Tag Archives: bars

It started with a kiss

It’s here! The recap of my Saturday with High School Crush that you’ve all been waiting for!  If you kept up with the live twitter updates you already know a little bit of what happened, and if you didn’t and still want a spoiler – check da twitter! I’m only slightly embarrassed that I was having what may be known as the best night of my twenties and I was tweeting about it as it was happening.  It’s fine.

Now that it’s over and we actually hung out and I don’t have to worry about jinxing it, I can tell you the whole story of how our plans came to be. 

So, my friend Polly just moved back to our hometown from the coast so I had asked her if she wanted to join me in going to a festival on Saturday in our state’s capital, about 45 minutes away from our hometown, but a 3 hour drive for me.  She accepted and because Polly is also friends with Betty, I felt inclined to invite Betty along as well.  Betty had originally said she would go, then a few days later changed her mind because she had her daughter and the weather wasn’t going to be that nice.  At this point she invited Polly and I over to have a sleepover with her and her daughter after the festival.  Knowing Polly and I would be drinking heavily at the festival and also knowing Betty puts her kid in bed at 7 o’clock and there was no way we’d make it to her house to have a sleepover before that time I told her I’d check with Polly and get back to her.  Polly kind of laughed it off so I never really gave Betty an answer. 

At this point since we would be sans Betty and her kid I decided that I would see if High School Crush would be driving in for the festival, and he said he would come back for it and we could meet up.  Hooray!  A few days later Betty changed her plans again and said she would come to the festival and bring her live in dbag boyfriend and kid.  Really, I love Betty and her kid, the boyfriend I could take or leave, but the festival atmosphere wasn’t really kid friendly and Betty said she had plans earlier that day and would make it back to her house around 4.  I knew already this would be trouble.  The festival was about a 20 minute drive from Betty’s, parking would be a problem, so by the time we got down there and started enjoying it, it would easily be 5 o’clock, then we’d have to leave at 6 to put her kid to bed.  No thanks.  So I left it with Betty as just a, “Yeah just let us know when you get home and we can meet up.”  Not only would we have to wait around all day on Betty, but that would also mean HSC would have to hang out with her kid, which is weird for a dateish thing.  I’ll elaborate more on this later in the week, because it was like drama city with Betty all day/night on Saturday.

The day of the big event rolled around and Polly came to pick me up around 3:30.  I had already talked to High School Crush and he was at the festival with his friends ready to meet up.  Polly and I got there, saw a few things we wanted to see then headed to the bar to meet up with HSC. 

Seriously guys, I was so nervous.  Like I could’ve crapped out my stomach it was in so many knots.  At this point, I really didn’t know what us hanging out meant. I still wasn’t even sure if liked me in the way I like him, if he was just being polite and meeting up because we were both there, I didn’t even know if he told his friends that we had been talking.  When we approached the booth he was sitting in, he was with 5 other guys.  One of them saw me and said, “There’s Gizzy.” And the rest of the guys all shifted themselves around so that there was an open seat next to HSC.  I took that as though he had told them.

To make a long story short, we drank, we ate, we flirted, we drank some more, we held hands, we rode a mechanical bull, we flirted some more, we took pictures, and then it was time to leave.  Polly and I had one last attraction we wanted to see before we left the festival and his friends were ready to catch a cab back to their neighborhood.  I invited HSC to come with us to see what we wanted to see and he said ok, even though none of his friends wanted to come.  So he, Polly, and I all took off and we held hands the whole way there.  I know, it’s really childish that I’m excited about a little hand holding but it gave me butterflies, so I’m happy about it. 

After we saw the last thing I told him we’d walk him to where he needed to meet up with his friends to make sure he found them, and then we’d call for our ride.  As we were standing there, we noticed Polly talking to a group of cops (something she does on the reg) and HSC said he wasn’t going to make us walk any further, his friends were a block away so he’d be ok going on his own from there.  We gave each other a hug and he said we needed to make sure we hung out more, I agreed and then he leaned in and kissed me.  THAT’S RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE KISSED!!!!!

After a hot and heavy make out sesh in the middle of the street (so classy) he said we really needed to make sure we hung out more often and said that it sucked we lived far away from each other.  Then he started coming up with plans as to how we can see each other, “We can take the mega bus back and forth. Or meet halfway.” Then I chimed in, “Or we can drive.  It’s only 5 hours, it’s not that far.” “Yeah!” He said, “We can do this.”

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The night I FINALLY hung out with HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH… Part 1

So if I didn’t let on enough, I was SUPER psyched up for this past Friday night.  I had seen on facebook that THE HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH and I would be attending the same party.  It was pretty much now or never.  Something had to happen because this shit has been 12 years in the making and if something didn’t happen this weekend – I was going to give up.  That’s a lie, but for dramaz I’ll keep it.

Betty, her boyfriend, and I went to the party fashionably late.  I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been so nervous. Like, I was almost too nervous to drink.  ME, Gizzy, too nervous to drink! It’s insane.  Every room we walked into I was scanning to try and spot him, there were a few times when I had false alarms and got my hopes up.  I was pretty much convinced that he wasn’t coming and had already texted Lucky saying he wasn’t there.  When finally, the fog cleared (there was no fog) and there he was.  I wanted to feel it out to see how the night was going to go.  In my head, if he acknowledged me first it was going to go well because that means he’s grown up, if I had to acknowledge him it would probably be super awkward and nothing would happen. 

I was standing there chatting with Betty and her boyfriend peaking out of the corner of my eye when I heard someone yell, “GIZZZY!!!!” when I looked over, it was him.  YE-ES!! And a good night it would be!  He waved me over to come talk to him, and when I got to the group first I said hi to his best friend, then got the best effing hug of my life from HSC.

Honestly, it didn’t feel like none of us had hung out in 7 years.  It was like we were all still BFF’s and had just seen each other last week.

Of course, I had a ridiculous ugly Christmas sweater coozie on my beer and was holding the beer by the coozie.  And OF COURSE the beer fell out of the coozie, all over HSC, and I looked like a drunkass even though I was only halvsies drunk – mind you I was double fisting at this point, so it’s probably safe to say I already looked like a drunkass before the beer ever dropped.

There was one girl from high school there, Lindsay.  Lindsay was a girl I wasn’t really friends with in high school, but we were cordial to each other, and she hung out with this same group of guys, so sometimes Lucky and I had to tolerate her and her stupid friends.  Lindsay stood there and Judge Judyed me while I picked up the beer.  She also wasn’t drinking, nor was she wearing an ugly sweater.  When I popped up from picking up the beer I was all, “OMG I’M SO SORRY GUYS! IT WAS THE COOZIE!! THE COOZIE MADE ME DROP IT!!” And she was like, “Ugh I can’t take this, I’m tired, I’m leaving.”  Ok, Judgey McJudgerson – fucking BYE! Get out of here!

Later I told Lucky that it was a blessing from above that the rest of the girls weren’t there.  Because if they had been, things would not have transpired with HSC like they did.

These girls were constantly vagina blocking me in high school.  They snatched him up for every single dance, and basically didn’t give the rest of us an ice cube’s shot in hell with him.  

 But I digress.  Now hey are all married, ugly, and fat so it’s not like he would’ve been hooking up with one of them even if they were there – but his time probably would’ve been consumed by them.  Because they are whores.  I also wouldn’t have felt comfortable standing there talking to him like at all with them standing there looking at me all judgey.  So I owe the guy upstairs big time for throwing me a bone on that one.

Anyway, after Judge Judy left we continued to talk for a while.  The first thing he said to me, “So you live in The Big City now, right?” OOOOOH YEAH.. I never told him or his friends with that I moved – he totallllllly facebook stalks me.  THEN, he mentioned a picture I posted on facebook last week.  I’m probably getting ahead of myself in saying this, but I like to think of it as a little preemptive stalking before the party to see what my deal was.  Uh yes, I’m single, and yeah I look a little better than I did in high school – so leeeets do this!

Mid-conversation Betty pulled me away to ask me something stupid, and when I turned around he was gone.  A little later the party ended and Betty was ready to move on to the next bar.  We were taking 1 last shot when I spotted HSC on the other side of the bar.

Now, I didn’t remind Betty that I’ve liked him for 12 years because she would’ve said inappropriate things that would have turn him off of me. So if at all possible, I wanted to keep her out of the loop and let things progress on their own.  But now, now, we were about to leave and nothing had really happened so if I wanted to stay I was going to have to tell her.  So I did, and no sooner than the words came out of my mouth she took off toward him.  UGH.  Knew it.

I literally had to jump over top of people to grab her arm so that she wouldn’t go talk to him.  And she was all, “But Gizzy, I was just going to tell him that we’re going to a different bar if he’d like to join.” OK, well I’m not a 5 year old, and if I wanted to invite him I would.  Yeah, he gave me some good signals when we were talking earlier, but I don’t know what his deal is, I don’t know if he’s interested so lets just fucking go.  

Now I had to pee but I’d pee my pants before I left her unsupervised in that bar.  So we walked down to the other bar, saw there was a line, decided to go back into the first bar, pee, and then just go home.  Betty and I went into the bathroom together and while we were in there I looked at my phone and had a text. 

From high school crush!

HSC: Hey! It’s HSC.  Are you at bar #2?

At this point I took a time out.  Filled Betty and her bf in on the text and asked if they’d be down to wingman at bar #2?  They said yes.

Me: Not yet, we’re still at bar #1, but we’re about to head there.  Do you want to come with us?

HSC: Yeah, where you at?

Me: By the bathrooms, come meet us!!

HSC: Ok, on my way!

We found each other, took a shot, and headed off to bar #2…

…To be continued Wednesday…

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Desperation is the sincerest form of flattery

Remember a few months ago how I was complaining that the big city sucked so much ass and I wanted to move home?  Well it still does, but not for the same reasons.  I’m slowly but surely making more friends and meeting new people that help occupy my weekends so I don’t feel like a loser – so now I just hate the big city because it’s expensive and there is a lot of traffic.  And still no man for me to make out with.

Which brings me to my next subject.

Friday was Anth’s birthday.  He had decided to have all of his closest friends come to a little restaurant/bar for dinner and drinks to help him celebrate.  Not only did I not want to eat greasy restaurant food, I didn’t want to pay the greasy restaurant price.  So I stopped at the grocery on the way home to get myself some single serving bottles of wine (I know, and I think I’m looking less like a loser) and some sushi. 

As I walked into the grocery store a guy in a big puffy blue coat caught my attention.  I looked over and saw a glimpse of his face as he turned away from me.  My heart jumped up into my throat and I stopped in my tracks while I contorted my body to try and get a better look at his face.  – I was almost certain it was Lucky’s ex.

As I rounded the corner I rubbernecked waiting for him to turn so that I could get a better look.  When I finally saw his face I texted Lucky, “OMG OMG OMG… I think I just saw your ex at the grocery.”

Lucky told me to go back and kill him.  Which I should have.  This is a day I have been waiting like 6 years for.  Remember in the Sex and The City movie when Charlotte is all like, “If I ever see Big I’m going to say ‘I curse the day you were born!’” And then she sees him and says it?  That’s kind of how this was – except my plan was to punch him in the face.  Since I wasn’t 100% sure it was him I carried on with my shopping thinking it couldn’t have been, because what would he have been doing at the grocery wifeless at 5pm on a Friday night?  That is, until Lucky confirmed it was him Sunday night after one of his friends told her that he said he saw me.  Now I’m on the prowl, brass knuckles in tow. 

Anyway, I got my sushi and my wine, went home and hoovered it, then met the rest of the crew out for Anth’s birthday.  To my surprise there were some people there I didn’t know – and some other’s I would’ve never expected to see.  Like, HOTTIE’s best friend and roommate.  Fortunately we stayed on neutral subjects and avoided any talk about HOTTIE, so who knows what he is up to, he could be married and Jewish now for all I know.

After a while I noticed a hot quiet guy in the corner being mauled by our friend that talks non-stop.  I was just drunk enough, so when I saw her leave for the bathroom I made my move.  I had to be quick, since I knew the non-stop talker would be back in less than 5 minutes.  It was like speed dating for drunks and every half hour or so when she would go to the bathroom or the bar I got to run back over there for a quick chatty.  We were about to exchange numbers when Anth threw up and everyone put me in charge of taking him home.  Awesome. 

As I’m gathering my things and closing out the tab, the hot guy comes up to me and says infront of everyone, “Aww no more battle for Brian?  I was just about to make my decision who the winner is that gets to take me home!” Ummm… shame.   I didn’t say anything, but everyone burst out laughing, moments before this guy arrived I had told everyone that tonight was going to be the night – I was going to find someone to make out with if it killed me!  So yeah, that’s pretty humiliating – I just left and bought myself a cheeseburger on the way home. 

Saturday I went to visit a friend in a city close by hometown where a lot of people from mine and Lucky’s high school now live.  I was excited to go out and be able to drink for the entire night for under $30 and catch up with my friend.  As soon as we walked in the first bar I saw 2 guys from high school that Lucky and I had just been talking about earlier that day.  One of them had just gotten engaged and the other was recently married, so we had been voicing our opinions on that.  I avoided them until the end of the night when they finally found me and were all….”Gizzy! How are you? What are you doing here? Are you married?”

Literally, first 10 seconds of seeing me, are you married, really?  Before I elaborate on this crap, let me back track a few days to a phone call I got from my ex-roommate (Mom) where she told me that she had dinner at one of my high school guy friends parent’s house and the guy was there and asked about me.  She said he asked about my job and how I liked living in the big city, then he asked if I was married and my mom told him no.  My mom proceeded to tell me that the guy was just in complete and utter shock that I wasn’t married.  To which I said to my mom, ok… why is it so shocking? I’m 26, not 45.  And my mom was like, “Well you’re just so pretty and such a good catch.” And I said “Exactly, so I’m holding out for a guy who is really hot and also a good catch.” – So everyone needs to LAY OFF!

Of course, last week after my co-worker made me feel like my existence is meaningless because I’m single, this conversation with my mom, and now these two guys from high school questioning my singleness, I was a tad bit annoyed with how my being single is some kind of world shattering news. 

Anyway, I told the guys no I’m not married, I’m single, no boyfriend, no prospects, no sex, no making out, I’m basically a nun.  They then started to exchange stories of how one of them tried to date me once, but I wasn’t having it and how I’m too good for everyone and how they both would’ve married me.  I let it go on for a few minutes until I finally said – ok guys, you’re both married, and I’m right here… so let’s stop this.

Then they asked about Lucky and her job and were commenting on how she’s a big deal.  I told them that she’s famous and better than everyone, one of them used to have a thing with Lucky and I told him he missed out (right in front of his wife, zing!).  Then they asked if she was married.  NO, NO she’s not.  She’s just a big single wench like me.  God.

When the night finally came to a close I got in line at a sub-shop for some drunk food.  As I was walking out the door shoving sandwich in my face I saw two more guys from high school, High School Crush’s best friends to be exact.  I wasn’t all that surprised because they both live in the area.  We started chatting and then they informed me that HSC was in town and was right next door at a different restaurant and that I should go over there.  I thought about it, I really did, but then I thought do I want to be the girl that shows up at 3:30 in the morning “To say hi”?  Not that anything would’ve happened, but I was drunk and wasn’t mentally prepared for it, I also didn’t have on my perfect outfit and my make up was pretty much melted off my face.  You know what they say, nothing good ever happens after 2am, or is it 11?  Either way, the time had passed and I opted out and just told the friends to tell him hi for me. 

 And, end weekend.

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Raz-Ma-Taz Weekend Part 2

As we concluded last time, I was with some of my friends in a different state, drunk, and we were being summoned by the police… (My life kind of really is like an episode of cops.  Such shame.)

We approach the po-po and he immediately goes after the angry girl, accusing her of being loud and dramatic for no reason.  He didn’t even see what happened with the whole rickshaw thing, but he was right.  He told her to remove herself from the situation or he would arrest her.  And off she went. 

When we finally got a cab back to our Motel (it was as close to staying in a motel 6 as I ever want to get) and we all passed out because we had to be up in about, oh 4 hours, to start drinking again.  Being in your 20’s is so rough.

When the morning came we were all dragging ass, but we made it to a bar and had our first beer in hand by 10am.  At 11:30 I decided it was close enough to the afternoon for shots and off we went.  The rest of the day was kind of a blurr, I remember eating a lot of fried cheese – which is disgusting, but we just kept ordering it. 

At some point we made it to someone’s friend’s house where a bunch of PHd students were posted up.  We came in, all drunk, with 2 cases of bud light and a package of meat hooting and hollering like a bunch of cavemen.  It was gross.   The rest of the time being at that house is kind of a blurr too, the next thing I know we’re all standing in the front yard mooning the people across the street and telling them they had AIDS.  I know, I know.

Eventually we made it to another bar, where we drank dark beer and ate more fried cheese, played pool, and danced to Hanson.  And we were the only ones acting this way.  It was like a chill adult bar and I can’t believe we didn’t get kicked out.  Here I am having a gay old time not giving a shit because the only people I know in this state are my friends. 
THEN, these two girls approach us just about the time I’m getting ready to show everyone how good I am at freestyling…. “Gizzy???” Oh. Shit.

It was two of my sorority sisters, one of them lived in a nearby city and the other was visiting her for the weekend.  They were at this bar, with their husbands, not being waste faces, and there I was being the single Gizzy they all knew and hated (for getting our house put on probation for hiring male strippers and buying a keg for my senior night) stuffing my face with fried goods and spilling drinks on myself – just like in college.  Nothing has changed.

In college they were the type of girls that would drink but would never get too drunk.  They were never out of control, never made fools of themselves, always had boyfriends because they were classy and collected.  The non-alcoholics if you will.  And I was the opposite.

Anyway, I bought us a shot to celebrate one of the girl’s birthdays and they were quick to rush me away after that when their husbands approached.  Clearly they know the repercussions of me being drunk better than anyone.  But you know what, who cares, like I told every bartender that weekend – “I’m on vacation so make it a double.”

After that everyone rushed up to me being all, “Omg Gizzy, did you know those girls? How awful.  We are all shitfaced.” Yep, I know.  Give me some cheese. 

At 10:30pm and a mere 8 pitchers of dark 9% alcohol beer later none of us could stand and we had been cut off by our waitress.  And there we were, back outside, playing the waiting game for a cab.  We made it back and no sooner than I could get the key in the door my motel-mate for the weekend pushed passed me and went straight to vom in the toilet…. And she kept going, and going, and going… for the next 4 hours. 

The next day we drove home, all hungover and wanting to die, I found a random half pound hot pocket in my bag that night and the rest is history.  All in all it was a great trip and I’m really happy I went.  So I’ll just leave it at that.

On next week’s episode of Gizzy is forever doomed to be single because she can’t get it together:

Gizzy takes a trip to another city to see old college friends/drink her face off.

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Raz-Ma-Taz Weekend Part 1

Before I go into details on my raz-ma-taz weekend away, I need to tell you all a story of something that happened to me on Friday…

 I was sitting in my cube at work minding my own business when the crazy old Asian man came up and striked up a conversation with me, he asked how I am and if I had a lot of work, which the answer is always yes.  He said he does too but he wanted to socialize instead of work.  Well, don’t we all. 

Then he asked if I had any big plans for the weekend, I didn’t want to go into detail about my trip and carry the convo on even longer, so I just said no that I’d probably just be hanging out at home.  Then he asked what I did the night before and makes the assumption that I had a pajama party with my roommates (I have yet to tell him that I live with 2 frat guys) I laughed and said no I just watched tv like I do every night.  He said, “Ohh every night? Until your boyfriend calls up and says lets go do something, right?” I replied, “No no, that doesn’t happen, I don’t have a boyfriend.” He gasped, “YOU DON’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I rolled my eyes, “Nope.” And he said, “No boyfriend, well what are you doing with your life?”

 Like, really? Just because I am still single my whole life is a waste? I wasn’t aware that a single girl in her twenties was such a disgrace to mankind. 

THEN he said, “Is it because of your religion or something?” Like yes, a suburban white girl from America is a part of a religion that doesn’t allow her to date until her parents will her away to a spouse of their choosing.  Come. On. 

 After he offended me and basically told me to go kill myself because I have no reason for being in existence unless I’m in a relationship, he spilled coffee all over my papers.  Just seriously, get the fuck out of my cube.  Christ.

Anyway, the weekend away for the football game was a freaking BLAST.  I really needed it, and although I was hesitant to go I’m so happy that I did.  I haven’t laughed that hard in YEARS.  My stomach muscles are sore just from laughing.  Anyway, here’s what went down…

We had all planned to meet at Anth’s office in the suburbs around 5:45-6 o’clock to head out.  I work the furthest away from Anth’s office and needed to leave by 4 to get there by 6.  Well, because of a meeting I took with a hot doctor (a story for another day) I didn’t get to leave work until 4:45… awesome.  My plan was to drop my car off at my apartment and take the subway to his office – by the time I got home it was already 5:45, then I spent another half hour looking for a cab to take my to the subway.  No dice.  

At 6:15 I texted Anth to just leave without me because I didn’t want to make everyone wait.  He was all, we’re not leaving without you, just get here.  So at 7:15 I pull up, we got some dinner and off we went for a 2 hour drive.

We got to our hotel about 10:15.  And let me tell you, this place was a GEM.  One of the girls found blood on her sheets and the beds were all like mini-sized.  Which I wasn’t expecting.  Typically all hotel beds look pretty much the same no matter what hotel you’re staying at.  But these beds were clearly made for midgets and they got a deal on them. The crappy hotel definitely added to the experience though since we were all drunk and afraid to go to sleep.

We ended up going out to an “undergrad bar” and found no attractive people (that means no 21 year old college boys for me to make out with).  Although, Anth did get his butt grabbed twice by passer bys.  

We all got the perfect amount of drunk and closed down the bar.  As I’ve mentioned before, I live in one of the larger US  cities where it’s not necessary to call for a cab.  You just wave your hand and 50 of them appear (except on Friday night).  None of us really took that into account so we were waiting for a good 45 minutes after the bars closed for a cab to come get us.

While we’re waiting we see a rickshaw pass by with a couple in it.  You don’t see a lot of those in the big city (they should probably have them though) and we were all pointing and giggling like, OMG lets find a rickshaw to take back to our hotel. 

Apparently the angry black girl riding on the rickshaw thought we were making fun of her for riding in it and started yelling and hanging out of it being all, “BITCH! It’s cheap. This is what you gotta do in this economy.” And we were just like whatevs and carried on with our conversation. 

The next thing I know the rickshaw driver pulled over and they sat there for a minute.  Then the angry girl got out and walked over and got up in our faces. 

I’m still not entriely sure what she was saying, I just know spit was flying and fingers were being pointed and she kept calling the guys bitches and then she told us all that we were the 1%.   Which pissed us all off.  That whole we are the 99% occupy wallstreet thing irritates the piss out of me to begin with because it’s another thing that people are wasting their time on that nothing will ever come from.  Anyway, we all just told her to get back on rickshaw and leave us alone and that she was cray cray…

  THEN, the coppers showed up… *boop*boop* they jumped out of the car and said, “We’re going to need you all to come with us…”

…To be continued…

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The return of every guy I’ve ever dated… and a Brit.

I’m just going to cut right to it, last week started off with a bang, Sunday night I got another text from Douchearoo:

“Thank you, just thank you for being so normal.”

I decided not to reply to this one, because really? Is this what he’s going to do every time him and his crazy pants girlfriend get into a fight and she throws stuff at his ugly face, or whatever it is that crazy pants girlfriends do?  I don’t need anyone to remind me that I’m not crazy, but thank you anyway Douchearoo.   I’m sure he feels like a big douche right now, as he should.

Monday, I got a text from Texas…. he’s baaaack, for good. I opted out of hanging out with him last week because I just need time to adjust to the fact that I’m going to have to start drinking during the week and that I might just have to throw in the towel and make out with him.  He seems all right after what I went through this weekend.

Saturday, Betty came for a visit.  We started drinking pretty much the second she arrived.  5 or 6 hours later we made our way downtown to a bar next to a concert hall.

We walk in, grab a seat, and start to suck down drinks when I hear someone walk up behind me and say… “Gizzy?” I turn around to see that it’s Snoop-Linus.  What. The. Fuck.  He pulls up a chair, is wasted and acting like a drunk asshole, pulls out a wad of cash and says, “I’ll take this to the store right now and buy you a ring, I’ll do it, and we’ll go to Vegas tonight.”  Um, good for you but I don’t want to marry you, or talk to you, ever.   But what I really said was, “What kind of asshole walks around with that much cash?  You’re going to get robbed, idiot!” He proceeded to tell me that he was at the bar alone, and was about to attend a concert alone next door, because his phone was dead and he doesn’t know where his friends are.  

Then, he ordered me, Betty, and the 3 old men to his right drinks, then got in a fight with the female bartender that ended in her buying him a drink.  And I was just flabbergasted.  At this point I got up, and said… “Well this has been grand.  Goodbye.”  Walked out of the bar grabbed a cab.  Of course he chased us out asking if he could stay at my place, if I would give him another chance, and if we could just talk in private for a minute.   Now, seriously, what the fuck!?  I couldn’t even say anything, I just got in the cab… there are no words.  

Yesterday I get a text from a number not in my phone saying, “I’m in love with you and never stopped loving you.  I would give you the stars and the moon if I could.”  I replied being all, “Uhh who is this?” and it was Snoop-Linus.  Apparently he lost his dead phone Saturday night and decided to get a new number.   I just can’t even be funny about this because it’s that stupid, what an idiot.

Anyway, after we dipped out on Snoop-Linus, Betty and I came across an underground tavern.  We went in and started playing a game of pool when these two guys in suits came up to us… 

One was engaged, one was not, one was 36, one was 29, one was cute, one was not, one was British, one was not, and they were both professional tennis players.  

That conversation went down like so, “What do you guys do?”… “Well, we’re going to sound like asshole’s, but we’re tennis pros.” Yep, you’re right.  You do sound like assholes.

Since Betty is basically married she took it upon herself to pair me with the 36 year old, not cute, single, british guy… I mean ok, his accent was cool and it was fun to talk to someone who has traveled the world and done cool things that I haven’t.  But pretty much as soon as I started talking to the guy he was saying shit about how we were going to get married.  Which I’m just like, have some tact man.  You’re british, you’re supposed to be classy.  

I mentioned mine and Lucky’s 30th birthday Euro trip, since he is from Europe he had some interesting things to say… he asked where we’d be going and I said, “Well we haven’t really talked about it, but probably some of your standard European countries/cities…. London, Paris, Italy…maybe Greece and Spain?”  Well, being a “pretentious European asshole” (his words not mine) he pretty much had to put his 2 cents in about everything I had to say about it.  “Ugh.. why would you want to go to Greece!”  “Ummm… because it’s beautiful.  That’s why.  I actually would like to honeymoon in the Greek Isles if I can ever meet a guy who isn’t a douche.”  Then he proceeded to tell me that he knows someone with “fabulous summer homes” in each of these countries that we could stay at.  I mean that’s cool, but #1 this trip is 4 years from now and #2 you’re not coming, so thanks for bragging but no thanks.  

The conversation from there on out got a little blurry because I was drinking heavily to avoid all that awkwardness… the next thing I remember him saying is that he’s from Wales and it’s like the West Virginia of England – I was wasted so I just thought that was down right hilarious and started saying, “Prince Harry of West Virginia!” in my finest British accent to everyone in the bar.  

THEN! The other guy’s fiance and her friend bust through the bar doors with massive chips on their shoulder.  With good reason, I guess.  They left and dragged the engaged guy out with them. So Betty, myself, and the Brit were left at the bar to drink.  The next thing I know after that I hear Betty inviting the Brit back to my place.   Which I don’t do.  I’ll hang out with strangers in a bar, but we’re not in college anymore – we can’t just be inviting random guys back to my apartment, but he came anyway.   I offered him a beer, apologized for the fact that I live in a frat house, and got into my pajamas as a hint to him that it was time to go.  He stuck around for a few hours and finally took the hint after I wouldn’t let Betty leave the two of us in the room alone, but not before he could get my number.  

Not 2 seconds after he walked out my front door he texted me, “Would you like to grab a movie or a bite on Monday evening? It was really nice to meet you tonight.”

I didn’t reply.

The next morning I get another text from him, “Morning! If you girls would like to come to the tennis club for breakfast this morning, come on in, it’s on me!” (The tennis place he practices at is like a block from my apartment.  Yay.)

4 hours later I replied, at 2pm.  “Ohh sorry, we just got out of bed.”

“No worries, I am jealous you got to sleep in.  I have been training since 6:30!  Can I call you later?”

I didn’t reply.

Later that night he texts me again, “Hey how was your day?  I’m bloody exhausted.  I was wondering if you’d like to grab a drink on Tuesday night?”

I replied yesterday morning saying, “My day was good, I have plans Tuesday night (lie) but thanks.”

He replied, “How about bowling on Wednesday?”

So I pulled the unthinkable, “I’m actually leaving for a business trip for the next week.” Another lie.  ECK!

So he says, “Safe travels, lets catch up next week.  It would be fun to hang out.”

I know that lying was wrong, but I don’t have it in my heart to tell someone that I’m just flat out not interested.  He’ll get the hint right? Betty was all, why don’t you just hang out with him and tell him it’s just as friends?  Because! Yes I know I am looking for friends, but I am looking for friends that are in my generation..and he’s 36, that’s 10 years older than me and quite honestly it makes me a little uncomfortable to even think about it.   I just came to terms with the fact that I might have to date a guy who is 30, so 36 is like really pushing it. 

Now, before everyone starts calling me an ageist and posting nasty things about me on your own blogs and start commenting saying I should give the guy a chance because love has no age and all that bullshit… Let me just say that this is my life and if I don’t want to get to know an old man I don’t have to and anyone who doesn’t like it can kiss my ass.   I’ll do what I want! Damnit!

Then I got a text from Dina yesterday begging me to come out with her and Sweater Vest next weekend, because “he really wants to see me”.  And I just realized that I’ve never told you about Sweater Vest…

Sigh

I’m tired.

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I’ll take breathe right strips for $1,000, Alex.

So the other night it’s bedtime and I’m laying in bed on my computer catching up on some of my favorite blogs, when I hear something that sounds like snoring.  This was all too familiar because of that whole mouse in my room mulling in plastic bags situation.  I sat there without moving and listened to see if I could determine whether it was really snoring or just something super annoying outside.

I couldn’t tell where it was coming from, I mean it literally sounded like it was coming from inside my room (annnd just as I typed this I remembered Anth telling me they came home from a bar Saturday night and the front door was standing wide open, makes sense, there’s probably a hobo/ax murderer sleeping in my closet).  I crept over to the door to see if it sounded like it was coming from Anth’s room and I couldn’t hear it anymore, yet when I get back in bed, there it was! 

I laid there for a while wondering if the snake had gotten out and was hiding under my covers somewhere ready to attack, but snakes don’t snore? Did we get a dog that no one told me about?

Then I started thinking that it was my neighbor who shares a wall with me.  The past few months I’ve been able to hear everything through the wall.  It was like they hadn’t been living in that room and then all of a sudden the whole freaking family sleeps, eats, and poops in this room that shares a wall with my bedroom.

I hear the tv on until the wee hours of the night, I hear when they leave early in the morning and forget to shut their alarm off and it goes off for 2 hours, and I also hear their baby up at 5am making stupid baby noises.  

I would be lying if I said I didn’t take rocks out of this vase in my room:


And throw them out of this door in my room:


 

 

so that they hit my neighbors window when that baby is being loud.  Not that the baby can pick up on subtle cues that she’s keeping the neighbors up with her noises, but I’m figuring the parents will think the room is haunted or something and move her out of it and make it a guest room so I can finally sleep in peace.  I’m still waiting, but it will happen.

Speaking of snoring, Anth, some friends, and I are going on a weekend getaway the first weekend of November.  We just booked it and I kind of am already regretting it/thinking of ways to get out of it.  Our college football team is playing at a University in the state above ours and I don’t know, for some reason everyone thought it would be a good idea to go.

We pondered on renting an RV and parking it at a Walmart overnight (that… is the most white trash sentence I have ever written) and then someone was like, so whose going to drive the hotel to the Walmart shitfaced?  Good point, so Anth booked us 4 hotel rooms 8 miles from the bar scene and we’ll be cabbing it.

I had a few conditions that needed to be met before I would agree to partake in this weekend o fun:

1. At no point during the trip from the time we leave the apartment to the time we arrive back in our city can Anth or anyone else insult me in a way that will make me wander off alone to get attention.  See: Missing girls.

2.  I need my own bed.

3.  Whoever shares a room with me cannot poop while I am in the room.  I’m sorry, I know it’s a natural thing, but I have a weak stomach.

Anth said it was fine and he would just share a room with me.  I said ok… then that mystery snoring happened and I remembered from a New Years Eve where I slept in the same room as Anth that he snores like a freight train.  So, now I need to cancel.  Because as much fun as that weekend will probably be.  I really like my sleep on the weekends.  Sleep > drinking on a lawn in the cold. 

And on that note… I hope everyone has a good weekend.  One of my ex-boyfriends who Anth and all my big city friends are good friends with is getting married this weekend, I wasn’t invited, so Betty is coming up to binge eat with me for a few days.  Ta ta now.

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