Tag Archives: baby daddy

Teen pregnancy is NOT a joke

I was paroozing around facebook last night minding my own business when my aunt facebook chats me and says, “Wanna know a secret?” Um DUH! She makes me swear up and down to all things holy that I won’t tell anyone because cats not outta the bag yet.  By this point my mind was really running wild, she lives in Orlando so at first I thought she was going to tell me she was coming for a surprise visit and needed me to pick her up at the airport.  But then she drops The Bomb.  W, my second cousin, is pregnant.

I’m sure most of you are thinking, BFD who gives a rats ass about their second cousins? This guy! My family is way too close and yes I am even close with my second cousins.  Let me do a breakdown of my family tree for you using letters, symbols, and deaf kids:

G&G (Grandma and Grandpa) had 4 kids – Aunt V, Aunt P, My mom, and Uncle L

Aunt V married Uncle T and had 3 kids – Cousin M, Cousin S, and Cousin D

Cousin M had 4 kids by 3 different dads and is pregnant with her fifth child by, you guessed it, a different dad. For those of you who aren’t mathematicians when she pops this one out that will be 5 kids with 4 baby daddy. The kids are-  2nd Cousin W, 2nd Cousin K, 2nd Cousin B, 2nd Cousin M, and now 2nd Cousin Fetus

Is this getting white trash enough for everyone? Because it gets worse.  But this is as far as we need to go because it’s this leg of the family that is completely effed up (as far as babies and baby daddy’s go, we’ll get into debt, drugs, and jail time with the rest of the family some other time.) Really I am like the prized possession of the family, in case anyone was wondering, a college graduate, no ex-husbands, no substance abuse problems, no jail time, manageable college debt, and most importantly no babies and no baby daddy’s, I’m like the golden fucking egg.  With a halo.

Back to the story, so my aunt tells me that 2nd Cousin W is preggers right? Yes Cousin M’s child, who is 17, and who has been with her boyfriend for 2 months, who has buck teeth and a shag hair cut.  I know this is confusing so let me put it as simply as possible, My cousin’s kids, are having kids.  That’s 2 extra generations my cousin made before I made 1.  I mean yes, she is like 9 years older than me, and I was like 8 when 2nd cousin W was born but still.  Let me break it down again from a different point of view, my mother is going to be a Great Great Aunt before she is a grandmother. So not only is 2nd Cousin W pregnant but her mother Cousin M is also pregnant and their due dates are two weeks apart.

Most people would be like OMG THIS IS SO WHITE TRASH I LOVE IT! BUT, it gets worse.  Because not only will these fetus’ be aunt/uncle and niece/nephew to one another and only be a few weeks apart (sooooo Father Of The Bride II isn’t it? No? Right! Because there were only 2 baby daddy’s involved in that sitch) but this is 2nd generation.  THAT’S RIGHT.  It’s happened before. Remember Cousin D, Cousin M’s little sister? Well when Aunt V was pregnant with Cousin D, Cousin M was pregnant with 2nd Cousin W, they’re a few months apart, but still the exact. same. situation.  This here is, yet again, what I like to call… full circle. That’s full fucking circle.

I’m also not a big fan of Cousin M because she is a bitch. So I have been laughing an evil laugh all night long, and then I went out and bought a pregnancy test and took it because, karma and toilet seat.

When Snoop-Linus and I broke up and it said, “Gizzy in no longer listed as ‘in a relationship'” on facebook, instead of reacting how normal people react and saying, “Ohhh I’m so sorry, you’ll be ok.”  She says AND I FUCKING QUOTE, “Smile.  Because I’m getting married again!!!” Bitch.

She does most of her bullying via facebook, my next status:

“Gizzy is setting up an excel spreadsheet for her bills.  Nerd alert.”

Cousin M: Glad to know those 10 years of college has taught u somethin!!!

You know what i have to say to that, HARDY FUCKING HAR with some big buck teeth college taught me simple grammar and how to spell YOU, goddamnit.

It was after this that I asked my mom to put me in anger management because I didn’t want to punch her in the face at the next family get together and upset grandma.  My mom told me not to worry, that Cousin M was simply jealous of my baggage free educated self and that The Sisters would take care of it.  Godddd do I love my mom’s sisters.

Sure enough Easter rolls around and here comes Cousin M with her new husband introducing everyone by simply saying “Hubby T this is Cousin Z, Cousin B, Cousin H, ohh and here’s Gizzy, the one who has been in college for like a decade.” I lunged forward at her with Ella’s snake cage that was loaded with a gardener snake screaming, “LISTEN HERE YOU CUN…” when Uncle L pulls me back and says, “Let them take care of it.” It’s at that time when I see The Sisters (my aunts) circling around Cousin M saying things like, “Why ya always picking on Gizzy? She’s doing something with herself other than popping out kids and marrying whatever comes along.  At least she went to college, unlike you.” ZING! Score one for Gizzy.  That’s exactly what I was going to say except that I was going to make my grandfather roll over in his grave and call her a CUNT in front of the whole family and my grandmother with her virgin ears.  Glad I didn’t have to.  That’s what’s up.

But, my family is like a small community.  We love to hate each other and we’re all so close we know errybody’s business and all gossip about each other, in a loving way.  And that’s exactly why I don’t tell anyone in my family jack shit.  In my grandmother’s eyes I am the holy grail of grandchildren, I’m up there with my grandfather and Jesus on her list of favorite people and I intend to stay there.  When I get to heaven me, Jesus, and my grandpa can form a club and call it Dotty’s Top 3, we might sing too, I don’t know though, don’t push it guys. But it does feel good to be an elite member of heaven’s society.

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I always drink coffee after I kill a man.

I definitely already wrote this blog post and then exited out of Safari without saving it. So bear with me.

It is safe to say Gizzy & I had a shithole of a weekend as we both had unwanted episodes with our ex-boyfriends, who have sought out to make our current lives a living hell. But that’s not what I’m here to discuss today—I’ll leave that up to Gizzy. Today, I’m talking about my new DC Crush, the Secret Service guy.

After our little 3 am chat last weekend, he told my engaged friends that they needed to “work the magic” with me so things could work out between us—like, whatever dude. So my friends were really into it, building him up and such saying how nice and cool he was and saying that he was just sOoOoOoOoOo into me and thought I was, like, sOoOoOoOoOoOoO hawt.


So after a few days go by, he finds me on Facebook in all of his Secret Service glory. We started sending messages back and forth. At first, it was going okay, but it quickly turned bad, and spiraled into horrible very very fast.

The first few messages, we were just talking about the weekend, if he made it back to DC in time for whatever it was he does, and generic stuff about his newfound bromance with my friend Ben. To which he told me I was just jealous because I don’t have a hoemance. Right, that’s it!

Now, flirting via E-mail has never been my forte, but I guess in situations like these it’s a necessary evil. However, I was hoping he would ask for my number so we could just text, but I wasn’t so lucky (pun intended).

I asked him what he as up to this weekend (the one we just had) and that’s when things went downhill. He told me he was going out with friends to Dupont Circle for some beer and wings. Naturally, I told him I was super jealous because I love beer and wings, and since I’m still doing the detox for a few more days, I can’t have beer and wings.

His response? What detox?

Which was a conversation we had the first time we talked—or else I would have been hammered when we talked at 3 am, not waking up for a glass of water and to piss.

But I didn’t say that, and simply said, “I thought Nicole told you,” and gave him the gist of the detox—a 2 week plan of very very healthy foods and herbal supplements.

To which he says: “So you mean no fun. Why don’t you live a little?”

This pissed me off, to no end. He doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him, so thanks for the judgment buddy. I know he was probably joking, but it’s like…ok don’t go around accusing me of being lame.

Just for the record, I am doing the detox because I felt like I was bordering on “Alcoholic” status for awhile there. And it’s not a life plan, simply 2 weeks, and then I’ll be back in the game. So I think people around me should be a little more supportive.

I told him I was just trying to be healthy and he said, “I will not support your boring life.”

Ok you sir are not my baby daddy, and I’m not asking you to fund my bags of brown rice and soy yogurt. Christ!

For the next five or so rounds of messages, he continued to rag on me for detox. I finally had to ask him if we could talk about something else. He gave me his number Sunday night and told me to text him if I wanted—such a copout for asking me for the digits.

So I sent him a text Monday morning…aaaaand still haven’t heard anything back. It’s Tuesday. What happened to all those things my friends told me? Looks like I’m the loser he just isn’t that into.

But you know what? I don’t even care. I shouldn’t have to put any effort into endeavors like this.

In other news, I downloaded the Sims 3: World Adventures onto my phone yesterday. Best $7 I’ve ever spent.

My Sim has already been married twice, but is currently doing well with her spouse, Nathan. She travels the world on her days off (Thursday and Friday) from the museum. She is having an affair with her boss’ husband and saving money for her first car.

That’s my life now.

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