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Being single is saving me that $bling$bling$ in FURs

Saturday night was a typical Saturday “Date Night” evening for me. ¬†I cuddled up on my parent’s couch with a good flick (Gnomeo and Juliet) and some brewskis and tucked myself in bed by midnight with my first non-alcoholic beverage of the day.

Just before I went to bed I hopped on the comp to see if “Find Lauren Day” was a success (it was not, ūüė¶ sad), and when my comcast browser opened there was a story that caught my eye under the “Finance” category, the title? “Attention Singles: The True Price of Love” The subtitle? “7 SHOCKING Expenses of Romance.” ¬†So I read, and I will paraphrase for the sake of space and voice my opinions of how much bullshit this article is the whole way through it. ¬†If anyone doesn’t like my paraphrasing or comments and wants to read the article for them-Stupid-self,¬†there you go. ¬†But honestly, my version is way better.

1. Dinner Out On the Town ¬†– Dinner at Delmonicos New York’s first fine dining restaurant. ¬†Starters, you: $10 market salad – date: $26 shelfish chateau Main Course: you: some chicken dish for $28 date: $90 double porterhouse add in wine, desert, and all that other shit and you’ll be racking up a bill of at least $300.

Ummmm… I’m sorry, but who the fuck are these people dating that they have dinner dates on the reg costing $300? I know top medical professionals who would not drop $300 on a dinner date. ¬†#2 Assuming this article is aimed toward men, because AHA! Why would a woman ever give 2 shits about how much a relationship is, we don’t have to pay for anything. ¬†But, what woman is going to order a $90 double porterhouse after you just ordered a measly $28 piece of chicken? ¬†A BITCH! That’s who, that’s when you excuse yourself and get the fuck out of there and leave her with the bill. ¬†Bitch.¬†

2. Special Occasion Cards – Valentines Day, Birthday Cards, Cards to Say “I’m Sorry”, cards for your significant other’s family members on their birthday’s and anniversaries. ¬†Estimated cost: $20 – $35 per year.

If the guy I’m dating can’t shell out 25 bucks a year to buy me a damn card on my birthday we’ve got bigger problems than birthday cards.

3. Gifts Just Because – Basically they tell a story about how people buy each other gifts for no reason and say liberated women don’t believe in Valentine’s Day. ¬†

Every girl believes in Valentine’s Day if they have someone. ¬†Give me a fucking break. ¬†That’s like saying women hate diamonds and flowers. ¬†And again, I go back to my who the fuck are these people dating where they get gifts for no reason? Clearly Lucky and I aren’t picking the winners. ¬†No really, we already knew this, but are there really guys out there that will buy you lavish presents for no reason? Not like Donald Trump, normal guys that we actually have a chance with. ¬†Think a Banker’s salary here. ¬†It’s doubtful.

4. Wrapping Her In Furs  Р$200+ but they like the $10,000+ coats from FurOutlets.com

Ummmm… does anyone outside of 1920 know anyone who wears a Fur coat for real? I actually do, but we won’t go there. ¬†Ok we will, it’s Snoop-Linus’ mom. ¬†And also Lucky and Buttons, but their Furs are fake and hilarious. ¬†I thought everyone had kind of decided Fur coats were on the outs? I’m going to take a leap of faith and say when I get to the end of this article I’m going to see that it was written by a man because he clearly doesn’t know SHIT. ¬†A fur coat would go nice with my quellazaire though.¬†

5. Flowers Say it for You – They say to avoid spending too much buy flowers for “no reason” during non-holiday times.

No comment here.  Cheapskate.

6. Pricing In The Hardware Р$220 gets you 1/6 of a carat diamond ring.  3 figure minimum to make the right impression.

Now we’re talking. ¬†Hey everyone, come check out my sixth of a carat!! ¬†Any guy reading this should take this as a piece of advice: Skip the $300 Delmonico dinners, birthday cards, and Fur coats and splurge for the $200 engagement ring. ¬†3 figures, really? I would like to assume anyone who can afford to spend $300 on dinner should be able to afford to spend more than a dinner would cost on jewelry.

7. What Happens Once You Commit – $1500 extra a year in high income marriage penalties.

Don’t worry, he saved that money when he bought the $220 1/6th of a carat engagement ring.

Annnnd drumroll please…. written by a woman. ¬†I’m wrong, BUT she’s probably never been on a date or had a boyfriend. ¬†Clearly. ¬†I mean I am fully aware that being single is way cheaper than being in a relationship, but being in a relationship is not as expensive as this slorebag makes it out to be. ¬†I guess I need to cut her a break, there isn’t much going on in finance right now with interest rates sitting pretty at 0%.

But, if these are the things women are demanding out of relationships these days I need to up my anti and put a fox fur coat with matching fox on my wish list. ¬†Then again, I don’t plan on being that girl¬†standing on the corner wearing my fur coat and cracker jack box ring, so maybe I’m good. ¬†Yeah, I’m good.

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