Hopefully I can ward off my hangover long enough to pull this post together. Yesterday my Dad and Step-Mom threw a wedding reception for themselves. Knowing the kind of friends my dad has, the people they work with, and my family I knew this party was going to be no funzo for me. So I helped out as much as I could stayed for 5 hours and then told my dad I started my period and needed to leave. Like any man would do in that situation he got freaked out and shooed me out the door. So away I went to my olllll alma mater.
I called up Gigi and Mercedes so we threw back some shots and away we went. I had secret hopes of seeing HOTTIE out but of course never saw him or any of his peoples. And like clockwork I got drunk and sent him a text at 2:30 in the morning asking if he was around. No response. Typs. I think I’ll let him go.
Anyway, we’re leaving our first bar when I run into someone I met my sophomore year of college. We’ll call him MP. Now MP and I met sophomore year at my apartment. I was out fratting it up and decided to have a little after partaaay with my friend Betty. So Betty and I call up our friend Ryan, Ryan says he’ll bring his friend MP over so it’s even. So we took a lot of shots, and by a lot I mean like finished a half gallon of vodka. Betty and Ryan sat down in the living room to watch Napoleon Dynamite (that’s how long ago this roots back) so I go back to my room to go to bed and MP follows me. Drunk as skunks we start to make out and crawl into bed. Nothing else happened though because I think we both passed out. So I wake up like 20 minutes later, come to my senses and get the eff out of there. I grabbed a blanket and my pillow and went to the living room to finish watching Napoleon with Betty and Ryan and pass out on the living room floor.
I wake up in the morning to Ryan and MP shuffling around to gather their things. I didn’t want it to be awkward so I just pretended I was still asleep until they left. Well first I open up the fridge and see that they stole ALL of my capri-suns. W.T.F. So gay. Then I head back to my room. I scream and Betty and my roommates all come running. “THAT MOTHER FUCKER WET MY BED!!!!!!!!” Huuuuge wet spot right in the center of my bed. I call up Ryan and tell him and he busts out laughing, tells MP what I said and MP lies about it obvi and says it was me. Then I get super pissed, “Um NO! I slept in the living room ass wipe!” This argument of who wet the bed went on for a good hour with more evidence of it being him than me. So we hang up and what do I do? I create a facebook group and invite all his friends, “MP wet my bed and lied about it.”
Well time passed and eventually the attention to the story fizzled out. About 2 years ago MP and I ran into each other in a bar, hashed it out, he admitted to wetting my bed so I said we could be friends. I figured anyone who wanted to be friends with me after I made a facebook group about them announcing to a campus of 40,000 people that they are a bed wetter deserves a second chance.
So last night I run into MP, we’re all “Oooohhhhh how have you been, what are you up to, yada yada yada.” I’m drunk enough to pull the ole, “Lemmeeee see if I still have yourrr numba!” (Exactly like that because I was hammered.) I didn’t so we exchanged numbers and as soon as I left he was texting me, take note of the time sequence:
1:23 am MP: What bar did you want to meet at?
G: Bar 4
1:25 am MP: Sounds good, lets meet there in a bit.
G: We’ll probably be there around 2
1:27 am MP: k wanna meet up later?
G: Ya sounds good, text me when you head to Bar 4.
1:29 am MP: Stop. You wanna talk now?
G: Lol talk about what? We’re at snakes drinking vodka tonics.
1:32 am MP: I guess I just wanna make out. Is that bad?
*At this point I was cackling my little black stilettos off telling every one in the bar the bed wetting story, so I rolled with it to see what was going to happen.*
G: Haha not bad.
1:34 am MP: Come back to Henry’s real quick.
G: Ok we’ll come back in a minute when we finish our drinks. (not!)
1:36 am MP: K I’m here.
1:41 am MP: Where you wanna meet?
G: We’re finishing our drinks then coming to Henry’s.
1:45 am MP: Sounds good
1:57 am MP: Where you at?
2:06 am MP: Yo wake up
G: Sorry finishing up now about to come there. (Not!)
2:07 am MP: K hurry!!!
2:10 am MP: Where you at?
2:15 am MP: Nlothin (Nothin)
2:15 am MP: Huh
2:21 am MP: Come on hun
*Text HOTTIE for a last chance at love, “Heyy are you around?”*
G: Sorry sorry just looked at my phone, we’re at Bar 4.
2:26 am MP: You wanna meet up?
2:26 am MP: Come to Henry’s silly
G: My friends want to stay here.
2:28 am MP: Come on just me and you
2:49 am G: I’m staying at my friends she wants to be here
2:51 am MP: Ok just wanted to say hi that’s all, no worries. (Uh huh)
G: Why didn’t you just come to Bar 4 then?
2:53 am MP: Haha your girl is here you need better excuses
G: I don’t think sooo they’re both with me
2:58 am MP: Where you at I will come to Bar 4.
G: Yeah come here (At this point I was already sitting in Mercedes car at the Mcdonalds drive-thru)
3:01 am MP: The bars are closed
3:02 am MP: Should I wait for you outside?
3:04 am MP: K to the right
3:23 am MP: Should I leave?
3:44 am MP: You in bed for the night?
11:51 am MP: You wanna get breakfast?
12:01 pm MP: come on, I wanna see you!
Is that someone desperate to get laid or is that someone desperate to get laid? Get home get on facebook, girlfriend. RE-SHUNNED! Asshole.