Tag Archives: big city

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb

I didn’t hang out with Sweater Vest and Dina on Friday, I didn’t hang out with 2nd crush on Saturday. Instead, I hung out with Acts Gay but Says He’s Straight Friend Adam.  He just moved to the big city and we had to go out and do it right.  Doing it right included going to an outdoor rooftop bar, yes please.  Then we traversed the city to see all the sights, each with a 6 pack in tow.  I gave a homeless guy a beer, he took 1 sip and then wasted it, I got pissed and told the next homeless guy to go fuck himself.  Trouble ensued, and acts gay but says he’s straight friend Adam had to give the guy his last dollar so we wouldn’t get beaten.  Then, I sass talked multiple security guards and we got in more trouble and got kicked out of a park.  This is why I will never be a suitable mother.  All in all it was a good night, and at 2am I was walking home from the subway alone, which I’ve never done and it wasn’t so bad.  I had High School Crush on the phone to keep me company/make me feel like if I got mugged I’d be ok. 

When I got home and got into bed HSC and I were texting and he texted me something really sweet about how he wished I was there – to which I did not reply because I was face first into my pillow having a drunken snooze fest.  When I woke up 10 hours later, hungover as all hell, I was all, “Me too!” And asked him a question about the rest of his night.  I never got a response, and here it is Tuesday, and I’m still waiting….

Let me backup here, High School Crush and I have talked every single day since about oh March or so.  I’m trying not to freak out, but we’re on day 3 and this behavior is peculiar.  Right now I’m chalking it up to the fact that he’s probably overwhelmed because he’s closing on his house this week and trying to get the guts to double text, but I’m afraid I might not get a response, again. 

My horoscope for the week made me feel a little better… Beauty is nice, but it’s intelligence that turns on a lady like you. After all, substance is the only way to keep you interested, as superficial challenges can only excite for so long. Lucky for you this week will be a mind twister that will tease you in all the right ways. Seems curiosity will thrill your cat, and have you purring a sweeter tune.

That’s a good sign, right?

Tonight Dina and I are going to a baseball game, so that should do a good job of keeping me occupied and not checking my phone like a psycho.  Or it will backfire because I’ll get really drunk and text something inappropriate.  Tune in Thursday to see what happens in this hot mess.

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The High School Crush Practice Date

As you’re all aware, I had a date on Wednesday night.  Normally I don’t do dates unless I really like the guy, why waste our time and his money if I know I’m not interested?  At this point, I’d like to ask all of you nay sayers to save it with the optimistic “How do you know you don’t like him until you go on a date and see?!” bullshit. I just know, okay? If I don’t get a tingle in my vajayjay upon our first meeting, then he’s in the friend zone….forever! But, since I have the almighty High School Crush date on Saturday, I figured I could use the practice making adult conversation, so I gladly accepted even though I already knew I wasn’t interested romantically.

All day Wednesday I bitched and moaned to Lucky about how I didn’t want to go.  I really wanted to sit in my jammies in bed that night and shop online for the perfect outfit to wear on the date with HSC Saturday.  Lucky kept telling me to suck it up and stop being a wiener, I had to go on this one to take the pressure off of Saturday, and it wouldn’t be that bad.  I wasn’t worried about the dinner itself, I was more worried about the goodbye at the end of the night.  Do I shake his hand? Give him a hug? A kiss on the cheek? If he buys me a bottle of Dom does that mean I’m obligated to give him a bj? This is more thinking than I like to do after I leave the office, clearly.  So I tried to get myself out of the end of the night awkwardness all together.

The guy was supposed to pick me up at 7pm and around 4 he texted me asking for my address.  So I did what I do best, I made up an excuse so we could just meet at the restaurant.  “Er, well, I’m going to have to stay late at work.  So, is it cool if I just meet you at the restaurant? I don’t think I’ll have time to make it home beforehand.”  Usually when I do this the guy will comply, but this time I was not so lucky.  He said we could just go later so that I could go home first and decompress from work.  Ugh! Fail.  I told him we could still go at 7 because I am so prepared that I brought of change of clothes to work, and he said I could just drive to his place and we could walk to the restaurant.  It wasn’t ideal, but it was better than him walking me to my door at the end of the night and coming in for the goodnight kiss and me barfing on his face.

When I started getting ready for the date I wanted to look good, but not too good, because I didn’t want to give him the wrong signals.  So, I wore the diamond ring that HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON got me last year for Christmas.  Yep, you read right.  I did that.  I also ate a clove of garlic.  I know, I’m horrible.  With any date, you hope there won’t be a lull in the conversation, because how awkward is that when it’s apparent that you’re both sitting there racking your brain trying to think of things to talk about?  I can say, that did not happen on this date.  This guy was FULL of conversation topics, such as but not limited to:

If I looked on your DVR right now what would I find?

What would you do if you won the lottery tomorrow?

What is the last meal you cooked?

If you were stranded on a desert island or mountain what do you think your high heels could double as?

Yeah, so asking these questions out of thin air was super lame, but they served their purpose and got the conversation going.  Even though each time he asked one of these questions it wasn’t because there was a gap in the conversation, it was because my mouth was full of food and I didn’t want to spit vodka cream sauce and noodles on his face, and he apparently took that as I was done talking about the previous topic.  Whatevs.  What I can tell you, is that this weekend I will NOT be asking HSC what’s on his DVR or what he thinks he could do with my high heels on a mountain.  Hrmph.

So, the guy paid for dinner, which was nice, but he kind of bashed me for not wanting to order a desert.  He said I was the only girl he had ever met that didn’t have a sweet tooth and he didn’t know how he felt about it.  “Well,” I told him, “The thing is, I DO have a sweet tooth, but I just had 3 glasses of sangria, a huge dish of pasta, half a loaf of bread, and half an appetizer.  So like, I’m probably going to go home and ralph all this up because I can’t breathe right now.”  He walked me to my car and said we would have to do this again sometime.  He didn’t even try to hug me or anything, so I took that as either A.) He was thinking about me ralphing B.) My subtle “I have a fake boyfriend” clues with the ring and the garlic clove worked or C.) He really did just want to catch up as friends and I’m a narcissistic freak.  Either way, it’s over and now I can focus on tomorrow.  Game on!

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Living Will: Name your best friend as your relationship power of attorney.

MmmmHALLO!!! Aloha and Mahalo! I’m back on the mainland and not psyched about it.  There’s snow on the ground and it sucks, it sucks donkey. 

The trip was nice and relaxing, of course I got annoyed with Stepdad more than once, but thankfully AT&T is aware that Hawaii is a state and has thoughtfully included it in their nationwide plan, so Lucky and I BBMed it up the whole time at no extra charge.

Which also means…drumroll please…badadadaaaa…. High School Crush and I texted the whole trip too.  During the months before the big Christmas extravaganza in Hawaii I was all… “Yeah I’m totally shutting off my phone and not taking my computer.  I’m disconnecting and it’s going to be awesome.” But you know what? Shit happens, December 16th happened, and I wouldn’t have been able to go 2 weeks without talking to Lucky either.

I was pleasantly surprised that HSC and I texted the whole time I was gone, and even more excited that he texted me right at midnight his time on New Years Eve to wish me a Happy New Year.  But as we know, all good things must come to an end.  We’re still talking. But after I got back, Lucky and I had a long talk about how the next step needs to happen.  We need to hang out again.

During our vacation text sesh HSC suggested that we get a group of friends together to go on a Vegas trip in March.  I mean, I’m all for it, but we need to hang out before that. Because what’s going to happen? We’re going to go to Vegas after seeing each other once in the past 5 years back in December with our BFF’s in tow, get drunk, and get married or some shit?  Plus, that’s at least 3 months away, oh and it will never happen. BUH!

So Lucky and I decided that I needed to try and make plans with him this weekend.  Wednesday night I asked what his plans were for the weekend.  He said he was staying in his city because he was sick of driving after the holidays. Which is understandable, BUT THIS IS OUR ONLY CHANCE BECAUSE SUNDAY I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE BIG CITY WHICH IS MORE THAN 5 HOURS FROM HIS CITY WHY DOES HE NOT GET THIS?! I replied being all yeah it sucks you’re tired of driving because you need to come to hometown this weekend to hang, his response? “I know! We need to plan the Vegas trip.” At first, we (Lucky and I, because she is in this relationship just as much as I am and needed to be consulted) were pissed off at this response.  Because it’s lame.  We took it as him saying, “I know that it sucks that I’m sick of driving, but we need to plan the Vegas trip so we can hang out on that trip.”  Which in retrospect means, “See ya never loser.” 

Then I reread it and thought, well maybe he’s saying he knows that he needs to come to hometown so that we can plan the Vegas trip and we can hang out whilst planning the trip.  After a few minutes of analyzing, Lucky and I remembered our New Year’s resolution: To not give a flying fuck.  And with that I gave her power of attorney to tell me what to do with this situation, because clearly I like this guy and clearly he doesn’t like me enough to do anything but text me.  So it was a mutual agreement that I can give it until January 16th (MLK Jr. Day) because that’s a 3 day weekend and a good opportunity for both of us to find a way to meet up in some city between us.  And if it doesn’t happen by then? Well the ball is in his court and I will reply to his texts but will not initiate any conversation or mention hanging out or future plans and/or keep letting this shit consume my life. If you guys haven’t heard, letting guys consume your life is so out in 2012.

So that was that.  Then yesterday I woke up all sick and flu like and I was still annoyed at his lame response after I put myself out there. I decided that January 16th would be moved to January 6th.  We hung out once and have been texting for 3 weeks.  I realize I wasn’t in the continental US for 2 of those weeks, but still – if he was interested he’d drive the hour and come back this weekend to hang out, right?

I like him and if he likes me I shouldn’t have to wait 2 months for a faux Vegas trip to see him.  It could be easily argued that there hasn’t been a lot of communication in the “Hey I like you, do you like me also?” department and that’s why nothing has happened.  But we’ve been texting for 3 weeks – it’s kind of a given that we’re both at least semi-interested right? So yeah, I’m going to back off and maybe he’ll get that I was trying to make this happen (after 12 years) and it’s been 3 weeks and I’m already tired of the shit and if he is for realz interested he needs to ask me when we can see each other.  

So guys, we can mark this day as the end of High School Crush, because he won’t ask me to hang out.  And yeah, it sucks, but I can’t keep chasing 14 year old Gizzy’s dreams, 26 year old Gizzy needs to get some of her own and move on.  End chapter.

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Extra Extra Read All About It: Single loser is FINE with being single, the world is ending.

Did everyone have a fantabulous Turkey Day?!  Mine was awesome! Mostly because I had 5 days off work, which by the way, all apologies for being a slackass on the blogging last week.

Anyway, on to the good stuff… does anyone remember my top 5 worst dates?  Remember #1 aka the worst date I’ve ever been on? The one where Stepdad’s sister and her husband took it upon themselves to set me up with a guy from their church?  Well, they’re at it again.

I hate going to Stepdad’s family events to begin with, it’s uncomfortable and I’m the only non-blood relative.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re all extremely nice welcoming people, but they’re not the family I grew up with, so I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% myself around them.  But, I hate going to his family events even more because at every gathering his sister is sitting next to me trying to think of all of the eligible bachelors she knows that she could set me up with, insert alcohol and lots of it.

Normally, her efforts fizzle out because her husband finds something wrong with the guy and stops it before it can ever start.  Usually, she’ll name someone off, look at her husband for approval, and he’ll go, “No no… he’s got AIDS.”  “No, no… he has a kid.”  “No, no… he does drugs (just my type)” etc, etc… and after they’ve successfully embarrassed me in front of the whole family (that isn’t mine) I never have to hear another word about it and I can stuff my face in peace.

This Thanksgiving started off seemingly normal.  We all sit down to dinner and as I’m shoveling turkey into my mouth with no intention of ever looking up I hear her start in, “What about Jared for Gizzy?” I look up out of the corner of my eye through my turkey haze waiting for the disapproval from her husband when he said the words I never wanted to hear, “Yeah! Now there’s an idea!! That would be… yeah! Good thinking!!”  FUCK. 

So my #1 pet peeve is when everyone in a room is looking at me.  I get all hot and start to blush and it’s just not good.  Then it makes it even worse because someone always calls me out on blushing.  In this case it was Stepdad going, “Oooo look at Gizzy, you’re embarrassing her!”

So Stepaunt is like telling me all about this guy, how he’s sooooo attractive, he’s 30 (run!), has a good job, he’s their nephew, lives in the south (mind you, I do not live in the south), he just bought a house, he likes to go fishing, he’s so nice that he flew his brother to the south just to go fishing with him, and when he came to visit them he folded up his blankets, and even made a bed he didn’t sleep in.  Wait a tick, did I hear your nephew in there?  I know it’s not incest, but I am only 26, should I be so desperate that I’ll start dating within the family? Now, I appreciate a guy with good manners, who is nice to others, and who has a job, but I just figure they don’t really know my taste in guys seeing as they’re 0 in 1 with the setups thus far.  And he lives like 1000 miles away, and he’s your nephew, so like WTF.

Then, while we’re sitting there at the Thanksgiving dinner table she gets out her iphone and starts plugging away trying to find a picture of him.  I thought I was in the clear and it was over with when she couldn’t figure out how to search for someone on facebook.  Then, one of my bratass stepcousins had to go and show her how to find him.  So they pull up a picture, the guy wasn’t unattractive; he just wasn’t the type I’m typically attracted to.  In all honesty, Lucky might like him; his looks are a cross between bastard cheating ex and her ex that lives in Japan, a frat boy/outdoorsman if you will.  Now me?  I’m on the opposite end; I typically go for the little scrawny guys that you wonder if they might actually be gay.  For some reason, I have it in my head that guys that look like that will be nice, they never are, and they’re usually the biggest assholes ever.

Anyway, what was I supposed to say?  Sorry he’s not my type?  Typically I go for a cross between douchebag and gay?  I said, “Ohhh yeah he’s cute!” Then it was time to pass the phone around the table for everyone to see.  Stepdad made a comment that he looked like one of my other cousins, which is disgusting.  And my mom was all, “Ohhh yeah, he’s reaaaallly cute! Maybe he’ll fly you down to see him.  And you can be like, let’s go see my aunt in Florida, but she can’t meet him before I do so I’d have to fly down and meet him too.”  THANK GOD, someone chimed in and was like, “Now let’s not marry her off just yet.”  But Stepuncle all night was saying he was going to make it happen, he was going to give this guy a call and tell him to send me a message on facebook. 

AS SOON AS we got home my mom was like, “Well Stepuncle and Stepaunt’s nephew sounds really nice and like he has a good job, I hope he messages you!”  This also seemed like the perfect time to shatter my mom’s dreams of me being a normal suburban girl with a husband, a family, a dog, and a minivan, “Yeah, so I think I’m going to move to Los Angeles.”

That was pretty much the end of that, I got to work Monday and had a facebook message from the guy, “Do you happen to know Stepuncle and Stepaunt? They said I should message you.” 

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Raz-Ma-Taz Weekend Part 2

As we concluded last time, I was with some of my friends in a different state, drunk, and we were being summoned by the police… (My life kind of really is like an episode of cops.  Such shame.)

We approach the po-po and he immediately goes after the angry girl, accusing her of being loud and dramatic for no reason.  He didn’t even see what happened with the whole rickshaw thing, but he was right.  He told her to remove herself from the situation or he would arrest her.  And off she went. 

When we finally got a cab back to our Motel (it was as close to staying in a motel 6 as I ever want to get) and we all passed out because we had to be up in about, oh 4 hours, to start drinking again.  Being in your 20’s is so rough.

When the morning came we were all dragging ass, but we made it to a bar and had our first beer in hand by 10am.  At 11:30 I decided it was close enough to the afternoon for shots and off we went.  The rest of the day was kind of a blurr, I remember eating a lot of fried cheese – which is disgusting, but we just kept ordering it. 

At some point we made it to someone’s friend’s house where a bunch of PHd students were posted up.  We came in, all drunk, with 2 cases of bud light and a package of meat hooting and hollering like a bunch of cavemen.  It was gross.   The rest of the time being at that house is kind of a blurr too, the next thing I know we’re all standing in the front yard mooning the people across the street and telling them they had AIDS.  I know, I know.

Eventually we made it to another bar, where we drank dark beer and ate more fried cheese, played pool, and danced to Hanson.  And we were the only ones acting this way.  It was like a chill adult bar and I can’t believe we didn’t get kicked out.  Here I am having a gay old time not giving a shit because the only people I know in this state are my friends. 
THEN, these two girls approach us just about the time I’m getting ready to show everyone how good I am at freestyling…. “Gizzy???” Oh. Shit.

It was two of my sorority sisters, one of them lived in a nearby city and the other was visiting her for the weekend.  They were at this bar, with their husbands, not being waste faces, and there I was being the single Gizzy they all knew and hated (for getting our house put on probation for hiring male strippers and buying a keg for my senior night) stuffing my face with fried goods and spilling drinks on myself – just like in college.  Nothing has changed.

In college they were the type of girls that would drink but would never get too drunk.  They were never out of control, never made fools of themselves, always had boyfriends because they were classy and collected.  The non-alcoholics if you will.  And I was the opposite.

Anyway, I bought us a shot to celebrate one of the girl’s birthdays and they were quick to rush me away after that when their husbands approached.  Clearly they know the repercussions of me being drunk better than anyone.  But you know what, who cares, like I told every bartender that weekend – “I’m on vacation so make it a double.”

After that everyone rushed up to me being all, “Omg Gizzy, did you know those girls? How awful.  We are all shitfaced.” Yep, I know.  Give me some cheese. 

At 10:30pm and a mere 8 pitchers of dark 9% alcohol beer later none of us could stand and we had been cut off by our waitress.  And there we were, back outside, playing the waiting game for a cab.  We made it back and no sooner than I could get the key in the door my motel-mate for the weekend pushed passed me and went straight to vom in the toilet…. And she kept going, and going, and going… for the next 4 hours. 

The next day we drove home, all hungover and wanting to die, I found a random half pound hot pocket in my bag that night and the rest is history.  All in all it was a great trip and I’m really happy I went.  So I’ll just leave it at that.

On next week’s episode of Gizzy is forever doomed to be single because she can’t get it together:

Gizzy takes a trip to another city to see old college friends/drink her face off.

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The return of every guy I’ve ever dated… and a Brit.

I’m just going to cut right to it, last week started off with a bang, Sunday night I got another text from Douchearoo:

“Thank you, just thank you for being so normal.”

I decided not to reply to this one, because really? Is this what he’s going to do every time him and his crazy pants girlfriend get into a fight and she throws stuff at his ugly face, or whatever it is that crazy pants girlfriends do?  I don’t need anyone to remind me that I’m not crazy, but thank you anyway Douchearoo.   I’m sure he feels like a big douche right now, as he should.

Monday, I got a text from Texas…. he’s baaaack, for good. I opted out of hanging out with him last week because I just need time to adjust to the fact that I’m going to have to start drinking during the week and that I might just have to throw in the towel and make out with him.  He seems all right after what I went through this weekend.

Saturday, Betty came for a visit.  We started drinking pretty much the second she arrived.  5 or 6 hours later we made our way downtown to a bar next to a concert hall.

We walk in, grab a seat, and start to suck down drinks when I hear someone walk up behind me and say… “Gizzy?” I turn around to see that it’s Snoop-Linus.  What. The. Fuck.  He pulls up a chair, is wasted and acting like a drunk asshole, pulls out a wad of cash and says, “I’ll take this to the store right now and buy you a ring, I’ll do it, and we’ll go to Vegas tonight.”  Um, good for you but I don’t want to marry you, or talk to you, ever.   But what I really said was, “What kind of asshole walks around with that much cash?  You’re going to get robbed, idiot!” He proceeded to tell me that he was at the bar alone, and was about to attend a concert alone next door, because his phone was dead and he doesn’t know where his friends are.  

Then, he ordered me, Betty, and the 3 old men to his right drinks, then got in a fight with the female bartender that ended in her buying him a drink.  And I was just flabbergasted.  At this point I got up, and said… “Well this has been grand.  Goodbye.”  Walked out of the bar grabbed a cab.  Of course he chased us out asking if he could stay at my place, if I would give him another chance, and if we could just talk in private for a minute.   Now, seriously, what the fuck!?  I couldn’t even say anything, I just got in the cab… there are no words.  

Yesterday I get a text from a number not in my phone saying, “I’m in love with you and never stopped loving you.  I would give you the stars and the moon if I could.”  I replied being all, “Uhh who is this?” and it was Snoop-Linus.  Apparently he lost his dead phone Saturday night and decided to get a new number.   I just can’t even be funny about this because it’s that stupid, what an idiot.

Anyway, after we dipped out on Snoop-Linus, Betty and I came across an underground tavern.  We went in and started playing a game of pool when these two guys in suits came up to us… 

One was engaged, one was not, one was 36, one was 29, one was cute, one was not, one was British, one was not, and they were both professional tennis players.  

That conversation went down like so, “What do you guys do?”… “Well, we’re going to sound like asshole’s, but we’re tennis pros.” Yep, you’re right.  You do sound like assholes.

Since Betty is basically married she took it upon herself to pair me with the 36 year old, not cute, single, british guy… I mean ok, his accent was cool and it was fun to talk to someone who has traveled the world and done cool things that I haven’t.  But pretty much as soon as I started talking to the guy he was saying shit about how we were going to get married.  Which I’m just like, have some tact man.  You’re british, you’re supposed to be classy.  

I mentioned mine and Lucky’s 30th birthday Euro trip, since he is from Europe he had some interesting things to say… he asked where we’d be going and I said, “Well we haven’t really talked about it, but probably some of your standard European countries/cities…. London, Paris, Italy…maybe Greece and Spain?”  Well, being a “pretentious European asshole” (his words not mine) he pretty much had to put his 2 cents in about everything I had to say about it.  “Ugh.. why would you want to go to Greece!”  “Ummm… because it’s beautiful.  That’s why.  I actually would like to honeymoon in the Greek Isles if I can ever meet a guy who isn’t a douche.”  Then he proceeded to tell me that he knows someone with “fabulous summer homes” in each of these countries that we could stay at.  I mean that’s cool, but #1 this trip is 4 years from now and #2 you’re not coming, so thanks for bragging but no thanks.  

The conversation from there on out got a little blurry because I was drinking heavily to avoid all that awkwardness… the next thing I remember him saying is that he’s from Wales and it’s like the West Virginia of England – I was wasted so I just thought that was down right hilarious and started saying, “Prince Harry of West Virginia!” in my finest British accent to everyone in the bar.  

THEN! The other guy’s fiance and her friend bust through the bar doors with massive chips on their shoulder.  With good reason, I guess.  They left and dragged the engaged guy out with them. So Betty, myself, and the Brit were left at the bar to drink.  The next thing I know after that I hear Betty inviting the Brit back to my place.   Which I don’t do.  I’ll hang out with strangers in a bar, but we’re not in college anymore – we can’t just be inviting random guys back to my apartment, but he came anyway.   I offered him a beer, apologized for the fact that I live in a frat house, and got into my pajamas as a hint to him that it was time to go.  He stuck around for a few hours and finally took the hint after I wouldn’t let Betty leave the two of us in the room alone, but not before he could get my number.  

Not 2 seconds after he walked out my front door he texted me, “Would you like to grab a movie or a bite on Monday evening? It was really nice to meet you tonight.”

I didn’t reply.

The next morning I get another text from him, “Morning! If you girls would like to come to the tennis club for breakfast this morning, come on in, it’s on me!” (The tennis place he practices at is like a block from my apartment.  Yay.)

4 hours later I replied, at 2pm.  “Ohh sorry, we just got out of bed.”

“No worries, I am jealous you got to sleep in.  I have been training since 6:30!  Can I call you later?”

I didn’t reply.

Later that night he texts me again, “Hey how was your day?  I’m bloody exhausted.  I was wondering if you’d like to grab a drink on Tuesday night?”

I replied yesterday morning saying, “My day was good, I have plans Tuesday night (lie) but thanks.”

He replied, “How about bowling on Wednesday?”

So I pulled the unthinkable, “I’m actually leaving for a business trip for the next week.” Another lie.  ECK!

So he says, “Safe travels, lets catch up next week.  It would be fun to hang out.”

I know that lying was wrong, but I don’t have it in my heart to tell someone that I’m just flat out not interested.  He’ll get the hint right? Betty was all, why don’t you just hang out with him and tell him it’s just as friends?  Because! Yes I know I am looking for friends, but I am looking for friends that are in my generation..and he’s 36, that’s 10 years older than me and quite honestly it makes me a little uncomfortable to even think about it.   I just came to terms with the fact that I might have to date a guy who is 30, so 36 is like really pushing it. 

Now, before everyone starts calling me an ageist and posting nasty things about me on your own blogs and start commenting saying I should give the guy a chance because love has no age and all that bullshit… Let me just say that this is my life and if I don’t want to get to know an old man I don’t have to and anyone who doesn’t like it can kiss my ass.   I’ll do what I want! Damnit!

Then I got a text from Dina yesterday begging me to come out with her and Sweater Vest next weekend, because “he really wants to see me”.  And I just realized that I’ve never told you about Sweater Vest…

Sigh

I’m tired.

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I’ll take breathe right strips for $1,000, Alex.

So the other night it’s bedtime and I’m laying in bed on my computer catching up on some of my favorite blogs, when I hear something that sounds like snoring.  This was all too familiar because of that whole mouse in my room mulling in plastic bags situation.  I sat there without moving and listened to see if I could determine whether it was really snoring or just something super annoying outside.

I couldn’t tell where it was coming from, I mean it literally sounded like it was coming from inside my room (annnd just as I typed this I remembered Anth telling me they came home from a bar Saturday night and the front door was standing wide open, makes sense, there’s probably a hobo/ax murderer sleeping in my closet).  I crept over to the door to see if it sounded like it was coming from Anth’s room and I couldn’t hear it anymore, yet when I get back in bed, there it was! 

I laid there for a while wondering if the snake had gotten out and was hiding under my covers somewhere ready to attack, but snakes don’t snore? Did we get a dog that no one told me about?

Then I started thinking that it was my neighbor who shares a wall with me.  The past few months I’ve been able to hear everything through the wall.  It was like they hadn’t been living in that room and then all of a sudden the whole freaking family sleeps, eats, and poops in this room that shares a wall with my bedroom.

I hear the tv on until the wee hours of the night, I hear when they leave early in the morning and forget to shut their alarm off and it goes off for 2 hours, and I also hear their baby up at 5am making stupid baby noises.  

I would be lying if I said I didn’t take rocks out of this vase in my room:


And throw them out of this door in my room:


 

 

so that they hit my neighbors window when that baby is being loud.  Not that the baby can pick up on subtle cues that she’s keeping the neighbors up with her noises, but I’m figuring the parents will think the room is haunted or something and move her out of it and make it a guest room so I can finally sleep in peace.  I’m still waiting, but it will happen.

Speaking of snoring, Anth, some friends, and I are going on a weekend getaway the first weekend of November.  We just booked it and I kind of am already regretting it/thinking of ways to get out of it.  Our college football team is playing at a University in the state above ours and I don’t know, for some reason everyone thought it would be a good idea to go.

We pondered on renting an RV and parking it at a Walmart overnight (that… is the most white trash sentence I have ever written) and then someone was like, so whose going to drive the hotel to the Walmart shitfaced?  Good point, so Anth booked us 4 hotel rooms 8 miles from the bar scene and we’ll be cabbing it.

I had a few conditions that needed to be met before I would agree to partake in this weekend o fun:

1. At no point during the trip from the time we leave the apartment to the time we arrive back in our city can Anth or anyone else insult me in a way that will make me wander off alone to get attention.  See: Missing girls.

2.  I need my own bed.

3.  Whoever shares a room with me cannot poop while I am in the room.  I’m sorry, I know it’s a natural thing, but I have a weak stomach.

Anth said it was fine and he would just share a room with me.  I said ok… then that mystery snoring happened and I remembered from a New Years Eve where I slept in the same room as Anth that he snores like a freight train.  So, now I need to cancel.  Because as much fun as that weekend will probably be.  I really like my sleep on the weekends.  Sleep > drinking on a lawn in the cold. 

And on that note… I hope everyone has a good weekend.  One of my ex-boyfriends who Anth and all my big city friends are good friends with is getting married this weekend, I wasn’t invited, so Betty is coming up to binge eat with me for a few days.  Ta ta now.

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