Tag Archives: Dear Mr Nice Guy

Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Dear Mr. Nice Guy,

A few months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. While we don’t talk anymore, we are still “friends” on Facebook and both of us have several photos of the two of us in our Facebook photo albums. While I’m not dating anyone new yet, I don’t want it to appear that I’m still attached or interested in my ex. If I delete him, and the photos, will it appear bitter? I want to move forward in the classiest way possible.

Thanks for your advice,

Facebook Confused 
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HeadshotDear Facebook Confused,

There are two ways to answer this for you; 1.)bluntly or 2.)a long-winded rant about Facebook and how annoying it is that it has made an alarming impact on how we handle our relationships (platonic and romantic) with others.

For the sake of actually answering your question, and not stepping onto a 2000-word soapbox, I’m going to give you my blunt response.

You’ve given me a couple of pretty strong clues in your original e-mail; “…we don’t talk anymore, we are still “friends” on Facebook…”

The two of you don’t talk, and obviously you’re not really friends if you have to use quotations around the word. From those two bits of information alone I say do whatever you want. Un-friend him. Delete the pictures. Remove tags. Do whatever you want, it’s your account.

Why worry about coming across as bitter? Maybe this is part of your process to move on, or it could just be the realization of why keep this connection with someone you’re obvious not really friends (or possibly even acquainted with) anymore. As for the concern over those who may view these actions as bitter, I say screw ’em. You know why you’re doing what you’re doing and that’s all that matters. If they wish to label it as a bitter lashing out, let them.

It’s respectable that you want to appear as classy as possible, but removing him as a “friend” and removing his pictures isn’t going to tarnish your image. If you had been writing passive-aggressive status updates, or writing mean-spirited comments on his wall; that would have been undignified.

What matters at the end of the day is that you are doing what is best for you.

I hope that helps, and good luck.

Got a question for Mr. Nice Guy? Email it to cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com
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Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

About 2 years ago, I got out of a string of abusive relationships. I’m now 28, and I feel like I’m ready to get back out there. However, guys I meet seem to just want to hook up—I want something serious. Recently, my hair stylist started asking me what kind of guy I was looking for. Once we got to talking, she said she knew of a few guys that might be a good match and wanted to set us up. I’ve always been afraid of setups because I don’t want the setter-upper to be upset if it goes sour. However, I feel like I shouldn’t rule it out. What do you think? Do you have any advice for a first-setup-date? 
 
Thank you, 
 
Ms. Single Setup 
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HeadshotDear Ms. Single Setup,

You most certainly are right, don’t rule out the idea of a Setup Date.

The people we keep in our lives; friends, family, and in your case your hair stylist, can often think “outside of the box” and see things in us that we would typically overlook, or even disregard because we’d think it a flaw rather than a selling point. This makes them an excellent source when it comes to finding potential dates and/or significant others.

There is one very important question I recommend everyone ask when they are approached with a potential setup.

Why do you think we’re compatible?”

You need to make sure there is more of a reason to set you up other than:

“Well…you’re both single.”

“Well…you both are sick of being single.”

“Well…you both have trouble going out and meeting people.”

“Well…you both have abysmal luck when it comes to finding someone on your own.”

“Well…you only find assholes/bitches.”

“Well…because.”

Fortunately, it seems like your stylist may be on the right track since she asked what kind of guy you’re looking for; just make sure they are valid reasons.

Do you have share interests? Similar backgrounds? Have you both expressed an interest in doing something new?

I must say I’m extremely impressed that your concern isn’t so much being set up on a date, but that if things don’t work out the relationship with your stylist may be altered. To be frankly honest, I had never thought of things turning out that way. My personal thoughts are, I doubt she’ll give it a second thought if things don’t work out with you and Guy A, B, or C. (unless one of them is a son/nephew/cousin/grandson/etc., that she’s absolutely crazy about)

When it comes to the date itself I highly recommend trying to make it happen during a group outing. Having been the subject of two Setup Dates in the past this helped avoid any potential awkward situations. The first one consisted of her meeting me at a bowling alley where I was with a good buddy of mine and his girlfriend. For the other setup a mutual friend brought her to an annual fondue event a group of my friends have every January.

The bowling date went well and we continued to go out on a few more dates after that. In the end things didn’t work out, but even now we are still friends. The fondue setup didn’t even really have a chance to gain momentum; which I will admit was largely to me being somewhat picky at that time.

Coincidentally, just two weeks ago my sister told me that a friend of hers wants to set me up with her daughter. Now, I don’t know much about the daughter other than the fact that she’s cute; and that she has apparently already Facebook stalked me and said I was cute. Not following my own advice, placing blame on the 25 ounces of beer I had already consumed on a virtually empty stomach, I slammed my hand on the table and said with a smile, “Set it up!” To the best of knowledge the tentative game plan is a double date night, consisting of dinner and games, which will include myself, the daughter, my sister, and my brother-in-law.

See? Safety in numbers.

Any of those situations not only helps take some pressure off the two of you, but it makes conversation and getting to know someone a LOT easier. Having trouble coming up with a question to ask? Perhaps someone else in the group will have something to say.

Better still, you will get to see how this person interacts with other people. You can learn a lot about a person even when not directly involved in the conversation taking place.

Here’s my final little conclusion of advice for you.

Take up your stylists offer to set you up, but do your homework first. Start off small and find out which one guy may be the best fit for the setup. Find an activity to do with a group of people; they could be your friends, they could be his friends, they could be a mix of the two. The focus here is a fun activity where interaction is a must.

Last, don’t try to think of it too much as ‘a date’. Think of it as a group of people going out to have fun. If, at the end of the day/night, you’re vibin’ this guy let him know. There’s no problem in saying, “It was great getting to meet you and I had a lot of fun. Do you want to, maybe, get drinks or dinner sometime.”

Good Luck, and let us know if anything develops!

Best,

-Mr. Nice Guy-

Got a question for Mr. Nice Guy? Email it to cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com 

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Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Today, I am so excited to announce a special treat we’ve got for you: a new monthly series, “Dear Mr. Nice Guy…” from Inside The Nice Guy himself. In a way, it’s like Dear Abby (RIP), only better, because we talk real, and the questions are legit. Besides, we really wanted to see if Nice Guy knew his shit. You be the judge, and if you’ve got a question for him, email it: cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com …ENJOY!

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

My boyfriend and I broke up (he dumped me) two years ago. While he said we were breaking up because he was too busy, I think he was seeing someone else. Anyway, today, years after, he still sends me text messages. Immediately after we broke up, he said he wanted to remain friends, and I said no. Although I don’t reply to his messages, he sends me texts on my birthday, holidays, or when he’s “thinking of me.” Why is he doing this? 

Sincerely, 

Miss Bothered Baggage

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HeadshotDear Miss Bothered Baggage,

Wanting to add some validity to the response that follows I find it important to say I’ve gone through a very similar situation. This particular Ex initiated the break up and it was very civil; where the possibility of friendship was discussed. This was very short lived as she began showing me very little respect and essentially treated me like dirt for most of the time we had to remain in contact (story not important). Four months later she sent a text saying she had been thinking about me, etc. I too had to ask, Why?

Three words come to mind based on the actions of your ex boyfriend.

Attention, control, and regret; though attention and control can often be paired together as they have similar motivators. Which is it? Pin-pointing precisely the case for your Ex would require a better understanding of his personality and the type of guy he was/is. Ultimately you’ll have to fill in that blank, but obviously I’ll help where I can.

Let’s address the easier one first, regret. As you stated, he’s the one who dumped you. He let you get away. He may be sending you these messages because he now feels like you’re the one that got away. Ah, nostalgia can be a fickle little temptress. This is his easy way to get his foot back in the door. Say you were to eventually respond to a text. This would open up the dialogue and send the impression to him that you’re game for a conversation. At this point, his chances of getting you back increase. That may not be fact, but that’s how it’s going to look to him, which means the number of texts will not only increase but the means the communication may begin to change; phone calls, e-mails, Facebook, you name it.

Attention is fairly straight-forward. When together you gave him attention others would not. You probably tolerated things others wouldn’t put up with. He’s not getting that now. Even if he is, then it’s a matter that he’s not getting it from you. Think of it as a not-so-wholesome way of missing you.

Control as his motive? Well, this is where things become a little more bothersome.

He ended things. He called things off for whatever reason. By him ending the relationship he maintained control.

Or so he thought.

But the power immediately began to shift when he said he wanted to remain friends, and you said, “No.” To that, you should be applauded. It’s difficult to say “No” to someone whom you may still have feelings for. But you saw beyond the cloudy veil of heart-broken, love-struck, eyes and made a decision many others have trouble doing.

In his mind, when he broke things off you would end up being devastated and continue carrying a torch for him. In his mind you’ve been spending countless hours crying to your girlfriends while drowning your sorrows with a giant bowl of Cocoa Puffs, mixed with peanut butter, chocolate milk, and M&M’s. This attempt to regain control requires some bait, sending you a text saying “Thinking of you,” or sending well wishes on a holiday. This ideally would prompt a similar response from you. Again, responding is the enemy as it puts the ball back in his court. Now, he can decide when/if to even text you back.

Miss B.B., stop asking yourself why he’s doing this. Sure, it is probably getting frustrating when his name appears on your ID with a new message but use that as a reminder each time he contacts you. It’s your reminder that you have been able to move on with your life, while he is still apparently trying to hold on to some thread of the past.

Best,

Mr. Nice Guy- 

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