Tag Archives: celebrities

WWPSD – What would Patti Stanger Do?

Lately I’ve been thinking WWPSD like A LOT.  I know I know, she’s not married so what does she know about relationships? Mostly I’ve been thinking about why she would tell me I am still single.   Because lets be honest… I’m semi-successful, not retarded, not completely hideous, and not that big of a bitch so the reasons must be hidden within.

I think Patti would tell me that I need to move out of the frat house, get highlights, and face my fears and have sex with a black guy.  And then wa-lah! Mr. Perfect would appear at my front door down on one knee with a dozen long stemmed roses and a gift certificate for lypo (a girl can dream arrite!)

She would also probably tell me that I should stop bringing a bowl of cereal to work for lunch because no guy is going to think slurping milk and coco crispies is attractive. (Or will they?! He..he.)  But that’s beside the point.

Last night I envisioned myself on Millionaire Matchmaker and thought what am I looking for in a guy/relationship….

#1: Sense of humor – nobody wants someone with a stick up their ass, no matter how hot they are.  Example: Neal Bledsoe… He used to be my dream man, but then he rejected my friend request on facebook.  Like you are not that famous Neal.  Get the stick out of your ass!

#2: I have to think they’re attractive. 

#3: They have to be able to engage my mom, stepdad, and sister in a conversation.  So far I’ve only brought home 2 guys that my mom and stepdad swooned over.  1 of them wasn’t even a boyfriend and they willingly took me to visit him at college like 5 states away because they missed him so much, and the other was a guy I dated casually in high school.  Him and his soccer buddies would drop by my house, not to hang out with me, but to hang out with my mom… I’d come home from Lucky’s house or from work and my semi-boyfriend would be there with the soccer team munching on freshed baked cookies.  So in Patti words: a family man.

#4 Religion is not a deal breaker.  However, a family history of male pattern baldness is.

Then, Patti would ask me who my celebrity crush is and I would get all hot and bothered talking about Alexander Skarsgard:

And she’d make fun of me being like.. “Oh come on.. guys in the real world aren’t that perfect.”  And I’d be all “Ok, well set me up with him then because we are soulmates.  Kthanks! “(I am getting hot and bothered looking at the picture.  Seriously, I’m sweating. It’s gross.)

I don’t know if I can go on with this.  Now I’ve got Alexander Skarsgard on the brain and I kind of just want to go home and lay in my bed.  I’ll try…

So I don’t know, maybe Patti would do some exercises with me to get me to small talk with people.  Maybe I’d have to ride an elevator for an hour and find out a fun fact about every person that got on the elevator, because that would make me personable and warm… which I’m not? Maybe she would make me do stand up to face my fears of public embarassment?  I think I might cry. This is turning into a therapy session.

Anyway, my thoughts are how can I make myself approachable to be asked on dates? I’m not looking for a relationship, but I wouldn’t mind getting to know some people before I move out of this god forsaken city I also wouldn’t mind some sex, but… lets try for a dinner first.  Do I need to wear a sign or a button that says, “Ask ME out!” Is there an international color for single that I should be wearing?  Should I just shut my mouth and become a lesbian?  I don’t know this is stressing me out.

I also feel like I need to comment on the egg donor thing Lucky mentioned yesterday.  Yes, it WAS my idea to be an egg donor to earn fast cash and if Lucky wants to do it by god I’ll be there to hold her hand because she is more selfless than I am.  I was all, “Yeah I just don’t know if I could be walking around all day knowing I had a kid out there somewhere.” And she was all, “Well I’d be thinking of it like, these people can’t have kids.” Which is a valid point, but I think I’m still too selfish. I’d get in there and see them take my egg out and be like, um that’s my egg bitch give it back!

Clearly I’ve got some things to work on during this long weekend.  Happy holidays everyone.

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Extra Extra Read All About It: Gizzy’s going to be famous!!

Well my weekend was a bust, I did nothing, and to overcompensate for doing absolutely nothing I worked out too much and pulled all of the muscles between my belly button and my vagina.  Literally, I thought I was passing kidney stones when the soreness started to set in.  Because that’s what happens when you pull muscles on the top part of your vagina that you didn’t know existed, it feels like you’re going to pee out rocks.  Not just any rocks, those big gray driveway rocks.  Bastards!

I sat on the toilet for most of my Saturday evening, waiting to give birth to driveway rocks while simultaneously googling other diseases that would make everything from my belly button to my vagina hurt.  They pretty much all said the same thing, either I was dying or I pulled some muscles.  

So I tried P90X this weekend….it’s just good that I’m not sexually active because even still today I am walking funny.  People at work probably think I took it up the butt this weekend or something. 

Also while I was laid up in bed I checked my new favorite website that tells me when and where tv shows and movies will be filming in my city.  Pretty sa-weet, right?  While on the website I noticed a casting call section so I clicked on it and there was a casting call listed from a week prior for a new tv show set to premiere this fall.  The open call was for extras in some bar scenes.  AND they were going to pay the extras.  UM, sign me up! 

Too bad it was a week ago and I missed it.  But, I am going to start checking this website every day because I’m sure there will be more.  And damnit, I’m going to be an extra in a tv show!

We all know I’m a big fame whore that thinks Lucky and I are destined to marry celebrities and that’s why we don’t fit in with anyone.  Well! I’m not going to meet celebrities sitting on my caboose not being an extra in a new tv show.  So why not try, right?  Plus I am still on my trying to meet people without alcohol being involved kick, and so far that has yielded no new friends.  So… gotta try new things!  Plus most actors are hot so… I don’t really see a down side in this.

Don’t get me wrong here, the only acting experience I have is when I was Oklahoma (the state, not the musical) in my 6th grade play and all I did was hold up a sign that said “OK” and screamed out OKLAHOMA!!! So the chances of me actually getting picked to be a paid extra are slim to none, but I have high hopes for myself. 

The closest I ever came to making it in show biz was when my mom and my aunt took me to the Price is Right for my 23rd birthday.  They built it up so much in my head being all, “You’re young and cute, they’re going to eat you up… you’re for sure getting called to contestants row!”  I even made a shirt that said, “The Future Mrs. Drew Carey” and wore my glasses that are similar to his.  I thought I was golden.

We went through the interviews told the producers it was my birthday and that we had been up since like 2AM (it was about 1pm when we did our interview) and they still didn’t pick me.  After sleeping on the street in downtown Los Angeles to get seats RIGHT BEHIND contestants row… ON MY BIRTHDAY… they still didn’t pick me.  What. The. Fuck. 

So anyway, my claim to fame is the hour I was on national television sitting behind contestants row on the Price is Right.  I mean, we were on tv the whole time so what more can I ask for? Oh, to be an extra in a TV show? YEP! Doing it.

On another note, I hope all of our East Coast blog buddies survived hurricane Irene this weekend!! Just Married Girl, Simply Solo, Thoughts Appear, Shy Guy, and anyone else I missed…I hope you’re all alive!!

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What goes around comes around

It’s that time of the week again… Jerseday!  This week’s episode looks like it’s going to pick up right where we left off last season with the greased up co-eds.  I am pumped!

Speaking of drama dramz… a few weeks ago my friend Betty invited me to have to have dinner at her boyfriend’s parent’s house.  Betty, her boyfriend Jake, Jake’s daughter and Betty’s daughter would be in the big city for the week visiting Jake’s family.  I happily accepted and told her I would bring the wine.

A little back story, I met Betty in 9th grade we’ve had our ups and downs and moments where we weren’t the greatest of friends, and moments when I hated her.  But now in my adult life I’ve realized although she is a little nutty she is one of the only people aside from Lucky that I can honestly go to about anything and she won’t judge me.  Betty and I also went to college together, joined the same sorority and were roommates when we lived in the house.  At the end of our junior year in college Betty told me she wouldn’t be returning to the sorority house the next year and she was getting an apartment with some of her friends off campus. 

That summer Betty and I worked together at a golf course and Betty started dating one of the members, John.  By the time school started that fall Betty and John were in love and John was making the drive to our school almost daily to spend the night with Betty and then would drive an hour back to work each morning.  A month into the school year Betty had a falling out with her roommates, they were pissed that John was there every day.  John decided to move to our college town and him and Betty leased an apartment and moved in together. 

When the spring semester started the following January Betty was sick of being “married” and started to come hang out with me, my new boyfriend Douchearoo, and his friends.  Betty often cheated on John with Douchearoos friends and even had sex with a few of them.   We were all sworn to secrecy because of course Betty didn’t want to lose John, but she didn’t want to be tied down at the moment.

A month to 6 weeks later Betty asked me to dinner.  She said she had something to tell me.  She was pregnant.  The first question out of my mouth was, “Who is the father?!” She said it was for sure John; she had unprotected sex with him and used a condom with the other guys.  I didn’t know if I believed she could be 100% certain, but I went with it. 

Later that spring Betty told me she wouldn’t be returning to SHIT U, she and John were getting married at the beginning of the summer and they were going to buy a house near John’s office and she would go to school there. 

Douchearoo and I helped her move while John was at work, later that summer we attended their wedding, us being the only people in attendance other than Betty that knew the truth about what had gone down, also not knowing if when she had the baby that fall who it would look like.   But she seemed happy.

In the fall Betty gave birth to a little girl, who I still was uncertain who the father may be the first 6 months of the baby’s life.  Now, she is without a doubt John’s baby, she looks exactly like him – so yay!

About a year after the baby was born Betty informed me that her and John were having problems and were getting a divorce.  She had been cheating on him with guys her, Lucky, and I went to high school with, she wasn’t happy, she only married him because she was pregnant, yada yada yada…

By the New Year they had filed for divorce, Betty had a new apartment that John financed, and she had officially created a profile on match.com.  I went to visit Betty the night before her first match.com date with Jake.  We had a movie and wine night, I slept on her couch, woke up early the next morning wished her well on her lunch date (went back to school to find Snoop-Linus in bed with whore #2, nbd). 

Later that night Betty called me and told me she was in love, her and Jake got along great they’re practically boyfriend and girlfriend blah blah blah.  That summer Betty and Jake moved in together, although Jake had his doubts, tried to back out of it a few days before the big move saying it was too soon and Betty pressured him because she was already packed, they had already leased out her apartment, and she couldn’t afford the new one on her own.  So they moved in together.

All was good in the hood until a few months ago when Betty called me at 6:30 in the morning on a Saturday upset because Jake hadn’t come home.  He had gone to a nearby college town for a work dinner, called her around midnight (sounding wasted) and told her he would be home in an hour.   Betty and I went over the possible scenarios – she had already called his parents and all of the jails and hospitals between their apartment and the college town. 

At 2pm that afternoon Betty got a call from Jake that he had gotten too drunk and passed out on a friends couch in the college town.  Betty swore up and down that she was done with him for now, he was going away on a month long business trip the next day and she would have that time to look for a new apartment and move out by the time he returned.  I’ve been on this rodeo, easier said than done.  But I supported her and told her if she needed help to let me know.   A few days later they were fine, she believed his story and that was that until Betty invited me to his parent’s house for dinner.

The morning of the day I was set to have dinner with them and his family Betty texts me saying she found pictures of naked girls on Jake’s phone dating back throughout their entire relationship.  One girl in particular, who he works with and that she later found out lives in that nearby college town.  Since they were at his parent’s house Betty told his mom what was going on, he was crying, she was crying, the mom was crying, everyone was crying. 

I told Betty not to worry about the dinner, but she insisted.  So I walked into a house where you could cut the tension with a knife.  Betty and I took a walk after dinner and she asked me what she should do.   Jake had told her that the pictures were sent to him unsolicited and that he didn’t respond and thought he had deleted them.  Betty said she believed him and believed that he didn’t cheat on her but didn’t want to let him off the hook.  I told her the only thing I could think of, “He is a smart guy, he’s going to know how to cover this up.  No girl sends naked pictures of herself unsolicited.” Betty said that his male colleagues told him when he started working there that the women in his occupation are hungry for attractive and successful men, which he is.  I mean, aren’t they in any occupation? None the less, Betty was making excuses for him, as I probably would’ve done in her situation as well.  Because of course she wanted to believe him.

So instead of dumping him and moving out Betty came up with a list of things he has to do to prove his love to her and that he will never do this to her again.  He recommended counseling, so Betty agreed and who knows when and if that will actually happen.  But one of the things on Betty’s lists was that Jake has to apologize to her two best friends (me and another girl, Jane) and her family.  I’ve gotten mixed reactions from people I’ve told about this, I asked Snoop-Linus to do it once and he refused so I can appreciate the fact that he cares enough to try and make her friends and family like him.  Anyway… the email I got from him:

To: Gizzy

From:  Jake

Subject:  Sorry & Thank You

Hi Gizzy,

I want to apologize to you for causing so much stress last week and thank you for being a good friend to Betty.

I really had no idea how to handle the situation.  The interest from the girl was unsolicited and I thought by not saying anything, it would simply go away.  Obviously, it was not the case.

Betty and I are working on things, though we have a long way to go.  I realize that it is a process that will take time, especially with regards to trust.

If you would like to talk about it, do not hesitate to email back or call me.

Best wishes.

~Jake

 

I replied with a simple thank you for the message, I want to see my friend happy, I’ll always be here to support her and that I was glad they were working on things and all that jazz.

So here’s my final thought, do you think the saying what goes around comes around is true? Karma is a bitch?  Like if Betty hadn’t cheated on her husband all those times and snuck around doing shady things to him this wouldn’t be happening to her now?

If this is the case then I expect the freaking hottest nicest man knocking at my door any day now… Leo Dicaprio? Josh Hartnett? Justin Bieber?  Who knows, but it’s going to be awesome.

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He’s a little…out of your league.

Well I just finished day 2 of boot camp, literally 10 minutes ago.  I could puke.  Day 1 wasn’t so bad, everyone takes their “Before”pictures and gets measurements taken and all that jazz.  So after day 1 I treated myself to a bacon egg and cheese biscuit  from McDonalds, it will be the last time we touch lips for some time.  Anyway, Anth didn’t go to the first day because he was out of town and by the looks of the instructors and the rest of the people in the class I knew it wouldn’t be his cup of tea.  He’s really in shape and thinks the amount he can bench press should impress girls and told me first hand he wants nothing to do with “downward facing dog.”

When day 2 rolled around this morning we pulled up about 4 minutes till 5 and the instructor (we’ll call her Nazi-Whore) walks outside and starts clapping her hands at us, “Come on! You’re late, last one in the building runs an extra mile.” Excusie? We are not late.  YOU were 10 minutes late the first day so shut your Nazi-Whore hole.  Neither Anth nor myself enjoys people who think they can boss us around so we both may have trouble with the Nazi-Whore because she was like that the entire fricking time.  The first exercise? Downward facing dog.  Bahaha!  Which by the way was perfect for someone like me who hates to work out and rarely does so.  I think in the end it will give me the results I’m looking for (a toned non-muscular beach bod.)  Anth thought it was “gay” but agreed to keep going because “it will get him in even better shape,” tool.  He totes loved it.  The only thing he complained about was stretching his ass infront of all the people that were walking in for the 6am class.  Mwhahaha.

Anyway, summer is vastly approaching and that means… summer looooove!!  Since I am officially revirginized I have to pick someone to give up my 3rd virginity to.  Yes, this over 1 year since any woopie has happened once before, in college.  My sorority sisters had a ceremony for my “pure soul” and I had to give a speech (it was good, it included bible versus by candlelight and will be posted in due time), then we all went out and got pants shitting drunk to try and get me some sex.  Which didn’t happen for another 4 or 5 months, so I still have a few months before I break my record.

But, yesterday I thought I had potentially locked down a doctor at lunch.  I sat at the “singles” bar where all of the people who don’t have any friends to eat with sit and stare at the wall.  I sat down next to a woman doctor and a few minutes later a hot young surgeon sat down next to me.  Well, hello hellooooo.  I was reading Lucky’s post for yesterday while I ate my burger when the Doctor says, “Whatcha reading there? A blog? What’s it about? It’s so hard to find interesting blogs.”  I quickly closed out the browser and said, “Yeah… the site I’m reading is pretty meh, I think I’ll look for something more compelling.” Totes not trying to knock our blog but I cannot have people at my workplace reading this.  #1 I would abso get fired for talking so much shit #2 What if this doctor would’ve asked me out right after I told him I have this blog where me and my best friend rant about all of our sexual escapades and relationship failures? The stuff on the blog is like 1 year anniversary material.  So anyway, I don’t know if he saw the name or the web address, we could potentially have a new reader… Ellooo doctor! Or maybe he was just trying to make small talk so he could ask me out and then changed his mind because I’m such a spaz.   Who knows.

After it seemed as though my ultimate plan of finding a doctor to love me was taking a turn for the better I came home and started telling Anth about it, he could’ve cared less.  Then Lucky starts telling me about how she is going to see the Hangover 2 this weekend and I’m all, “Anth! The Hangover 2 comes out this weekend, we gotta go see it next week!” And he’s all, “No, we have to go see Thor, my friend who is in it is coming to visit in a few weeks and how big of assholes will we be if none of us have seen it?” Hold the bus, “Your friend was in THOR, THE MAJOR MOTION PICTURE!!!??? How many lines does he have?” “Ummm he was like one of the main characters?” This sparked an idear in my head, “Do you think he’ll want to be my boyfriend?” Anth cracked up and was all, “Maaaaaybbeeee… but he’s a little…out of your league.  I mean, he’s a movie star.”  Well asshole, obviously I was kidding but now I am going to make it my life goal to lose my 3rd virginity to Anth’s friend in Thor.  I started boot camp for Pete’s sake, in 2 weeks I am going to look DAMN GOOD! I mean for real, I have to set some goals for myself or I won’t keep going to boot camp.  So, thanks Anth… you just motivated me to lose 5 pounds.  Dick.

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A walk down (prom’s) memory lane.

Well… it’s Friday morning at nearly 2AM and I’m drunk…(drunk was originally spelled with 3 r’s, thank you spell check) clearly I’m in no shape to blog so…
Buttons recently shared this story with us and we thought it was quite hilarious…we hope you’ll love it, too!
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In honor of prom season Lucky and Gizzy asked me to write you guy a lil treat. 
We will start with a lil high school recap. When I was in high school I became friends with a girl, we will call her LaShell Cheesewizzer.
Lashell had a TON of drama in her life. I remember one weekend Lucky and Gizzy and I went to a sleep over at this girl’s house because her boyfriend of 3 years broke up with her over a text… and this was when texting was first invented… SO it was a pretty big deal.
ANYWAY. The girl created drama. But WHATEVER.
SO LaShell and I started hanging out a lot and we thought it would be fun to go to prom together in a big group—there were 4 couples that we had planned on going with. We picked out a restaurant, got our dresses and made plans to get a limo. I told her that I had a hair stylist that I really liked and that we should go there at the same time to get our hair done. She thought it was a great idea. SO we booked the appointment.
About a week before prom she called me and said “So there isn’t enough room in the limo for you and your boyfriend. Sorry.” I was furious! She had found another couple that I guess she liked better and traded me in for them. So I thought about what I could do to get back at her. 
The next day I called the hair salon. The conversation went down like this:
Salon: Thank you for calling Hairs Shmumlimited how can I help you?
Me: Hey!! My name is Lashell Cheesewizzer and I have an appointment on Saturday to get my hair done for prom…yeah I need to cancel that.
Salon: WHAT?  You want to cancel your hair appointment the week of prom?!
Me: Yep some things came up and I won’t make it. Thanks!
Soooo I don’t speak to LaShell the whole week and Saturday, prom day, rolls around. I go to get my hair done and there was NO sight of her. I was kind of mad because I was hoping for a big dramatic scene of her coming in and there being another girl in the chair. BUT nothing. There was someone else but no LaShell. Boo.
Prom weekend came and went and I heard nothing out of her.
Fast forward a few years. I was talking to my now husband, who was my date for prom that year. Somehow the subject came up and he informed me that his mother had overheard me talking and then called Hairs Shmumlimited and told them she was a teacher at our high school and what I had done. Apparently after that incident the salon made a secret word to cancel appointments…. That is probably one of the reasons to this day that she hates me. Oh well.
I told my mom about the story, but way after it had happened. She thought it was mean but also kind of funny. So every once in a while she would bring it up to me.. proving that I can be an evil bitch.
A few weeks ago I went into a chain furniture store. I had been eyeing this end table that matched the coffee table I already had. Unfortunately the furniture store was phasing out that line and I was pretty much SOL. So I went a different location… the one closest to my house.
When I first walked in there were two employees standing at the counter and no one would help me. Finally I walked up and asked for the table. When one of the girls turned around it was LaShell! SHIT! I pretended like I didn’t know her. We talked about how to get the table and blah blah blah… then it comes time to take my contact info. FUUUCCKKKK. 
L: So what is your first name? 
Me: Buttons B-u-t-t-o-n-s
L: Your last name?
Me: Pinkberry
L: OHHHHH did your last name used to be Ritters”
Me: Yeah….
L: We went to high school together… Remember?
Me: Umm no…. 
I stare at her name tag awkwardly and then muster up the most surprised look I could come up with:
Me: OHhhh yeah LaShell? Wow you have changed so much I didn’t even recognize you!!
L: That’s what I’ve heard. OK well I will call you if your table comes in.
I leave the store with my mom and as soon as the door closes while my back is still facing the store. I said OMG do you remember when I canceled the girl’s hair appointment? My mom was like yeah why? I said because that was her!!! UGGGHHHHHH Of course my mom said something like “wellll the fate of the end table is now in your hands.”
Doesn’t that stink? Karma is a big fat jerk. 
Thanks mom. Unfortunately my mom was right.. BUT a week later  I got a call from LaShell that my table was there and I could come pick it up. Fortunately she was off when I went to get it. YIKES.
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Paging Dr. Love, not Gene Simmons

As you all know my love life has been pretty meh the past few months.  I got my hopes up with Little Married Mikey and since then there have really been no prospects on the forefront of dating.  You might recall that last week when I had my lunch with Corned Beef I mentioned that she took me to the young hot doctor hot spot.  I didn’t elaborate on this at the time because it took me a few days to figure out what I was going to do with this new wonderful insight.  Well this weekend I saw the light.

I have this brilliant new plan to marry a doctor, and I’m dragging Lucky along with me.  We all know that Lucky is unsure what her situation with her job will be in the coming months so I have practically given her the rights to my first born if she will move to my city so we can frolick arm and arm in the city streets together.

 While I was eating with Corned Beef I noticed several doctors under the age of 30 and I would be lying if I said a few of them didn’t notice me as well.  After all, my place of work isn’t necessarily known for employing attractive people as much as it is smart people, so it is rare to see someone who is even semi-attractive let alone physically fit, not that I am either of these but you know when there’s not much to choose from the ugly duckling starts to look a lot less ugly.  So I decided that I’m going to make the most of this hot doctor lunch spot and find me a doctor husband.  That’s right.  And I’m going to find Lucky one while I’m at it.  

Throughout the next few weeks I plan to go to the lunch spot at various times throughout the day to determine when the pickins are best.  Once I determine that time I will make that my new lunch hour.  I’ll sit at the same table at the same time every day.  Hopefully I will see the same hot doctors and hopefully they will see me too.  It’s inevitable that one day one of us will strike up a conversation and we’ll fall in love over a chicken salad sandwich and iced tea.  And the rest will be history, I can hear the wedding march already.  Lucky told me that Patti Stangler encourages this type of behavior so it must work.  

Lucky will get drug into this brilliant plan when Doctor Love and I get to know each other a little better and I feel comfortable enough to host a find-Lucky-a-hot doctor-too-party with 25 of Doctor Love’s most eligible bachelor doctor friends for her to choose from.  See: This is NOT a set up as much as it is like the bachelor.  There will be half hearts for Lucky to give out at the end of the dinner and if they get a half heart they get a 1 on 1 date and so on, then Lucky will find the hot doctor whose half heart matches her half heart and they will fall in love.  Then we can both marry hot doctors and be housewives and go shopping downtown all day and hire nanny’s to watch the brats.  We’ll walk down the street petting our furs while smoking out of quellazaires and litter just because we can.  And it will be awesome. 

I even ran this whole plan past my mom this past weekend.  Like, “Who’s ready to be the doctors mother in law!!?? YOU ARE!!!” Before I could even finish my new daily lunch schedule she blurted out, “You HAVE to go at the same time everyday!!! This will work!!!” As every father dreams of their son being a scientist, astronaut, or doctor; every mother dreams of her daughter marrying a scientist, astronaut, or doctor.  Why mother, it would be my pleasure to make your dreams come true.  I feel this is an opportunity to really make my family proud.  And by god, you just watch, I’m gonna do it!!!  And so is Lucky!!!!

Day 1 begins Monday.  I will report my findings WITH photo back up.  And thanks to the book Lucky sent me last week (that was also on her Chic Lit list) Straight Up And Dirty, I now know that I need to date at least 3 doctors at once so that I know if I really do like any of them and I’m not just settling for what is there.  

I think my 3 new doctor boyfriends are going to be quite impressed when they hear about my upcoming 17K bike ride.  It’s hard to hold down a job, be a gold digger, and ride a bike all at the same time. I’m exhausted already.  I’ve also started looking up soul food recipes.  Just a few – 1 for some good salisbury steak with taters, a few pies… JUST enough to make them think I am good wife material then once the ring is on my finger it’s back to tv dinners and chinese take out.

Really though… SWF seeks MD.

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And we’ll tell our children we met in front of the copy machine.

I’m back.  For good.  Totes.

I haven’t said much about my new job because up until today it was eh.  I came home every night exhausted and have had a mini-panic attack every morning on my way there.  There’s just so many numbers, I want to die.  Until yesterday, when things got interesting.

I noticed every time I went in for an interview there was this one guy who was pretty young but somehow had a big wig office.  It didn’t make sense.  Because in a company like this it’s all about loyalty and how long you’ve been there.  My boss has been there 40 years and this youngin’ has the same level of authority.  He is in a different department (but still only down the hall) so we were never formally introduced, but I think he’s hot, of course.  Plus he’s the only person on our floor even close to my age so why not make it interesting and have a work crush.

Today I walked in like any other day, had a meltdown at my desk, cried on top of my mound of paperwork, sucked it up and went on with my day.  I went to the copy machine to print out some emails when low and behold there stood big wig youngin’.  He grabbed his papers, glanced at me, walked around the corner, and then came back.  He. Came. Back.

“Hi are you the new girl over there? I’m Mike Hamanannananan.” And he shook my hand, I said uhh yep I’m Gizzy.  Then he made small talk about the school I went to and how he heard from “Mike” I was looking for a place up north and how he could be of some assistance because he just got a place up north and all that jazz.  I was kind of freaking out because durr a hot successful guy is talking to me and my mind has been mushed on college guys for the last 47 years.  I looked like a tard and went back to my desk.

I didn’t really think much of this little encounter until later on in the day when I was mulling around trying to look busy and the CFO approached me.  It went something like so:

CFO: Gizzzyyyyy… I’ve been wanting to talk to you, you know I know you’re looking for a place up north and my son just moved up there so if you needed some help he said he would be more than willing to show you the ropes and help you find a place.  Really just email me and let me know and this is how I could introduce you guys.

*CFO sees a light go off in Gizzy’s head as it appears to Gizzy that Mike is the CFO’s son, “Mike” is Mike senior, THAT’S how he got the big wig job, THAT’S how he already knows everything about me, and Dad is being matchmaker and Dad approves.

I didn’t tell CFO that I had already spoken to Mike and he is a big boy and came up and introduced himself on his own.  I figured I would just roll with the flow.  I mean IDK it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to try and date a hot successful guy whose dad just happens to be the CFO at this big name company, right?  I just see where things are starting to line up and I’m ok with it.

I don’t know if Mike and CFO are just being nice and trying to help out a girl who is new to town or if Mike is just thankful to see someone young in the office.  I can’t imagine the business world with all these old fogies gets you a lot of dates/ass so I’m trying to figure out if I’m about to get taken advantage of or look like a huge fool.  You never know in these big cities, nice=corrupt round hurr.

I’m also running for Mayor.  So errybody vote for me!

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