Tag Archives: beach

Wakeboarding Monkey

Today, in an attempt to not bore everyone with a story you probably don’t care about, I’m leaving you with this picture of a wakeboarding monkey…also, my office smells like a straight up toilet and it’s really cramping my writing style.

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11 weeks and 11 pounds

This week has been a real whirlwind for me, first because of all the unexpected contact with guys from my past over the weekend.  Then, as soon as I got to work yesterday I had a missed voicemail from my stepmom, saying my dad was in the hospital.  She didn’t leave much detail, only saying that he was bitten by a snake twice, he was ok, but would be in the hospital over night.

So I started to freak out and basically got nothing done at work yesterday.  It took me forever to get ahold of them and when I finally did they were just kind of ho hum about it.  Apparently my dad was with my grandpa at his country cabin and my dad was mulling around in a wood pile and when he pulled his hand out and it was gushing blood, swollen, and had 4 fang marks where the blood was coming from.  My grandpa had some kind of venom extraction do-hickey at his cabin so they tried that, but it didn’t work so they took my dad to the hospital where his motor skills were becoming slow and he was having trouble breathing… the works.

He didn’t see what kind of snake bit him, but they could tell from the side effects that it was venomous. He is ok, he gets to go home in the late morning and I still hate snakes.  I mean really… could anything else bad happen with snakes? Oh right, I forgot to mention that over the weekend when Betty was visiting she wanted to make sure the snake was in the cage and  we discovered that in fact it is not and Doogie has yet to inform anyone, but took the liberty of shutting off the heat lamp to save some energy and a few bucks.

So I told Anth that because of what happened to my dad it’s totally justifiable that I murder Doogie’s snake if it’s ever found…. and he told me that I need to reevaluate what is a big deal and what isn’t.  I mean…. my dad being in the hospital is a big deal, fucking asshole.  He claimed that me hating Doogie’s snake wasn’t a big deal because it’s a boa and it can’t do anything to me.  But, the simple fact that I could wake up in the middle of the night to that thing trying to choke me out because Doogie is so careless with it is plenty of reason to be afraid of it and want it dead.  I stand by my opinion – Anth’s an asshole!

Anyway… exactly 11 weeks from today I leave for Hawaii!! And that means I am getting down to the diet crunch time.  I’ve been slack assing on the working out because I’ve been super stressed at work, but I made the decision to make myself work out every day for the next 11 weeks and then after that I can go back to being fat.

So, if anyone wants to join my weight loss crusade I’ve done some research and here’s how it’s going down.  3500 calories = 1 pound.  But, you don’t lose a pound just by cutting 3500 calories out of your diet… it has to be a 3500 calorie deficit.  So you start with your resting (or basal) metabolic rate… I’m going with 1200 calories per day, but here’s a link to find yours in case you aren’t a 26 year old, 120 pound, 5 foot 3, female.

So every day my base calorie intake is 1200 calories, anything over is weight gain and anything under is weight loss.  To lose 1 pound a week I need to either burn 500 calories a day by exercising or only eat 700 calories.  So I’m going to need some ideas from everyone on low calorie foods that I can eat a lot of because only lazy days when I don’t want to work out I’m going to need some tasty ideas!

I ordered this Victoria’s Secret seashell/mermaid bikini

I was pretty disappointed last night when I tried it on and it didn’t look the same on me as it does this girl… so, operation lose a pound a week from now until I leave for Hawaii is in full force.  

Any dieting tips/staying strong advice/words of wisdom anyone has…give it to me!

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Gizzy vs. Big City

I would like to say ditto to Lucky’s post yesterday.  I’m bored with my life and I just moved 8 months ago.  I think a lot of it is because I’m not meeting new people that I like and want to hang out with and because it’s a hassle to try to go out and find new people.  Not a hassle as in going up to people and striking up a conversation, it’s just a hassle to go out.  After roaming the streets waiting for an empty cab to pick you up, waiting in traffic when you finally get a ride, and scoping out the scene I’m exhausted before I ever even get my first drink and I’ve already spent $20 and an hour out.  Let alone my friends here are all dudes.  That’s problem #2.  I’m missing the token partner in crime.  

When Lucky was here we had a blast.  We were meeting people left and right and it was the first time since I had moved to the big city that I gave a guy my number.  When I’m out with a group of guys it’s like no one will come up to me because I’m standing there with 3 dudes, but then I don’t feel comfortable going up to hot guys because what do I say? Hey do you wanna come do some shots with me and my friends…Anth, JM, and Doogie? You guys will have tons in common! You all have weiners.

I guess my first step, as lesbian as it sounds, would be to meet a single girl to go out with.  Then we can go out and meet guys.  I do have Jess, but she’s one of those girls.  And by those girls I mean she is the type of girl where yes she is a cute girl, but she’s no prettier than me or any other girl, but some how she gets all the guys.  Yeah, maybe it’s because she can’t handle her booze and gets drunk after one drink and guys think shes easy or maybe it’s because she makes it a point to eye fuck the shit out of every guy that she thinks is attractive.  Maybe a little of both.

But while we’re being honest, I don’t think my soulmate/person I’m going to marry is in this city – I’m here for my career.  100% of the guys I have met in this city are into themselves and themselves only and I am not into that.  It’s exactly like college.  The only thing they do on the weekend is party and get laid. 

For example, 2 weekends ago I had plans to go to the beach and hang out with Jess.  After the beach we were going to come back get ready and go out for a girls night. 20 minutes before she’s supposed to be at my apartment she calls me and says she’s bringing her friend Mary, fine with me. 

When she gets to my apartment she informs me that we’re going to meet her flavor of the week, his friend, and cousin at the beach and they want us to bring a bottle of alcohol and they will get chasers.  Unfair, but whatever I have an exccess of booze from my days as a liquor promoter so I grabbed a bottle of that and we were on our way.

We get to the beach and first I meet Jess’ flavor, he’s cute but totally into himself and barely paid her any attention all day long because he was busy picking up other girls on the beach right in front of her face.  I mean why wouldn’t he? She had already slept with him on their first date so there’s nothing else to look forward to.  So he got wasted (off of my alcohol) and wandered around looking for his next piece of ass.

While on the other hand, his cousin (to my surprise, was The Bed Wetter) and friend had their sights focused on me.  Before the friend ever heard me speak a word had already told Jess that he liked me, and Jess had already conveyed the information to me.  Like no, he doesn’t like me, he likes the way I look and wants to fuck me.  After I started the down slope to 30 I decided I’m not dealing with guys like that anymore because they’re the assholes that will inevitiably fuck me over.  Because honestly?  What in the hell makes this guy think he even stands a chance with me?  Not that I am some beauty queen awesome person who thinks they’re better than everyone else, but you really think we are 12 years old and you can tell my friend you like me and I’ll just rip my clothes off?

This is what I mean, every guy here is full of themselves.  If they have a corporate job they think they’re awesome and they can get any girl that their stone cold hearts desire.  No thank you.

So anyway, I’ve made the executive decision that once I’ve been at my job for 1 year (January) I’m going to start the job search again.  I think I’ve proven to anyone that gives a shit that I can make it in the big city and now I’m over it.  If I’m ever going to get married and settle down I don’t want it to be with one of these full of themselves assholes who will probably have an affair with his sexretary. 

The people here aren’t good people, and that’s what I need in my life.  I’ve prooven myself and there’s 5 months left on the clock, so here you go Big City… it’s your turn. 

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Enough is enough

I finally did it.  At approximately 1:45am on Saturday night I blocked Snoop-Linus from facebook.  I know, I know… it’s facebook who gives a fuck, right?  Well this is big and it’s also the only thing that will get through to him that he needs to just leave me alone forever.  What finally pushed me to do the unthinkable?  We’ll have to step back a few months to fully grasp the situation.

All summer I have been getting random phone calls and texts from Snoop-Linus, most of them say he misses me and he loves me yada yada, there’s been a few curve balls in there where he fights with himself over the voicemail and a few I haven’t been able to understand.  98% of the calls are when he’s drunk, half of the texts are from the following days apologizing for the calls, some of the other texts are him asking for his 2 t-shirts that I still have of his back.  Some of them are him asking how I’m doing and all that jazz.

Occasionally when I’m in a deep enough sleep and I don’t look at who is calling I answer the 4am drunk dials.   Which happened when Lucky got stuck in Texas for her flight.  I heard the phone ringing, thought it was her, so I picked up.  Little did I know it was Snoop-Linus calling to tell me he loves me or something.

Anyway, to catch everyone up to speed, last week I finally asked him to stop contacting me.  And gave the whole, “You cheated on me, this will NEVER happen, we will NEVER be together again, because of YOU.  I said I would mail you your shirts, there is nothing else that needs to be said. The end.”

After I sent that text I surprisingly didn’t get a response, and haven’t heard from him since.  Problem solved right? I still haven’t mailed his shirts, and now he’s never getting them back.  They are my payoff for ending it over a year ago and still have to deal with him doing everything he can to get a reaction out of me.

So Saturday rolls around, I had plans to meet up with my friend Jess and go to the beach (stories to come Wednesday) we’re on our way there when she’s telling me that she texted Snoop-Linus because he had told her that him and her ex-boyfriend were going to the beach that day as well.  So she texted him to find out where they would be so we were sure not to be there.  He said he hadn’t talked to her ex since Thursday but said he was still going to the beach.  She asked who with and he replied with some shady answer that didn’t really answer the question and she didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day.

We never saw him, so…good.  Saturday night approaches and Jess says we should go to her friends apartment party.  So we do.  Everyone there was young, extremely drunk, and lame.  Maybe I was the lame one, but I wasn’t drunk, so whatever.  More stories on that Wednesday too, but just know, I was sober and annoyed.  So we go out to the bars.

When we get to the bar I order water because I’m so fucking annoyed/pissed that I’m out with these night ruiners (or so I think).  So I’m sitting there, slurping down my water, looking on facebook when I see it.  A picture of Snoop-Linus and whore #2 posted less than an hour earlier, standing in front of the baseball stadium with the caption, “Happy Birthday!!!”  I was sitting in the bar across the street from the baseball stadium when I saw this picture.  Like literally, looked up from where I was sitting and saw the exact background of the picture that was just taken moments earlier.

I had to sit there and think for a while.  I knew this was coming eventually, I called it.  I told everyone this would happen, not with some girl, but with THIS girl.  Because he’s too big of an asshole and too bad of a person to not hurt me as much as he can.  He has to feel like he’s won.  He has to know he beat me down as much as any one person can beat another person down emotionally.  He has to feel like he’s ruined love for me forever.  And he has to know he made me cry again after I told him I would never cry over him again, so he posted the picture.  Since the invention of facebook and “mobile uploads” Snoop-Linus has uploaded 10 pictures.  1 of them is of his old dog, and 9 of them are from sporting events or skylines.  Not one of them is of a person or people, not once throughout the course of our 2 year relationship did he take a picture of us, let alone take a picture of us and upload it to facebook that very minute.  He knows that this girl is the one person I hate on Earth more than him, he knows that if he puts a picture on facebook of them I’ll see it and I’ll know he brought her to the city, MY CITY, where I live, NOT him, NOT her, ME, for her birthday and that they’re exclusive enough that he took her out to do something special for her birthday.  Not only did he bring her to the city in which I live and work, he brought her to my neighborhood.  The neighborhood that I live in, and the neighborhood and bars that he knows I go out to.  He did this to get to me.

I was pretty overwhelmed with emotions at first.   I didn’t know if I wanted to cry, scream, drink, throw my phone through the window, hook up with the  first guy I saw, do nothing, or go hunt him down and saw off his penis with a butter knife.

I decided all of the above weren’t good options, except the last one, but lets be real.  I asked Jess to come to the bathroom with me, told her what I saw and said I didn’t feel like staying out and I was going home.  #1 Because I did need to cry, and now that I’m on the down slope to 30 I can’t be seen crying in a bar #2 I didn’t want to see them out, chances are if I would’ve stayed out, I would have.  

Jess said she would come back with me so we hailed a cab and the whole time she’s sitting there asking if I know that I’m better than him? Of course I know I’m better than him.  I’m not a cheater, liar, and I don’t use drugs.  I’d say I’m worlds better, but the fact of the matter is… he posted the picture to hurt me.  And it did.  So I blocked his lying, cheating, scumbag ass and didn’t say a fucking word. Post another picture, asshole.  I won’t see it.

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To Gizzy’s house: part IV.

Ah, when we awoke the next morning it was the glorious 4th of July. AMERICA! ‘MERICA! As we proudly proclaimed all day long.

But my mood quickly changed from happy and celebratory to confused, and, well…more confused.

After we passed out the night before, Clay had sent me a text around 3 am wanting to know what I was doing. Since I was sleeping, I didn’t respond. Then at 9 am, he sent me a good morning text.

While I was reading the “good morning” text and sifting through some others, he sent me ANOTHER text saying this:

“U don’t have to ignore me you know. Asshole. Thats hypocritical of me sorry I was a dick but ur gender has yet to prove other than a vagina ur existence is not necessary. OK that was mean I’m sorry u r extremely attractive and I really have not stopped thinking about u can we try this again”

If you’re wondering, yes, that was all crammed into one text message and yet another example of Clay having a legit conversation by himself. Nothing like calling me an asshole and a member of a worthless gender and then wanting to meet up.  Picture me, cackling through this all. 

I replied back with a solid “well, good morning.” We had a weird conversation about how I wasn’t ignoring him per se I was just wary of getting involved with him because he had a girlfriend. To which he said…

UMM YOU NEED TO CHECK MY FACEBOOK.

Okay, douche, I don’t check Facebook every fucking day to see if you and your woman are together or not. Frankly, I don’t give a flying fuck.

Anyway, the dude was drunk, so Gizzy and I check Facebook to see what exactly happened. And this is the slew of Facebook statuses we see:

Ok I refuse to be with a whore, I am single, so ladies lets have fun.  I have only 3 weeks left lets do the damn thing and stop thinking about tomorrow.

I hate my life, and the stupid bitch that told me I was everything to her, that’s bullshit, where is she tonight? Not with me.  I hope your aborted children provide you with a supportive landing in hell.

Happy 4th LOL

Clay is going to establish alcoholism today being as my first beer was pounded at 8:39 you’re welcome now who will join me in celebrating our country’s birthday?

If whites only come out at night why do I drink during the day?

If whores only come out at night why do I drink during the day?

  • Comment: Jackie – are you drunk?
  • Comment: Clay – if you’re wondering if I’m drinking, yes, and if I’m drunk, yes, but if you say it like that it sounds uneducated.  All I’m doing is flushing my kidneys and destroying my liver if I could put this shit in an IV I would, because it would save me the time of putting my beer to my mouth and allow me to come up with awesome status updates even faster.
  • Comment: Jackie – I would’ve asked how you’ve been but it’s pretty clear.
  • Comment: Clay – it’s clear that your gender has castrated me for the last time, and I am no longer obligated to believe you thundercunts are nice people.  So why would I? Assholes finish first right? Fuck the world, I’m about to kick it down the escalator.

Whores are like fireworks, you only shoot them at night and yet at first they look innocent but after a few shots they explode on you causing pain if not careful.

  • Comment: Clay – happy 4th retards
  • Comment: friend – you’re on a roll today
  • Comment: Clay – give me some butter
  • Comment: Barb – clay be good
  • Comment: Clay- if by good you mean break the female gender down by targeting her weakest attribute and convincing her to sleep with me because she is emotionally unstable then yes I will be good and good at it.  Sorry miss lady you are excluded from this list because you have always been awesome to me and to everyone else love you so much.

 I was once told to be good or good at it.  Happy 4th retards.

When I asked Clay what happened with his ex to make him so upset he said, “She’s a cock juggling thundercunt.” Another AWESOME line that worked itself into our vocabulary the rest of the day.

Fair enough.

To celebrate such a glorious holiday, Gizzy and I put on our swimsuits and headed out looking for beer and anything festive. ‘MERICA! Well, we didn’t find anything festive, but we got the beer and some ice and packed them both into what Gizzy thought was a cooler, when it was really a large thermal container made for a damn crock pot.  Don’t knock it till you try it, that shit worked!

Whatever. We head to the beach and get in line for some junk food. After we scarf that down, we find a nice spot in the sand near plenty of hotties playing beach volleyball.  Hotties/douchers that I already knew from college.

We had already packed some vodka, so Gizzy got us some mixers and we had our way with them. And this is when I start trying to figure out just how many different places I can piss in public (twice in the water, once in the sand, and a few times in actual public view). “Public view” means hanging her ass off a dock to pee, and hanging it off of some steps/seats.  Someone had to know what was going on since I was doubled over laughing and every time she got up there were wet spots that magically appeared on the cement.  I’m not innocent though, the day of the block party we traveled through a maze so that I could take a pee in a parking garage, where our car was not parked.

When I was finished with my vodka, I started drinking the beer like it was my job. Didn’t want to have any leftovers! When the beer was gone, we made the weird decision to walk to where the fireworks were…which was a bit of a hike. I would venture to say at least 1.5-2 miles.  It took us a good hour and a half to get there, longer than it normally would have because we had to simultaneously stop to pee/take shots.  We completely got ready in a public bathroom and then start ripping shots straight from a bottle of vodka.  In public.  Infront of cops, and children.

We see the fireworks and keep walking to try and snag some dinner. However, there was a fuckload of people. Like literally people were shoving us trying to not let us in because they were all coming out. And then we ran into a saucy hostess who told us the restaurant closed at 10 pm and I accused her of calling us retards.  My absolute favorite convo of the weekend:

Us: Table for 2

Hostess:  Um we’re pretty full, we’re not seating anyone but you can stand here and wait, I’m not sure if we’re letting people in, we might stay open later.

Lucky: So ARE you staying open later?

Hostess: We’re not seating anyone right now

Lucky: Yeah, I heard you, we’re not retards

Hostess: I didn’t say you were

Lucky: Uh! Yeah, ya did!

Bitch.  So we head to a nice little italian place, and order our food and some vino.

Once we do sit down, we have some depressing conversation about missing people, (and I loudly shit talked the aliens next to us for staring at our drunk asses)  and we manage to catch a cab ride back home. However, the cab ride was nice and bumpy, and me being quite wasted, I knew I needed to barf. But it wasn’t anything emergency-related…I figured I had plenty of time. However, when I hand the cabbie my credit card, he says he has to turn the car off completely and restart everything.  Honest to god, it took half an hour.

I told him I needed to step outside and puke. And I did. On a tree. While people and dogs watched me.

But I felt worlds better.

Then Gizzy and I ran inside and busted into Anth’s room, only to find him sexting while in his bed. Typical.  Lucky asks if he’s naked and runs over and rips off the blankets.  I immediately scream, “DID YOU SEE HIS WEINER!?” she says no and we run squeeling out of his room.  He sent me a text the following morning thanking us for the wake up call and thanking himself that he wasn’t actually naked under his covers.  I told him that leaving the door unlocked is like inviting us into his room so idk what he expected.

The next morning was my last in town, and given all the airport drama the first go ’round, I wasn’t looking forward to heading back. However, Gizzy and I hit a few hot spots I had been wanting to see, we had a few beers and more junk food and we were on our way. We even ate lunch at our favorite place—Taco Bell. Holla!

Overall, an AWESOME visit!

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