Tag Archives: breakup

The Welcome Back Party

Herrooo old friends!!! I’m going to be totally honest and tell you that I have no good excuse for going AWOL for a hot minute. Lucky and I have been talking for a few months about resurrecting the blog because we’re both kind of in the same place in our lives and we’ve got some things planned in the next few months that will probably be semi-entertaining to read about, so we thought better now than never! I just know I really haven’t been up to much the last couple of years and my life would have been SO boring to read about, unless you’d love to read about me trotting around the country drinking with my friends or recaps of Teen Mom and The Bachelor, in which case – I’m your girl!

After the whole Nutter Butter breakup and my failed attempt at dating a super-hot guy fresh out of college 2 years ago, I decided that I was tired of guys treating me like I was disposable and dating needed to be my last priority, so I stopped dating. It wasn’t long before it became really apparent to me that when you’re in your late 20s and you stop dating, that also means you stop having sex (side note: that doesn’t mean I didn’t TRY to have sex. I did try, with a really hot guy in the Navy that I met while I was out celebrating my 29th birthday. It is surprisingly hard to get a guy to just hook up with you and promise to never call you again.) When I came up with this plan I was about to turn 28 and hadn’t been without a guy since I was 14. I was serial dating all the wrong guys, knowing they were the wrong guys, but continuing to date them because I didn’t know how to be alone. And, what girl in her 20s doesn’t think she can rid a guy of all his bad habits? The stuff that I let those douchers get away with doing to me is so shameful, and I finally realized that if I didn’t take the time I needed to figure out who I was without a boyfriend, I would continue to date these awful guys and would probably end up married to and then divorced from one of them. If this is the part where you expect me to tell you that I finally met Prince Charming (See: Neal Bledsoe), then look away now, because that didn’t happen. I’m still single, but more stable and [I would hope] able to make better decisions. And when I say “better decisions,” I mean in the long run, I’m totally not opposed to bad decisions that are short term/one night stands with hot guys because… 2 years.

Also, this isn’t a post about self-discovery. I mean, come on, look who you’re talking to here: I’m still totally inappropriate and get way too drunk with my friends, albeit a lot less frequently now that we’re maturing. I’m still not really sure what I want to do with my life, but I finally realized that I’m not going to figure it out by dating assholes that cheat on me and have the audacity to manipulate me into thinking I deserved it. LOLZ – the fact that those things ever happened is so stupid, but it makes me pretty happy to know it’s all documented on this blog.

The whole “I’m not dating at all” concept is perplexing to basically everyone I tell. All my friends and family have tried to set me up so many times, like SO many times, these last 2 years and would then get super offended when I turned down the offer because they don’t understand why I would choose to be alone while I’m in my prime baby making years. Uh, maybe because guys are man whores and I don’t feel like being emotionally drained and worrying about STDs all the time? I don’t know! I’ve ruined a few friendships with guy friends who thought this stint of singledom would be the best time to finally ask me out. I know telling someone not to take it personal is almost always bullshit, and it is still total bullshit in my case because of course if the perfect guy came along (See: Neal Bledsoe above) I wouldn’t have turned him down, but I wasn’t about to waste my time or theirs when I already knew I wouldn’t be that into it. I’m pretty sure my family thinks I’m a lesbian (as long as Neal is still out there that’ll never happen) since I’m not married and don’t have a bunch of babies, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re from a small town. My Grandma sat me down for a serious conversation a few months ago about getting artificially inseminated so I could have a family, there’s a cute guy at her church she thinks would do it – and by do it she meant jizz in a cup, not actually fuck me. My guy friends that are married have been pushing me to stay single for as long as possible and live the good life, because once you get married it’s a long road of misery, or at least that’s what they tell me. I overheard my Stepdad telling some other family members that it (my love life) will all be okay because I’ll be able to start catching guys on the next round. What’s the next round? Oh it’s just all the guys that got married and popped out a bunch of babies when they were 22 who are now 30 and getting divorced. Exactly what I want, a divorcee with a bunch of babies. Real talk, it’s kind of fun watching everyone squirm because they can’t figure me out. But, I’m almost ready to start dating again, like seeing one more Nicholas Sparks movie alone and then I’ll date anyone with a pulse almost ready.

P.s. As of today, Neal Bledsoe still has not approved my facebook friend request, but I’m okay with it. A few months ago, after 4 ½ years of persistence, he finally acknowledged my existence on twitter. Small victories.

P.p.s. We just got Instagram: Instagram.com/cocktailsattiffanys

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12. What’s your opinion on the Miley Cyrus ‘breakdown’?

LUCKY

I happen to LOVE me some Miley!

I do not, one bit, think that Miley is having a breakdown. The MTV performance was rehearsed and I thought it was quite tame compared to things we’ve seen from other artists in the past.

There was a great article about her in Rolling Stone a few issues back (she is on the cover) where she explains that she’s worked her ass off and now she’s basically just “fucking off.” …And I’m pretty damn jealous of that!

GIZZY

I agree with Lucky, it’s not a breakdown. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and it’s working like a charm. Guys, she’s just being Miley! I have loved Miley from day 1, this is a known fact. In fact Lucky actually bought me her book, “Miles To Go” when it came out years ago for my birthday. And it’s amazing.  

Also, she is 20 years old and people need to give her a damn break. When I was 20 I was getting blackout drunk (not much has changed), dancing on top of tables, smoking weed, and making out with random frat dudes too and that was pretty tame compared to what my peers were up to at 20. Everyone needs a chance to get their wild party days out of their system, it just sucks for her that hers are plastered all over US weekly.

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Texas Returns and I still hate my job

Well the long weekend has come to an end and in my neck of the woods it seems like fall has almost arrived. Typically I hate fall, that’s when bad things always happen to me, but this year I don’t have some guy that can shit on me just because it’s getting cold out and because our summer time drunk has worn off, so I’m actually kind of looking forward to it for the first time ever.

And with that being said, I got a text from Texas this weekend. Does everyone remember Texas? Texas is one of the first gentleman callers that I introduced here on the blog, we’ve been friends for about a year and a half now and it’s almost been a year since we’ve spoken. I randomly facebook creep on him to see if him and his girlfriend are making the long distance thing work, which it looked like they broke up a few times – now the link is gone but she posts on his wall 24/7 as per usual.

So when I see an unknown number appear in my text box I google the area code and when I see a city in Texas I knew it could only be one person. I write back being all hey what are you up to long time no talk and he’s all yeah…. so I’m in your city for the next 2 weeks interviewing for jobs and I’ll be moving here at the end of September, up for hanging out? Um DUH!

Update on the count up: Months since I’ve had sex:16 — Months since I’ve made out with someone: 7 — so sad.

This is completely necessary, meeting up with him must happen. Because if you recall there were several occassions when we would talk about randomly hooking up but never made it happen. He might still have a girlfriend, but which I normally would want no part of… but I’m pretty desperate. We are supposed to meet up for dinner and drinks tonight, so hopefully come Thursday I will have some exciting news, and if not at least some good stories because we usually get stupid drunk together so I’m sure something entertaining will happen. Even if it is me puking in my shoes… again.

Annnd on to work news, story of my life. Does anyone else have people in their office that don’t pay attention to detail? I’m pretty sure I am the only one in my office that does and it’s really starting to irritate me. Like you best believe that if I am going to send someone an email acusing them of not doing their job I’m going to have my shit straight before I do so, so that I don’t look like the asshole. But yet no one else in my office seems to do this, they don’t care if they look stupid and if they are being petty.

So here’s the situation, I have to approve a lot of things – some of them have monthly deadlines some of them don’t. If something that I have to approve doesn’t meet the monthly deadline oh well, I don’t really care, the person submitting it to me should’ve gotten it to me further in advance and it’s their bad – it’ll get in next month. Especially when they are late to begin with, if something is older than 90 days we consider it “late” and if they want to do anything with it, first it needs my approval then it has to get my boss’ approval. Which can take a few days because she is a very busy lady.

So this morning I come in to find an email from someone in the payroll department bitching at me for not getting something to them when they think I should have, they sent it like literally the moment they got the packet that I sent over on Friday. I already deleted the email but it went something along the lines of telling me that the packet was going to miss the payroll month end cut off and how I should really pay more attention and try to get thing to them on time because they saw where I signed off on the packet on 8/30, but it didn’t get to them until 9/2 at 4:08 pm so it wouldn’t get processed until September.

Now, the thing is… IF they had flipped past the first page in the packet they would have seen the notification that it was late and that my boss didn’t sign off on the “late” transaction until 9/2 – therefore I got it to them the same fucking day that it received all of the necessary approvals and they can eat a big fat dick and shut their damn mouths. But they didn’t do that, instead they wasted their time and mine falsely accusing me of not doing my job. But did I reply bitching at them for falsely accusing me? Nope. They aren’t my boss, they aren’t in my department so I really don’t give 2 shits if they think I’m not doing my job correctly. If they want to man up and come talk to me in person I’ll ask if they flipped to the next page and when they say no I’ll say well why don’t you go do that and then tell me I’m not doing my job because then they’ll feel like idiots because I AM! And IF they say something to my boss about it and IF she comes to talk to me about it then I’ll tell her yeah, it was a late transaction and you didn’t sign it until 9/2 so we did nothing wrong, then she’ll talk shit about how they don’t pay attention to anything and how they all suck and I’ll agree and we’ll have a good old laugh about it.

But yeah, I’m not going to waste my time writing out an email to correct them because I really don’t care and I’m not petty because really whether the transaction gets processed in August or September really does not fucking matter and people just want something to complain about. What’s better is I am the youngest person in my office – yet clearly the most mature when it comes to matters of business. I’m seriously at my wits ends with these dumb fools. Thank god it’s almost Jerseday!

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The Rhyming Big City Adventures of Gizzy and Lucky

A poem to re-hash our weekend in the big city, full stories to come later:


Twas the night before Lucky’s birthday when she was set to arrive

Airline complications occurred and she wished she could drive

For she was stuck, overnight, in a land called Texas

Lucky for her she met a chap at a bar who drove a pretty sweet Lexus

With only the clothes on her back, the day of her birth she arrived

For she had made it, thank god she survived

It was time to drink, beer one, beer two, not yet

For Lucky’s bag was still on the jet

A second trip to the airport started the day off right

We found Lucky’s bag, it had made the flight

Back to the apartment we went

Where we found an underage gent

“Take a shot, take a shot” he spattered

With all these young boys, we were sure to get flattered

We drank the day old, then washed our hair up right

For it was time to hit the town for the night

We had an occasion to celebrate, our dear friend Lucky

There was no way this night could be sucky

Off to dinner we went, a sushi place, our fave

Get Lucky a birthday cake, that there, the chocolate wave

Dinner was good, now to concoct phase II in our head

I know! Let’s paint the town red

To bar 1 we went, the drinks were ordered, the atmosphere was set

Too bad there were no boys around to make us wet (ehhh…sorry, there was 1 but he didn’t rhyme)

Bar 2, on Gizzy, on Lucky, on Cabby, and fro

Keep these drinks flowing so we can act like a ho

Danced the night away we sure did

At Bar 3 we met a man dressed as a kid

His name was Danny, and a billionaire he claimed to be

Then he fell, taking the table down, and banging his knee

We felt good, just enough beers to blur the lights

Lets head back to my place and start some fights

To my apartment we went, not sure what we’d find

We walked in and saw a guy’s behind

Someone’s in my bed, who could it be?

An old friend, wake up, come play mouse trap with me

Continue drinking we did as we set up the game

And heard stories that would surely ashame

One last surprise before we call it a night

A birthday cake, 26 candles gleaming with light

There were just enough people to sing her a song

Blew out the candles Lucky did and wished for a dong

Off to bed we go, an early day it will be

We have lots of new attractions and boys to see!

Day 2 began with a flutter

Thank god the smell of alcohol didn’t make us shutter

We left for a ball game, who would win, we don’t know!

As it was just our luck, today the cab business was slow

We walked, and walked, and finally got a ride

We arrived at the game gleaming with pride

Looked around we did, for a scalper with tickets

It was not our day, all we heard were crickets

Back in the cab we went, onward to a festival we go!

We were ready to see the beer flow

The beers were all drank, the food was all eaten

Next up, to the sub-way, lets hope we don’t get beaten

Onward we marched on the way to the train, where we found a small pub

We walked in and what did we see? Girls, with boobies and flub

A beer and a shot we had

Until we decided it was time to return to my pad

To my abode we arrived

To find nothing, but a bunch of guys who were deprived

They begged us to drink, so drink we did

Until we got drunk

And along came a punk

Bill was his name

Football was his fame

But, he was a douche and lame

Next it was time for a roast

The groom to be, step up, he thought it was a toast

We all said our piece, and the boom boom started

It’s not what you think, no one farted

For they were fireworks, right there

We got lucky none landed in our hair

We all watched in amazement, for they were the best fireworks ever!

Well, that’s done, on to the next endeavor

On to the bars we go

We still haven’t acted like a ho

All dolled up we got

We looked damn hot

Down the stairs we went

To find nothing, but a guy with a weird accent

We had been left, oh well, these fools won’t ruin our fun

We were still going out, in our mind we won

At the bar we sat with our drinks in hand

When along came a girl, she wanted to be our frand (Um, I know… I’m lame)

Her name was Miranda and we loved all the shots she bought us

If we had only knew, her boyfriend would make a fuss

We closed down the bar and trotted home

Passed out in bed and silenced the phone

In the morning we awoke ready to start the day

We gathered our things and were off to play

We arrived at the beach to celebrate the USA

We drank some more, fought with some kids, and peed on the beach, hey hey!

The day was over and it was time for the fireworks

We walked and walked until we arrived, we sat down with our drinks and put on a smirk

We watched the fireworks in awe

Then trampled inside hoping not to fall

We got some dinner, some wine, and we on our way

We arrived back home, for Lucky was ready to lay

The next morning arrived and some sad pups we were

It was Lucky’s last day, I sure would miss her

We went to the carnival and rode some rides

We were quite proud, this weekend we made great strides

Off to the airport we went, to tell Lucky goodbye

She hopped on her plane, she was ready to fly…

 

THE END

 

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RIP my car

Ellooooo governa! This is going to be short and sweet as I’ve had one of the longest most whirlwind days of my life (talking about Wednesday here, not Thursday).  Not only was work hell and I made the executive decision to try and go through all of my emails and stay until 7pm when I should’ve left at 4 I came home to find one of my old college friends Periwinkle at my apartment.

I should back up a little, yes Lucky is coming to my house this weekend and I am SOOOOO excited, but Anth is also hosting a bachelor party of 20 guys at our house.  Hrmph.  Lucky and I have a list of things to do and places to be so hopefully they don’t get in the way.   Anyway, it’s Periwinkle’s bachelor party and he came in town yesterday to do some business before hand.

So when I got home, instead of doing my normal lay in my bed and nap for 3 hours, eat some dinner, and go back to bed I had to sit downstairs and socialize.  AND miss The Voice 😦 so not fair.  So I was already feeling a little out of my element.

9pm rolled around and I decided I should go tanning since I have 2 days left on my contract.  So I go and on my way home BAM CRASH BOOM.  Car accident.  I knew it was inevitable with traffic being the way it is here and the 8 million people, but I would’ve never guessed I would’ve gotten in an accident at 10 o’clock at night when there is 0 traffic.

So what happened? I’m minding my own business driving home and was about .2 miles from my apartment, like literally had to turn a corner and I’d be home when I go down a little slope and run into the side of this chick’s car.  She was pulling out of a parallel parking space and I don’t know she seemed pretty dingy, so she probably didn’t even look to see if any cars were coming.  I tried to stop but it didn’t happen.  My car is drivable… but it looks pretty rough…

So after I slam into the side of this girl’s car a guy jumps out and is looking at the damage, I fall out of my car like I almost died and he asks if I’m ok, I say yeah and dig through my purse to find my phone to call the cops all the while the driver is just sitting in the car.  I’m all, “Uhh is she ok?” And he’s like “Oh she hit her head.”  Eventually she gets out and says she’s fine, the cops tell us if the cars are driveable they’re not coming and we should just exchange information and come to the police station within 48 hours to file a report.  Some city huh?

So we do, by this time it’s pushing 10 (my bedtime) and I don’t feel like subjecting myself to a big city police station before bed.   The couple tells me they are going to go tonight to get it over with and I tell them I’m going to go tomorrow to kick off my vacation the right way. We leave and 30 minutes later I get a call from them saying they’re at a police station in the suburbs and the cops told them to tell me not to file another police report because having 2 would make it confusing.  Hrmmm… ok, and they also didn’t need a statement from me.  It’s weird.  They gave me a report number so I’m going to go to the police station and see if they’ll give me a copy of the report.  

BUT, I googled it and in anyway shape or form this accident is this girls fault, whether they filed the report or I did…. people pulling out of parking spots have to yield to oncoming traffic no matter what so I guess I should chillax.  

My poor little old car, now every time I go over a bump it makes this horrifying sound like it wants to die.  Stay strong car, stay strong, help is coming in the form of an insurance check. 

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Dr. Mike and the half lesbian

Ahhh, another weekend in paradise has come and gone.  And it was a drunken one.  I had my awesome baseball tickets this past weekend that I ended up taking Anth to since Mike is married, he’ll now be known as married Mike as there is a new Mike in the picture! But, we’ll get to that later.

I was excited for the baseball game not because of the free booze, awesome seats, free food or even the chance to mingle with famous baseball players and the city’s socialites I was excited to meet my co-workers boyfriend.  There’s one girl in my office who is 28 (unfortunately she was sick the day I needed the tampon) and I just can’t get a feel for her.  She seems nice and kind of awkward, she talks like a valley girl, but wears tennis shoes and hoodies to work (see: not business professional/appropriate) some days it looks like she’s showered and some days it doesn’t.  When I first started I thought we would become close friends since we are the only 2 people in our department under 50, but that hasn’t happened.  When she told me she was given tickets to the game and her seats were right next to mine and that she was bringing her boyfriend I knew this was my chance to finally figure this chick out.  I was expecting her beau to be a geek but I was oh so wrong.

Let me paint a picture of this guy for you:

Except not Russell Brand, not hot, greasy hair, and a 5 o’clock shadow that had to of taken him 6 months to grow, not to mention the high pitched voice.  I shouldn’t judge though, the guy was really nice and they were all over each other, which is something I don’t have, so I’m the ass.  

It’s whatever though, Anth and I drank each other under the table came home at 8:30 where I went to bed and Anth proceeded to go out and pick up the first random chick he could.  I heard them come in the door not an hour after he left and the next morning I wandered upstairs to make it awkward.  If I have to say if anything is fun about living with guys it is simply making random skanks they bring home feel awkward in the morning.  99% of them hide their faces and don’t want to meet me because they know they’re whores.  This girl was different, she wanted to be my best friend, she even made us all breakfast.  Just when I was starting to wonder why Anth was sending me BBMs that he wished the girl would leave and about how she wouldn’t even make out with him (that’s called smart if you ask me) because I thought the girl was great she made the comment of all comments.  I don’t recall what we were watching on tv but some how lesbians were brought up and the girl went off on a tangent about how just because she likes lesbian porn doesn’t make her a lesbian, and just because she wouldn’t mind a girl doing stuff to her she doesn’t want to do anything to a girl and that doesn’t make her a lesbian either.  Ummm, yeah…I think it does hooking up with girls and not hooking up with guys=lesbian.  She was young so we argued with her about it, we told her maybe she was bi-sexual, but no no that’s not the case.  Finally she agreed that maybe she’s a half lesbian.  At that point I just said the thing that was on everyone else’s mind, “Can I call you a cab or something?” And she left.  Hoorah!

After the weekend it was back to boring for me until yesterday when I got a visitor in my office, you would have thought the guy was carrying a dozen roses and a diamond ring in his pocket the way I lit up.  I am a financial advisor of sorts for doctors who do research, so it’s not weird to have a doctor come visit me or call me up to talk about their research.  Typically they are old enough to be my grandfather or don’t speak a lick of english, but THIS guy was H-O-T and can’t be a day over 30.  He gave me his number “for work purposes” and told me to “contact him frequently” about his spending.  OOOK!  His name is Mike, but I’ll call him Dr. Mike.  Just so everyone doesn’t get excited about anything that could potentially happen with Dr. Mike, I’m 99% sure I’m setting myself up to get let down again, Dr. Mike had nicely ironed clothes as well.  The day I see a guy walk through my door with a wrinkled shirt and wrinkled pants I’ll know he’s my guy.  I mean my roommates don’t iron their clothes so it’s a safe assumption that all single men under the age of 30 don’t, am I right or am I right?  Plus how can a hot doctor not be snatched up yet? The odds are against me.

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Single and ready to mingle

If anyone pays attention to our comments section as diligently as I think you all should you would have read that Anth is so excited about me moving to the city (yes, after I just whined that no one is excited to hang out with me everyday) that he has signed us up for a singles cruise.

I don’t know diddly squat about where it’s going or when it is, all I know is that I’ll be on it.   Anth sent me a message Tuesday night asking how I felt about singles cruises.  They’re the 8th wonder of the world, that’s how I feel.  So he asked if I wanted to be his date.  I’m not going to point out that taking a date on a singles cruise is totally against the rules and completely defeats the purpose because it’s going to be fun to watch.  He’s  just dumb and pretty, such a catch.

Chances are I will have to take a few of my millions of sick days to be a part of this once in a life time opportunity, but that’s ok.  I imagine I will be sick most of those days anyway.   In all honesty I can 100% see him making me think that this is a singles cruise to the caribbean and it will be like an evening party boat that sits in the harbor while we all speed date.  I know that’s why he’s not giving me any deets.  Bastard!

Annnnd moving right along.  I’m really starting to get the feeling my posts are like the news.  I just look in a different direction and think it’s ok to start talking about a different story.  Oh well.

I had to get lippy with my rental agent today.  I found an apartment that is within my price range and is beautiful and if I could marry it, I would.

He keeps getting all snappy with me being all, that apartment is too far north for you.  And I’m all LISTEN BUD! I know where it’s at, I can read a map, thank you, but I don’t care.  I want to effing see it, arrite!!?? I finally got him to agree, if I let him show me others that are farther south.  CHRIST! MEN!

I like this place so much that I’m actually nervous someone else will snatch it up before I can even get there to look at it in person. And Anth isn’t helping the situation.  Well for one, he introduced me to the rental agent, so I don’t know why I’m so shocked that I’m getting argued with. But secondly, Anth is discouraging me from getting this apartment because it’s an $18 cab ride to his neighborhood.  I’M SORRY! Since when does the location according to Anth factor at all into where I get an apartment? These guys are just driving me nuts.  Honestly I don’t know why he wouldn’t want me to get it, it’s beachfront.  Mmmhmmm…

And yes, that is a pool.  Beach & Pool = FUN TIMES! None of which his apartment has.  So he needs to STEP OFF.  Annnnd breathe.

The only downfall with this apartment is that bowl for a sink in the bathroom.  I can 150% see myself getting drunk and trying to pick the bowl up and completely destroy the sink/water line.  And I can’t drunkenly leave the water running because it doesn’t have one of those old school overflow drains.  I guess these are issues I should work on.

And I think there’s no bathtub.  Which is only a problem if I feel the need to take some epsom salt baths.  Which I have only ever done once in my life.

Funny story,  remember Mercedes? She used to smoke so much pot when I lived with her that I was sure I was contact high 95% of all days.  One day I got a call from my internship that I was going to be drug tested.  So, after some serious googling, I ran out got some herbal detoxifying tea and some epsom salt to take a bath in to clear my system.  I also drank upwards of 3 gallons of water and ran 9 times in 24 hours.  Which is a sure fire sign that I was contact high because who is that paranoid?  My boss told me before I went to take the test, “Oh Lucy the Blackbeast formerly known as Gizzy, you have nothing to worry about as long as you aren’t snorting crack by the spoonfulls!”  Then my drug test came back with a big fat red flag on it 5 different times because it was diluted.  From the 3 gallons of water.  Which raised suspicion.  Until I weirdly tried to explain that I sweat a lot in my sleep so I’m always afraid of getting dehydrated so I drink a lot of water.  They bought it, but then I’m sure everyone just called me sweaty Betty behind my back.

Anyway yet another meaningless post, I’ll be reporting next week with the adventures of the big city.  It’s moving day!

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