Tag Archives: captain

Captain Single!

HO-LA! First and foremost can we have a moment of silence for Lucky’s lappy.  R.I.P. lappy.  Secondly, I would like to apologize for my leave of absence, I’ve been doing research for the blog.  Research of the male anatomy.  Badabing!

Last time in my dream world The Captain was large and in charge with a girlfriend.  Everything is the same.  Except sans girlfriend.  I think. I’ll take a moment for you to do your happy dance.

We had our first date Sunday night and since then we have gotten into approximately 434242340593 arguments.  But they are hot.  We went to a steakhouse, I ordered steak he ordered chicken.  We can all see who wears the pants in this relationship. That’s me, Gizzy the pants wearer.  And we went to see social network followed by a hot make out sesh and some heavy petting.  We went on our 2nd date Monday night for frozen yogurt and another movie.  All is right with the world and now we can get married and have lots of babies with little baby abs right? No.

Yesterday he called me slightly less than a gazillion times because he has a nasty butt dialing habit, so every day I get about 4 voicemails where I can listen to him at the bank, or singing along to Miley in his car, or even him hanging out with a girl. Which is what happened yesterday.  I couldn’t decipher the whole conversation since the message was a little muffled but from what I rounded up it sounded like him and Mystery Woman were having a conversation involving the words, “You need to try harder,” coming from her.  Then I get a text from Captain’s Ex Crystal asking if I can cover her shift on Sunday.  I say sure and ask if The Captain has the materials and she says, let me ask him, and .2 seconds later responds with yep he says he does.   Riddle me this, Mystery Woman + Captain + Convo about something where The Captain needs to “try harder” + Captain’s Crystal getting a response out of The Captain asking if he has my materials BEFORE The Captain responds to my text asking why his butt wants to talk to me so bad = The Captain did not really break up with Captain’s Crystal and they were hanging out.  This is just a hunch.  So I think I have fallen for some trickery.  And I’m ok with it, because you know what I got a steak, a bottle of wine, some custard, and 2 movies out of it.   So all is fair in love and war as long as I’m getting free stuff.

Last night I go to where The Captain and The Captain’s Crystal go to school to see my friend who is in visiting her parents and swing by The Captain’s to get my Captain garb for the weekend.  You all know how this story goes, he looked good, things happened, clothes got ripped, condoms were snapping and babies were made.  That’s how it went in my head.  But what really happened was he got uber pissed off because I told him I couldn’t hang out with him anymore, sober.  Yeah, why I couldn’t just leave it as I can’t hang out with you anymore?  I had to throw in sober. When I’m drunk, of course I’ll come running back for some hot hot lovin’.  So instead of telling me how he really feels he takes it out on the box he’s shoving into my trunk.

About an hour later he calls and I get this voicemail, “Look I’m angry about this because I didn’t just want to have sex with you I wanted to build something with you…” he rambled on and on about how I’m the most awesome person he’s ever met, but you don’t want to hear about that.  The first line is what is pertinent to the rest of the story.   I think this is the first time any guy has ever actually pulled that line on me.  So, he’s 22 (yes, I’m still 25) and he doesn’t just want sex? He must be gay.  It’s all a cover up, this whoooole thing is just so I will go and tell all of our Captain pals about how vagina crazy he is.  Anyway, at the end of the voicemail he yammers on about how he is going to take everything slow because he wants to “get to know me” I think what he really wants is to get to know my boobs.  But, I’ll keep thinking of him as a playa playa and see what else I can conjure up about Mystery Woman and if he really broke up with Captain’s Crystal.  I hope you all know I do this for the blog, and essentially for you.  I don’t love drama so much that I go out looking for it. BAHAHA I almost had myself convinced on that one.  That’s a lie, I love drama.  Bring. It. On.

In other news I got rejected by Gargles Swab.  That means they think I’m a loser in layman’s terms and didn’t give me the job.   I see now why they had to have all that security because I want nothing more than to bust in there right now and demand that they give me $75.  $50 for gas and $25 for emotional suffering.  I think it would hold up in court.  And I bet they would give it to me. Especially when they found me hand cuffed to Josh Duhamel’s desk demanding a good pillaging or money.  I’m not really this big of a whore.  I just like to joke about it.  That’s not true either, I am.  Actually I’m not.  I’m just going to stop.

I missed teen mom last night. So naturally I’m so pissed off today that I want to punch someone’s lights out.  Here’s the thing with having children.  My mom wasn’t a teen mom, she was actually 42 when she had my sister but she did something wrong.  Yesterday my sister pulls me into her room to show me the 5 Justin Bieber posters she hung on her wall

Then my roommate (mom) comes in and tells me that she pretends Justin Bieber is her brother and Selena Gomez is her sister.  I mean, so what the fuck am I? The red headed step child? Guess so! Because then my roommate (mom) tells me that when my sister wakes up in the middle of the night she asks what Justin Bieber is doing and my roommate (mom) says, “Oh he’s in his room playing his guitar.”  And when they went to Khols the other day she was asking if “bubby” could stay in the car.  Personally, I think my mom needs to start checking her backpack for drugs.  Because the kid is on some psychedelics.  And here’s the other thing, if whatever she is on makes her see Justin Bieber, Lucky and I want some.

I’m going to bid you ado with this, my future family portrait.

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Paging the Captain to the Cockpit. Captaaainnn to theeee Cockpit. GARMIN!? What are you doing here?

I am going to seriously attempt to write this blog as fast as humanly possible and still try to make it semi-funny, I need to pass out like whoa. I’m also having a serious debate with myself right now deciding if I should write the Captain story or if you guys would enjoy a timeline of what me and my Garmin do everyday.  Maybe I’ll do both, I’m feeling kind of frisky, after all I did make out last night (Ooooh foreshadowing.  You see what I did there?)

Well twas a weekend full of glorious Captain Morgan promotions and as always, when you got a little Captain in ya, drama follows because it’s someone else’s Captain, yada yada yada.

Friday night the Captain was all over me/semi awkward like, “Oh hi how are you Gizzy, long time no talk.  What’s new? Well have a great night!” *Pat on the back* in front of his GF Captain’s Crystal as per usual which made me uncomfortable since our texts went from flirty to sexting last week and it’s like what do I say? Hey thanks for the pic of your bod last week? Sorry my camera doesn’t work and I couldn’t reciprocate but meet me in the bathroom later and I’ll show you my left boob? This is such a disaster.

Between events we were sitting at another girls house watching tv, The Captain left to go home and be attractive and the topic of The Captain and Captain’s Crystal getting married and having drunk pirate babies got brought up.   Captain’s Crystal is all like, Ohhh I don’t want to jinx it but yeah we’re getting married, we’re sooooo in love. All while my phone is dinging like crazy with texts from, you guessed it, The Captain, asking me to come over and be attractive with him and hang when we are done with our promotions.  I didn’t and we texted until 6am Saturday morning, mostly about cuddling and saying no you go to sleep first, no yooou go to sleep first, no you, no you, pretty standard operation and also pretty 14 year oldish.

Saturday rolls around and it’s me, The Captain, and the Captain’s Crystal working the first event, then just CC and I after that. The Captain sufficiently groped me in front of not only his girlfriend but also a handful of small children.  Somehow we both thought it was acceptable because he was in a polar bear costume and no one could see his face.  So, Polar Bear Costume + Copping a Feel In Front of Elders and Babies = OK!  BY THE WAY, this whole thing is starting to make me feel pretty disgusting because when I was just typing that I was thinking of mascot porn and ewww.

Once The Captain went home Crystal and I sat down for a beer to shoot the shit at a bar where bands play until our next event started.  Where she starts telling me how she just bought tickets from the bartender for a band that The Captain loves, (Techno. do dododo dodododoooo.) in order to “SURPRISE THE BF!”  I started to feel bad about having sextual relations with The Captain.  She is off doing sweet things for him (while yes the rest of the time she is screaming in his face but I am never The Other Woman so obvi I have a conscience but really it’s that I am scared of getting my face beat in by her cave man fist) and here he is texting me non-stop trying to turn the sexting into sexing, sans T.  If he cooks my Mac-A-Weenie and cheese for me, I swear I’ll propose.

So Sunday morning miraculously arrives and I am on the phone with Lucky talking about what we think foam finger is up to (fabulous story coming later this week via Lucky) and I tell her that I think I am going to stop talking to The Captain because I am starting to feel bad about it.  Not 4 hours later I am running around a dark storage warehouse playing hide and seek with him and making out on top of boxes.  I’m a whore.  But for reals, no more.  I tasted the cake, I did not eat the cake nor do I think I can have the cake so this will be a win-lose-lose situation.  I am obviously the winner, coming away with the gold medal in cake tasting.  But yeah, the box make out sesh – pretty hot I won’t lie, I’m not sorry for it. Nope.

What I am sorry for is that I am so ungodly tired from taking my long division test at Gargles Swab this morning that I’m probably going to pass out in my lunch.  I think Garmin is tired too, she started yammering on in French earlier today just out of the blue and I’m like oh god Garmin don’t  die I hear your prayers and I promise we will go on vacay and then if I get this job then we’ll get you a boyfriend, TomTom and all will be right with the world.  Christ almighty we’ve had a rough couple of days.

I’m not seriously about to continue on with stories about my Garmin (although I could, she does lead an exciting life) considering most of the people that read this blog are business professionals and not potheads who want to investigate deeper into the life of my walking talking GPS system.  God, I am tired.  Goodnight errybody!
PS Just received a text from the Captain reading: BOO!
Ohhh we’re getting married. Tehehhe

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