Tag Archives: dating in the city

Anth’s breakup story

Something is seriously wrong with me.  It’s 1:15 in the morning and I can’t sleep, yet come tomorrow morning I’m going to feel like the biggest narco monster ever when I can’t get up for the life of me.  I looked this up, it’s a legitimate sleeping disorder…it’s called DSPS (delayed sleep phase syndrome) and effects 3 out of 2000 and is called an invisible disability.  How does it make you guys feel to be reading the blog of a disabled person? It doesn’t make me feel good to be disabled, but I’m not going to take drugs to fix it just because wikipedia tells me my circadian cycle is off.  My cycles are fine, ok wikipedia! 

So last night one of THE FUNNIEST THINGS EVER happened.  The past few weeks/last month Anth has kind of been dating this girl (they’ve hung out like 3 times), we’ll call her Schmanna, and this past weekend he decided to take her to his co-workers wedding.  They stayed at her friend’s apartment near the reception hall, he told me he was pretty sure that he fell asleep on top of the girl mid-hookup because she kept saying – “You don’t REALLY think we’re going to hookup in my friend’s guest room do you?” Apparently this killed his hard on and I guess that just instantly means sleep? 

He told me she was kind of weird and way into him and he didn’t know about all that.  He also told me that they hadn’t done it yet, “Because her mom told her she needs to make guys wait.” To which I said, “How old is this girl?” he said 27 or 28 and I said, “Uhh yeah, she sounds weird.”  And he got all defensive asking how her age made her weird.  I said, “Umm because any 27 or 28 year old girl isn’t going to tell the guy she likes they can’t sleep together because her mommy told her not to.  She’s going to say they can’t sleep together because she wants to get to know him better/wants him to repsect her/doesn’t want him to use her for sex aka hump and dump, she’s not going to say because my mom said so.” Anth retorted that “It wasn’t like her mom told him not to sleep with him specifically right off the bat, just guys in general and who did I learn not to be a whore from?  My mom.”   Which is totally not the case, and I don’t think it is for most women.  You learn not to be a whore by watching other girls be whores and get treated like shit, not because your mom sits you down at 16 and says, “Make guys wait. Don’t be a whore.”  He’s so stupid.  And I said, “Yes, it is weird that she would tell YOU that, but if you like her enough to defend her against ME then maybe you should fucking date her.  ASS.”  I immediately changed the subject to how excited I was for the 90 minute Teen Mom, I knew I was right and didn’t want to listen to him defend some girl who can’t make judgement calls for herself at 27.   

He was telling me the next night that he just didn’t really like her because he should just be more into it than he is.  Which is convienently what he says about every single girl he dates.  Personally, I think it’s because he is still stuck on his ex that dumped him like 4 years ago, because he still talks about her on the reg but does not talk TO her and claims he sees her all over the city.   But I just nod and agree and say, “You’ll find the right one someday!”

Anyway, when I got home from work yesterday Anth started telling me about how Schmanna told him to let her know if he needed some company to watch Jersey Shore (clearly he has not told this girl that Jerzday is a weekly holiday in our household and that all the roomies would be in attendance).  So he replied lying to her, telling her that he was going to DVR it because he was working and in the zone.  Then, she asked if he wanted to do something this weekend, we’ve got a stage 5 clinger on our hands! I mean this was like the 10th time Anth had denied the girl a hang out just this week. 

He told her he was booked up for the weekend, which was another lie, and she replied asking him if she did something to piss him off.  He wanted to just ignore her until she got the hint that he didn’t like her, but against his better judgement he took my advice when I screamed at him, “NO! FOR WOMAN KIND YOU NEED TO TELL THIS GIRL YOU WANT TO JUST BE FRIENDS!!!! You’ve been on 3 dates and it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.”  He told me that he didn’t know about that because it would be really mean since he had just taken her to that wedding.   He thought telling her that he wanted to just be friends because he didn’t like her would be like saying, “Hey thanks for coming but I had a horrible time and you suck.”  To which I replied, “You know, soemtimes that happens but at least then she knows she needs to work on some things.  Like spreading her legs.”

So he replied telling her that no she didn’t do anything to piss him off, but he thought they should just be friends.   She called him, he ignored it, she sent a text asking if he could talk for 2 minutes, he said yeah he’d call her back later but he was working.  And she was all desperate saying, please don’t leave me hanging here I thought everything was great, you didn’t even give me a fair chance, we were always drunk you don’t even really know me, lets do something this weekend and you’ll see… blah blah blah.

Hearing this pretty much nausiated me, because why do girls try to fucking bargain with guys and sell themselves when the guy doesn’t want them?  I am guilty of it too, I’ve defintiely done it before with long term boyfriends, never a guy I only hung out with 3 times… but that’s past Gizzy.  NEW Gizzy wouldn’t respond and wouldn’t need to hear a reason why.

So eventually he called her back, I was downstairs getting my tacos ready for Jersey Shore, and Anth bolts down the stairs saying, “MAN! I wish you could’ve heard that convo, that shit was BRUTAL, she just kept saying that same thing over and over and I had to have a 30 minute long breakup talk with a girl I hung out with 3 times.”

I snort and say, “WHAT A CRAZY!!! Time for some Jersey Shore!!!” Then he looks at his phone and sees that she’s still on the line.

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Dr. Mike and the half lesbian

Ahhh, another weekend in paradise has come and gone.  And it was a drunken one.  I had my awesome baseball tickets this past weekend that I ended up taking Anth to since Mike is married, he’ll now be known as married Mike as there is a new Mike in the picture! But, we’ll get to that later.

I was excited for the baseball game not because of the free booze, awesome seats, free food or even the chance to mingle with famous baseball players and the city’s socialites I was excited to meet my co-workers boyfriend.  There’s one girl in my office who is 28 (unfortunately she was sick the day I needed the tampon) and I just can’t get a feel for her.  She seems nice and kind of awkward, she talks like a valley girl, but wears tennis shoes and hoodies to work (see: not business professional/appropriate) some days it looks like she’s showered and some days it doesn’t.  When I first started I thought we would become close friends since we are the only 2 people in our department under 50, but that hasn’t happened.  When she told me she was given tickets to the game and her seats were right next to mine and that she was bringing her boyfriend I knew this was my chance to finally figure this chick out.  I was expecting her beau to be a geek but I was oh so wrong.

Let me paint a picture of this guy for you:

Except not Russell Brand, not hot, greasy hair, and a 5 o’clock shadow that had to of taken him 6 months to grow, not to mention the high pitched voice.  I shouldn’t judge though, the guy was really nice and they were all over each other, which is something I don’t have, so I’m the ass.  

It’s whatever though, Anth and I drank each other under the table came home at 8:30 where I went to bed and Anth proceeded to go out and pick up the first random chick he could.  I heard them come in the door not an hour after he left and the next morning I wandered upstairs to make it awkward.  If I have to say if anything is fun about living with guys it is simply making random skanks they bring home feel awkward in the morning.  99% of them hide their faces and don’t want to meet me because they know they’re whores.  This girl was different, she wanted to be my best friend, she even made us all breakfast.  Just when I was starting to wonder why Anth was sending me BBMs that he wished the girl would leave and about how she wouldn’t even make out with him (that’s called smart if you ask me) because I thought the girl was great she made the comment of all comments.  I don’t recall what we were watching on tv but some how lesbians were brought up and the girl went off on a tangent about how just because she likes lesbian porn doesn’t make her a lesbian, and just because she wouldn’t mind a girl doing stuff to her she doesn’t want to do anything to a girl and that doesn’t make her a lesbian either.  Ummm, yeah…I think it does hooking up with girls and not hooking up with guys=lesbian.  She was young so we argued with her about it, we told her maybe she was bi-sexual, but no no that’s not the case.  Finally she agreed that maybe she’s a half lesbian.  At that point I just said the thing that was on everyone else’s mind, “Can I call you a cab or something?” And she left.  Hoorah!

After the weekend it was back to boring for me until yesterday when I got a visitor in my office, you would have thought the guy was carrying a dozen roses and a diamond ring in his pocket the way I lit up.  I am a financial advisor of sorts for doctors who do research, so it’s not weird to have a doctor come visit me or call me up to talk about their research.  Typically they are old enough to be my grandfather or don’t speak a lick of english, but THIS guy was H-O-T and can’t be a day over 30.  He gave me his number “for work purposes” and told me to “contact him frequently” about his spending.  OOOK!  His name is Mike, but I’ll call him Dr. Mike.  Just so everyone doesn’t get excited about anything that could potentially happen with Dr. Mike, I’m 99% sure I’m setting myself up to get let down again, Dr. Mike had nicely ironed clothes as well.  The day I see a guy walk through my door with a wrinkled shirt and wrinkled pants I’ll know he’s my guy.  I mean my roommates don’t iron their clothes so it’s a safe assumption that all single men under the age of 30 don’t, am I right or am I right?  Plus how can a hot doctor not be snatched up yet? The odds are against me.

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