Tag Archives: Clothing

Sweater Vest

It’s here! The long awaited story of Sweater Vest! I’m sure you guys are all on the edge of your seats in anticipation…

The year was 2007, also known as the year I got dumped by Douchearoo for no good reason.  School was in full swing and I was out with Dina one night drowning my sorrows in a vat of vodka tonics.  I’m standing at the bar sobbing when her friend who I knew of but had never officially met walks up, and that friend’s name is Sweater Vest.

We all chatted for a few, I told him, much like I told everyone in the fall of 2007, my sob story about Douchearoo and how I was heartbroken.  He reacted the same way most strangers would/did, bought me a shot and gave me a pat on the back, I said I needed to go home and cry so I left.  

Not 1 hour later I got a text from a number I didn’t know… “Hey this is Dina’s friend Sweater Vest (not yet called Sweater Vest), you should come back to the bar and hang out with me!” Or something of those sorts.  I didn’t reply until the next day and I don’t really remember how it happened…. but we started dating.

He was a good on paper guy, he was going to be an aeronautical engineer (and is one now), he didn’t live close to the bars, his ex-girlfriend was 2 hours away, and he was really, really, nice.

One of the first times I did meet him out at the good ol college bar he walked in and I spotted him from across the bar, I hid under the table because he was wearing a sweater vest.  At a bar.  He eventually found me and forced me to take this photo:

I mean I don’t know.  Maybe it’s not that bad and I was just looking for things to find wrong with him.  But every time I saw him after that he wore sweater vests just to bug me, hence the name, Sweater Vest.  The funny part is that Lucky and I actually called him Sweater Vest when we talked about him, I’m not even sure she knows his actual name.

Anyway, we casually dated for a few months until Douchearoo decided he’d take me back (I’m embarrassed just saying this).  I was out with the D-Roo one night when Sweater Vest approached and was all, “Gizzy, what are you doing? He’s a DOUCHE! Just walk away from him and come hang out with me.”  Then I went off on the poor guy, basically saying he didn’t know me and just needed to step off, I loved Douchearoo and I was going to do what I wanted and he needed to know his role and get out of my business.  

We didn’t talk for a good year after that.  After Douchearoo and I were long over and I was on to Bi-Polar Ex I finally saw Sweater Vest out.  Obviously I was embarrassed about how I had acted a year prior so I just ran passed him, said “Hi how are you?” And went on my merry little way.  Sweater Vest has made it a point to tell me Happy Birthday every year since then and I’m pretty much the biggest bitch in the world.

I found out that after I told him off he got back together with his ex that lived 2 hours away.  Then they moved to Miami together.  THEN, he started texting me again last Christmas to see how I was doing and alas a few months ago I found out he just moved to The Big City.  Now, he’s all on Dina telling her to set something up so we can all hang out.   So that’s supposed to go down on Friday, everyone get excited!

I mean, yeah, if I was a smart girl I would put the fact that I’m not that attracted to him aside and date marry him.  He is a cute guy, but he’s not my type (by that I mean he’s not a raging Douche, obvi that’s what I like), and doesn’t get me going like that… if ya know what I mean.  Because clearly the guy would treat me like a queen since he’s still the nicest guy ever to me after I treated him like shit.  But I just can’t make myself do it.  I’ll hang out with him and I might even throw him a drunken make out or pity date him for a few months again.  But I won’t like it!

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Big City Weekend #1 – FAIL

Well my first weekend in the big city went ok.  I didn’t get mugged, raped, or murdered so I guess it was a success.  I have been sleeping with a kitchen knife next to my bed though, just in case.

I am totally aware that I look like a serial killer.  But as long as it’s intimidating to all of the robbers, I’m ok with it.

Weekend #1 started off just peachy king because I broke my crackberry Friday morning and literally thought the world was going to end.  I couldn’t go out because christ although I may seem dumb, I know it’s not smart to go out without any means of communication.

But Saturday morning I willingly got into a strangers car with just my ipod as a way of communicating and didn’t think a thing about it because Anth vouched for the guy.

Anth and I got into our first roommate fight because of my lack of communication.  I had plans to meet this rental agent Saturday morning to look at apartments, right?  Well I had to email him just before I left and be all, “Hey I don’t have a phone but I have an ipod so I guess just email me if there’s a problem.”  There was a problem.  I took the wrong interstate and ended up in the suburbs but of course I couldn’t get on my ipod to email the guy and tell him I’d be a tad late.  An hour after we were supposed to meet I finally showed up, thankfully he was still there because he called Anth and he told him I had left like 2 hours ago to drive miles. Neither of them were concerned about my safety or well being though.

Here is the string of emails I had from Anth when I finally did get an internet connection:

A: Gizzy, wtf are you doing!?

G (2 hours later): I got lost! I ended up in the suburbs!

A: WTF! Email him back! He called me like 15 min ago and said he emailed him.  Call him.

G: I did email him back!! I don’t have a phone how in the EFF am I supposed to call him without a phone!

A: AHAHAHA do you have your laptop open in your shotgun seat or what?  You are such a retard.

G: I think he left 😦 are you at home? Come get me.  I’m scared.

A: No, panera.  Damnit Gizzy, he is going to hate me now.  You know this is work for him on a Saturday, right?

G:  I know it’s work for him!! I feel so bad.  I’m at Starbucks, call him and tell him to come meet me!

A:  I just talked to him, he’s on his way back.  He’s a nice guy so he won’t ask, but you should probably do something to make this up to him, if you know what I mean…

G: Are you flippin’ kidding me? I hate you.

A: Email me when you’re on your way home and I’ll come back.  We have some evening planning to do.

So… yada yada yada… I found a GREAT apartment.  And now I’m flipping out because we’re in price negotiations and I haven’t heard anything back for 2 days.  I just can’t handle this kind of pressure and not knowing if I get to live there.  I’ll cry if I don’t get this apt, I really will.

Anyway, I got back to the apt and Anth and I began to plan out our evening around the first and last birthday party of 2011 either of us will be invited to.  I wasn’t even really invited, but you know, by association.

It started as us going to get some lunch at a little bar and grill around the corner while we mapped out our game plan for the night.  Of course we had to have a pitcher to fuel our great ideas.  Then we decided we needed some fresh new swag for the party that ended up not being fresh or swag at all.  We went into the lacoste store and found matching nautical themed girls and guys shirts.  We got them.  I know, probably the worst $35 I have ever spent.  When someone posts pictures from the party on facebook I’ll put one of us up here, many pictures were taken.

Anyway, captain and skipper showed up to the party and unbeknown to me Anth was introducing me to everyone as “The Hook Line and Sinker.”  Why? I have absolutely no idea.  But it pissed me off so I started calling him Mustang Sally as a form of cock-blocking, which gradually turned into “Sally wets herself.” I really just don’t even know. Before the party was over it became a competition between us of who could cock/vagina block the best.  I’d have to say it was a tie, we both pulled out all the stops (I would elaborate further if I remembered what the stops were.) And carried ourselves home.  Not too much drama for weekend number one, but not quite enough for it to be a success.

Sunday I got the Sunday afternoon blues and started to miss my family.  So Anth took me to see his choice of movies, The Green Hornet, it was actually pretty good but he fell asleep.

This is probably the best relationship I’ve ever been in, #1 we’re not actually in a relationship so I don’t have to have sex with him, sleep in the same bed as him, or be all lovey dovey… What I do get is: A wing-man to every event, someone who is just as big of a loser as I am who will go shopping/to the movies with me and think it’s fun, and he’s no where close to having a girlfriend so I can find a real boyfriend and tap out first so I’m not lonely.  Win win win!

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