ready to lay

The next morning arrived and some sad pups we were

It was Lucky’s last day, I sure would miss her

We went to the carnival and rode some rides

We were quite proud, this weekend we made great strides

Off to the airport we went, to tell Lucky goodbye

She hopped on her plane, she was ready to fly…

 

THE END

 

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